So before I go...

You know, I wasn't actually going to update, but I'm going to post this before I go so that we can compare my before and after mindset. I'll be all peaceful and zen-centered when I come down off of the mountain, but here's where my head was today.

1. What have we learned? Men do not get to plan camping trips.

What you first need to know is that after we come down off of the mountain proper, we will be camping like you think of camping. Tents, sleeping bags, canned food. However, while we are on the mountain, we've agreed to all light-pack. This means one camel-back and one day pack per person. It means sleeping without tents and sleeping bags by the fire and powdered food only (plus some Snickers bars). It also means that the bulk of the food supplies will need to be stored in somebody's car while we're up on the mountain.

So I look at the master packing list that went out this week, on which what is being brought and by whom is listed. On the packing list, there is only one bear bag listed, and it is being brought by Paul (a bear bag keeps a bear from being able to smell, and thus try to get at, your food).

Me via email after reading this: "Don't we need two bear bags? One for the mountain and one for the food that's being left in the unattended car in the middle of a national park?"

E-Stop replies: "I believe that is correct."

And then ... nothing. And then today I am on the phone with PaulM getting the last of the shopping list together, and I mention the bear bag issue.

PaulM: "Right. So, um, yeah. I didn't so much have time to go get a bear bag. Are you making a run to REI by any chance before you leave? Can you just get two and we'll buy them off of you later?

No shit people.

The day today ended with this.

Me
IF YOU DON'T STOP TALKING RIGHT NOW, I WILL KILL YOU.

Him
But, I'm just saying that ....

Other Him
No, dude, she's not joking. You're about a hot minute away from something you'll find really ugly and we'll find really amusing. She WILL kill you.

2. What else have we learned? Maybe one successful start-up business was enough.

Did you see RJ on Sportscenter, by the way? Awesome.

I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted because it's 11:23pm and I'm just starting to pack for this trip tomorrow. And my car smells like KFC or something equally disgusting. And I can't actually pack my pack because the cats peed on it and now it's in the wash, so all that I can do is layout all of my stuff and pack in the AM. And why am I just starting this at 11:23pm?

Because I left the office at 10pm and still had to run a few errands. I left the office at 10pm because it's football season and Pregame is going to have an amazing season. The stuff that we're launching is insane good and we're ahead of every revenue projection we made even if the industry is screwy right now. And Party Planning Girlz? Who knew? We thought we'd do that to pay off our travel bills, and it's blowing up. FAST. We plan good parties, and we're smart business girls who built that business the right way. And while that's great, a start-up is a start-up and today I had to deal with the IRS, the bank, the phone company we deal with for our 800 number, a screw up on the website AND I still didn't organize receipts. And that was also while working a 12 hour Pregame day. My mom reminded me that I need to sleep this week. I will sleep on the mountain, I promise.

I'm totally proud of both businesses that I co-founded. Amazingly proud. But seriously, one hot start up would have been enough for a while. I'm zonked.

3. What else did we learn? Next time I commit to being single for a while, I should really do that.

And that time is NOW. Except remember how not just two months ago I was all like "AND NO BOYS THIS SUMMER" and that lasted for about five minutes. And today at 8:00am I was having the "I think you're so amazing, but I really just want to be friends" talk with a boy. A sweet boy. A really cute boy (ask shamus). A smart boy. A funny boy. A boy who likes to tell me that I'm cute and funny and engaging and sweet. A boy whom I love being around. And I'm all like, "I really just want to be friends."

And he'll be the first to tell you that most of why I was saying that had more to do with him than me (There was no, "It's not you, it's me" going on in this conversation at all. In fact, I was pretty much like, "It's you. Seriously."). But, you know, a lot of it was really that on Sunday there was some frustration about a situation that's made me kind of agitated, and I took a moment and slowed down and was like "repeating cycle, break it." It's been over nine years since the last time I was without a boyfriend or husband or an "early stages boyfriend" for anything longer than a month. I have never in that time been out of a relationship for more than a couple of weeks without immediately getting into a new one, and embarrassingly enough a couple of times I wasn't even all the way out yet before I was in the next one. And I kind of feels like for me it's just so easy to immediately find myself in something and it almost happens before I turned around. But I SWEAR for the next six months or so I'm going to work on just being Jocelyn instead of being Jocelyn with some boy in the picture, too.

