Dear Reeses Peanut Butter Bunnies: Let Me Tell You How It Is
Dear Reeses Peanut Butter Bunnies:
Here's how it is.
I am your bitch. You own me. With your creamy faux peanut butter flavor and your extra sugar and your cute bunny shape. Damn you. I can't say no to you. You're like a hot Italian guy in a Vegas club with a bottle of Grey Goose after I've already had a few cocktails. I fall in submission. My will is gone. Just don't ask me to define us as "in a relationship."
(I'm working up to the bank system, HWP. That's a big one.)
Dear NFL,
Wow. You know what you should do? You should hire nannies for your players as part of their compensation. I LOVE the NFL, and even I am getting sick of this nonsense. When even Brett Favre acted like a child, you really have to examine what you're letting your players get away with.
May I remind you that when the NBA became a league of criminals and thugs, people stopped caring. There was financial evidence of it. Then you made them wear suits, which was the lamest patch job I've ever seen. It took a long time for a good kid from Cleveland to start to repair the damage, but then Kevin Garnett spoke after winning the championship and we all became convinced that they were all crazy again. Here's the video. We were just laughing at it in the office the other day. We love how he keeps bumping into Suzy Kolber.
Anything is possible! Shout out to everybody! Top of the world!
Anyway, here is a list of things I'm sick of hearing about:
Jay Cutler - whiny, baby, and somebody should tell him that he's just an employee. And the fact that this was even allowed to be a media show and somebody from the league didn't get him and his "people" shut up is embarrassing.
Michael Vick - ARE WE EVEN SERIOUSLY TALKING ABOUT WHAT TEAM MIGHT TAKE MICHAEL VICK AFTER HE GETS OUT OF PRISON? I know, it's standard operating procedure in your league to take the criminals back into the fold. Maybe it's time to stop this. Maybe the reason kids don't fear acting like criminals is that they see you constantly forgiving them. Maybe there are a lot of quarterbacks out there and you don't need this one just to sell novelty tickets.
T.O. - Okay, that's a lie. You can run all of the stories you want about T.O. not showing up for conditioning training and creating drama. Wanna know why? Because he's not committing crimes and with him you're getting exactly what you know you'll get. And because I'm partial.
Donte Whitner, Leon Hall, etc.: - I just, I don't understand why you don't seem to care how many of your players are getting arrested for DUIs, violence, riots. There are SO MANY people who would play in the NFL. Cut them loose after they show you they can't act like reasonable adults (by which I mean everybody gets one screw up, sort of) and get new talent.
Ray Lewis: I just threw this in here because it infuriates me so greatly that he's become a hero of the NFL.
Plax: He's a moron. Why are we still discussing this? Topic closed.
Possible Labor Stoppage: This makes my blood boil. I don't want to hear one more headline about the union having an issue with salary capping. Make the cap higher if it makes financial sense, but salary capping is what's made your league financially viable because it's made it interesting. See MLB as an example of how people stop caring when competing becomes about the luck of the draft. Whiny.
It's like the NFL headlines page of ESPN reads more like the NY Post gossip section these days. So let me tell you how this needs to go:
1. You reign your players in. Where I work, if I were to say, get arrested, there are some pretty clearly documented procedures and punishments. There's no reason you can't have those. And if they're applied to everybody, every time, we can't be complaining that there's preferential treatment, or some teams are softer than others.
2. Manage your players' PR people: I'm not allowed to go out in the world and say whatever I want about my bosses in public forums WHILE NEGOTIATIONS ARE STILL GOING ON NOLESS. Your people shouldn't be able to either. It's not unreasonable that part of people's contractual obligations involve shutting the hell up about internal operations. My god.
3. Get rid of Dan Snyder: Just because. What a tool.
4. Don't put known criminals in United Way ads: I mean, seriously. I saw one with Ray Lewis last season. Are you kidding me?
5. Stop acting like you have no social responsibility: Because you do. Successful organizations care about the character of their employees as much as their talent. See "banking industry" as an example of what happens when you stop caring about character. You don't want to end up like that, do you?
I'm fixing shit for everybody this week. It's what I do.
I'm confused. I'm confused by this sudden marketing ploy to get people to buy cars by guaranteeing to cover the payment for up to six months if the purchaser loses his or her job.
I understand your logic. I understand it because I watched the CNN segment where whomever the new GM CEO is explained the logic:
- Getting out of bankruptcy requires that you sell cars - Selling cars requires that people want to *buy* cars - People don't want to buy cars right now because it's a recession and they may lose their jobs soon - Therefore, in order to entice people to buy cars, we'll take away the fear that they'll lose their car if they lose their job by ensuring that the payment is covered - Hence, people will buy cars and we'll climb out of bankruptcy!!!!!!
