2008 Log
January - 32.5 (thank you crappy flu)
February - 33 (so that also sucked)
March - 59
April - 25.5
May - 44
June
8th - 3 miles
10th - 2 miles
11th - 10 miles
13th - 16 miles
28th - 3 miles
1. Listen, I am who I am: So, this exchange happened regarding the upcoming trip to Mongolia.
Me to the Travel Agent What will be the internet/text message availability situation? I know we'll be in the middle of nowhere much of the time, but I figured there would be times with internet access and I was curious about what the mobile phone network in the area is like.
Travel Agent to Me As far as internet availability, the only place you can expect to access the internet will be in UB. It's possible that you will be able to use the internet in Kharkhorin, but this isn't a reliable connection. Cell phones will typically work in the gear camps when you stop for the night, but not while traveling between camps.
Pookie to Me Upon Reading the Above Exchange OMG JOS YR CELL PHONE WON'T WORK BETWEEN VILLAGEZZZ WTF!!!
2. Battle of the Davids: Is ON. We all know that my love child Jason Castro is the album I want to buy, because I don't already own enough poor man's Jack Johnson, but I'm cheering Castro on. Artichoke scares me. He can't possibly be as wishy washy as he seems. It's like, if there were an Incredible Hulk in real life, that kid would be a good candidate. So weird that little one is.
3. It was 105 in Vegas Yesterday: I'm hot, the cats are hot, it's hot to run. This is how much I can't focus on writing: I'm writing about the weather.
4. I really do have so much to write about though ... this crazy story about hand jobs in a club in Vegas, a story about pottery night, I just can't focus.
5. So instead, a haiku:
Boys will make you sad Repeating cycle every time. I like my cats.
For Those About to ROCK: The Annual Pilgrimage for Pookie's Birthday
I'm not sure if doing the same thing for two years in a row makes it a tradition, but I'm going with it. We've (by "we" I mean shamus and myself) all gone home for Pookie's birthday two years in a row now. So that makes it a tradition. And if we don't do it next year, it will be like, "Oh, we're breaking tradition. We have to go home for Pookie's birthday."
Also, if you would like to see my entire collection of pictures from the trip (including some by shamus and some by Pook and some by Honeydunce), click here.
And yes, there's something somewhat wrong about the idea that we've made Pookie so special that trips across the continent for his birthday are a regular event. I have no answers, per usual.
Firstly, you should know that this was the conversation about coming home for Pook's birthday.
Me So, my DUI hearing is the same day as your birthday, so I guess I'm coming in for your birthday.
Pookie Awesome. My sister is getting sober for my birthday.
Me I'm not. I'm really not.
Day One: This is AWESOME. So, I arrive Thursday night. I have breakfast with mom. I head to court to hang out with MD. Things are done. Things are not done. Things are sometimes frustrating. MD makes me laugh. I head to Pookie's house, where shamus is napping and listening TO THE MOST GOD AWFUL NOISE FUCK I HAVE EVER HEARD. shamus has apparently realized that a cab from the airport to Joel's cost $70. Ouch. He shows me gay YouTube celebrities. This is what we do.
We go to lunch. Pizza and tiny jugs of sugar, or iced tea if you prefer to call it that. We talk to an old lady about a bakery. We go to Jerry's used records. We have cupcakes. shamus cruises the around in a $300 t-shirt. I make the guy at the cupcake store listen to a five minute speech about how I wish I were bulimic because boys would like me better. Shamus does not like cripples. It's a good afternoon. Our sugar high begins to crash, though, and we want a nap, so we head back to Pookie's Hippie Shack.
And ten minutes after we nap ... the Pookie explosion busts through the door. And the world is happy. Though he needs a nap, too. So we all nap.
And then we head to dinner to meet up with Ferris and Honeydunce. There are two things you should know about dinner:
a. It is the first time that any of us are meeting Honeydunce, and while Pookie may not want to hear this, expectations are frankly low since we didn't like any of the last couple of girlfriends of his we met. Or didn't meet because they were noticeably absent at important events. And while we immediately fell in love with Honeydunce, I, in retrospect, feel badly for that poor girl. Firstly, when you put Pookie, Ferris, shamus and myself in a foursome together for the first time in over twelve months, it tends to escalate into an explosion of inappropriateness. At one point, I'll even admit, I go as far as to ask Honeydunce "On a scale of one to ten, how into my brother are you?" What's awesome about the fact that I just wrote that is that Pookie was in the bathroom when I did that and may just now be heating up in embarrassment that I did that to his girlfriend. The poor girl is literally bombarded. And I have to say, she held up like a pro. Like it didn't even phase her. She's the first one I've ever liked. She also had to put up with point "b", which is equally awesome.
b. We happen to be eating dinner in a Thai restaurant that is DIRECTLY across the street from the apartment building where shamus' uncle overdosed on heroin and died. And shamus happens to be sitting in the direction such that all through dinner what he's looking at is the apartment building where his uncle overdosed on heroin and died. For those of you who hang out with shamus and I, you know how sometimes I'll look at shamus and go, "You know, at least I think that the guy I'm dating now probably isn't going to put a shot gun in his mouth and kill himself," and then we laugh at that situation like it's funny instead of tragic because that's how we deal? Well, pretty much throughout dinner shamus would periodically say, "It's AWESOME that I'm having dinner and staring at the apartment where my uncle overdosed on heroin and died," and then we would all laugh like that situation was funny instead of tragic because what else do you do with that?
Honeydunce was a trooper. I love her.
After dinner we head to the Bloomfield Bridge Tavern where Allies has a show that night. Several awesome things, pretty much in this order, happen at the BBT.
- The Pens game is on. With just minutes to go in the third period, the Rangers come back to tie the game. The ENTIRE bar suddenly goes from moderately noisy to DEAD QUIET. Nobody is talking. There is no noise AT ALL. And then, with just a minute or so left, Crosby scores the go-ahead (and ultimately winning) goal and the place goes CRAZY. I feel entirely home.
- Honeydunce introduces me to my new favorite drink, which is vanilla vodka and pineapple juice and it tastes like a pineapple upside down cake.
- I eat six pirogies. Here is a note to self: no matter how much you may WANT the pirogies, they're not going to sit well with you after a Thai meal.
- Beautiful Kim shows up with her finance and somebody else we went to high school with. None of us remember the other kid we went to high school with, but perhaps that is because he probably wasn't hot in high school and now he is HOT.
- Andy and Fred show up and are, traditionally, Andy and Fred.
And then Allies play, and they rock. And my favorite thing about an Allies show is that Pookie spends a not insignificant amount of time playing with his back to the audience, all like "I would be rocking whether you were here or not." And Vesley, whom I hear is about to cut off the mane, hasn't cut if off yet and he lets it down for one song. And the band plays my favorite track, which is a track Pookie wrote after we got home from Hawaii for shamus' 30th birthday the other year. And teenage girls swoon and the Gods of rock smile and all is good.
And Ferris takes us home because Pookie wants to do shamus and I a "favor" by staying at Honeydunce's that night so we can have more space.
