Dear Kid Rock...

Dear Kid Rock,

I can't deny it, your new summer smash "All Summer Long" has me hooked. I listen to it at the gym. I listen to it in the car. I listen to it at work (though in truth it is on the same mix as the new New Kids on the Block single "Summertime," in which they profess, "Girl, can I get your number? I think about you in the ... summer.") And as I listen to "All Summer Long," I can't help but recognize what a true genius you. Perhaps not even in your musicality, but in your ability to recognize how to monetize the American public. After all, you were the one who introduced midgets into your entourage and made being a redneck gangster a legitimate occupation that thousands of misguided teenagers could aspire to.

I just wonder what the thought process (in your pot-induced but well coiffed head) was as you created the masterpiece of summer party jams.

"Hmmmm - it's been a while since I had a monster hit. You know, the kind that dominates the charts and gets me laid. I mean, not that I'm not getting laid. Just, you know, I'm getting laid by the b-groupies, not the a-groupies. You need to have a hit to get the a-groupies. On the other hand, I like them a little dirty, so the b-groupies aren't such a bad thing. But whatever, I need a hit. Something like 'Cowboy, baby.' Something big...

"Well, the biggest summer hit of all time, ever, was 'Sweet Home, Alabama.' How about I sample that? Hell, why don't I not only sample the song, but actually reference it in the lyrics? Shit, how about I sample the song, reference it in the lyrics, and then actually sing part of the chorus in my own song? That would be awesome.

"That's not enough though. I mean, it's not enough for the kind of HIT I'm talking about.

"What's that guy's name who died this year? No, not that one. The one everybody loved who sang that song where they howl. You know, the werewolf song? Yeah, 'Werewolf of London.' That guy. Warren Zebon or something. Everybody was sad when he died. Everybody loved that song. Let's sample some of that too. That would be awesome. It's like this shit writes itself.

"But you know what? That's not enough. I mean, it's not enough for the kind of HIT I'm talking about.

"Oh! I can't believe that I didn't think of this sooner! I'll just reference pot smoking in the song! There's never been a song about smoking pot that wasn't HUGE! That will put this over the edge. It will be THE summer jam of 2008!

"This shit really writes itself."

Thank you, Kid. Your name is Kid, and you gave us "Summer Jam, 2008." Not even Donnie, Joey Mac, Jordan Knight and those other two guys can stop you.

Love,
jos

 

Three notes to British Airways, an airline that I NEVER fly and now I am reminded why.

a. Dear BA,

Here is a hint. If EVERYBODY on the plane is is walking up and down the aisles WITH MULTIPLE BLANKETS WRAPPED AROUND THEM, your plane is too cold. Please, turn down the air conditioning. You suck. That's why I fly KLM.

yours,
jocelyn

b. Dear BA,

Can't get your in-flight entertainment system to work on a NINE HOUR FLIGHT? I should be getting something for free for having to entertain myself for that long. Like a meal voucher because I'm hungry. See note below.

yours,
jocelyn

c. Dear BA,

Okay, really, enough. This is a NINE HOUR FLIGHT. You go find me a person who in NINE HOURS only needs to eat one meal consisting mostly of fruit and one "light snack" (consisting mostly of fruit) and I will show you an anorexic American girl. Oh, wait. Technically speaking I am an anorexic American girl AND I EVEN EAT MORE THAN THAT IN A NINE HOUR PERIOD. I get it, I do. The dollar is totally shitty, no American with an ounce of travel sense is visiting the UK and you figure if you starve me out I'll HAVE to drop massive American dollars just to have a sub-par meal in the airport. And you know what? You were right! I just spent $50USD for a single plate of raw seafood. Wanna know what screws you though? I then only spent $60USD in Harrod's Duty Free, and part of the reason that number was so low was because I was thinking about how I'd just spent $50USD on some mediocre food. Had you fed me on the plane, I would have not eaten in the airport, not been thinking about money, and spent about $300USD in Harrod's once I got "shopper face" on. On that same nine hour flight, KLM fed me two meals and a snack. AND their in-flight entertainment system worked AND I didn't need two blankets just to stop shivering. You suck.

yours,
jocelyn

 

Dear Monday: Four Open Letters

Dear NBC,

Thank you so much for creating "Age of Love." Now I can simply make my goal in life to never have to say "I went on a reality show where desperate women tried to 'find a man' through a competition between twenty-year-olds and forty-year-olds and I represented the bitter, jaded and heartbroken forty-year-olds." You've simplified my life so much. Before that, I thought my needs and wants were complicated, but now I realize it's just that simple. But seriously, even though I haven't watched your crappy bachelor show since the Trista and Ryan season, between this painful exploration of stereotypes based on female age and Mark Philippoussis (YUM), you've got me back.

love,
jocelyn

Dear Shimmy,

What Greg said.

love,
jocelyn

Dear Men of Match.com,

It's advisable that if you want me to look at your profile, you don't make your username "Welome2MyNitemare." I'm not coming along for that. I'm betting Dr. Phil didn't advise you to do that, either.

love,
jocelyn

Dear ILovePaulJack Readers,

Okay, listen, we all actually loved the personal ad and the "Everybody Loses in Vegas" idea. I did too, honestly, and I was ready to go with that. But I think we're going to have to go with "I hate your crappy logo tee" because it means that Shank and I will have a game to play together. How could I possibly NOT do "I hate your crappy logo tee" after I got this email:

"hear me roar.

I am going to have to go for the t-shirt angle. I see this as the most furtile ground for self expression.

I am also selfishly planning on using your site for my own creativity as i promise that i will submit t-shirt designs photoshopped onto your frame as a show of suport.

Please pardon the sentence structure of that last sentence...I have just realized that it is 11:30 am and I am a bit tipsy from starting the day off with a can of Sparks.


whoosh."

So, we'll start working on that, yo.

love,
jocelyn

 

10 Open Letters on Monday

Dear Rob Lowe,

When Dr. Vegas and whatever that other show was failed, I can see why you and yours felt that the best option was to return to your bread and butter and play a politician with a dilemma over his high moral standards on Brothers and Sisters. This time, though, with Calista Flockhart at her finest to banter with you. And honestly? I think Calista is better than Richard Schiff, but that's just me. Whatever. You're still impossibly hot.

xo,
jocelyn

Dear Las Vegas Athletic Club,

Sure, I agree that we needed a speed bump at the 215 and Eastern club, but did we really need one that's so big that I have to come to a dead stop just to roll over it? Really.

xo,
jocelyn

Dear Overly Assertive Boy from Tao,

It's not that you weren't cute. It's that I was tired and drunk. And my shoes, while hot as hell, were killing me. I'm not saying, I'm just saying. And what I'm saying is that some nights we all strike out.

xo,
jocelyn

Dear Irish Tim,

We get it. It's "Mc," not "Mac." It just made me think you were all the more adorable, so there.

xo,
jocelyn

Dear shimmy,

I regret that my camera batteries were dead during your finest moment to date when we returned to the room after your dinner. Miss you already.

xo,
jocelyn

Dear Bartender at Centrifuge,

That was a weak-ass drink. I can't believe you charged me $9 for it.

xo,
jocelyn

Dear Hott Scott,

Thank you. Next time we toast, we will now use our new phrase which I will not repeat here for fear of hurting somebody's feelings.

xo,
jocelyn

Dear Cingular,

You suck.

xo,
jocelyn

Dear Insomnia,

Are we really going to roll like this? It's 4:30am. I might as well just get up and go to work. Bitch.

xo,
jocelyn

Dear Pookie,

People would like to know what night we are celebrating your birthday.

xo,
jocelyn