Holidays - Chapter 1: "Not a Single Cookie Was Decorated": Holidays are Always Best When They Start in LA
And so, the first run on the holiday gauntlet was to LA. I suppose, though, for the record that it all depends on how you define "holiday gauntlet" since the argument could be made that the holiday gauntlet had started over Thanksgiving in San Francisco, or the weekend after in Austin. Both of those events included binge drinking and eye-rolling moments, so who knows.
The first thing that is supposed to happen during LA Holiday is a cookie decorating party at Shimmy's. The idea being that we would make casseroles (put that holiday weight on early, please), drink cocktails and decorate cookies while enjoying girl holiday time.
The problem, however, is in the order that we did things. Rather than decorate cookies while cooking and drinking, we proceeded to have two to three cocktails a piece before cookies were ever mentioned. Wanna know something? At the end of the night not a single cookie had even been touched.
We ate FOUR kinds of casserole.
We had many, many cocktails. KALM wore this:
LaurieG got a fart fan for Christmas, took an unusually hot picture with it and then later REALLY needed it:
And then, various things happened. We both opened gifts and went through items from each other's closets that we were getting rid of. It was like our own personal garage sale. Here are a couple of pictures of happy gift girls:
Then, Shadee told a story about how she had gone to Trader Joe's and gotten distracted by a cute boy and then proceeded to trip on her own heel and nearly fall over while almost taking down an entire wine display with her. She was very animated. And these are our real lives.
Then, we danced. We danced like hookers even though we did not look like hookers because we were all wearing pajamas. Here are some pictures.
Then, we decided to try to watch "Two Girls, One Cup." If you're not familiar, this is a HORRID, NASTY porn video that's circulating the internet. It's painful. I mean, in fairness, we'd been watching YouTube clips for a while, and somebody brought up "Two Girls, One Cup" and we were all like "let's check it out!" IT WAS SO DISGUSTING WE COULD NOT EVEN WATCH IT. These photos are priceless, yes they are. If you look at them, you will see that we could not even keep our faces towards the screen. We couldn't even watch. I mean, except, apparently, for ONE PERSON. If you look at the photos, you will see that three of us are all turning away from the screen and ONE PERSON seems to be captivated and drawn to the screen in all pictures. That is all.
And then we passed out. Oh yes, you may have imagined that this rager ran all night, but you would be wrong. Here's photographic evidence that the majority of the party girls passed out before it was even midnight. Ha.
So, to review, our girlie night had everything you could hope for in your fantasies:
A Friday Five In Which I Close the Month With Strippers
1. I am the coolest girl you'll ever date: This is an actual exchange that went on this week.
Runner Boy Via Text We're still on for Friday?
Me Via Email YES! But, um, how do you feel about drinking at the Wynn for at least part of the time? I have to do stripper control and maintanence for a party around 10 or so (by which I mean pay the girls, walk them up and make sure nobody is overweight). After that I'm free.
Runner Boy Via Email Let me make myself clear. I have asked you out on a date and you have counter offered with drinking at the Wynn (one of my favorite hotels), hanging out and "judging" strippers (I have a brain......so no comment), then enjoying the rest of the evening with just you after 10pm. Gosh Jocelyn........DUH!!!!!! :-)
It's true, I am officially the coolest girl you can data. Viva SMOS.
2. Speaking of Strippers: I thought you might enjoy this story. We're planning a party for some bachelors this weekend, and they want strippers in the room. So I call them and say, "Can you be more specific about exactly what kind of girls you want?" They need to think. They need to call me back. And when they do, this is what they want:
"We'd like one blond girl with REALLY big boobs. Once exotic girl, and one Black girl with a great tush."
Listen, if I'm not going to be part of the solution, I'm at least going to capitalize on the problem.
3. A Story of a Camera: This is another story of fun times in LA last weekend. I don't know why World Famous in SF doesn't allow permalinking, which would make this easier, but shamus? tells the story better than I do. Suffice it to say that a camera was taken, incriminating pictures of shamus? looking like a fool looking for his camera were taken and then hyjinx ensued. Click here to read the story, because it's awesome. It's the August 28th entry.