I should mention, by the way, that there has been no toilet paper at Chez Pookie since we arrived. I used the last tiny square within the first fifteen minutes. That is all.
Day Two: I got your Kayapolitan right here, and an Ass Cupcake For the record, I have nothing to do with that Ass Cupcake conversation. I am just here to relay the information.
We begin the morning by meeting up with my mother in Cal, PA. By we I mean me, Pook, Honeydunce, shamus and...Doreen Conaway. Yes, my mother's BFF was in full force too. And later in the day Janet Batemen joined us as well, so it was all kinds of generational. I don't have a lot to report because the visit was in general extremely pleasant and relaxed and my mother serves lots of food and I wash my hair over a sink which is CRAZY since she just basically installed a new shower for me and I accidentally mention that I bought cocaine off of somebody that we all know, which, you know, is problematic information on many levels. And we sit outside and it's warm and breezy and smells like fresh grass and then shamus insists on putting his balls near my face and EVERYTHING IS RUINED LIKE ALWAYS.
Though, you know, that move on his part is really only fair since in Hawaii that one time I stuck my bikini clad butt right in his face. We're even now. Here are some pictures of the day.
Joel, shamus and Honeydunce head back to nap. I take a trip to Chez Woo to visit C-Woo and Tyler and Cienna. Those kids are getting ridiculously big. Cienna is so articulate now - she can have a full conversation with you if she feels so inclined. She's also quite good at getting her way. She'll stand in front of you with a book and big eyes. If you don't read it, she'll just open the book and put it on your lap. Eventually you realize that she's headstrong like her mama and she's going to win. And Tyler is just a flirt. Who likes food. And hockey. We know which parent he takes after. And it's so nice to catch up with C-Woo because she's one of the only people I know who will listen to some of the retardo decisions I'm making right now and not just say, "You're a moron." It's almost like she expects them, which is a good and bad thing.
After that but before a non-existent nap that I had planned on, I meet up with shamus and Ferris for more cupcakes. We take our cupcakes and our coffee and go sit on the steps of a church in Squirrel Hill. I first start explaining that part of the reason that I don't move back to Pittsburgh is because of the lack of eligible men to date. I mean, I'm not going to die alone or anything because I've got some cats and some gays, but I might like to find somebody ... someday. This confession immediately turns into a fun game for the boys called "What about him?" "What about him?" sounds a lot like this:
"What about that douchebag in the track pants and sandals?"
"What about the old guy?"
"What about the punk rock teenager? Oh, wait, he's a little old by your standards."
"What about the guy with bad hygiene?"
And on and on. Then, a conversation that I don't even understand begins to happen about eating cupcakes out of asses. I mean, I don't even pretend to acknowledge what was said. That is all.
We make it back to Pookie's. There is no nap time. There is change and roll out time. So I change, and we roll out. To official birthday dinner, which is at this place.
Joining us at dinner are Moon and C-Woo. B-Funk mystically disappeared on us, but that's how he rolls.
I have many favorite parts of dinner. In no particular order:
- Well, one could not overlook the invocation of "ass cupcake" throughout the entire meal. I'm still unclear as to whether "ass cupcake" is a term of endearment or a verb. I'm not sure I want to know.
- Oh yes, Honeydunce steals Ferris' move and the unicorn is brought out in full force. That's really just funny every time. It's like the jackal, but not.
- Political debate 2008, at which point I move seats. In this argument, Moon argues, shamus may or may not argue (I couldn't tell), C-Woo tries to argue and is shut out and really they're all pretty much on the same side in the end, which is the strange part.
- "Oh, I knew your last boyfriend, I was out on the trail with him when you two were breaking up! He was pretty upset." This is by far my FAVORITE moment. It was actual perfection. If I could have reached across and kissed Moon for giving us that moment, I would have.
I'm not sure if this means that we rock, or that we're middle-aged, but we closed that tapas and martini joint DOWN.
And then ... off into the night.
The Last Morning: On a scale of one to five ... We spend the last morning before shamus and I fly out at the 61c having coffee. We play this game: "On a scale of 1 to 5, how would you rate Pookie's life so far in the category of (insert category) by the age of 31?"
Pookie doesn't like the game and decides that we ALL have to play if we're going to play.
The next category up is "fashion."
Ferris is wearing a Mac OS X t-shirt. His excuse is that he's headed home to do yard work.
Me I give Ferris a 2.5 for fashion.
Pookie I'll give him a 3.5. It makes a statement.
shamus I give him a stupid point dumb.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, pretty much sums us up. Stupid.Point.Dumb.
Till next year, when hopefully my DUI will be resolved and we once again turn Pookie's birthday into a federal holiday.
Remember the time you lived on the hundredth floor of the high rise at Pitt and you wanted to steal the donkey from one of those plastic, light-up nativity sets in somebody's yard and then tell people to look up in the sky at your window at midnight to see your illuminated ass? And then remember how we were driving to the Uniontown Mall and we were headed up that steep hill in Brownsville that leads to the Dairy Queen and we saw one (a light-up ass in a light-up nativity set) in somebody's yard? And remember how I wanted to get out of the car and steal it and even made you pull the car over? And then you told me not to steal it because I'd upset Jesus, and then, even though you don't care so much about upsetting Jesus (baby version or otherwise) your conscious took over and you still wouldn't let me rip the ass off because stealing from somebody's nativity set was just wrong? That's because you're a much better person than I am. That's why you're mom's favorite. It's cool.
But I don't think that I care that you're a much better person than I am, because I make way more cash dollars than you do. And the only way that you're going to Hawaii next year is if I pay for your ass, SUCKA.
FYI - I am too old to go to midnight movies on a school night. I am tired today. I am on cat nap number four and it's only noon. But you're going to ask me what I thought of The Golden Compass, aren't you? I mean, you know, I think it was as well as they could adapt that book to a movie. It was nice to see a lot of the fantasy characters and the armored bears come to life. But you know, when you love a book like I love that book, the movie is NEVER GOOD ENOUGH. But I do think it's worth seeing. It's short - only two hours. Nicole Kidman looks STUNNING in every shot and it better get an Oscar nod for costuming. It was worth feeling like ass today.
1. I Fall Somewhere Between....So Pookie sent me this link. I fall somewhere between "Lover Boy" and "Hunk Next Door." Yes, that's clearly a recipe for disaster. Apparently, I want a man who looks cool while washing his car in the driveway but also really, really, really needs me. In actuality, I want neither of those things.
2. Broken Social Scene - I've been listening to them a lot lately. I think that they are neither the "Lover Boy" or the "Hunk Next Door." That is all.
3. Holiday Check In - By the end of the weekend, unless you work for Pregame.com (in which case I am holding your stuff until right before your holiday party) or live in Pennsylvania, you will be DONE! Letters went out the day before yesterday. Everybody in San Francisco is finished. Everybody in LA is finished (more or less). By the end of the weekend, if I need to mail your package, you are finished. I feel, you know, pretty good. And tired. And a little broke!