Point to this moment in a couple of weeks when I've abandoned this and am wearing some boy's sweater or something.

And for the record, that boy who I just want to be friends with, he was all like, "I'm really sad, maudlin even." And when he used the word "maudlin," I wanted to yell "SEE, IF WE COULD JUST CHANGE A FEW THINGS I WOULD FALL FOR YOU SO FUCKING HARD." But those things are realities that won't change, and I just want to rest and be me and go to Africa and New York and Denver just as me. Not as me with part of me given away temporarily, you know?

Again, we'll mock this entry in three weeks when I've got somebody's class ring on or something.

I'm going to bed now. I have to be on the road in six hours. Jesus.

See you when I get back!

ps - A-Train! I bought a silly hat for this trip JUST FOR YOU!!!!!!!!

 

"So...What You're Saying is That You Would Really Prefer If I Didn't Date Other People?": The Friday Five

That's an actual question that I had to ask this week, and I'm pretty sure that my response of laughter after I said it was not what the other person wanted to hear. But listen, people make agreements about how things are going to operate. And there was an agreement made. And that is all. Except, you know, there went my night tonight. Four hours of conversation I'll never get back.

This Friday Five is actually a Friday 10 since there will be no Friday Five next week since I will be up on the top of a mountain (not just any mountain, the highest mountain in the continental United States) getting my bliss on with my favorite Hoosier boys. So we're killing it here, including ten songs on the playlist. Maybe you want to just read half this week and then read half next week when you're missing me? That's fine. Just make sure you read about the bitchwhore contest.

1. Speaking of that Camping Trip: So okay. The best friend of the incredibly cute and amazingly funny newspaper boy says that I'm making a horrible generalization when I say that you should never let men plan anything. But I'm going to say, "You should never let men plan anything." Let me give you some examples of things that happened during our CONFERENCE CALL about last minute logistics for this trip. And fyi, only MEN require a conference call to get shit together for things like this.

"I mean, we maybe don't so much have mountain permits, per say."

"Yeah, I mean, I know that I get in super late, but I guess I'll just run through Wal Mart when I get off the plane and get, I don't know, some granola or something."

"Are you sure it's going to only take us two days to summit this mountain? Because...well, this says three?"

And I responded to all three as follows:

"For fuck's sake, E and I will go up early and get the permits."

"SHUT UP. Just send me a list of what you want to eat and I'll buy it and pack it and bring it in the car with me."

"So, if it's three days, that means that the entire rest of the itinerary is off, right?"

Never.Let.Men.Plan.Anything.

2. Speaking of Men: Oh my GOD. Then, on Tuesday night, I get a call from Big R. "Hey, I have this friend who's a pilot whose flight got grounded and he's in town overnight. Can you go have a drink with him? You'll really like him."

To which I respond, "No ... no. It's already 10:30pm on a Wednesday. It'd be midnight by the time I got there. And anyway, I'm kind of in a situation where that wouldn't be cool, so...just...no."

Except that of course I get talked into it.

HOW ON EARTH DID YOU THINK I WAS GOING TO NOT HATE HIM?

Here is the first exchange that happens within minutes of sitting down.

Him
It's important to me that you not get intimidated because I'm so smart. I mean, sure, I have to know all about math and meteorology and physics for my job, but that's just second nature to me. Don't be intimidated by how smart I am.

Me
Oh, I'll really try not to be.

But he's a friend of a friend, so even though in real-life that would have immediately warranted an "I have to go now," I stuck it out. And then this gem rolls out while we're talking about hometowns.

Him
You know what I love about Pittsburgh?

Me
The food? The Steelers? The beautiful rivers?

Him (leaning in conspiratorially)
It's a WHITE city.

My God, that happened. Again, because he's a friend of a friend, I make an attempt to parry with some comment about how Pittsburgh's racial diversity is underestimated, though of course what I really wanted to say was something else (like "I like brown"). And while I am tempted to pull out the "I have to go now," I stay. Until this.

