We Need to Talk About Some Things: An Early Week Fiver
We need to discuss some things. Some of them important, some of them not.
1. Why aren't you updating your blog, Jocelyn? Listen, you should expect that for the next several months, at best, I'm checking in once or twice a week. There's a lot going on that some of you know about and some of you don't. Huge professional opportunity that I don't want to miss or under-perform at. New developments with the boy on the scene that change the whole game. Things in real life to focus on, and some of them, for various reasons, while they would be great storytelling, must be left off of the blog. I'm probably setting something up privately somewhere for some of that, but here will be sparse for some time to come. I'm sure I'll be back in full swing by the holidays, because I would not want you to miss a single holiday retardedness story.
2. Thing Number One That I Hate Myself for Loving: The New 90210. Okay, listen. I don't pretend for a moment that it compares to the original, and I'm not even sure I'll care about it for the entire season. Mostly, I don't think that it will hold up because none of the actors they've hired have 1/3 of the charisma of a Jason Priestly or a Luke Perry or a Tori Spelling (say what you want, when she was on screen you couldn't take your eyes off of her). But there were some freakingly brilliant things about the first episode.
a. The replacement cast in general: It is kind of neat how every original cast member has a more or less replacement in this cast. The siblings who move, the journalism geek (though this time it's a man), the troubled rebel, the troubled rich girl, the wanna-be celeb. I appreciate the theme on the original variation, and yes, I just said that about 90201.
b. Erin Silver: Remember when Kelly Taylor's mom and David Silver's dad had a baby in season three or four and named her Erin? She's now a character on the new show. She calls her self Sliver and wears dark eyeliner and has a video blog. You see, because the video blog is the replacement for the morning radio show. Awesomeness.
c. The shout-out to Andrea Zuckerman: Possibly the best moment of the show, when the morning tv news anchor for the high school comes on and introduces herself as Andrea Zuckerman Garcia and then the show cuts to a teacher in a classroom who looks up at the tv and says, "How old is that girl anyway? Like 30?" This is all hysterical if you watched the original and know that Andrea Zuckerman was a Jewish girl played by a Latina girl/woman who was already 30 years old when she got cast on the show.
d. The shout out to Dylan: At the end of the show, the "troubled rebel" character who will replace Dylan emerges from the ocean wearing a wetsuit and carrying at surfboard just like Dylan did in the first episode. It was hot. Inappropriately hot.
e. Oral sex: We never had implied or obvious oral sex in the original.
f. Jennie Garth & Shannen Dougherty: Thank you, ladies, for making this special.
The only place the show entirely failed, in my mind, was in the casting of the parents. One of the things that worked so well in the original is that the parents looked like parents, and like parents who might not fit in so well in LA. I love Lori Loughlin and I LOVE Rob Estes (remember Silk Stalkings of late eighties fame?). LOVE THEM. But nobody has ever had parents that are that hot, ever, in the history of parents. EVER. Kelly's mom wasn't hot. Dylan's parents were old hippies. And for sure, Carol and Jim Walsh were not hot. I don't like the hot parents. That is all.
3. Thing Number 2 That I Hate Myself for Loving: The NKOTB &Ne-Yo Single: So. Brilliant. Let's list the ways and reasons that I love and can't stop listening to and watching the video for this song.
a. It's a mother-fucking colaboration between the New Kids on the Block and Ne-Yo. Right there, that should be enough for you.
b. My boyfriend Joey Mac is on lead vocals.
c. The video takes place in Jet, which is just not-hot enough to be the landscape for a NKOTB vidow.
d. These are the lyrics: Pretty mama if you're single...single You don't gotta be alone tonight So while the dj play this single...single Just pretend that I'm your man tonight So you don't gotta be alone Baby ill be your boyfriend Be your boyfriend til the song goes off (Mmmm)
BRILLIANT.
4. NFL: Is finally back. The public was on the Lions today. The public was way wrong on that one. My Steelers looked like the best team ever to take the field. I mean, it was against the Texans, and at home. But I'm going to take it. I'm going to take it because I made this unfortunate bet that I could imagine regretting. I bet $50 that the Steelers would have a winning record at the bye week (which for them is week six), but I gave my opponent 3-1 odds on it. So if they can't eek out 3-2, I'm out $150. I love my Steelers. There's turmoil in Steeltown though, and I may be out some cash.
Also, that Jets/Miami game was very exciting to watch. I still don't like it though.
5. The Last King of Scotland: Briefly, that movie is disturbing, and it leaves you feeling unwell at the end, and it doesn't even really begin to touch on how horrible and sick and twisted Amin was. If you're going to watch the movie, be mentally prepared.
So, firstly, I know that there is an impression out there that any time there is a "bad girl" idea, it has come from me. This is inaccurate. Sometimes, I am lame. Sometimes, I don't really want to go out. Sometimes, I just want to chill. For example, last time I was in Pennsylvania, Pookie and Honeydunce took Ferris and I to a "hipster rock and roll party." The party was thumping. The music was jumping. There were forties, and people were going to drink and get stupid until the AM. And I looked at Ferris and said, "Let's go home and play online scrabble and take pictures of the cats." So that's what we did. Sometimes, I can be lame.
I say this, because I am sure you would assume that the "Sexes With Exes" project at pottery night was my idea. It was not. NOT. It was Kim's idea. And the idea was that we would all make large, round serving platters that basically were pie charts of things that applied to our "sexes with exes." Yes, Paul Jack. I know that you must be very jealous right now that you and I did not at one time think of this.
At any rate, the idea, obviously, brilliant. And I thought I'd share the platters. Kim goes first!
So to review, Kim's list: - Lamp breaking, sheet ripping sex (which is a phrase said Paul Jack and I used to use, which I am proud to have sent out into the world. - What the hell was I thinking? - Don't remember your name - Took your virinity - Misc. Locations - One night stands - Boom! I got your boyfriend (dirty) - Walk of shame - Cyber, virtual and phone (I'm personally surprised how big this section is in her chart) - I wish I would have had sex with ... - anal (I cannot believe your color choice for that! Gross!) - Experimental - Crazy in the head, crazy in the bed (It's somewhat sad that we all needed this category) - Just don't even bother to finish (Which is even SADDER) - Age inappropriate - Oral sex really is sex - Too drunk to get off
And now ... K-Rock!