4. Birthday Madrid Trip: Dear Lis,
How DO you do it? I am already stressed out about trying to keep everybody happy on this trip. Love, Jos
5. Remember When Pookie Had No Computer? How long ago that seems. Now, my day is a series of IM's from him that include links like the one above and endless YouTube videos. But I don't care, because he sent me this YouTube classic, which took a HORRIBLE day (yesterday) and turned it around for me:
There's so much good in this video: - The Clap Track that EVERYBODY does, even those seemingly random females - The look on Rick James' face after he obviously just snorted coke - The shirtless guitarist behind Eddie Murphy - The way Eddie Murphy consistently looks away from the camera because HE IS TAKING HIS MUSIC SERIOUSLY
And, the best part, as pointed out by Pook, is how Rick James rushes out and grabs a bass guitar during the last ten seconds of the song -- as though it is suddenly needed.
iPhones, Strippers, Counting Crows and Breakdowns: Friday Five!
1. True Tales of the iPhone & Strippers: How does the iPhone change your life? Like this. So last Sunday night, PPG had a party, and at the party there was supposed to be a stripper. And the specific type of stripper requested was "A Black girl, big on the top and big on the bottom." At 2am, I got a call from the clients that the stripper who had showed up was a small, Asian girl. So I had to get out of bed at 2am and head down to the strip to deal with swapping the girls out.
And when I get down there, I have to sit for half an hour while I'm waiting for my big-bodied Black stripper to arrive. And I'm bored. So I get out my iPhone.
I have this very dear friend Jen whom I love, love, love. Jen and I boxed together. Jen and I traveled to Budapest together and maybe next week I'll scan all of the wonderful photos of us at a fertility festival in Pesc or in a bathhouse in Budapest or recovering from a crazy birthday party we had in a place called Old Man's Pub. I love Jen, but a few years ago she moved to Russia to "do the good work" that she does. We still keep in touch. There are gaps, but then there are a flurry of emails and it's always more like resuming a conversation than starting a conversation.
So, I'm sitting there, miserable, waiting for the big-bodied Black stripper to arrive and I decide to check my email on my iPhone. Jen has emailed me a link to this - an article in the New York Times about her husband, who is also doing "the good work" as a lawyer in Russia. And because I am on my iPhone, I open the link and read the article in full glory-sized screen with amazing graphic resolution. And then because I am on my iPhone and it is the middle of the night here so the middle of the day in the Motherland, I can text and email with Jen real time for a little while, which we rarely get to do.
The iPhone. It brings me and my dear, dear friend in the Motherland closer.
2. Another Story of Vegas Party Planning: On Saturday, I also have to hustle my booty out of bed in order to deal with a limo "situation." The situation is as such: It's all very complicated. Because of the complicated system of "tips," kickbacks, payoffs, under the table money and such, what typically happens is that we meet up with the limo driver about 20 minutes before the client does to make sure that everybody was, is about to, or will be taken care of. Yes. This is my life.
Anyway, the limo driver that we're using on this particular night is not a limo driver that we've ever used before. He's in his fifties, originally from New York, a fun guy. We have a good time hanging out while waiting for the client and talking. We talk about the limo driver's daughters - who are, and this is important, MY AGE.
As the clients are coming out, I say to him, "Can we call you sometime if we need an extra driver?"
And he looks at me and says, "As pretty as you are, you can call me any time. How about dinner next week?"
Now, when you are female and you touch the "entertainment" industry in Vegas in any way, there is only one response you can give to this. It's to smile nicely and dodge the situation. Which I do.
And then...driving home. I have a breakdown. I call RJ and launch into the following:
"OH MY GOD - A FIFTY YEAR OLD JUST HIT ON ME. I DON'T MEAN HIT ON ME IN THE INAPPROPRIATE SMARMY WAY, I MEAN IN THE LEGITIMATE, HE THOUGHT IT WAS APPROPRIATE TO HIT ON ME KIND OF WAY. IS THIS MY FUTURE? AM I THIS OLD? ARE FIFTY YEAR OLDS GOING TO HIT ON ME? OH MY GAWD. MY YOUTH IS OVER."
I mean, ignoring the fact that I'm going out with a 27 year old who JUST TURNED 27 THIS WEEK. That was my reaction to that. I haven't been right since.
3. Speaking of Dating People Who Are Too Young for Me: You know you're going out with somebody too young for you when you say the following at their birthday dinner. "I know that you're too young to remember this, but Counting Crows was actually a pivotal band for me."
4. And...Go! Starts Now. I sadly watched last night as $1200 exited my checking accounts for air tickets to San Francisco, Austin and Pittsburgh. I had a twinge, but then I remembered how much fun I'm going to have on all of those trips. So, basically, I alternated between stress and excitement. That's pretty much my life right now.
5. Something Else to Look Forward to: Apparently, Captain Morgan and I are going to dress like slutty elves for Pookie's annual Christmas party. I'm going to see if I can convince Dana to join us. We'll see.
And...GO! A Friday Ten In Which I Give Up on the Rest of the Year
Ha! Do you like how I stopped the Africa updates right before the three single best days of the trip (lions, gorillas and zebras?). I actually have a rare 20 minutes of down time right now when I should be trying to clean out my inbox, but let's just update instead. There are many, many things going on right now.
1. I LOVE STRESS: I mean, I probably don't love the way that it ages me, but I do thrive on it. The good thing about the current levels of stress is that it comes at a time of year when I habitually get manic anyway. I'm averaging about 4 hours of sleep a night right now. You would think that with 20 hours of awake time a day I'd have time to answer people's emails or return phone calls or not bail on social engagements. Ha! Here's what I'm balancing right now:
- A stressful job transition that's also resulted in some bad mojo for some people who work/ed with me. So I'm basically working about 12 hours a day, on a good day. Literally, my day starts at 7:30am. Around 4pm, I go to the gym for a couple of hours, and then around 7pm I start working again. Usually until around midnight.
- November is NOT party season in Vegas, but we're determined to make our revenue goal, so finding people who want to party in Vegas during one of the months of the year when NOBODY parties in Vegas is hard.
- You know it - it's holiday season. I have a shopping list of 120 people plus a card list of about 300, and you know that the majority of that card list gets that custom, special letter that Pookie and I do together which is 3x the work of a card and 10x the expense of a card. And you also know that of that 120 people a lot of them get things that I make, and though I made 35 of something during the summer, that's still a lot to do. The good news is that I have "the spreadsheet" completed. The bad news is that I also have three months of late birthday presents that need to be sent out as well. Viva!
- I AM OUT OF SHAPE: Which means I'm running like a beast. I'm not sure how it happened. I was underweight before I left for Africa, but still in good running shape. I didn't gain weight in Africa, but I also didn't run. And then when I got back, I didn't get right back to running, and I ate a lot of pizza, but it wasn't all that out of control. But when I went for my first run back this week, I was sucking air at four miles. Not good.