4. Rambling: I have less than 20 days until Africa and still have no visa. I like the excitement of waiting, is what it must be. And I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to 24 straight hours of flying. Football season, who needs it? Twitter: Best thing since MySpace! Facebook: Better than MySpace. BankofAmerica=BankofEvil. My iPod: Jamming.
5. Friday Playlist. There's no playlist at all this week because, really, there's only one song that we should all be listening to. And it's here. I don't feel right inside right now.
"Great news, Jeremy, DoodyBubble is totally available. We can get right on this tomorrow!"
Subtitled: LA is Always, Like, an Adventure
One of the things that I always did love about living in San Francisco is that, if you wanted to go create an adventure one night, there was always something to do to create that adventure and there were always playmates ready and willing to have an adventure. LA is like that for me, too, which is probably why I'm on my way there. (Yes, really.)
I had a good weekend of adventure.
On Friday night, I went with shamus? and Tom to get midnight tacos and then to the Hard Place Pompeii party. Which was at the White Slave Trade. In an alley. In Echo Park. I have three most favorite stories from the night, and also, you can see all of the Hard Place band photos here.
Story Number One: "Well, then I can't help you." So, let it be said that I loved everybody I met. They were all creative and fun and nice and lovers of the absurd. However, I think that I am not telling anybody anything that they don't already know when I say that I am not so much attracted to LA scenester boys in skinny jeans (which, by the way, in my mind are as much as much a travesty on men as are manpris and Crocs). However, possibly as punishment for, well, pick it, God gave me a little scenester boy. This one was so devoted to his favorite band that he had ridden his bike from Burbank to the show. Because bike was his preferred form of transport, which is important later.
I was not in the mood for game. I had not been in the mood for game to begin with. Bike Boy kept telling me that my gold lame stretch pants from AA were so hot he couldn't stand it, which may have been the funniest thing any boy has ever said to me in my life while trying to pick me up. Because, I think we all know that gold lame stretch pants are not hot on ANYBODY.
It is also important to note that shamus?, Tom and myself had no place to sleep that night. None of us had so much bothered to work that out, and all of us were like "We'll just figure that shit out after the show." That's how we roll. So, at one point, I'm trying to extract myself from the couch with scenester boy, and I'm like, "I need to go check in with shamus? and Tom. We don't have a place to sleep tonight."
Scenester Boy You can come back to my place. I have a fold out couch in the living room. They can sleep there.
Me In Burbank?
Scenester Boy Yeah. Burbank.
Me What are we going to do about your bike then?
Scenester Boy We can take it apart and put it in the back of your car. Then you can drive to Burbank.
I see how it is. YES. We're all about the preservation of the environment by riding bikes, but when the possibility of getting laid is on the table - LET'S BURN SOME FOSSIL FUEL.
There were many reasons why that hook up wasn't going to happen, including but not limited to a)I was tired, b)I wasn't in the mood, c)I wasn't all that into it, d)I was on my period, and e)I am way too old and make way too much money to hook up with somebody just so that me and my two gay friends have a place to sleep that night. I totally stopped doing that sometime in my mid-twenties.
Anyway, it's time to extract from the situation. shamus? is about to walk away and I grab him by the toga (oh yes, yes he did) and I'm all like "You can't go anywhere. Help me." So shamus? actually offers up a good excuse to leave the situation. And that excuse is, "Lady friend, do you need a vodka drink? I'll buy you one, but I'm not carrying it for you. You need to get your ass up and walk to the bar."
I give you MAN TOGA.
Now, admittedly, he's given me a perfect reason to disappear. The entire world can see that I need a drink. He's offered to get me one. All I have to do is get up. But immediately the struggle begins in me, and my brain starts screaming "What up, bitch? I can't believe you think I'm getting off my ass to get a drink when you have perfectly healthy legs and arms to bring said drink to me over here." And before I can stop myself, I say, "I am NOT getting up to get a drink. What's wrong with you?"
And shamus? stares at me. Baffled by my reluctance to leave the very situation I just said I needed help getting out of (making this moment a microcosm of my entire life). And he sighs, and he says:
"Well I can't help you then."