K-Rock's list! - Crazy in the head, crazy in the bed (We REALLY need to select better) - Holy crap, you're old! - The Big O - Musicians (OMG) - Peanut Butter Jelly Time - In my parent's bed (Gross!) - Oral - Random bar hookup - Somebody's second - He smothered me - Well. I guess so. - 3 Ring Circus - Experimental - Are you in yet? (I cannot tell you how sad this makes me. This should never be on anybody's list! So sad!)
And now, I give you mine.
And my list: - Crazy in the head, crazy in the bed - Sheet ripping, lamp breaking - It was Christmas, I was lonely - I had sex with you while listening to Boyz 2 Men - Age inappropriate - Internacional - Cyber - Misc. Locations - NOT my future husband - WTF???? - Faked it. - Didn't fake it. - "Experimental" phase. - I don't remember your name. - I never asked your name. - I was fantasizing about an American Idol while we were having sex.
That last one is embarrassing for me, too.
You, too, should learn to express yourself creatively through pottery painting.
1. I am not a cliche...sort of. Somebody thought that she was really funny when she sent me this after I said that my psychic said that my jam for 2008 was "Unwritten." Right to hell with you, hooker. I mean that last sentence in an affectionate, "anything is possible" way.
2. I HAD been looking forward to a week of unemployment. How is it that my "to do" list is twice as long for this week? I know, I know. I'm getting PPG ready to leave in ToniK's capable hands for a month, I'm starting a consulting firm, I'm NOT IN ANYWAY READY to leave for Mongolia. Have I told you that I haven't even booked a flight home from Pennsylvania yet? My head hurts. It's 11am on a Sunday, and my head hurts already. And I probably have two full days of laundry to do. I should start that this evening.
3. FERRIS IN DA HOUSE. So, Ferris gets here Thursday for Pretty Kim's wedding. At noon. I want to say I'm going to drop him and his ladeeefriend on the Strip and come home and pack. I'm not sure if this is reality or not. But I know this ... when Ferris and I and the three fat cats are in Vegas together, we PAR-TAY.
4. A list of things that made me cry this week: Yeah, who knows. I was in crying mode this week. - Mark and Chelsea on "So You Think You Can Dance" - Katee & Joshua on "So You Think You Can Dance" - The episode of "Sex and the City" where Steve and Miranda break up - Last night's middle of the night phone message that I just can't return (sorry). You know, sometimes the people who make you feel the best are really the worst for you, and I hate that. - The car ride home from pottery when I started thinking about how I won't be in Vegas at this time next year, and this time of year is my favorite time in Vegas - The fact that I have to wait until September to see Erin - About 50 different incidents at work. Which is over Monday, so yeah! - The thought of two to three days worth of laundry.
Yes, I was having my pms week. But still...
5. But speaking of the above ... The worst thing is when one of those people who makes you feel really good but is ultimately not really good for you is one of those people you have some kind of crazy universal connection with. That's the worst, because then even though you know you need to separate out and you're doing all the right things like the no-contact rule and dating a lot so that you don't think about him and stuff like that, the universe is looking for any excuse to put you together. Like last night, you know? I got a text message in the middle of the night, and I was all thinking "I really kind of wish, even though I know it's not what I want, but if I'm being honest I wish that that were him" and then 45 minutes later he called. When that happens, it's really hard to look at your caller ID and be like "I cannot answer that no matter how much I may want to." It's never good to be at odds with what the universe wants. I'm not saying, I'm just saying. It makes it harder to do already very hard things.
1. Would you believe that ... I am ending the week with my to do list entirely done, except for the item that I need to call Shadalan because she and I seem to play endless phone tag. Endless. I don't know how this happened, because please believe that having a job and running a second business and starting another business and getting ready for a weekend in Denver and then a wedding and then three weeks on the Asian subcontinent is extensive, especially when you were on a mountain with no phone or internet for the previous week. I'm pretty happy.
2. Would you believe that ... this is the actual image from an ad running on Facebook:
And the text that accompanies this ad is "This is pretty gross, huh?". And it's for weight loss. Now, I don't necessarily think that being on the non-anorexic side of things is gross, though I do think that being a size ten and dressing like you're a size four is gross. You wouldn't see me trying to squeeze into a size zero because that size would be too small for my body and I would look fat and messy. But, you know, I can't decide if I find the ad offensive or not, honestly? I mean, I do not think that we need to be dogging on the overweight folks who, in actuality aren't overweight. However, I think we also go too far with the "love your body no matter what" mentality, and the truth is that most people are going to look at some nasty, white trash muffin top and think that it's gross. I might actually applaud the ad for it's honesty. I don't know. What I do know is that that may be one of the most brilliant ads ever because you can't not look at it. It's totally shocking, and I bet it shocks some people into purchasing, which is unfortunate because ...
The other thing I know is that putting a pink patch on your arm with some herbal supplements in it will not cause you to gain weight.
3. Would you believe that ... I'm going to Mongolia in about two weeks? I remember being in high school and dreaming that some day I'd see the world, and now we're riding horses across the desert in Mongolia for two weeks. Crazy, right? I am excited beyond belief. I need an extra camera battery. I need to find a cat sitter. I need to book a flight back from Pennsylvania for after. I need ... to relax about it and let it run its course.
4. Would you believe that ... that there is a bar in San Francisco called "Would You Believe." It's in Chinatown 3 and specializes in mixing Kaluha with ANYTHING. It is the Asian gangster dive bar of all Asian gangster dive bars. The night that shamus and Slappy and I were in there there were actually police trying to track down a gang leader, and only one person other than us who was white. And it is one of my most favorite places on the entire earth.
5. Would you believe that ... the rest of that Kid Rock album is actually pretty good? "How to seek salvation when our nations race relations have me feeling guilty about being white?" That's a pretty good lyric. "Rock and Roll Jesus" is a good song for what it's supposed to be doing. Yeah, I'm going to say it. I liked the album, just hated the single.