- AND THEN I HAD A PANIC ATTACK ABOUT MY SCHEDULE. Literally, a breathing issue panic attack. I did my calendar, and I realized that between the time I got back from Africa and the week after New Year's, I had only two weekends where either I didn't have an out of town trip scheduled or I have people in town. One of those weekends is this weekend, and one is either the weekend of December 8th or December 17th, depending on which weekend I do "Holidays in LA." After Africa I had Halffington in town, then the eight million nieces PLUS Jess's bachelorette, this weekend is blissfully off. Then November: the first weekend Matty and Jess get married, the second weekend I am going to Vancouver, the third weekend there are LA girls in town, and the fourth weekend I'll be in New York for Thanksgiving. Then there is December: the first weekend I'll be in Texas for Paul and Kari's wedding, one of the next two weekends I'll go to LA, then I'll be home in Pittsburgh for the holidays, then I'll be in Arizona for New Year's. When I looked at that schedule, I had a panic attack. Because, if you're following, I have no down time during the week right now. There's nothing I'd want off that schedule though. So I'll just buckle down and make it happen.
Here's the most awesome thing about that schedule though. So the other day I was having lunch with this boy I really like (and who I think really likes me) and he said, "Yeah, I'm going to be out of town the next two weekends."
And I immediately made my pouty face like I was so offended that he wouldn't want to spend time with me so badly that he'd leave a weekend clear. And he looked at me like I was the world's biggest hypocrite and said, "We're both really busy people. That's how it is with people like us."
AND I TOTALLY CONTINUED TO MAKE MY POUTY FACE LIKE I WAS 100% IN THE RIGHT. Which is, you know, ha ha ha ha ha ha, because if the question had been reversed and he had asked me what my weekend plans look like in the near future, I would have been all like "Yeah, why don't you talk to me in January. That's when it looks like things clear up for me."
Awesome.
And so I am stressed. My plans this weekend involve locking my door, closing my curtains, turning off my personal phone (but leaving work phones on, sigh) and chilling out - even if chilling out means that I'm actually doing work, just doing it in the comfort of my (now clean!) home. There will be crockpot action. There will be outings to the gym. There will even be laundry (which I find peaceful and relaxing - the sound of the dryer running in the background while I look at spreadsheets). There will be reading. There will be holiday crafting. THERE WILL BE ZELDA. And by 7am on Monday morning I will be refreshed.
And by 10am on Monday morning I will be in exactly the same stressed out, maxed-out place I'm in right now!
Listen, this is me saying I love everybody, but anybody who knows me knows that I go dark in November and December, and this year will be worse because of additional factors. Don't hate. Just know that when I'm not emailing or calling, I'm wishing that I were. If you are on Facebook then you get more action from me. That's all I'm saying.
2. A Little Ditty for the Marketers: Yeah, sorry, this is only funny if you've ever run a marketing department before, but since a lot of you have...
Me So, you know, I would need the data on x as it compares to y in order to decide what I wanted to do with that situation.
Other Person Um, yeah, the only way to get that data is manually.
Me You mean, like, read it and enter it into a calculator?
Other Person Um, yeah.
Me But...but...it's housed in a database!
Other Person Yeah, but there's really no way to easily ... let me just get you a calculator.
Let me tell you, there's some automation about to happen here. I can't think of a LESS useful way to spend my time than manually transferring data.
3. A photo that makes my photos look lame: It's seriously like Mr. Holland's Opus in Pittsburgh. I'm not even joking. My little bro just out-ghetto'ed me. "Mr. J" wins. I don't even know what to do with this.
4. Car! Detailed! Yes, finally. For those of you who have been following the saga, a can of Pepsi exploded in my car earlier this summer. The car needed to be detailed before that, but after the can of Pepsi exploded, it REALLY needed to be detailed. You know how sometimes things make it on to your to do list and then just keep getting moved to the bottom because it's such a hassle?
Then a couple of months later, I accidentally left some batteries in the car during the high heat and they leaked. Then the car REALLY REALLY needed to be detailed. However, not so much, apparently, that it rallied my ass out to get it detailed.
Then LAST WEEK I was on my way to a meeting and I hadn't eaten yet so I tried to eat sushi in the car. And at a red light, I went to open the little packet of soy sauce and it exploded all over the inside of the car.
But you know what finally got me motivated to get the car detailed? My tags have been expired for OVER A MONTH NOW because I've been too lazy to get my smog check done. The last time my tags were expired I totally got pulled over for a moving violation and had to eat the other $150 fine for having expired tags. So I finally got my car into the Saturn dealership. Exciting!
And then today I mailed in the smog check and the tag registration and was so excited that those things could be moved off my to do list.
And then I got home and opened my mail, only to find out that my lack of paying attention had meant that my driver's license had expired and I forgot to renew it, so I'm now driving on a suspended license. HOT.
I am a HOT MESS people.
5. Can we talk about SMOS briefly? You know how every year around this time, when things start to get crazy busy in my world, I start this lecture about how "I REALLY need to do something to slow the pace of my life down?" And then I go into this whole inner turmoil about how I would benefit from slowing myself down, but my nature is to live fast and big and I'd hate to have missed out on any of the things I would have missed out on if I didn't live that way? Well, can I say that in many ways this year I failed to slow the pace of my life down (see the two month schedule above as Example A). However, SMOS has totally made me slow down at least a section of my life. I have the most lovely, wonderful, beautiful men in my life right now. And if I had been going at my normal pace, I'd be well ensconced in another relationship by now and would have missed out on a lot of wonderful things I've learned. So, I'm saying, SMOS is the best thing I've ever done for myself. I did have a little bout of "single insecurity" going on the other week. And Shimmy reminded me that that's the point. As she said, "You need to become secure in the insecurity." She is so zen.
Slowing my life down will, once again, be something about myself that I try to work on in 2008. The other one will be trying to be at my best even when I'm not motivated or not inspired, which is something I learned this year is a weakness of mine. That is all.
6. I went through a phase this week where... I couldn't stop lusting after Luda. Yep. Sure did. I mean, like, talking about how hot he was all day long to anybody that would listen. Then Pookie drunk IM'ed me, and he sent me a copy of "Sexy Motherfucker" by Prince. And then I couldn't decide who I thought was sexier. Here, ponder for yourself.
7. The best thing you won't hear on my public playlist this week. You won't hear it, because I can't find a copy to put on the playlist, but there's a 2 DISC cd set of mashups of Britney and/or Madonna songs that made it down the girl chain from Ang to Shimmy to me. All the mashups are good, but there are two I just leave on repeat and listen to over and over again. One is a mashup of Missy Elliot's "Pass That Dutch" with Madonna's "Holiday", and the other is a mashup of "Holiday" with D-Child's "Make Me Lose My Breath." AND THOSE TWO MASHUPS ARE SO GOOD. You should totally try to find them online somewhere if you can. I can't stop listening.