I'm telling him the story about how I lost my passport and the hassle it is to replace a passport.

Me
I don't know if you've ever lost a passport and had to replace it but...

Him
I would NEVER lose a passport because that's an important travel document and I would know enough to keep track of where it was.

Me
Sure, but what happened was that I had misplaced my license and had to use my passport for ID for a couple of weeks and ... (and I stop, realizing that I've said the wrong thing).

Him
You know, if I were your boyfriend, I'd really have to slap you around now and then when you did stuff like that.

Me (wait for it)
I have to go now.

WHAT ON EARTH WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU TALKED ME INTO HAVING A DRINK WITH HIM? AND DON'T TELL ME THAT HE'S NOT LIKE THAT WHEN HE'S NOT DRINKING. GOOD GOD.

3. bitchwhore!: Okay, so F-Bomb and I want to have a contest, and sometime this week many of you will actually get an email from me harassing you to participate in the contest, but I don't have time for that right now. So I'm throwing up here to start and maybe you can get your groove on before I pressure you into it. So there's this whole inside joke going on with this word that I use ALL THE TIME. The word obviously being "bitchwhore". And I was tasked by F-Bomb to bring the word to the masses, because it's awesome (though in fairness I don't think that I originated the word). So, you've obviously seen the big link over there to the bitchwhore store. Go spend the $10 and buy yourself a t-shirt. Then, take a picture of yourself in the t-shirt, preferably somewhere with either massive natural or architectural awesomeness because we're going for irony. Or at the care home the next time you visit grandma. Or get out the makeup and go glam or goth. Whatever. Then email me the picture. Once we get 10 or so of them in, we'll put up a flickr stream and a Myspace page. then in November we'll narrow the field to 5 or so awesome finalist (more if we can rally enough people to get a lot of pictures) and put up and online poll and we can all vote and the winner gets $100 iTunes gift certificate from us. Or if you're too technologically challenged to use an iTunes gift certificate, we'll give you a gift certificate to the Olive Garden or TGIFridays or Red Lobster or whatever. A few things.

- You are not limited to shirts, because I get that the shirts are girly because they were designed by a girl and an effeminate man. There's a coffee mug. You can take a picture with the coffee mug.

- That thong is on there because I personally wanted one. I WILL VIOLENTLY BEAT THE FIRST ONE OF YOU WHO HAS ME OPEN AN EMAIL PICTURE OF YOUR CROTCH WITH A BITCHWORE LOGO ON IT. Though shots of you with that thong on your head are fine.

- I'll immediately advance any man to the final who takes a picture in the spaghetti strap cami (Mikey - that means YOU).

- You can send as many pictures as you want.

- TELL YOUR FRIENDS TO PARTICIPATE. If we get enough people, we add prizes.

Finally, (I Love) Paul Jack and (I Also Love) Dex are required to participate el pronto because I made two limited edition shirts just for you all. One with the "PS: It's a trap" line on it and one with "Sugarpussy" on it.

Click here to get your gear and go take a picture. Don't be cheap. You can get a shirt for $10. Or you can spent $20 and have something that looks hot. Doesn't matter to me. If you order soon, you avoid the nagging email from me.

4. All the way at number four is: And we're all the way to number four before we even talk about how much effing ass I kicked this week. Did you see my boss on NBC? Or on CBS? Or on ESPN? Were you among the sudden throng of needy Las Vegas party whores who want help? Did you get a job offer that works so perfectly that it means that after this Super Bowl you could take an entire eight months off without working at all? I did! Plus there were like a zillion other things because I AM ON FIRE. Funny how that happens when you shed off dead weight.

5. So, The Subtle Knife: What is wrong with you people? What is wrong with ALL of you who were like "I could barely get through the second book in that trilogy?" The second book is like a thousand percent better than the first. The storyline moves faster, you get to finally see where things are going, there's the bond between the children and (SPOILER) the scene where Lee Scoresby dies is written so well. I plowed through all three hundred pages in, like, four super busy days. I don't get it. But I'm totally looking forward to the third one.

6. I cannot watch Age of Love anymore: He kicked Jayanna off, and that's not cool. The fun has stopped now that actual hearts are involved.