Getting Rugged. Friday, I'm leaving Las Vegas for the weekend to go summit King's Point in Utah with my lovely, lovely Hoosier boys. There's still four inches of snow on that mountain, so this summit involves snow shoeing and crampons and sleeping in the cold. I'm stoked. There will be pictures.
Play Date! Next Friday, Shim Shim, Ang and LinLa are coming to town for a play date (among other things). It's been too long since there was Asian posse night loose in Vegas. There will be pictures.
Meet the Tater Tot! The Saturday AM after play date, I'm heading to Denver to meet the Tater Tot. I have bought her the cutest things ever for a baby girl. I'm so excited to see her tiny little face. There will be pictures.
Princess D's Birthday! And then conveniently Princess D and Big E are having their birthday parties in Denver that same Saturday, so we can go from wholesome to ... not. There will be pictures.
And then it's one quiet weekend, followed by Pretty Kim's wedding in the pimp suite at the Palms and then, the next day, Mongolia. Followed by a full summer week in Pennsylvania.
And on top of all that I'm starting a business and interviewing for a job that I may actually want even though I said I was going to take some time off. I'm busy. And really, really happy.
Well, I didn't. I have to write for some other reasons this weekend, so hopefully there will be personal reflection time then, too. In the meantime:
1. Party with Pookie: You can find out where and how here. Just show up. Sort of.
2. June Feels So Far Away: So very, very far away. It took me about .4 seconds to develop serious senoritis.
3. I cried on the plane yesterday: When I read the final chapter of Schulz and Peanuts. It embarrassed the guy next to me.
4. Here's my second favorite text of the last two weeks:
Hott Scott You know that getting an honorable mention on your blog and having my texts excerpted really just makes me want to go into a dark room and lock the door with nothing but my phone and your number, right?
DO IT BUDDY!
5. The saddest thing ever... is when you tell people that they need to fix their poor attitude if they want to secure their job and they don't even realize when other people are perceiving them to have a poor attitude. I have to think about how to fix that.
And By The Way...Happiness is a Monday Five with a Good Close
1. Getting Old: So, this weekend, I was meeting up with some lovely Bachelorettes that Party Planning Girlz had booked a party for, and I see them walk into the casino with their bags. And included with their bags is a full case of bottled water. And I sighed wistfully and said, "I remember when my girls and I used to party so hard that we had to come packing a full case of bottled water with us."
Ladies, get the acts together and schedule a trip. We can't be trumped by some 22 year olds from Orange County. Yet. We're not that settled in ... yet.
2. Something More Wholesome? I read the chapter of the Charles Schulz biography today that's entirely devoted to the making of A Charlie Brown Christmas. I cried like a baby. Just like I do every time I watch that special ... which is not limited to Christmas time.
3. Of Limo Drivers and Drama: First, this weekend, one of my favorite limo drivers in the world got fired for ... and wait for it because this IS Vegas ... a VIP host put some people in his limo and instead of quoting them a price to go into a strip club, he just said "Just take care of the driver," which is a million kinds of illegal here. In your town, do people lose their jobs over mis-quoting entrance fees to strip clubs?
And then I watched a hooker and a pimp try to steal a limo on Friday night. Actually, they pretty much did steal the limo, but I hear that they were tracked down later. The limo driver opened the doors and turned on the cd and then took ten steps away from the limo to greet his party. And as soon as he did, this pimp and his hooker jumped into the limo and took off. Okay, she didn't so much jump as she kind of tipped over in her hooker shoes and fell in, but you get the point. And everybody just kind of stood there and stared. I felt grateful to be a part of it. And then I shook my head and said, "I really should get out of Vegas."
4. Teaser: Slap sent me this horrifying article about mothers who take their daughters to the spa, and I don't mean for a mani and pedi after they're teenagers. Though, for the record, in my hometown if you were a teenager who wanted a mani and pedi, you were going to "Hair We Are" and you were coming out with some acrylics that had airbrushed shooting stars on them. But anyway, there was this fantastic line in the article about how mothers were making their daughters too pretty, too early and "how, without the ugly years, would girls learn to accept themselves?" I have so many thoughts on that. And soon, I will have time to write about them, because...
5. I Quit My Job Today: It's true, though I'm not really leaving until the end of June, which is about when you should expect the email from me that reads "Hey! I'm going to Mongolia to ride horses across the desert for two weeks, but then I'm really going to be looking for as many freelance gigs as I can find. Know anybody?" Until then, don't stress. Just know that I, for the first time in over a year, woke up without a big stress zit on my chin today because I finally came to a firm decision. BUT IT'S NOT LIKE IT WOULD HURT YOU TO START THINKING ABOUT PEOPLE WHO WOULD HAVE FREELANCE WORK FOR ME AFTER I FINISH MY SOUL SEARCHING ON THE ASIAN SUBCONTINENT.
You love me BECAUSE I do ass-backwards crazy shit like this. Remember that if I start asking for donations in November. No, I'm sure it will be fine. I have offers already, I just don't know if I can make the timing work or not.
As a side note, did you know that "hookers" was a blog tag that I had apparently used before?
Firstly, let me just say that I frankly rocked that baby shower. And I have stories and wanted to do a shower Monday five, but I can't find my camera cord so that will be tomorrow. In the mean time, five people making me crazy.
1. Dear Person I Have Not Spoken To Since December Because It Was Made Very Clear to Me That It Was Not Okay to Have a Friendship With You and Even Though That Doesn't Seem to Matter to You, It Matters to Me,
Fuckit. Seriously. What is wrong with you? I wish that things weren't the way they are too, because I adore you, but I also made it really clear that I'm not comfortable with, like, "let's be friends but just not friends in places people may see." Stop IMing me updates on what you did today. It just frustrates me. I wouldn't just ignore shit that you said to me about where your boundaries are, so don't do it to me. Jesus.
love, jocelyn
2. Dear Person Who Said Something Stupid This Morning,
It's not you, it's me. Really. In this case, it's entirely me. And I get that sometimes people say things in a way that isn't what they really are. And I'm probably being ridiculous about it and you're probably going to point out to me all the reasons why it should be obvious that what you said isn't what you meant. But seriously, I am what I am. And what I am is not very trusting. And that's unfortunate because you really haven't done anything that should warrant my distrust but, you know, there it is anyway. Sorry.