Also, why do we love D-Child? It's because of lyrics like this: "Ooh Two things I don't like when I'm trynna get my groove - Is a partner that meets me only halfway, and just can't prove - Take me out so deep when you know you can't swim- Need a lifeguard and I need protection- To put it on me deep in the right direction. Ooh You understand the facts that I'm trynna give to you- You movin' so slow like you just don't have a clue- Didn't momma teach you to give affection? Learn the difference from a man and an adolescent It ain't you boo, so get ta steppin'"
Secondly, here's a conversation Halff may not have wanted to be made public. He and I are in the car (unfortunately pre-detailing job) listening to said cd (disc 2!).
Halff These mashups are way better than the original Britney and Madonna songs.
Pause
Halff and I Simultaneously Except for "Holiday." That's a great song on its own.
What have we learned? Mash any song with "Holiday" and everything gets better.
8. Cat Blog! This is honestly how fat Sly is. This is how he's sitting: He has his back paws on one chair, his front paws on another chair and his HUGE GUT is actually hanging between the two chairs. I am a bad mom!
9. Because I need a number nine ... Listen, I'm going to come clean here. Because the Rockies are Ry's favorite team, I always put $5 on them to win the World Series at the beginning of the season as a show of faith to him. The odds at the beginning of the season were, like, 30 to 1. I'm sorry. I know so many of you are Red Sox fans, but mama wants a pair of $1300 snakeskin Versace shoes she saw the other week. Go Rockies!
10. And a playlist! When I get super stressed like this, the music sounds more like a nightclub. Why? That's so obvious. Because nightclubs are where I reduce stress. Here's what we're listening to in Jocelyn world right now.
"Do It Well" - J-Lo: OHMYGOD! How much do I LOVE the new J-Lo single WITH a breakdown from my boyfriend Luda? I've been warned that if I don't stop playing and dancing to this in the work environment there will be a boycott, but IT'S SO GOOD. I work to it, I do laundry to it, I run to it. It's the best thing EVER. Or at least recently. You can't even listen to this and then listen to "Gimme More" and take Britney even a little bit seriously. I LOVE J-LO.
"Lose My Breath" - D-Child, "Pass That Dutch" - Missy Elliot and "Holiday" - Madonna: Okay, I can't give you the mashup, but I can give you all three singles and you can imagine. And dance. You can imagine, and then you can dance.
"Sexy Motherfucker" - Prince: "In a word, it's you I want to do." Or, better yet, "I want to get to know you, tell me what you do, what you eat...I might cook for you."
"Sexy motherfuker, shaking that ass, shaking that ass."
"End of the Night" - Luda: I mean, I could have picked any song here. He sounds smooth and sexy on anything. That is all. If for no other reason, this song is on because of these lyrics: " By the end of the night you gon' be wantin to marry a nigga Cause I make 'em erupt like volcanoes, you just shake and you shiver Get 'em up, get down, turn around and put your face in the pillow Cut 'em up like Jason, just face it that boy Luda's a killer Half man, half gorilla, beatin all on my chest Pleasin all of your flesh, squeezin all on your breast Givin you reasons to rest, and ain't never say no to papi Wake 'em up like Folgers cause I fold 'em like origami Hey mami let's get it poppin like Orville Redenbacher The way you move once you started nothin could ever stop ya Sweeter than Betty Crocker, and I'm ready to belly flop ya Just mention today but for now I forever gotcha"
Yep.
"Great Pumpkin Waltz" - Vince, Guaralid: Okay, so you'll only get a snippet here, but I've been listening to the whole thing. You know how I love my Peanuts holiday dvds.
Oh, God, come on, that's awesome how I just transitioned from Luda rapping about dirty sex to Charlie Brown. Give me points!
Special Extra Bonus Item! So I can't sleep (shocker) so I log into Facebook because I notice that AshleyPooh has tagged a new photo of me. It is a photo of me and my niece Stephanie "recovering" on my couch the night after all of these photos were taken. Nice, Ashley. Thanks for bringing this picture to the public. I really think the comment I left Ashley on Facebook says it all, which is, "Why would you post this? I look like I just spent five days doing crack."
Which is also what I felt like because my body doesn't recover from staying out all night two nights in a row as quickly as it used to. But I have no pride, so I'll share.
An Africa Interlude: A Friday 10 In Which I Surely Cannot be Pregnant
What's sad about the intrusion of a Friday Five here is that the next Africa entry is one of my absolute favorites, and it's very entertaining and it would have been a fun way for people to kind of wrap up the weekend with a funny story about how lazy I can be and how Lisa basically won. But I feel like there have been no real updates on ME lately (ha). And it's been a strange week. I've had lots of change thrown in my face. Upheaval, really. Some hard decision making. So, some of this is short, but it's really a Friday 10 to maybe not catch us up, but cover some things.
1. Meandering: In the face of some change, and some young'ins, I updated The Nature of Sand. Which is to say that I pontificated in a circuitous manner and indulged myself by blogging it.
2. Just for Pookie: I rarely point to the thankful journal, but today's entry is special and just for Pookie, so I want to be sure he notices it. Here's today's thankful entry, baby brother.
3. Gay or Douche Bag? This is a new game that Larry invented for us to play on the Strip. I think the game is pretty self explanatory, but in case you don't get it, you basically grab your cocktail and sit in a casino (or a club, or the airport) and try to identify who's gay and who's just a douche bag. You have no idea how fun this is, or how hard it can be.
4. The Joel Robuchon Mansion: Was unreal. I want to say that the caviar course was my favorite, but the veal was amazing. Also the shellfish course was amazing. Oh, and the mushroom course was amazing. But oddly, there was a palette cleanser of a soy bean risotto that was actually our favorite. I just salivated.
5. Eddie Vedder: It was like 1992 all over again, except not since there were no music downloads in 1992. I rushed to my iTunes account the day the new Eddie Vedder was released, and it is good. I don't know that I'll be able to watch Into the Wild, because the book alone sent me into a fit of depression for a week, but the soundtrack is beautiful. I heart Eddie Vedder.
6. G-Mail Chat Poetics: I have once again translated mine, Paul and Dex's gmail status indicators into a poem for you. In this case, it worked out to pretty much be a haiku.
Nintendo's Bitch - Paul Nintendo Widower - Dex Nintendo's White Slave!
7. Where is my period? This is what we're all asking. I'm sure it's just stress related. I have a zit, a headache and a backache, so I'm sure it will be here any day. Given that it's a week plus late, I didn't drink tonight, just in case. And then you know how it is, the later it is the more you worry and the more you stress and the later and later it will be. And then you find yourself saying things like, "I mean, it would be nearly impossible," but then you do the math and "nearly impossible" is not "impossible." This is my brain right now with every minute that passes with a zit, a backache and a headache but no period. Hi, mom!
8. Later on...when my period comes and we're all like "See, it was just the travel and the stress of all the other unexpected changes when you got back," I'll tell you about all of the other crazy stuff that's been going on in my head as the days drag by and I get later and later.
9. See, now I've stressed myself out: This is the cycle. I know I probably have nothing to worry about, but as soon as I start thinking or talking or writing about it, all I can think about is how freakin' late I am.