Now, I am no economics professional, but I do have to account for a substantial amount of profit and loss and even potential loss (which we call risk assessment, and is a sales and marketing analysis you seem to have not ever put in place) on a daily basis. So I understand a thing or two about the idea of giving away money to get money. But again, perhaps I'm just confused here. But here's what it looks like to me:
- Your company (and others like it) spent years running a glutted operation. This, we know, is only partially your fault because you were being butt raped by the also out of control auto workers union (and hey, this is being said by somebody who's decidedly pro union).
- The federal government had to bail you out because between you and the union were running your business like it existed in a communist economy, not a capitalist one. We enabled you to continue this thinking with continued bail outs that both the government and the general populace let go pretty much un-noticed, so we suck. There were several bailouts, but the most recent one was clearly the most offensive one
- You have taken that money and decided that the solution to your financial woes is to just "convince people to buy more cars" and you're going to do that by basically giving back x percentage of the money the US government gave you to people who lose their jobs and can't afford their car payment, lessening their fear of having to reduce their own spend because we're in a recession.
Does this make any sense at all? To anybody?
Here's what you actually need to do:
- Default on many of your union contracts. Sure, they will take you to court, but at last check, blood could not be squeezed from a turnip and the national sentiment towards unions, particularly the auto union, is decidedly "anti." You'll come out way ahead as compared to just continuing to pay out $3000 per automobile sold into union pension plans.
- Downsize your operations even more. Sure, I know you've already laid a lot of people off and closed factories, and that the trickle down from that in terms of suppliers, restaurants, etc. is painful for the economy. But for the time being, you just don't need to make as many cars as you used to. You're a long way away from being able to simultaneously have a car that people really want to buy AND being in an economic climate where people can afford to buy them.
- Don't partner up with the devil, just this once. A marketing strategy that encourages people to buy cars when in fact we all KNOW that people in risk of getting laid off in even the most minute way should NOT buy cars is evil.
I'm not sure this needs to be this complicated. I think the discussion in your executive sales and marketing meeting should sound more like "How do we conserve resources, downsize and put ourselves in a position to be competitive five to ten years from now?" rather than "How can we get poor people to buy expensive cars right now???"
I'm just saying. And I am a marketer in a somewhat evil industry, but I still manage to do that with my morals in tact most days. You can, too. Promise.
I can't deny it, your new summer smash "All Summer Long" has me hooked. I listen to it at the gym. I listen to it in the car. I listen to it at work (though in truth it is on the same mix as the new New Kids on the Block single "Summertime," in which they profess, "Girl, can I get your number? I think about you in the ... summer.") And as I listen to "All Summer Long," I can't help but recognize what a true genius you. Perhaps not even in your musicality, but in your ability to recognize how to monetize the American public. After all, you were the one who introduced midgets into your entourage and made being a redneck gangster a legitimate occupation that thousands of misguided teenagers could aspire to.
I just wonder what the thought process (in your pot-induced but well coiffed head) was as you created the masterpiece of summer party jams.
"Hmmmm - it's been a while since I had a monster hit. You know, the kind that dominates the charts and gets me laid. I mean, not that I'm not getting laid. Just, you know, I'm getting laid by the b-groupies, not the a-groupies. You need to have a hit to get the a-groupies. On the other hand, I like them a little dirty, so the b-groupies aren't such a bad thing. But whatever, I need a hit. Something like 'Cowboy, baby.' Something big...
"Well, the biggest summer hit of all time, ever, was 'Sweet Home, Alabama.' How about I sample that? Hell, why don't I not only sample the song, but actually reference it in the lyrics? Shit, how about I sample the song, reference it in the lyrics, and then actually sing part of the chorus in my own song? That would be awesome.
"That's not enough though. I mean, it's not enough for the kind of HIT I'm talking about.
"What's that guy's name who died this year? No, not that one. The one everybody loved who sang that song where they howl. You know, the werewolf song? Yeah, 'Werewolf of London.' That guy. Warren Zebon or something. Everybody was sad when he died. Everybody loved that song. Let's sample some of that too. That would be awesome. It's like this shit writes itself.
"But you know what? That's not enough. I mean, it's not enough for the kind of HIT I'm talking about.
"Oh! I can't believe that I didn't think of this sooner! I'll just reference pot smoking in the song! There's never been a song about smoking pot that wasn't HUGE! That will put this over the edge. It will be THE summer jam of 2008!
"This shit really writes itself."
Thank you, Kid. Your name is Kid, and you gave us "Summer Jam, 2008." Not even Donnie, Joey Mac, Jordan Knight and those other two guys can stop you.