love, jocelyn
3. Dear person whose car alarm went off for two solid hours last night,
I will straight beat you if I find out who you are.
love, jocelyn
4. Dear Gods of Spam,
724 spam messages in my inbox over the weekend? CAN YOU REALLY NOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS? It took me half an hour of billable time to clean that shit out today. I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.
love, jocelyn
5. Dear Favorite Cousin,
It's not me, it's you. If you're constantly searching for the "why not" in things, then you're going to find it. And I'm not going to patronize you when you call and act like that's all good and you're right that everything is hopeless. And anyway, even if I tried to do that you'd know that I was lying and it would make it worse. Accept what you cannot change, or CHANGE WHAT YOU CANNOT ACCEPT. MY GOD.
love, jocelyn
Oddly, though, I'm in an incredibly good mood despite this list of people making me absolutely insane since last night. Shower updates tomorrow. Ashleigh update later today.
I am on what Red Delicious likes to refer to as negative time right now, which, you know, means that I'm really, really busy. Though, in fairness, I do get to work while watching the tournament games in the office, so that's good. However, instead of taking the time to write anything, I'm just transcribing other funny people's funny stuff that they said to me. Enjoy.
Joe It's surprisingly good. Fine print says it's a Syrah and Cab blend. You should check it out.
Me Is it cheap enough to support my alcoholic tendencies?
Joe It's cheap enough to support mine.
2. More Robin Thicke
Ferris Things Robin Thicke will do with you: 1. Roll with you. 2. Hold with you. 3. Stay warm and get out of the cold with you.
3. More Melissa Etheridge
Hott Scott I was behind you while you were running at the gym today and I just kept thinking "Damn, I really hate Melissa Etheridge."
Me Cause I think "Come to My Window" was on my playlist twice.
Hott Scott So stalkerish. Like reverse stalkology. I mean, I sneak up to look in some girl's window and she's already there. Waiting. "Now who's the stalker?" she'll say in her head as she sings "Come to My Window" It's a game of chess, and I won't have it. I prefer good, old-fashioned voyeurism. Oh, I'll come to your window the second you fall asleep. They all fall asleep sometime.
I bet the witch in Hansel and Gretel was singing that all slow and evil with an Appalachian kind of accent while she watched the children approach the house.
Me Dear God. I wonder what goes on in your head when you're NOT texting me.
Hott Scott It's my crooked little house.
4. Twitch
Boom What are you doing home?
Me i came home to put on my easter clothes and bake the single most delicious thing in the world to take for dessert.
if you were here, i could bake and you could lick my bowl! whew! inappropriate innuendo humor for easter!
Boom are you going to dress up like a bunny ?
Me i totally have a slutty bunny outfit left over from some gay easter gala years and years ago. it has a little cotton tail and everything. i'm sure jesus thought it was an appropriate tribute when i wore it through the castro
Boom does your nose twitch?
Me if it's my nose that's twitching, you're in the wrong spot.
It addition to just the concept....brilliant...it's on LIFETIME, it's hosted by Ian Ziering and judged by Chris Judd AND somebody named Vitamin C. I feel like we're probably missing out.
1. Because you're right that if I had wanted to make it work it would have worked, and I probably should have realized that I wasn't going to go there before you had to realize it for me.
2. Because you're right that if I had wanted to make time for you I would have, and I probably should have realized that I wasn't going to do that before you had to realize it for me.
3. Because I probably am the busiest person you have ever known, but that doesn't mean that I needed to write you off.
4. Because I could tell that we were starting to be on different pages but I didn't do anything about it because I knew if I did we'd end up exactly where we ended up, and I wasn't ready to have you tell me that I didn't care enough. Because I actually care a lot.
5. Because I literally pre-sabotaged, which is something I didn't even realize that I did until Kari pointed it out. Because I'm like David Koresh, which Scottie once pointed out. And I didn't warn you to look out for these things.
6. Because I hurt your feelings, and I could easily have never done that if I'd worked harder.
7. Because you were never as important to me as everything else in my life is right now, and there were moments where I let you think that you were.
But you were far from perfect, too. And you were awfully late to really hit the "go" button with me when I had made it clear that I wasn't waiting for you. And there were lots of times where you didn't offer up a lot either. In fact, there were lots of times when you offered up a lot less than I did. But I guess it doesn't matter because I'm pretty sure you were just waiting for me to give you a reason to be sure this wasn't worth it. And I did. But I'm still a jackass for taking us there.
Me I'm going to die alone.
ToniK Give me a break. You get so much action that you'll die of a heart attack long before you die alone.
It made me laugh, but it didn't make me feel better about you telling me to get bent.
It's Been So Long: A Midweek Five That Is Really Lists Within Lists
1. Idol FanGrrrrl: I just wanted to let you know that I have selected the recipient of this year's Idol Crush posting. I'm just working out in my head how to do it since it's full of possibilities. Now, I know that nothing can ever compare to the Bo Bice fan posting of 2005. And truth be told my last two crush selections bowed out of the competition pretty early (and I think that this one may, too). No, it's not Archuletta, because I'm not insane. Praise poetry is being written right now for this year's recipient. Awesome.
2. A List of Times You Should Not Call Me: I used to LOVE March Madness. Like, you know, for all of my life. But that was before I went to work in sports gambling world. Now I have bags under my eyes literally every day in March. Bags.Under.My.Eyes. I have no idea even why I'm still working here other than inertia. But regardless, right now my work day starts at six and ends at six and there's still some work before I go to bed. And I love everybody, too, but I don't love when you complain that I don't answer my phone. So here's a list of times it's not kosher to call, and it's most of the time until the end of March: Monday: All day. All night. Seriously. Tuesday: Before Noon, Between 4pm and 6pm, after 10pm Wednesday: Any time after 4pm Thursday: Before Noon, Between 4pm and 6pm, after 10pm Friday: All day. All night. Seriously.
Seriously. Do the math. That schedule shows you how much free time I've got during the week right now. And I have people in town EVERY WEEKEND THIS MONTH except for the last weekend during which I'll be in Denver. Which is awesome, don't get me wrong. But there's no sleep in my future. No sleep. That is all.
