Bitches, I'm ORDAINED

Sometimes, my friends do things, and I'm all like, "Um, have you MET me?"

An example, you say? Shortly after her wonderful vacation to the eastern shores of the U.S., in which she got delightfully engaged, Princess D called to ask me to be in her wedding.

As I saw where the phone call was heading, I immediately begin to cycle the following questions in my head "Whatever will the dress look like?" Which is when the shocker came, and rather than ask me to bridesmaid (which I would have been delighted to do, lots of photos with Princess D and K-Yo), Princess D asks me to officiate her wedding.

"You mean, like, officiate?" I said.

"Yes," she said. "You really have two options. You can get a temporary license in California, which requires some planning and you'd have to get here a couple of days earlier. Or you can go and get ordained somewhere."

And so, ladies and gentlemen, from here on in, please refer to me as Reverend Jocelyn Saurini.



I'm here, to meet your spiritual needs on a daily basis. Ceremonies can be arranged. I'm not joking. This is legal in all 50 states. Getting married? Christening a baby? I'm here! General spiritual guidance? I may ask you, "Have you MET me?", but I'm legally qualified to give it to you.

I'm sure Princess D is wondering what words of wisdom I'll be poetically preaching in September. I was leaning towards some Rumi, obviously. But then there was another passage I read by a South American author that I though I would build around. But then HWP (formerly Mrs. DCWP, but I decided she needed her own space) sent me the loveliest book, which may change that.

Prayer service commences this Sunday about an hour before the Ravens and Steelers kick off.

 

Definition: "Amazing Time"

I really want to write about the Tater Tot and Dee's birthday, but I'm just brain dead after day three of five of straight on training my replacement. You can see Tater pictures here though, and pictures from Dee's birthday here.

I feel good. I'm clearly in what one would call "amazing time."

Amazing time is when you have a fantastic night out with your Asian Party Posse, then a fantastic weekend in beautiful summertime Denver with K-Yo, the Tater and Princess Dee and her fruity shot birthday. Then you come home, and you have a week that is so busy (cause you know I'm basically working three jobs right now) that your eyes bulge out, but you know that on Friday you will have dinner with two of your favorite people and that the weekend will be relaxing. And that on Monday you will start an entirely new chapter.

And in that new chapter, the prologue involves you sitting by the pool for four days, and then going to a 4th of July bbq followed by a wedding in the Pimp Suite at The Palms. Then you start the first chapter, which takes place in Mongolia with two of your most favorite boys. And then from there ... I haven't figured out the plot. Or even the character list.

I always have my cards read for my birthday. This year, my psychic said, "You know what your song is for this year? It's that Natasha Beddingfield song, 'The Rest is Still Unwritten.'" And that's what it is. After that prologue and that first chapter, I have no idea. And it may be stressful. And it may be in Canada. And it may not. And I may be poor for a while. Or I may not. But I know it will be different than what it was, and that's the most important thing. That's the "amazing time."

I'm excited. I mean, really excited.

 

A List of 10 People I'd Like to Punch in the Head

1. The DNC chapter in Florida: Are you morons? Listen, it's one thing for Republican delegates to get their seats stripped because if we know one thing for sure, it's that no matter how close the race is, the Republican party will have their shit together to unite behind a single candidate once there is a single candidate to unite behind. It's an entirely different thing to create unnecessary dissension in the Democratic party. This is party that, four years ago, had TYPOS in the letter they sent to the people who DONATED THE MAXIMUM AMOUNT to their candidate. This is not a party that has their shit together. Your having your primary BEFORE authorized primaries? Unnecessary dissension. It was going to suck either way. If they'd let you keep your delegates, then Camp Obama would have a completely legitimate gripe should Hillary win. If they take your delegates away then it's possible, just possible, that the winner of the primary won't actually be the person who won the primary. And, for the record, I think the DNC did the right thing by telling you that your delegates can't be seated. You can't just let people break the rules for no reason. How fucking hard would it have been for you to have had your primary a week later during authorized primary time? Way to create even more strife in a party not known for its unified front even in the best of circumstances.

2. The DNC of Michigan: See above. But I should not be surprised. That's a state that managed to resist change so strongly that it took one the most powerful state economies and turned it into a mockery.

3. Janet Jackson: For the song Feedback. Why must you take my memories of you and destroy them with a song about your Asian persuasion?

4. Stop and Go Pizza: For leaving the most annoying paper flier under my windshield, almost causing me to wreck in last night's rain storm.