7. So, football: Starts next weekend. NEXT WEEKEND. Already this week I felt the heat. There's so much to do. So much to do. But I'm the kind of girl who, the more there is to do, the more I get done. My staff is like that too, so they've all stepped it up and things are in an awesome flow. But I mention this because you know what happens when football happens. Less writing here. I go dark on the emails for weeks at a time sometimes. Not so much fun on MySpace. Okay, probably still lots of fun on MySpace because that's often a distraction that's perfect when I need a minute of break. But still. I can't believe it. I feel like I was JUST writing an entry about having post-Super Bowl hangover a week ago, but it was months.

8. I'm about to shut down my computer and go watch some 90210: Just thought you should know. And also, once again, I'm one item short of ten to make this happen.

9. I had no idea: I was watching So You Think You Can Dance this evening while in "awkward conversation recovery mode" and the musical guest was somebody named Mika doing a "song" called "Love Today." I had no idea. I'm still not even sure I understand what I watched. Could this really be happening on American TV? I mean, even with a Wayne Brady hosted lyrics show on TV, I expected more than bad Eurotrash pop even from Fox. I was originally bummed that I couldn't find a YouTube clip of the actual performance from So You Think You Can Dance tonight because it was undeniably special. But I found the actual music video and, frankly, it may be more special. You will sit and be confused. Baffled. And you must at every moment remember that this is not irony: This is not a video some college kid made in his basement to mock bad Eurotrash pop. Oh no, this is bad Eurotrash pop that is INVADING OUR SHORES. Forget the Minute Men down on the Mexican border. THIS IS THE CRAP WE NEED TO STOP FROM MAKING IT'S WAY INTO OUR PRECIOUS COUNTRY. OH MY GOD.



ps: Also embarrassing as a nation? When Wade Robson choreographs an anti-war dance, you know, ART and Fox makes the So You Think You Can Dance judges apologize for the STATEMENT OF HIS ART to all the lame ass deep southerners who complained. Unreal.

10. Here's a playlist: Because I'm ON FIRE right now, the playlist reflect that!

a. Fiona Apple: Extraordinary Machine: Because that's what I've felt like lately. In all respects, including the one she's talking about.

b. Savage Garden: Truly, Madly, Deeply: It's always been a guilty indulgence song anyway, but it got drunk sung to me this week and I was all like "Aw, cute." And it put it back on the radar because then I listened to it all week and was like "That was some cute drunk singing."

c. Charlie Daniels Band: Devil Went Down to Georgia: Because it randomly cycled through my playlist while I was running this week and I can't stop singing it, such as it.

d. Lyle Lovett: If I Had a Boat: This is a live version, which I actually prefer. I've been listening to it when I get a little too hyper during the day and I need to chill out.

e. Spice Girls: Wannabe: I mean, who HASN'T been listening to the Spice Girls since you heard about the reunion and watched that painful hour of Posh? "So tell me what you want, what you really, really want!"

f. Joss Stone: Sleep Like a Child: I'm still on my Joss Stone kick, and this is another song I've been listening to when I need to chill out my mind during the day.

g. Amy Winehouse: In My Bed: This is actually from her first album, which Ferris and Dana let me burn while I was home. It's my favorite track off of that album. I think I recall that it's Dana's favorite, too.

h. Ryan Shaw: Nobody: Okay, so just so you know, this track is off of his promotion site, so it's a little slower than the radio edit. Which is unfortunate because the song is AMAZING. Go to his MySpace or something and listen to the real version.

i. Kitaro: Silk Road: I mean, I've been listening to just a lot of Kitaro (thanks for putting that on your MySpace Ferris) all week to relax. Yep.

j. Violet Indiana: New Girl: Because I listen to Violet Indiana when I want to be still.

 

5 Reasons to Love Ry: 21 Reasons to Love Franki

FIVE REASONS TO LOVE RY
The day started with all of us arriving at the office, the office in Vegas where it's hot as hell, to discover that, over night, the heat in the building had gotten stuck in the "on" position and the office was 110 degrees.