3. A List of Things Making Me Happy Right Now: But there are a lot of things making me happy right now!
a. Mimosa Shower and Bath Gel from Philosophy: Candy Woo bought me this for Christmas, and nothing is making me feel better at 5am when I'm suddenly getting ready for work instead of chilling with the cats than then scent of a prohibited morning mimosa. Yummy.
b. Red Bean Mochi: Is delicious and the perfect dessert for the dieter (that's me, because the current size of my ass is not something that's making me happy).
d. Grey Goose Pear and Cran: Has been my drink of choice for a while now. But I've been drinking more lately because I've been so stressed out. So that makes me happy.
e. Schulz & Peanuts: There are a whole bunch of people whom I think would enjoy reading this. Kind of the way I'm enjoying reading it. For an hour a day while soaking in a bathtub. TMI? Perhaps.
f. The Cave of Ordeals: This is a section in "Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess" where you have to battle through 50 floors of enemies. I've never beaten it yet. But I keep trying, every night before I go to bed.
g. The New Treadmills at the Gym: Are awesome. You can run a hill that's designed so that you meet the same resistance points as if you were running up part of Kilimanjaro. You can charge your iPhone while you're running. For that matter, you can plug your iPhone into the treadmill and see the iPhone display on screen.
h. Spring: Is here. I've had my windows open all week. It's been nice.
i. My Wish Box from K-Rock: Kari made and painted a wish box for me for my birthday. I'm having so much fun determining what to wish for.
4. A List of Thoughts About Sex and the City: Okay, so this week I finished watching the last episode of Sex and the City, which means I've now watched - straight through - all 94 episodes (because I wanted to be fully prepared for the movie). I have thoughts. If I weren't so busy and tired, these thoughts would probably be their own entry. But instead they are a list. A list within a list.
a. God, that show was good ... And I don't care what you all say about women not really being like that and nobody living that well in New York and that show making men disposable. Maybe that's not your life. But there's a lot of similarity to my life and to the life of a lot of women I know. And there's not a single episode of that show that I don't enjoy. Seriously. There's not a single episode that I watched while doing something else in the background because they're all that good. It may be my second favorite thing that was ever put on television (Northern Exposure is, of course, first).
b. But the problem was ... that I always hated Carrie. She's the least likable of the girls. She's so self-absorbed, so unrealistic, so selfish. So, just, I wouldn't want to hang out with her. Neurotic. I'm always relieved when I take those Sex and the City quizzes and I'm most like any of the girls but her. Sometimes it's hard to watch that show because you're just not cheering for her when it comes right down to it. And then, like I said, I was never, ever able to forgive her for letting go of Aiden. Only a very selfish woman does that.
c. But she redeems herself with ... her speech in the final episode, in the final 10 minutes, when she leaves Paris and The Russian and she gives him a speech about how she's somebody who's searching for love, for ridiculous love, for consuming love. And suddenly, you forgive her for all the times you wanted to hit her in the head with her Manolos because you realize she really does understand herself and who she is. Even if I don't like her, I then have to respect her for that kind of self awareness.
d. And in the end, I most felt connected to ... Miranda. Don't get me wrong. Charlotte is sweet and I love Samantha, but Miranda is really the one who changes the most and becomes the most complete person.
e. And speaking of the final episode ... Yeah, sure, there's the argument that maybe it maybe cleans things up too neatly, but that doesn't mean that I don't love it. I love the moment where Carrie gives her speech, I love the moment where Smith comes back and tells Samantha that he loves her. I love that episode of television.
f. My most favorite episode ... You know, I hate to say it. I do, and there are a ton of episodes that I really, really, really love, but my favorite episode has to be the one where Berger breaks up with Carrie on a post-it note. The entire episode is about them figuring out their relationship, and then he just quits, and the last scene is her throwing the flower vase he gave her across the room. And it's just perfectly real and perfectly done. It's my favorite: though I'm also quite fond of the episode where Charlotte and Trey break up and he comes back for the photo shoot, and the episode where Carrie and Aidan break up even though I can barely watch it without having a breakdown, and the episode where Carrie goes out with the twenty-something, the fireman episode, the Vince Vaughn episode and, particularly, the episode where Carrie and Aidan first move in together.
g. And the movie ... Well, I think it will be emotional. What I know for sure is that Miranda and Steve are dealing with infidelity and something has happened to Carrie (the movie takes place three years after the tv series left off) that fundamentally changes her. So much could possibly account for that.
5. A List of the Best Text Messages That I Received This Week From Ferris: Three Things Robin Thicke is fascinated with: his birthday, sexing up the girl, his birthday.
From Hott Scott: On Beauty and the Geek one of the beauties didn't know if dinosaurs breathed fire or not. Awesome.
6. A List of the Best Conversations I Had Last Week: The topic was "relationships", as it usually is right after my birthday. Enjoy.
With Chicago Style:
Me But you know, the thing is that I've pretty much figured out that I'm not the marrying type AT ALL. But who wants to be alone? So I'm trying to figure out a middle ground solution.
Him Well, I'll be waiting for my middle ground invitation.
Me Yeah, but you know what the problem with middle grounds is? Somebody always eventually wants to move off of the middle.
Him You've been doing this too long.
With shamus?
Me Blah, blah, blah, blah, internet sex, blah, blah, blah, blah, social disease, blah blah blah blah, appeals to my sense of distance, blah blah blah blah.
shamus? But isn't that what's so perfect about sex on the internet? When you're done, there's the "off" switch that everybody's been looking for all along.
With RJ
Me You know, I think that what I'm determining is that long distance relationships are pretty much perfect for me. I get all the emotional intimacy without having my space invaded, and they fit perfectly into my time schedule. Which is to say that they require very little actual time, or none at all outside of texts and emails and the occassional phone call which can be done while doing other things.
RJ It's true. I think that sounds just about perfect for you. You may have finally figured it out.
With Hott Scott
Hott Scott So now, every time I hear a Melissa Etheridge song, I think of you. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Me Isn't that what every girl wants?
With Big D
Me I mean, I've really looked at it in the last six months, and I'm really starting to get okay with the idea that it just may not happen for me.