10. Let's watch a video instead. This is probably only funny to you if you've ever worked in a corporate marketing department and dealt with corporate design issues. And usually there's only one corporate "design" issue. And it has to do with...logo size. If you've never worked in a corporate marketing department, this is not so funny. If you have, well, you'll laugh your ass off.
Are you bored of Africa? I hope not, there's a lot left. Here's a Friday Five in the meantime.
1. Just for Hott Scott: Yo, we made "David Koresh" into a verb today. You win. I mean, you won the first time you described my issues with emotional attachment that way, but now you really win because I've incorporated it into my own vocabulary.
K-Rock What's up? I heard that you actually brought a boy out in public last night. Um, SMOS. SMOS. SMOS.
Me Yeah, well, I also invited him to spend New Year's with me in Tuscon because he's awesome like that. But, you know, it's chill because I'm committed to SMOS like you wouldn't believe and he is, as I mentioned, awesome and totally okay with my boundaries right now.
K-Rock Really? Awesome.
Me I mean, though, making plans that far out. That just assumes that I'm not going to David Koresh him before then.
K-Rock Jesus.
2. Just for Catwoman and Pookie: I gave you both the same ringtone on the iPhone! Can you guess what it is? Here's a hint! Once, we were driving home from the theater with my parents and Pookie kept singing it in the back seat and it made my father so angry for the whole ride. Deny your maker, people.
3. Just for shamus?: I want some pie. You probably would like your birthday present, but that's not going to stop me from bitching about the pie that I have not been given.
4. Just for Pookie: I'd type a bunch of running emoticons here and turn on my iChat so we could video chat, but you're THE FREAKIN' ONLINE JUNKIE BETWEEN THE TWO OF US.
5. Just for Hil: Good girl. Tuscon will be fun. Or at least there will be no shortage of things to talk about.
6. Just for C-Woo: Uh, yeah. I seem to have not booked that flight yet. Uh. I'm ALL OVER THAT this weekend.
7. Just for Shimmy: I miss you and I have a story you WILL NOT BELIEVE. In fact, I may just email you right now.
8. Fun with Facebook: You know what's obvious? I'm too tired to write anything good right now. Let's lift what other people have written because it's way wittier. So, I enjoy playing with the "questions" application on Facebook. This week I asked two:
Question: True or False: My new iPhone will make me happier, beautiful in the eyes of others, and a complete person.
Trick said: False. False. False. You were already all of those. The new iPhone will make you poorer, 135 grams heavier, and completely irritating when you make the new Britney song your ring tone.
(I Love) Paul Jack said: Yes, and you STILL paid too much for it.
Salim said: True if you feel happier about it and think others see you more beautiful.
J. Lucas said: False... All Apple products only bring pain, misery, and HPV. infections. In addition, you can't even MMS message with it!
Ferris said: Shut up. I hate you hate you hate you.
C-Woo said: YAY!
Franki said: False! Your iphone will only make you a complete person in the eyes of apple fanboyz. Eitherway, you're now another proud owner of crappy products.
ToniK said: Absolutely true. I now shed a new light on you. You were only kinda cool to me before you got an iPhone, however now you could be the coolest person I know
Emily said: it will at least serve as a nice party trick. people like to touch them...
And after Emily said that, I asked: A multiple choice question inspired by Emily. You and I are at a party together. You walk up to me. You want to: a. Lovingly stroke my new iPhone b. Smack my ghetto booty c. Pet me on the head and say "Good girl" d. Ask me to get you another drink
Trick said: e. All of the above, although I'll bet I wouldn't be the first one at the party to do that.
Kolodny said: f) Tell you to say "Girl Power" so that everyone knows you're still in my posse as Yenta Spice. Because we know that'd never happen in real life or anything.
(I Love) Paul Jack said: b times three.
Shimmy said: Really? I have to answer this? Fine. ALL OF THE ABOVE. Because I frequently DO all of the above, well except for A, and that's only because I have't met it yet.
Franki said: No choices here: A, then use A to perform B (repeatedly too), then select D and give you C only if you come back with the right drink
Lisa said: b. several times. and then tell you to get me a drink ;)
Slappy said: Holy Christ. I'm leaning towards D, but tatsa only because I already know you'd have someone else around to fetch that drink for me.
ToniK said: Beee atch get me another drink! Love you mean it!
K-Rock said: It depends on where we're at. It would probably start with B, then D, then C, then as the drinks progressed, I'd probably ask for the JesusPhone for drunk texting action. 'Cause that's how I roll.
This is a conversation that Pookie and I had. However, it's a conversation being given to you with more words and far less emoticons than actually happened since it was a conversation that happened over IM.
Me I don't need a man in my life anymore. My iPhone satisfies all of those needs for me.
Pookie iMann
It's the new apple product.
iMann.
"iMann update is now available."
Me It's perfect.
iMann can collect my email and read it to me.
iMann can have ringtone notifications that warn me of his mood.
I can plug iMann in to download things that will make him the perfect man for me.
Did you know that Pookie was blogging? Oh yes, my little brother, who until a month ago didn't even OWN a computer and still rolls without a cell phone has a BLOG. With digital photos he seems to have taken using the camera on his Mac.
So for a couple of days now, I've been trying to put a real journal entry together about my trip home to Pennsylvania to spend time with my mother, the Woodalls and Ferris for his big birthday (age STILL undisclosed)...and, of course, Pookie, Dana and Jai. And the thing is, I haven't been able to do it. There are dozens of stories that are funny to me, and funny to the people there, but they won't be funny to you. You know, because they're the kind of stories that are funny because all of the people involved know all of the history behind them, or are emotionally intimate enough to understand the laughter. So while the trip was amazing and perfect, it wouldn't be funny to anybody but us. But for those of us who participated, let us just take a moment and remember:
- Larry using a Buffalo Wild Wings as a locational reference point to guide me somewhere - "I thought taking a walk to the park would be nice." - "So what if I don't have a cell phone - I WAS THE FIRST ONE TO DINNER." - BIG TIME - "Clyde is here, Ferris. Brokeback it up for your birthday, baby." - Japanese food and the missing server. - Bar Louie and how somebody thought his move was to let that hobag walk in front of him and steal the table that should have rightfully been ours. - BIG TIME - "Did you know that your mother was in Guadalajara?" - MORE BIG TIME - "I'm so glad that cell phones were invented so that, while we're all here spending time together, you all can be texting other people who are NOT here." - "Let's make some MySpace magic tonight." - "Counting every blade of grass, taking a stand, starting a revolution." - FANTASTIC cocktails at the Shady Grove - Making ourselves sick with more food and booze at Gullifty's. I mean, like, SICK. - Larry wishing Ferris a happy birthday by telling him about his sweaty ass - My mom's cooking, including her attempt to lame out on stuffed mushrooms by microwaving them, to which we responded, "That's bullshit. Turn the oven on." - My mom's face when the question "Did you know that your mom is in Guadalajara?" was asked. - BIG TIME and BIG JIM - Snowballing. Don't even bother asking. - Jukeboxes - "Everything is definitely cool."