So the first thing we did was go to 7-11 to get some cold beverages. For Ryan, this meant a Big Gulp of freakin' Mountain Dew AND a Nestle ice cream bar. Not joking.

The second thing we decided to do was work around the conference table since it was much cooler there.

What this means is that I spent the next three hours sitting to already hyper Ryan while he was on a sugar rush. If I had to experience it, you do, too. Read on.

Chapter One: Something About Mac and Cheese

Ry
Who are you IMing with?

Me
Larry.

Ry
I don't know Larry.

Me
Yes, you do. We all hung out at the Wynn for my birthday the year before last.

Ry
Oh, right the room with 12 gay men. I was a little uncomfortable being the only straight guy.

Me
Really? But you know all kinds of gay people.

Ry
But there were twelve of them plus me. I like mac and cheese, but I don't want to swim in it.

Chapter Two: Your Mama's On You-Tube

K-Rock
Ryan, I saw your mom on You-Tube.

Ry
Yeah, well, I saw your mom on You-Tube and she had a lot of favorites.

K-Rock
Well, I saw your mom on You-Tube and she had a lot of downloads.

Chapter Three: But Why Do You Love Vegas?

Ry
I love Vegas. You always smell like hooker in the morning.

Chapter 4: Stating the Obvious

Me
What is wrong with you today? Stop harassing me.

Ry
I'll tell you what it is. A big gulp of Mountain Dew and a chocolate bar at nine in the morning.

Chapter Five: Let's Get Trampy on Myspace

Ry

Jocelyn, everyone likes a little slut, as long as she doesn't actually whore herself out.

Me
What is wrong with you? Shut up. Just shut up. Don't you have something to do...somewhere?

Ry
Like, I want my girlfriend to be a slut with me, but not to whore herself out.

Bonnie
No, really. Stop talking.

Me
Please. Never again for you with the early morning sugar. NEVER. I will fire you if you do.

This really didn't stop here. I just couldn't keep up with it. You-Tube was invoked several more times. There were some Asian girls dancing to some cholla song that I was forced to stop and watch. Ryan explained relationships to me, based on his current successful three-month encounter. No work of any kind was accomplished.

It was a good day.

21 REASONS TO LOVE FRANKI
So I had very bad insomnia last night. When I have bad insomnia, I often play on MySpace. Last night, I couldn't sleep so badly that I was answering MySpace surveys. You don't need the whole list of the 70 questions on this survey to enjoy what Franki does next, you just need a sampling. So here's a sampling. You can pretty much skip over actually reading it and go down to the next part where I talk about Franki.

1. What time did you get up this morning?
Maybe, like, 9am. I don't sleep much, so extra hours in the AM help. Welcome to the west coast work day.

2. Diamonds or pearls?
Uh, both, because I'm a princess and I deserve them.

4. What is your favorite TV show?
What isn't? This week it's "So You Think You Can Dance," but mostly because of the big dude who did swing...And my quest to figure out how a show about professional dancing can be homophobic.

7. What is your middle name?
Nissa. It means fairy. That knowledge is my gift to you. Use it as you will.

8. What food do you dislike?
Zuchini (won't eat it). Because one time as a kid my dad made me sit at a dinner table for 24 hours because I wouldn't eat this disgusting zuchini and tomato sauce crap. I never recovered.

10. What kind of car do you drive?
Saturn. It's sexy. You know it. It smells like a gym locker inside.

15. What color is your bathroom?
Purple. It's like Prince got sick and vomited in there and I just kept it.

18. What was your most recent memorable birthday?
My last one was good...and then we broke up. I'm going back to the one before with K-Yo and sushi and that crazy Canadian cop who was pretty yummy but way too ready to get married - that night. That's the problem with spending birthdays with boys. You often then have to erase them from your memory. "Oh, yeah, that was the birthday I spent with that jackass where he gave me flowers and was wonderful and then told me not to post any birthday pictures online because his ex girlfriend would get upset." WTF.

23. Favorite saying?
Fuck that fucking fucker. Fuck him. Fuck.

24. When is your birthday?
February 26th. Pisces all the way through.

28. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us?
No! I'm still not pregnant! Stop asking.

33. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to?
I'm going to go with June 21st.