5. Kelly Pickler: Just because.

6. The Girl at the Front Desk at the Gym: For staring at me like I was inconveniencing her when I asked for my towel.

7. Jack Frost: For creating actual freezing temperatures in Vegas this week.

8. Whipper: For not thinking that I was funny today when, clearly, I was funny.

9. Tom Brady: For that foul self-righteous smile in every press interview. Ew. Just gross. But you're going to win XLII, no doubt.

10. The Makers of Xanax: Because it's not doing shit for me this month.

But, for the record, here are three people I would like to engage in a deep lip lock.

1. K-Yo: For purchasing all of season 2 of Supernatural for me. I watched every episode this weekend, and it was glorious.

2. Halff: For purchasing all 94 episodes of Sex and the City for me. Last night I watched the episode where Carrie is having a breakdown about habitually hooking up with twenty-somethings. It was like a spiritual experience.

3. James Ferris: For mocking Google text and its need to POP.

 

SMOS vs. SMOA

Oh, people, let me promise you that this one is a winner if you follow me to the end.





Firstly, it was girls' Saturday in Denver this weekend, by which I mean Princess Night. Here are the rules of Princess Night:

- The first rule of Princess Night is do not speak of Princess Night unless it is on your blog

- The second rule of Princess Night is that all of the following are required: sparkling tiaras, fairy wands, margaritas, chips and salsa, tarot cards, dancing to Britney Spears on the patio, singing along to Howie Day like you're all fourteen again and singing along to the radio at your sleepover.

- Not required but good to have in the day leading up to Princess Night are The Man Band, Casino Royale, Kiran, ramen, goyoza, new bath product, coffee, pastry and napping.

- The third rule of Princess Night is feel fearless about telling each other the truth about love, life, spirituality, dating men with children (which two of us are doing), dieting, drinking, baby making sex, non-baby making sex, feeling lost, feeling fearful, feeling empowered, feeling like you're on a good path, feeling insecure, feeling drunk. Mostly though you need to be fearless about talking about your own failings in those areas.

- The fourth rule of Princess Night is wear something with an elastic waistband. My bad.

It was a good Princess Night. And over ramen and Kiran and then over margaritas and chicken enchiladas, SMOS vs. SMOA was established.

Me
I'm completely dedicated to this six months of single concept.

K-Yo
SMOS, you mean?

Me
Oh, an acronym! Perfect. Every project is more successful with an acronym.

K-Yo
Hey, but, you know, what about you and that cute boy with the sexy glasses?

Me
Oh, but, I mean, we're not exclusive.

K-Yo
But you would say you're dating, right?

Me
Yes, but not exclusively. Dating other people as well. So it's still SMOS.

K-Yo
No, it's SMOA.

Me
?

K-Yo
Six Months of Available. That's different. If you're dating somebody regularly, you're not getting all of the same growth you'd get with SMOS because you still have the security of knowing that somebody wants you.

Me
Oh. I think you're right.

K-Yo
SMOS would mean you never dated anybody for longer than a month during that time period.

Me
Oh.
Really?

K-Yo
Yes.

(long pause while I think it through)

Me
What if at the end of the month, after the expiration date on dating the person had hit, it just became about sex? What if we weren't dating anymore, but we were still having sex?

K-Yo
Could you really do that without getting emotionally attached?

Me (gives look of "Have you met me?")
Yes. Surely. You just have to have rules that limit things like time and nature of conversation before and afterward. A good set of rules can totally avoid the emotional connection. Yeah. Sure.

K-Yo
You need to have an actual set of rules drawn up then. I'm not sure I trust you to stick to them if you started to get really into somebody.

Me
Sure. I think next week I'll ask DCWP to do that for me. He's good at that sort of thing.

K-Yo
I think SMOS is important for you. I don't think you'll get what you're looking for out of SMOA.

Me
So much about this conversation is fucked up, but mostly just that we're having it.

And so that was girls' weekend. I love those girls. Ladies, ladies of ILovePaulJack, BEGIN TO SAVE YOUR PENNIES NOW (unless you are about to purchase a home in which case you will read that sentence and then ask me if I know that I'm an asshole for forgetting that every penny you have is going to your new home for your children - LOVE YOU CANDY). Dee, K-Yo and I are planning a girls' trip to Madrid next February. We picked February because it's off season and cheaper to travel, but it's also my birthday month so, you know, awesome. We picked Madrid for three reasons: sangria, it's language friendlier for most of us, men. MEN. And SMOS doesn't really end until February, so that works out. I'll send an email, but you know you want to come (please come).

You can commit to coming and then bail due to pregnancy or incarceration. Sadly, those are BOTH concerns with this crew.