And then he disappears. Leaving me there with all kinds of bad touch on gold lame and having to live with the results of the uncontrollable dose of princess in my blood. And in the best news you will hear all week, somebody actually took a picture of this entire scene while it was going down. Perfect.
Story Number Two: Five Dollars, Please. Shortly after shamus? disappears, I get up and go after him. He is standing by the door with one of the guys from The Passionistas. If you didn't notice it in the photo, the guys from The Passionistas had made their togas from American flags. Perhaps you are offended by this, perhaps you are not. In either case, you don't need to tell me about it because I am not the person who showed up in an American flag toga. I am simply relaying a story that requires you to know that there is a person in a toga made from an American flag.
To this moment, I am not sure how this happened, but shamus?, the guy from The Passionistas and I ended up working the door. I really don't know how it happened. One minute we were talking, and the next minute we were asking people for $5 on their way in. We have no idea where the actual doorman, a large man with questionable dental hygiene, disappeared to. But at one point, the actual doorman comes back. And he's on some substance. And he looks at the guy from The Passionistas and says
"Thanks for working the door for me. Thanks so much. You know, you know, I'm gonna tell you something. You know about all that shit that went down at Roswell? You know? Like aliens and shit? Yeah. You know where George Bush was born? Yeah, like an hour from Roswell. George Bush isn't human. He's an alien implant. And global warming isn't global warming. It's making the climate right for the aliens. I'M FUCKING GLAD YOU DENIGRATED THE AMERICAN FLAG, DUDE."
We did not work the door for much longer. That is all. And for the record, this is how the night ended. If you didn't know better, you would think that shamus? was all emo and I had overdosed. But really, there's just no better way in my world to end a night than curled up asleep next to shamus while he's wearing a bedazzled shower curtain as a toga.
Story Number Three: It's 4:10am! Do You Know Where Your Jocelyn Is? So, we leave that show/party at around 3:30am. Still with no place to sleep. shamus? looks at me. "What are you going to do?" I'm like, "I think I'm just going to get on the 405 and find a hotel closer to Long Beach since I need to be there in the morning." And so the three of us split up. But after I get on the 405, my thought process is as follows:
"You know, Shimmy said to me yesterday that she had to leave her place at 5am on Saturday morning to go for a run. If I just drive all the way to Long Beach, I'll get there a little after 4am, which is right when she should be waking up. That works. That totally works!"
And so I drive my ass down to Long Beach. And I pull up in front of Shimmy's bougie building. And at 4:10am I text her this: "Hey! Txt me back if you're awake!"
My phone rings.
Me I can't believe you're awake!
Shimmy I can't believe you just texted me.
Me Can you come down and let me in?!!!!
And that girl, that wonderful girl, she came down and let me in and put me to bed and made me tea later. Right now, don't you wish that you and I were tight like that? Because if you and I were tight like that, I would possibly show up at your place at 4:10am begging you to let me in, then invading your calm and peaceful home while wearing some gold lame stretch pants and a hoodie, smelling like cigarettes, booze and alley urine and justifying all of this by yelling "YOU'RE SO LUCKY, IT'S LIKE GOD SENT ME HERE TO MAKE SURE YOU GOT UP AND WENT RUNNING THIS MORNING!!!!!!"
That girl is wonderful. I am not wonderful because, really, who behaves like that?
As for the rest of the weekend... Well, it was pretty much perfect. Shimmy came back from her run, and we went out and had crepes and mimosas (well, I had a mimosa, Shimmy is being good). The I managed to spend $160 on two dresses MADE OF T-SHIRT MATERIAL to take to Africa. Then I managed to spend $70 on two candles. Then I turned to Shimmy and said, "Maybe I should spend some money today." That's when we realized that shopping should stop and went and had PinkBerry instead.
And then we slept. I think the plan was more like "nap," but I slept until Charles called to tell me that dinner was at six. At which point, I was like, "Uh, maybe six thirty - I'm still in Long Beach." And then I arrived at dinner at 7:00pm. Shadalan, Shimmy, Charles and Luci were ALL there before me, and Shimmy didn't even leave until I was supposedly five blocks away from the place.