I love you mom, Pookie, Ferris, Dana, Candy, Larry, Jai. Thank you for such a wonderful set of perfect moments. You can see all of the pictures here, but here are my favorites for reference.
Don't you wish you could rock to ANY music? Even the servers singing at Yokoso?
Dinner. Good Times.
Much like The Jackal, where there is bottled beer, The Unicorn will appear.
Ferris, I guess we'll have to buy it. Then load it on a flatbed truck and take it on a cross country roadtrip called "Go West, Big Jim< -- Go West."
Now, all we need is $10,000 each......
To which Ferris replied:
We'll cross the country with it, finding out a lot about ourselves and America along the way. Finally, upon arriving in San Francisco, Big Jim becomes a gay icon, but during its triumphant (yet ill advised) parade down Lombard Street it teeters over and kills Joel. James, in a fit of anger, curses the day the steel giant was ever created; the statue gains sentience and in a fit of remorse, throws itself into the Bay. It is never seen again, and James ends his days working in a coal mine.
And so on Saturday we're sitting at my mom's house and we're all like, "Hey, Ferris, what do you want to do today for your birthday?"
And he's all like, "I want to go find the Big Jim statue and worship it."
Surely he did. So first we drive to where the Big Jim statue originally lived hoping, beyond hope, that perhaps he had not been moved yet. He had been moved. We then drive all the way through Charleroi, the town where Big Jim had resided, to see if he had been moved to a central park area or something. We have no luck.
I wrote that last paragraph like driving through Charleroi took us hours, but in reality driving through the entire length of Charleroi takes less than 10 minutes. At the end, disheartened and sad, we pull over to the Cougar Mini Mart. What shall we do? Almost twenty minutes into our quest, we've failed to find Big Jim.
So, the average age of a citizen of Jesus Land in Western Pennsylvania is about 115 years old. Pookie and I roll into the Cougar Mart (named, by the way, for the team mascot at the local high school) to ask if anybody knows where Big Jim is. There are two people in the Cougar Mart. The woman behind the counter (balding) and the woman buying her lottery tickets (old). We get in line to ask our question. It's at that point, that the woman buying the lottery tickets realizes that one of her FIFTEEN LOTTERY TICKETS has been misprinted not using the super secret lottery number that she wanted. What do you do in this situation if you are the lottery ticket purchaser or the woman behind the counter? Do you say to the old lady and her lotto tickets, "Just give me one moment to help those two people standing behind you and then we'll work out." NO! You proceed to spread ALL FIFTEEN LOTTERY TICKETS OUT ON THE COUNTER and then start tediously going through them with the old woman while Pookie and I stand there with our mouths open.
Fortunately, at that moment, a man who was roughly 115 years old and holding a respirator in his hand comes in and gets in line behind us.
Pookie to Said Man Have you lived here your whole life?
And at the time, it was a nice intro, though, you know, OBVIOUSLY. The man explains to us that the Big Jim statue has been moved to Bentleyville. We return to the car to suggest a trip to Bentleyville. Ferris is like, "Do we really want to drive all the way to Bentleyville?"
Again, this is said like this is some kind of trek. IT'S A TEN MINUTE DRIVE. We, of course, begin this ten minute drive with Ferris pulling his hybrid out in front of an 18-wheeler that was speeding down the highway at 80 miles an hour and literally CAME WITHIN FEET OUR OUR BUMPER. Ferris' response to this?
"This may be it, people."
I mean, and really, we were pretty close to death there.
And we turn into Bentleyville, and...THERE'S BIG JIM. In a park? No! In a town square? No! On a pastoral hill somewhere? No!
IN FRONT OF THE BENTLEYVILLE BEST WESTERN. You know it. You can't even take a picture of this piece of history without a Best Western sign in front of it.
You can see all of the pictures here. And you should look at them. But here are my four favorites:
Big Jim: Ass Up to the Sunlight
Ladies love Big Jim.
Gunslingers!
Go West, bitches.
I end with a haiku.
Big Jim. Such a man. Balls of steel. Literally. Bentleyville icon.
I'm doing this exercise in therapy where I make a timeline of all of the individual moments in my life that I remember as being perfect. Seriously? I have A LOT. A lot more than a girl deserves. Some of them, we'll cover periodically here as they come to me.
Remember the Spin Doctors? One summer, Pookie and I went to see the Spin Doctors. Part of me thinks that we may have had J-Flo with us, but I'm not sure. And I'm not even sure why we went to see the Spin Doctors, because they had all of two songs. Hell, I think that they still have all of two songs. But it was summer in Western Pennsylvania, and we all know that summer nights in any part of the midwest are more beautiful than summer nights anywhere else and there's possibly nothing better than dancing to live music on grass with stars above you in the then-Starlake-now-CocaCola amphitheater during those nights. Anyway, I'm pretty sure we went to the Spin Doctors' show with very little expectation. And it ended up being this perfect night. You know how sometimes you're at a show, and the band actually just connects with the audience, and everybody is feeling it? And you dance with strangers and sing at the top of your lungs and then people fall asleep in the car on the way home with the windows down? It was that kind of night. And months later, Pookie was watching MTV in Pittsburgh and I was watching MTV in Indiana and we both saw the same news report with the Spin Doctors. And the Spin Doctors said that their favorite show on the tour was in Pittsburgh. And Pookie and I were both like, "Yeah."
Speaking of Driving in the Midwest Which is one of my favorite things to do, driving in the Midwest. These long roads lay out in front of you and you can just move, cover ground. This one time, Catwoman and DivaMae and I were taking a road trip where Catwoman and I were going to drop DivaMae in Indiana to visit his brother and then the two of us were headed to Louisville. It was summer. And we decided to drive all night. As the sun was coming up the next morning, Catwoman and DivaMae were both dead asleep in the car. And I was having a "moment." It was summer. We had driven all night talking about relationships and dreams. Two of my best friends were asleep in the car and the sun was orange and coming up over the cornfields and all was right with God. And just as I'm having this moment, DivaMae wakes up, reaches over to the cd player and turns FREAKIN' LORDS OF ACID ON AT FULL VOLUME, waking up Catwoman and destroying all the peacefulness in the sunrise. And yet, somehow that moment was perfect.
Speaking of DivaMae One night, DivaMae and I decided that every time we heard the song "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails, we were going to strip our clothes off. And so we did.
Speaking of Being Naked Wait. I don't even have one for this, and it was the only logical place that I could take that last one. Let's restart.
This one time, at band camp... Band camp being one of my favorite times of the year every year in high school. And I was a freshman and TimR was a senior and a REBEL and he drove this blue drug van and everybody who was cool would have lunch in the drug van and sneak liquor after band camp moved to the football field during the second week. And I got invited to hang out with the cool kids in the van and then the next day TimR drove me home on his motorcycle and my mom FLIPPED OUT. That was a good summer.