Big D Yeah. Me too. I mean, I'm almost forty. I'm starting to think I'll never fall in love.
Me But I'm okay with that. I mean, I know that I'd rather be alone than be in my sixties going through a divorce. Who wants that? I want to look back at sixty and say that it was all worth it. I'm kind of starting to think that the only way I can do that is if I do it on my own. I don't want to end up like they ended up.
Big D I know what you mean. I'll see you in a week and we'll drink until we can't stand up. Then we'll believe again.
With Miss Erin and Miss Kat
Me Well, the thing is, it may not happen for me -- the whole marriage and babies thing -- but it may not happen because of decisions that I personally made about what was important to me and how I wanted to live. But I'm standing here right now on the brink of realizing it may just not happen, and if you asked me if I'd change any of it, I wouldn't. I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on seeing and experiencing the things that I did.
Miss Erin I feel exactly the same way.
Miss Kat I just feel like, as women in this day and age, we really set ourselves up more times than not to not end up married with babies because we don't need to end up married with babies. And I'm not sure if that's better or worse, but I wouldn't have wanted any life other than the one I had.
Okay, that last one sounded like we were on The View, but it was actually in my car on the way back from Lake Las Vegas.
1. The DNC chapter in Florida: Are you morons? Listen, it's one thing for Republican delegates to get their seats stripped because if we know one thing for sure, it's that no matter how close the race is, the Republican party will have their shit together to unite behind a single candidate once there is a single candidate to unite behind. It's an entirely different thing to create unnecessary dissension in the Democratic party. This is party that, four years ago, had TYPOS in the letter they sent to the people who DONATED THE MAXIMUM AMOUNT to their candidate. This is not a party that has their shit together. Your having your primary BEFORE authorized primaries? Unnecessary dissension. It was going to suck either way. If they'd let you keep your delegates, then Camp Obama would have a completely legitimate gripe should Hillary win. If they take your delegates away then it's possible, just possible, that the winner of the primary won't actually be the person who won the primary. And, for the record, I think the DNC did the right thing by telling you that your delegates can't be seated. You can't just let people break the rules for no reason. How fucking hard would it have been for you to have had your primary a week later during authorized primary time? Way to create even more strife in a party not known for its unified front even in the best of circumstances.
2. The DNC of Michigan: See above. But I should not be surprised. That's a state that managed to resist change so strongly that it took one the most powerful state economies and turned it into a mockery.
3. Janet Jackson: For the song Feedback. Why must you take my memories of you and destroy them with a song about your Asian persuasion?
4. Stop and Go Pizza: For leaving the most annoying paper flier under my windshield, almost causing me to wreck in last night's rain storm.
5. Kelly Pickler: Just because.
6. The Girl at the Front Desk at the Gym: For staring at me like I was inconveniencing her when I asked for my towel.
7. Jack Frost: For creating actual freezing temperatures in Vegas this week.
8. Whipper: For not thinking that I was funny today when, clearly, I was funny.
9. Tom Brady: For that foul self-righteous smile in every press interview. Ew. Just gross. But you're going to win XLII, no doubt.
10. The Makers of Xanax: Because it's not doing shit for me this month.
But, for the record, here are three people I would like to engage in a deep lip lock.
1. K-Yo: For purchasing all of season 2 of Supernatural for me. I watched every episode this weekend, and it was glorious.
2. Halff: For purchasing all 94 episodes of Sex and the City for me. Last night I watched the episode where Carrie is having a breakdown about habitually hooking up with twenty-somethings. It was like a spiritual experience.
3. James Ferris: For mocking Google text and its need to POP.
1. That I am currently too tired to write about LA, but I have airport time today, so that will probably happen then. It was amazing in ways that only those involved can understand. I swear I'll write about it before I get trapped in holiday rush.
2. That even if I haven't watched a single episode of the season, I will cry like a baby during the season finale of The Biggest Loser and that you cannot deny that Jillian Michaels is a bad ass.
3. That I make some bad ass peanut brittle.
4. That I love acronyms and have added FAX to SMOS, and that as evidenced below, random comments from strangers who may or may not have helped develop FAX can cause me to go into existential spiral for an entire strain of blog comments. AWESOME.
5. That I am so not my organized self during the holidays that it's almost midnight the night before I'm leaving for home and I'm not packed and convinced that I'm getting up at 7 to do that. Bets, please?
6. That sometimes your ex-husband still knows you better than anybody, as evidenced by the fact that I got a musical Christmas card today that plays the Linus speech about the meaning of Christmas when you open it.
7. That this quote from season four of Northern Exposure, said by One Who Waits during Ed's quest to find his father, is good:
"Some think that time is a wheel that just keeps on turning, in which case your moment will surely come around again. And some think that time is a river, in which case your moment may have already floated by."
I think that time is a river.
8. That I am not okay when Janet Jackson sings a song with the words "Asian Persuasion."
I promise, LA stories and then the annual holiday wish list all this week!
2. Confession #2: I am massively addicted to watching Run's House. If an episode comes on in the background, I shut down for hours.
3. Confession #3: I also watched the Oprah made for tv movie "One More Day" tonight - IN THE BACKGROUND.
4. Confession #4: I turned the Steelers game off in the third quarter, unable to watch any more.
5. Confession #5: I had a moment today when my place was torn apart with holiday wrapping and stressing where I felt very un-holiday-like.
6. Confession #6: It's 11:30pm on a Sunday and I'm drinking -- alone. (It's wine, folks, it's not the same. OKAY - it's really a martini. Same thing.)
7. Confession #7: I played a goddamn drinking game on Friday night. No, seriously, with plastic keg cups and all. No class.
8. Confession #8: I went to the MALL today. Embarrassing.
9. Confession #9: I am currently reading goth trash. Shut up.
10. Confession #10: I cried during The Amazing Race tonight. (I then followed that up with "God. STUPID. Of course your relationship is in the trash. Have you never watched The Amazing Race" before? EVERYBODY breaks up after that show."
Good night, Gracie (that's the martini talking).
10b. "Coming Clean" is the title of a Hillary Duff song. I own that song.