35. What was the last thing you ate?
A chicken salad sandwich from 7-11 at 10am. That's not right, people.

36. Do you wish on stars?
All the time.

38. How is the weather right now?
Hot as hell. Welcome to Vegas. The devil likes it warm.

41. Favorite soft drink?
Coke Blak, which is more like a drug than a soft drink.

42. Favorite restaurant?
Knob Hill, Nobu, Matsuhisu, Nove

48. Hugs or kisses?
I just met a new boy - let's go with kisses.

52. What is under your bed?
Cat hair. Lots of it.

55. Favorite smell?
Fresh flowers. My mom's kitchen. A well-mixed screwdriver.

58. How many keys on your key ring?
23. I have no idea how that happened. I'm like a janitor.

Franki, apparently, was way more bored during the day yesterday than I was during the night yesterday, because he took the time to do this:

I'm gonna totally turn this survey upside down, inside out, back to front and wear it on the wrong leg.

Instead of answering the damn questions, I'm gonna use a random set of Jocelyn's answers, then changing the questions to turn this survey into an innuendo love feast.

This has got to be/MUST BE a myspace first, so whore em up buttercup. Here goes:

WARNING! WARNING! Watch your eyes.

1. When did you brush your teeth today and how long for?
Maybe, like, 9am. I don't sleep much, so extra hours in the AM help.

2. A smack on the bottom or a kiss on the ass?
Uh, both, because I'm a princess and I deserve them.

4. What's perfect about you and a rhetoric question for yourself?
What isn't? This week it's "So You Think You Can Dance,".

7. A Hummer spelt with a P is just a fucker, a Nissan without an N is?
Nissa. It means fairy. That knowledge is my gift to you. Use it as you will.

8. What's your favourite bedroom fruit or veg?
Zuchini (won't eat it).

10. What's your fav brand of condom?
Saturn. It's sexy. You know it. It smells like a gym locker inside.

15. The colour of your bra?
Purple. It's like Prince got sick and vomited in there and I just kept it.

18. What was your most recent memorable root?
My last one was good...and then we broke up. I'm going back to the one before with K-Yo and sushi and that crazy Canadian cop

23. Best advice you have ever given to your girl?
Fuck that fucking fucker. Fuck him. Fuck.

24. A good date to hit the sack and what position?
February 26th. Pisces all the way through.

28. You were trying some new method to increase the population, have you succeeded? Does this method make you cranky?
No! I'm still not pregnant! Stop asking.

35. Weirdest thing you had while doing the dirty?
A chicken salad sandwich from 7-11 at 10am. That's not right, people.

36. Do you pick your nose?
All the time.

38. Are you hot and bothered or just sexually frustrated?
Hot as hell. Welcome to Vegas. The devil likes it warm.

41. Favorite inhaler of choice?
Coke Blak, which is more like a drug than a soft drink.

42. Favorite adult shop(s)?
Knob Hill, Nobu, Matsuhisu, Nove

48. Hitsy fits or kisses?
I just met a new boy - let's go with kisses.

52. What is in your pants?
Cat hair. Lots of it.

55. You smell like?
Fresh flowers. My mom's kitchen. A well-mixed screwdriver.

58. How many boys' keys are on your key ring?
23. I have no idea how that happened. I'm like a janitor.

Oh, people. Today and yesterday. Those were fun days.

 

This is actually happening real time in my staff meeting right now.

Burgh Marc
Matty is hot. We really need to ride him right now.

Ry & I
(duck heads under table. laugh like 12 year old boys. snicker)
Ride him hard. Ha ha ha ha.

Burgh Marc
We can make some money if we really just pound on him.

Ry & I
(duck heads under table. laugh like 12 year old boys. snicker)
Pound on him. Ha ha ha ha.

Burgh Marc
Is there a marketing strategy in place?

Me
Yeah, we'll going to put a CRM email campaign together today. We'll going to ride Matty hard for some cash.

Ry
(laughs so hard he snots into his coffee)

Me
I'm excited.

Ry
Should be be trickling one pick a day, or should he just EXPLODE with one big one?

And this is still going on. Ry and I are acting like adolescent boys.