Speaking of TimR.... There was a marina that his mother owned in Five Town that was named after him, and one day J-Flo and ChuckA and some of our other friends took J-Flo's boat out onto the Mon with more liquor than any group of 18-year-olds should ever have. And there was Zima. And ChuckA and I both drank so much Zima that by the time we docked at TimR's marina we were sick and embarrassing to be around AND we never drank Zima again in our lives. But I remember that that was one of the last days that we were able to all spend together as a group before people all started leaving, and it was sunny and fun and I still remember it.
See how I cycled from J-Flo back to J-Flo? We'll jump to another time era later.
Oh, Barack. You're Such a Believer. Only I am Not.
This one's for you, Pook. Thanks for the quesiton.
Things we already know and accept at ILovePaulJack are that my money, time and energy are behind the Hillary campaign. And this is despite the fact that, truthfully, I feel like, barring a scandal, Barack Obama probably has the primary wrapped up. And people have asked me why I would throw my support (such as it is) behind Hillary when Barack seems like both a more viable candidate and like somebody who would be more able to impact change if he were to be elected.
And for me, it really comes down to one thing. Hillary has faults, and they are numerous, and we all know all about them. But the premise on which Barack Obama builds his politics is just, for me, a fantasy.
To begin, I do love Barack Obama. I love his optimism, I love his ability to believe in the system's return to integrity, I love his honesty, I love how he doesn't pretend to be impartial about all things. Mostly, I love how he uses words. I love to hear him speak. I love to read his writing. I think that, if there's not some deep dark secret we don't know about, he is an exceptional man.
But I also think that he is misguided in the basis of his very belief system. And I give you, as evidence, an excerpt from The Audacity of Hope.
"No blinding insights emerged from these months of conversation. If anything, what struck me was just how modest people's hopes were, how much of what they believed seemed to hold constant across race, region, religion, and class. Most of them thought that anybody willing to work should be able to find a job that paid a living wage. They figured that people shouldn't have to file for bankruptcy because they got sick. The believed that every child should have a genuinely good education -- that it shouldn't just be a bunch of talk -- and that those same children should be able to go to college even if their parents weren't rich. They wanted to be safe, from criminals and from terrorists; they wanted clean air, clean water, and time with their kids. And when they got old, they wanted to be able to retire with some dignity and respect. That was about it. It wasn't much."
To which I can only say.
Dear Barack Obama,
Are you running for President in the same country that I live in?
Love, jocelyn
Firstly, Barack, I am glad you had such an inspirational experience during your campaign trip. Awesome. But any marketer will tell you that when you cull opinions from a focus group the opinions you get will be, by default, skewed because you are getting opinions from people who, for whatever reason, are willing to participate in the process. Hence they will "think" more than the average, apathetic person. If I pay 20 people $75 each to participate in my focus group, you'd better believe they're really considering my product, because I'm paying them to. And if I randomly grab 20 people out of the crowd in a mall, same dealio. Those people cared enough to stop what they were doing, therefore they will care more about what they are doing. The people who came to your union meetings and town hall meetings and kitchen table meetings are people who cared enough about the process of politics to participate. Therefore, by default, they are still believers. Your sample size was wrong in determining that the American people have modest hopes and dreams that can be accomplished by simple government cleanup.
Perhaps what you should have done was come to Wal-Mart with me for a day and just, you know, sit there. And I'm not talking about so that you can see the 5% of Wal-Mart shoppers who are there because the existence of a Wal-Mart in their town has meant that there are no longer any other places to shop. I'm not even talking about the 5% of Wal-Mart shoppers who come in to stare blindly at the flat screens as though they were in meditative prayer. I'm talking about the 90% of Wal-Mart shoppers who come in there because they feel totally entitled to 33% more cheetos at sixty cents on the dollar and fuck the repercussions. The system has kept them DOWN and now they want their justly deserved super sizes at discount prices.
Or come hang out on the Strip with me. No, don't do that. That's America at it's worst.
How about we have lunch with the thousands of Americans who will blame Bush and anybody else who's ever made money off of oil for the economy, social classes AND terrorism, but will still go out and buy an SUV instead of a hybrid because it's cool to look like you just stepped out of a music video. Oh, and hey! Let's buy one for the kids, too! Let's take no responsibility for the fact that the market dictates the actions of corporations and if you want clean air and water your purchasing decisions will drive that.
I know! Let's go to an irate town hall meeting where folks are talking about how every child deserves an education. A good one. Then let's ask them if they can name one mandate of the No Child Left Behind act and watch them stare blankly because they don't want to have to "read" to find out what major legislation is actually determining their child's quality of education. Then let's ask them if we can tax them another five cents per acre for property tax to create competitive wages for teachers and watch them run you out of town chased by burning torches.
Let's not even talk about everybody who wants to work should be able to do so at a livable wage. Come to Peru, or China, or even Jamaica with me and I'll show you that attitude. Here, everybody who wants to work wants to work flipping houses so that they don't have to work.
Let's see how many Americans who want to retire with dignity define dignity as anything less than independently wealthy. Let's see how many twenty-five-year-olds who define "livable wage" do so with a wage that is livable versus a wage that ensures the purchase of aforementioned SUV.
So, the answer, Pookie, to your question is that I don't think she's the be-all, end-all either. I, like you, would prefer a Gore option. But at least I know that the premise of her politics isn't that people are inherently good and will be satisfied if she returns them to the simple lifestyle we once saw in a Norman Rockwell painting. At least she understands that the American population is, by and large, pretty greedy and lazy. Barack Obama is either misguided and building a political vision based on illusion, or he's willingly trying to make me believe in a world of puppies and rainbows. And because he seems like a good, well-intentioned guy, I'm going to have to go with the belief that he's a little misguided by his own optimism. And that's a little scary.
Pookie - Go - Discuss. But do it Monday since I know you do not have internet access in your home. Pook: Putting the less back into wireless.
For a pretty much unedited look at Pookie's birthday weekend, you can hit up Flickr and check the set. But I'm giving you my five favorite photos below!
The now traditional event photo with "Fran," if that is in fact his real name.
Really, this photo tells you everything you need to know about mine and Pookie's relationship.
There is only one word for this photo. And that word is "M.A.N.L.Y"
Joey V is like an arrow in motion to the speakeasy.
We call this our "sitcom" photo, because it's the kind of photo that happens at the end of the intro credits to any sitcom with an ensemble cast...you know, how at the end of the credits the cast of friends or family all tumbles gleefully onto a couch where they smile about their wacky lives that always end perfectly happily? That's this photo.
An online, day-late 30th birthday card for Pookie.
How to rock it, kicking ass 24/7, for 30 years. Pookie-style.
April, 1977: Get born somewhere where the sign pictured below exists within a mile of your house. A place where people take their guns so seriously that they create signs like this. Signs that imply that the deer are enjoying this activity, too.
Next meet your big sister. She will love you no matter what. Even when "what" is you saying "Just let me check something super quickly on your laptop" and then still sitting there with the laptop 15 minutes later posting things on message boards while her head explodes on the inside. You will love her no matter what, too. Even when "what" is the Christmas she decided it would be cool to wear temporary tattoos on her forehead all week long.
permalink baby