FYI - I am too old to go to midnight movies on a school night. I am tired today. I am on cat nap number four and it's only noon. But you're going to ask me what I thought of The Golden Compass, aren't you? I mean, you know, I think it was as well as they could adapt that book to a movie. It was nice to see a lot of the fantasy characters and the armored bears come to life. But you know, when you love a book like I love that book, the movie is NEVER GOOD ENOUGH. But I do think it's worth seeing. It's short - only two hours. Nicole Kidman looks STUNNING in every shot and it better get an Oscar nod for costuming. It was worth feeling like ass today.
1. I Fall Somewhere Between....So Pookie sent me this link. I fall somewhere between "Lover Boy" and "Hunk Next Door." Yes, that's clearly a recipe for disaster. Apparently, I want a man who looks cool while washing his car in the driveway but also really, really, really needs me. In actuality, I want neither of those things.
2. Broken Social Scene - I've been listening to them a lot lately. I think that they are neither the "Lover Boy" or the "Hunk Next Door." That is all.
3. Holiday Check In - By the end of the weekend, unless you work for Pregame.com (in which case I am holding your stuff until right before your holiday party) or live in Pennsylvania, you will be DONE! Letters went out the day before yesterday. Everybody in San Francisco is finished. Everybody in LA is finished (more or less). By the end of the weekend, if I need to mail your package, you are finished. I feel, you know, pretty good. And tired. And a little broke!
4. Birthday Madrid Trip: Dear Lis,
How DO you do it? I am already stressed out about trying to keep everybody happy on this trip. Love, Jos
5. Remember When Pookie Had No Computer? How long ago that seems. Now, my day is a series of IM's from him that include links like the one above and endless YouTube videos. But I don't care, because he sent me this YouTube classic, which took a HORRIBLE day (yesterday) and turned it around for me:
There's so much good in this video: - The Clap Track that EVERYBODY does, even those seemingly random females - The look on Rick James' face after he obviously just snorted coke - The shirtless guitarist behind Eddie Murphy - The way Eddie Murphy consistently looks away from the camera because HE IS TAKING HIS MUSIC SERIOUSLY
And, the best part, as pointed out by Pook, is how Rick James rushes out and grabs a bass guitar during the last ten seconds of the song -- as though it is suddenly needed.
1. Things That Happen Without My Brain Realizing It: This is something that actually happened this week. I stopped at 7-11 on the way home from the gym the other day to get some bottled water. I was on the phone at the time. On the phone, to the other person, I'm actually saying "I don't get it. I'm not running like training running, but I'm running hard and I'm running consistently, and I still feel like I'm putting on my annual holiday fat." And then I look down and realize that even as I'm talking, I'm taking Reese Cups out of the package and eating them before I even took them to the cash register. True story. When I get back from Texas on Monday it's going to be five straight days of running to matter what anybody says or does. For real.
2. Speaking of Texas: It's where I'm headed tomorrow through Sunday for Paul and Kari's wedding. Here is what I will say without saying much, and also making it clear that I am in no way talking about the bride and groom. You know what's amazing? It's amazing how when a large group of people are all friends and stay friends for a very long time, which is true of this particular group of college friends, things change yet they stay the same. By which I mean that drama changes targets. For example, there is a girl who is invited to the wedding whom I cannot stand. And there was some drama about to brunch or not to brunch, and I was IMing with another friend from the group who at one point really liked her. And he was all like, "Oh YEAH - that thing she did to person x at the Kolodny wedding? I refuse to be around her after that." And it was funny because it's the same story that did her in in my book, too. But at any given point in the decade long history of this group of friends, that attitude could have been about a dozen other people. Ah, the nature of life.
3. Holiday Check In! Do you love the holiday theme? You do, you know it. I feel like I'm in good shape with the holidays. I mean, sure, it's almost 11pm on the night before I leave for a trip and I'm not packed and need to give myself a manicure, but I feel like I'm in good shape. I almost don't know what to do with the extra time. Oh, wait. I'll do a Nature of Sand entry because there's one that's been dying to get out. I love this time of year.
4. Have You Seen This Kathy Griffen Special? It's so effing funny. There's this whole bit about how apparently all child molesters, if you watch To Catch a Predator, must LOVE iced tea. It's really, really funny. I love her so much.
5. But Where Is Your Blog? I know. Not so much with the updating. But it's busy time. I'll be better next week.
6. You can amuse yourself with a Friday playlist though. Here's what I'm listening to this week.
a. Mariah Carey: All I want for Christmas. Which is also my ring tone right now, though my ring tone if the remixed version with Little Bow Wow rapping about the holiday.
b. Sara Bareillis: Gravity: The whole album is good. It's not as good as the Alicia Keys album, but it's great. That "Love Song" song is great, too, but this is my favorite. "Set me free. Leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity."
c. Alicia Keys: The Thing About Love: And this, in my opinion, is the best track off of the new Alicia Keys album. Okay, maybe not musically, but lyrically, it's lovely Kind of Beatles reminiscent in some of the chords, actually.
d. Ingred Michaelson: The Way I Am: Let Go is actually my favorite song from her, but that albums been quite soothing this week.
e. Finger Eleven: Paralyzer: Don't laugh. "This club will probably be closed in three weeks. That would be cool by me." I love those dudes.
Argh. Argh. Argh. I'm tired. I stayed in bed all day today. I am still processing Thanksgiving, and I mean that mentally AND physically. I will write about it a bit later, when I am less tired. Tonight, I am tired.
1. A promised drunk call: I didn't get drunk at all until Saturday, my dear, and then we pretty much all immediately passed out. You'll get a drunk call this season, patience, grasshopper.
2. Applesauce! Paul & Dex have completed the first promosode for Applesauce, in which the heroes, Unity & Identity, save the universe from certain evil by quoting William Butler Yeats. Yes, it is that good. You know, you can keep tab on when future promosodes of Applesauce have been released (and I can tell you that I got a preview of episode two, and in it we find out that there is no God), by putting the Applesauce blog in your rss feed. There you go. Enjoy the promosode.
3. Speaking of Youtube: Perhaps you want to see the famous Eat'N Park holiday star commercial in full size instead of the small version in the upper left of my blog. Here you go.