But that excepted, dinner was lovely. It was beautiful outside. Charles and Luci had brought two lovely, lovely bottles of vino. Shadalan looked like a beautiful Persian princess. Shimmy was hungry. I was thirsty. Conversation was easy and laughter was frequent. And we all left contented.
The next morning, Shimmy and I got karmic-ly cleansed and talked about anger in the world from a Buddhist perspective. You can decide for yourself if that was time well spent for me when I tell you that after I got back to Vegas that night, I had to pull over to the side of the road to talk myself out of ramming my car into the back of the car in front of me to make them drive faster. So maybe that class worked in that I didn't do that, and maybe it didn't in that I still wanted to. Whatever.
After getting cleansed, we filled back up with this ridiculously good diner food that included but was not limited to all of the following on two plates: toast, french toast stuffed with cream cheese and sugar, hash browns, poached eggs, gravy, corn beef hash, some kind of eggs of a scrambled or omelet variety, avocado, bacon, sour cream...you know what, I'm missing something. Even the man sitting next to us was like, "You guys put a huge dent in that for such little people."
And then it was time to leave, and if I didn't have the fact that My Favorite Mike (MFM) was in town and we were having dinner at Rao, I would have cried about leaving.
So.Fucking.Tragic. That's what I'm subtitling that weekend. Only because of that picture of shamus? and I.
I miss you LA! I'm headed back any day now! Seriously!
Friday Six: Tattoo Wisdom, Champagne, Social Injustice
1. Because I enjoy being financially tight but exceptionally well-traveled: "We're going to Madrid in February" somehow turned into "Some of us are going to Madrid in February" and "Some of us are going to Seville in April". So I'm just going to call it now - That means no more travel plans for '08, because that's Spain twice and then Mongolia in the fall and that's about all this girl can handle until she becomes a full on lady of leisure. Bitches better plan some parties.
2: Big Josh wants to drop some wisdom: And in case you were wondering, Big Josh is from Diversity Tattoo where I just got my new one done. He wants you to know that "People love to get hurt by the people they love - it makes them strong." I might say that it only makes you strong if you choose to let it make you strong. It's pretty easy to hide from it and let it make you weaker. And I think that you know who you are.
3. Actual quote from my mom to C-Woo: "I always say that Joel's going to save the world, and then Jocelyn is going to buy it from him."
That's fucked up, mom. It implies that after saving the world, Joel would embrace capitalism.
4. Notes from Partay World: So ToniK rolls into the office with five bottles of embarrassing pink champagne that each cost more than you probably pay in rent or mortgage per month. I mean, like each bottle INDIVIDUALLY costs more than you probably pay in rent or mortgage each month.
Me There are five bottles there.
Toni Yeah, they added two people, so I figured we'd need the fifth bottle.
Me They only approved four bottles though, you know.
Toni Right, well, I figure they won't have a problem with it, what with the extra people and the fact that they have more money than God. But you know, if for some reason they don't want the fifth bottle...
Me Then you and I are about to have an awesome evening in your backyard with your dog, a pizza and a bottle of champagne that costs more than you or I pay in rent or mortgage a month. Hot.
5. An important social question - discuss: One might think that the important social question would be "Is there something wrong with a world in which one can buy champagne that costs more than a person's rent or mortgage?" No, the important social question is:
Which of the following has contributed more to the stripping away of people's dignity? Is it:
a. The mere existence of YouTube. See the following as an example.
Or is it....
b. The industry that is Bollywood. See the following as an example.
Discuss. Let me know.
6. And a play list: I've been musically (and mentally, and emotionally, and physically) all over the map this week, so this play list is literally the six (since this is a Friday six) songs that went through on my iPod while I was writing this. "I'm crazy," is what this playlist says.
a. Oasis - Fucking in the Bushes: This is the song I start EVERY RUN I'VE EVER TAKEN with. It's the most motivational piece of music I know of. That may say something about me, I suppose.
b. Jack Johnson - Bubble Toes: I love me some Jack Johnson and everybody knows it.
c. Seasons of Love - Rent: What's funny is how there are two motivational songs on this list. One about fucking in some bushes, one about moving through life. Ha.