Three notes to British Airways, an airline that I NEVER fly and now I am reminded why.
a. Dear BA,
Here is a hint. If EVERYBODY on the plane is is walking up and down the aisles WITH MULTIPLE BLANKETS WRAPPED AROUND THEM, your plane is too cold. Please, turn down the air conditioning. You suck. That's why I fly KLM.
yours, jocelyn
b. Dear BA,
Can't get your in-flight entertainment system to work on a NINE HOUR FLIGHT? I should be getting something for free for having to entertain myself for that long. Like a meal voucher because I'm hungry. See note below.
yours, jocelyn
c. Dear BA,
Okay, really, enough. This is a NINE HOUR FLIGHT. You go find me a person who in NINE HOURS only needs to eat one meal consisting mostly of fruit and one "light snack" (consisting mostly of fruit) and I will show you an anorexic American girl. Oh, wait. Technically speaking I am an anorexic American girl AND I EVEN EAT MORE THAN THAT IN A NINE HOUR PERIOD. I get it, I do. The dollar is totally shitty, no American with an ounce of travel sense is visiting the UK and you figure if you starve me out I'll HAVE to drop massive American dollars just to have a sub-par meal in the airport. And you know what? You were right! I just spent $50USD for a single plate of raw seafood. Wanna know what screws you though? I then only spent $60USD in Harrod's Duty Free, and part of the reason that number was so low was because I was thinking about how I'd just spent $50USD on some mediocre food. Had you fed me on the plane, I would have not eaten in the airport, not been thinking about money, and spent about $300USD in Harrod's once I got "shopper face" on. On that same nine hour flight, KLM fed me two meals and a snack. AND their in-flight entertainment system worked AND I didn't need two blankets just to stop shivering. You suck.
Thank you so much for creating "Age of Love." Now I can simply make my goal in life to never have to say "I went on a reality show where desperate women tried to 'find a man' through a competition between twenty-year-olds and forty-year-olds and I represented the bitter, jaded and heartbroken forty-year-olds." You've simplified my life so much. Before that, I thought my needs and wants were complicated, but now I realize it's just that simple. But seriously, even though I haven't watched your crappy bachelor show since the Trista and Ryan season, between this painful exploration of stereotypes based on female age and Mark Philippoussis (YUM), you've got me back.
love, jocelyn
Dear Shimmy,
What Greg said.
love, jocelyn
Dear Men of Match.com,
It's advisable that if you want me to look at your profile, you don't make your username "Welome2MyNitemare." I'm not coming along for that. I'm betting Dr. Phil didn't advise you to do that, either.
love, jocelyn
Dear ILovePaulJack Readers,
Okay, listen, we all actually loved the personal ad and the "Everybody Loses in Vegas" idea. I did too, honestly, and I was ready to go with that. But I think we're going to have to go with "I hate your crappy logo tee" because it means that Shank and I will have a game to play together. How could I possibly NOT do "I hate your crappy logo tee" after I got this email:
"hear me roar.
I am going to have to go for the t-shirt angle. I see this as the most furtile ground for self expression.
I am also selfishly planning on using your site for my own creativity as i promise that i will submit t-shirt designs photoshopped onto your frame as a show of suport.
Please pardon the sentence structure of that last sentence...I have just realized that it is 11:30 am and I am a bit tipsy from starting the day off with a can of Sparks.
When Dr. Vegas and whatever that other show was failed, I can see why you and yours felt that the best option was to return to your bread and butter and play a politician with a dilemma over his high moral standards on Brothers and Sisters. This time, though, with Calista Flockhart at her finest to banter with you. And honestly? I think Calista is better than Richard Schiff, but that's just me. Whatever. You're still impossibly hot.
xo, jocelyn
Dear Las Vegas Athletic Club,
Sure, I agree that we needed a speed bump at the 215 and Eastern club, but did we really need one that's so big that I have to come to a dead stop just to roll over it? Really.
xo, jocelyn
Dear Overly Assertive Boy from Tao,
It's not that you weren't cute. It's that I was tired and drunk. And my shoes, while hot as hell, were killing me. I'm not saying, I'm just saying. And what I'm saying is that some nights we all strike out.
xo, jocelyn
Dear Irish Tim,
We get it. It's "Mc," not "Mac." It just made me think you were all the more adorable, so there.
xo, jocelyn
Dear shimmy,
I regret that my camera batteries were dead during your finest moment to date when we returned to the room after your dinner. Miss you already.
xo, jocelyn
Dear Bartender at Centrifuge,
That was a weak-ass drink. I can't believe you charged me $9 for it.
xo, jocelyn
Dear Hott Scott,
Thank you. Next time we toast, we will now use our new phrase which I will not repeat here for fear of hurting somebody's feelings.
xo, jocelyn
Dear Cingular,
You suck.
xo, jocelyn
Dear Insomnia,
Are we really going to roll like this? It's 4:30am. I might as well just get up and go to work. Bitch.
xo, jocelyn
Dear Pookie,
People would like to know what night we are celebrating your birthday.
Madonna Tribute - Cast of Glee
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