I Am Losing My Vibrant Fertility: A Monday 10 To Get Us Through to Spain

I know. I have read the emails and I miss you all too. Go look at last February and you'll notice that I didn't write much then, either. But I do have a Monday 10. Which is probably more like a Tuesday 10 by the time I get done with it, because I am busy.

1. Why I Heart Joe
I heart Joe for many reasons, not the least of which is that he doesn't take shit from me. I heart Joe because he's completely unapologetic for not being wired for relationships. I heart Joe because he's funny. I heart Joe because of conversations like this one:

Me
Hey, what would you do if I got all childish on your ass and told you not to call or email me until after I got back from my vacation? Would you be sweet and nice and then send an email trying to figure out why I was so upset?

Joe
No. What I would do is to never, ever call or email you EVER again. EVER.

Me
That's what I thought. That's probably why we get along. To a point.

2. New Allies CD: If you haven't picked up the new Allies cd yet, you should. Rock with harmony. I wish I could give you a link, but well...I can't find one. But you can email Pook if you want a copy. I don't much care for the first track, but I love everything after that. And I'm old, so, you know. It really is good. Especially the third track. You know, Allies is the re-making of the LEGENDARY Pittsburgh rock group Pikadori. I'm just saying.

3. Why I Love Candy: Because I went batshit crazy with anger while I was home and sent a series of insane pissed of texts to her because she was who was there to listen. Thanks, sweets. That couldn't have been fun for you.

4. Oh, by the way...Madrid. Yes, I'm leaving Wednesday morning. Some people are asking, "Why Madrid for this birthday?" Well, yes, two reasons. The first is that usually my birthday is such a spectacular time, and last year it was COMPLETELY SHITTY THANK YOU VERY MUCH CHARLER. Anyway, I want to reclaim it. The second is because my OBGYN actually said to me at my annual exam in December the following, "I see that you're turning 34 this year. You know, that's considered to be your last year of vibrant fertility. After that, you actually fall into the high risk category if you get pregnant."

I only wish I were making that up. He used those words. "Vibrant fertility." And I kind of figured that if what I'd basically done is make a lot of life choices about traveling and partying that may or may not have taken away the baby dream, I should really blow it out for my birthday. And so that's what we're doing.

Princess D, Lis, Larry - I'M SO EXCITED! WE'RE GOING TO HAVE SUCH A RIDICULOUS TIME.

5. Other People Whose Stuff Online Is More Entertaining Than Mine: You should listen to my friend Brent in Montreal doing his morning sports radio show. 8-9am EST on Mondays. That's 5am PST for my west coast people. I understand that most of my west coast people are not compulsive insomniacs and 5:00am isn't a time when you've already been up for half an hour, but if you are (or if you're on the east coast), you can listen by clicking the (don't mock me for being obvious) listen link here. I promise he's more entertaining than anything I've written lately.

Then again, I'm about to leave for Spain, and trips like that usually result in good stories.

6. Dear Trick: That is EXACTLY why I have a blog. Except that I'm not allowed to blog about the "unfortunate incident" since not everything is resolved yet. So expect an email full of stories of my poor behavior and its unfortunate outcomes. Love you, mean it.

7. Why I Heart Old People: I was seated next to this sweet, sweet old man at the fight on Saturday, and he spent the night telling me bad jokes and playing memory retention games with me.

What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture

What do you call a homosexual Irishman?
Gaelic

What food cuts your sex drive in half?
Wedding cake

It went on like this. Also, can you name seven sports teams (NHL, NBA, MLB) whose team names don't end in "s"? Fun times.

8. Why You're Jealous You're Not on this Spain Trip: Because you're not doing this with us, as suggested by Jen's sister, who lives in Madrid and gave us the 411:

"No big night out (and Madrid is known for it's neverending nightlife) is complete without a trip to San Gines, a chocolatería where you must order their famous chocolate con churros. http://www.vivirmadrid.com/gastronomia/chocolateria-san-gines/"

I just reduced Madrid to chocolate.

9. I already know... that I need to take the Christmas song down off of my MySpace page. Thank you for the reminders. At this point, it's really a matter of principle to see how long I can leave it up. Kind of like my mother's holiday tree.

10. I'm out of material: Let's be honest, I've been out of material since item number 8. Oh, I know!!!! Enjoy the Sarah Silverman "I'm Fucking Matt Damon" video. That step segment is priceless.