d. Jackson Brown - Sky Blue and Black: I think that the "I'm Alive" album is one of the greatest albums ever recorded. I really do. I'm not sure why more people don't think that. Cory convinced me to buy it one day back in Bloomington and I've never stopped listening to it.
e. Billy Joel - And So It Goes: I have no idea why my random shuffle is so mellow today, but it is. Kind of mopey, no? But again, I'm not sure we can argue that this is one the single most beautiful songs ever sung by a man to a woman (HINT).
f. Lyndard Skynard - Sweet Home Alabama: Back in the day, when the Avery and the Janet and the PJ and I used to go to the Toronado, like, EVERY Friday, there was this fun little game I would play where I would put this song on the jukebox, and then Johnny the bartender would yell at me not to play that crap in his bar and use his manual override to switch the jukebox to Black Flag or some crap like that. I think we can probably all see how that story eventually ended.
Postscript: An actual conversation.
"What are you doing this weekend, Jocelyn?"
"Going somewhat insane because Ferrisx2 is in town AND we're running a party that costs more than you make in a year."
"How about next weekend?"
"I'm going to LA to see some kind of fucked up band in some bad neighborhood on Friday night and go to the roller derby on Saturday."
"So I see that your new spiritual journey is going well."
LA in April is not like Paris in April, but it's pretty damn good.
This is like a little blog-type scrapbook of the last four days or so. Enjoy. Fun times.
How does this happen? HOW????? There's some debate about at what point in the evening we should have realized that our "non-rager, just dinner and drinks with the girls" was going to turn into something that was more like the polar opposite of a "non-rager, just dinner and drinks with the girls." I originally thought that the moment of realization happened when we left the "calm" place where we were starting the night and went to a club. shimmy walked in and said, "It's sweaty in here. I like it."
shimmy, however, corrected me. The moment of realization really should have come five minutes after we walked into the place we were having dinner. It should have happened when, after the hostess took us to a lovely table in a quiet area where we could really have enjoyed a few cocktails, some tapas and some mellow conversations, we looked at her with confusion in our eyes and said, "But, but, we want that table. The one right by the bar."
Yep. We sure did start the night out looking pretty and made-up. With napkins on our laps and a discussion of the cheese plate and truffle oil. Making little hearts with our hands when we took photos. Not saying things that clearly foreshadowed where the evening was going. Not saying things like "My friend needs another cocktail so she can build up the courage to talk to that guy" or "Your boobs are like a magnet to Bob." No, look. In fact we look like well-behaved, sweet ladies in these pictures.
And then, no less than five hours later, we had somehow acquired a posse of boys to be our entourage and the scene had degenerated to this:
I don't know how it happens. I continue to believe we're capable of having mellow evenings. Just all photographic evidence seems to imply otherwise.
Things Friends Do For Friends Friends will do three very important things for their friends.
Least Important but HOT: Friends will make their sexy face in .004 seconds flat as soon as a camera comes out to ensure good evening photos.
Of Importance ALWAYS: Friends will devise evil revenge plans with friends (JOKING - don't get stressed)
Of the MOST IMPORTANCE: Friends will make sure that friends don't have to spend their entire evening looking at unfortunate muffin top.
I missed the part where Shalom was THIS MUCH TALLER THAN ME Maybe it's the power of persuasion, but you do feel peaceful around him, you know? Pookie, Shalom says to email him, you schmuck.
Five Haiku About Sunday Night
Three small girls should not order this much food, beware getting muffin top
I am embarrassed to admit we did not wait to use silverware
If those people do not get up from OUR table it will get ugly
Big Lots of fashion brand names from hoochie stores, and KALM KNOWS hoochie stores
Basic Rule of Life: Never tell your own father You teach blow job class.