4. Speaking of Things That Make You Feel Warm: How good was Brothers & Sisters tonight? That show is the best thing on TV.
5. I should rest tonight, but: It's the Dancing with the Stars finale AND the Steelers on Monday Night Football. So, no rest. That instead.
1. Not Good for Headspace: Here is a list of people who should not read Into the Wild.
a. Parents of children, period. a.2 Parents of children with restless spirits (ie: my mom)
b. People with restless spirits. b.2 People with restless spirits who just got back from Africa and want nothing more than to go off grid for a while. (ie: me)
Yeah, there's a Nature of Sand entry in the works. That is all.
2. In Case You Missed It: In case you are the ONE person in the world who missed it when I posted this on the MySpace page of everybody in the world, I give you the most priceless screenshot ever. It's the face of Marie Osmond, America's sibling sweetheart, as she crawls through the spandex clad, straddled legs of her dance partner on Dancing with the Stars. Enjoy.
Also, yes, I'm heartbroken that Jennie won't be in the finals.
3. Speaking of Sibling Sweethearts: Mine hosts an annual holiday party. And I bought this to wear to it this year.
4. Speaking of Elves and Princesses: Princess D was in town the other day and she had Big E with her (whom I totally adore and support as a boyfriend). And we had lovely Russian food at Red Square and talked about all of the things in life that happen to people when they're, you know, living. And I love them. And here is what they said should make the blog afterwards:
Big E You think that guy over there is hot, don't you?
Me Sure do.
Big E He's so rico suave though. He's probably an asshole.
Me You know, Big E, the thing about SMOS is that you don't so much have to worry about their personalities.
Listen, that's the exchange that THEY picked for the blog update. I had nothing to do with it.
5. How manic is manic? It's, well, manic. Between 12am and 4am on Monday, I reorganized my closet so that, like a mullet, it is business in the front and party in the back. On the left side, all of my work and casual clothes, organized by tops and bottoms and then by color family. On the right side, all of my party clothes, organized the same way. Shoes and purses and scarves and hats organized the same way. That's right. Some might say that if you're a manic insomniac, you should get a lot of productive stuff done. I, in fact, organize cabinets. Fun times.
The Jocelyn List: What to Buy Your Woman for the Holiday
Or really for any other holiday. This is the third year in a row that I've done this list. The other lists are good, too. You can find them here and here. Also, you can shop for things for me here or here. Early? Yes. But I'd like to point out that my holiday cards are all ready to drop in the mailbox on 12/1 and 35% of my Christmas gift list is done. I'll be able to enjoy December in ways that aren't possible if you don't shop ahead. That is all . And here is this year's list. And it is great. And you should shop for your woman early.
1. Sexy, Sexy, Sexy Little Undies I fell in love with the Honeydew Lingerie this year, particularly their boy shorts, of which there are two fantastic varieties that any woman should love. The "safer" bet is the mesh boy short. They come with hearts, skulls and crossbones and just cute little pink and black pairs. I own six pairs. And they're affordable. Just $12 a pair. Peruse.
The second awesome boy short from Honeydew is the mesh and lace rumba short. I own the exact pair pictured here. They are so cute. They're not the kind of thing you should buy her three or four pairs of, but they're a cute addition for fun if you're buying them to go along with something else. Peruse.
2. New Delightful Facial Product I found a new, delightful series of organic facial products this year. It's a local brand from the wonderful, wonderful city of Denver. MyChell, non-toxic skin care. And every single product I've tried is delightful. They smell wonderful but not overbearing and they feel good on your skin. Oh, and they work! Some specific ones I love:
Blueberry Antioxidant Mask: I have it on right now while I'm writing this. No joke. Every girl should be doing an antioxidant treatment, and this one feels lush and yummy on your skin.
Pumpkin Renew Cream: Pumpkin is often an overlooked ingredient in skin care, though all the high end manufacturers have a pumpkin product. This one affordable AND pumpkin is a nice seasonal scent.
Luscious Pina Colada Lip Plumping Treatment: It's tasty. I use it like a normal lip balm during the work day and get the benefits of the plumping treatment at the same time.
3. Mandle (and other delicious scents) Xtine and KALM and Shadalan and I were shopping in Long Beach one day and I fell totally in love this this cigar scented candle, which Xtine dubbed the "mandle" because of the nature of its scent. It's SO GOOD. I have a huge one burning in my living room at all times. Okay, that's not true. The scent on this candle is really lush and you can only burn it for about two hours before you want to take a break from it. But it's so, so, so good. Good enough that I spent $30 on the 90-hour version.
I'd also, by the way, recommend the Walnut Wood & Espresso version for burning in your kitchen.
4. The Female Album of the Year: As I Am from Alicia Keys Alicia Keys did you a favor when she released this album in time for you to give it as a holiday gift, yo. It's seriously one of those albums that every woman should have. She lyrically captures a lot of what women are going through in 2007, but most importantly, she speaks about the need to live every moment and feel every feeling, and you know how important I feel about that philosophy. There a song called "The Thing About Love" that I think is the best one. Here's a snippet:
Friends Sometimes will blind you Sneak up behind you You cant give enough
Then life It will embrace you Totally amaze you So you don't give up
5. Philosophy Candy Cane Product To be fair, what I wear during the holidays is a fruit cake scent from bath junkies, but getting that is high maintenance. So if you'd like to pick a lovely diddy for the lady in your life to use pre, post or during bathtime, and you want it to be festive, I do recommend (and personally enjoy) the Philosophy Candy Cane line. It's fun.
6. Tazo Berry Blossom White Tea I know, I know. I am usually one to recommend overpriced froofy teas. But this is a nice, affordable tea that's actually delicious on the tongue. You and I both know that the woman in your life will need a way to relax after a stressful holiday season. Buy her some tea. She'll appreciate it.
7. Godiva Chocolate Liquor Which we start the work day with every day where I work, and I usually end the night with it, too. If you have a woman on your list for whom you'd like to buy some yummy liquor this season, just thing about how much women enjoy chocolate. Yes, exactly. The Godiva chocolate liquor is yummy with coffee, in hot chocolate or on its own. It's the perfect holiday liquor.
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