Ruining the Illusions of Men Everywhere shimmy and I had a sleepover on Sunday night. To encourage your fantasies, this sleepover did involve:
- us in our nighties - red wine - chocolate covered strawberries - an inflatable bed
But you wanna know what we did? We watched Deadliest Catch. Yes, don't fool yourself. There were no pillow fights. There was no making out of any kind. Nobody tickled anybody. We watched men who smell like fish and don't shower or shave for days on end pulling huge crates of Alaskan King Crab up out of the ocean for HOURS. We said things like "There's not a lot of crab in that case. They'd better make up time." and "He just got hit by a huge chunk of ice! Watch out!" It wasn't hot. I know I got you thinking that this was hot with the nighties, red wine, strawberries and inflatable bed, but boys, we watched crab fishing all night. I'm just being honest.
Proof That Not EVERYBODY Breaks Up in the Spring It was nice to spend some time with people who have known you since you were three feet tall, who have overcome amazing individual obstacles and who have fought all odds to build this amazing marriage. Thanks. Seriously. All we talked about all weekend with EVERYBODY was people leaving people. You were very inspiring. If you'd told me when I was sixteen and you were passed out in my bed between me and Melsa drooling on my pillow that you'd teach me lessons 16 years later, I would not have believed you. You'll get everything you want. Because you've learned how to make that happen.
Sometimes, You Only Wish You Had My Life Though I can guarantee you that there was a huge part of Tuesday where you wouldn't have wanted my life. But two SUPER AWESOME things happened!
First, I got to take a ride-along in a pace car being driven at speed by Rocky Moran Jr. on the actual track for the Long Beach Grand Prix. And let me tell you, that was as awesome as it sounds. You SHOULD be jealous. That shit is ridiculous. And also, because there is always a story, you know, it went down like this.
The safety guy is strapping me into the car, and I see him adjusting the seat belt down really small, so I say to him, "That won't fit like that. I have really big hips." And he looks at me and makes a face like I don't know what I'm talking about. But, of course, when I go to get into the car, the seat belt is too small across my hips. And he looks at me, baffled, and says "Man, for a little, tiny thing, you sure do have big hips."
Thank you, sir.
Anyway, that would have been the highlight, except that end of the day, in what can only be described as a miracle of miracles, I GOT TO TAKE A RIDE-ALONG IN A DRIFT CAR AT SPEED ON THE TRACK!!!!!
Now, if you saw Fast and the Furious Three: Tokyo Drift, you already know what drift racing is. But in case you missed that gem, it's a race technique where, basically, instead of cornering around bends, you drive STRAIGHT AT THE WALL AT OVER A HUNDRED MILES AN HOUR and then, inches before you hit it, you force the car into a spin-out around the wall. And Ry and I are SO EXCITED to do a drive along. And I cannot tell you how amazing it was. The first time my driver headed to the wall at 120mph+, I honestly thought "What am I doing? It's actually entirely possible that this car will crash and I will die or be seriously injured. That could actually happen."
But that thought soon went away with the rush of adrenaline. IT WAS SO AWESOME.
As I'm being strapped into the car: "This driver doesn't speak a single word of English, so if you get scared and want him to stop drifting and just drive the course, he won't know what you're saying."
Four Hours Into My Future: Otherwise Known as Tyler
As shimmy says, it really writes itself.
Thank you to the two girls who did not need distraction for babysitting the two of us who did so very well. Thank you to all my favorite girlies for giving me a new anchor about Tyler and dancing and Asian Pears and the drunkest pick up lines ever to replace my old anchor for Manhattan Beach, which needs to be trashed.
Thank you for Tyler for leading the rally for one more hour of dancing somewhere. And for the drink. And the cute smile. And the fun on the dance floor. And the picture shimmy and shadalan and KALM took that you don't even know about.
And there will be pictures later, but here's my favorite story of the night. The night of the "non-rager" in Manhattan Beach. Which as you can see from the time did not so much exist as a non-rager.
Drunk, DRUNK Man Picking Up on Us LADIES!
Shimmy What brings you out tonight?
Drunk, DRUNK Man Picking Up on Us You do!
And then...later....so good...
Drunk, DRUNK Man Picking Up on Us I only go on one speed.
KALM But what if you have to pee?
Drunk, DRUNK Man Picking Up onUs I'd go in you!
Yes, people. L.A. isn't really that much different from Vegas. You can make that party happen anywhere, and I'll tell you all about it later with more stories and photos.
Madonna Tribute - Cast of Glee
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