I leave manana for the YVR, and though it is a work trip, it always gets really dirty when we're up there. I'm exhausted before even having left. Here are ten quick things.
1. I have brought three Christmas gifts and all of my cards are addressed. Next week, we address envelopes for the CHRISTMAS LETTER THAT BETTER BE GETTING WRITTEN RIGHT NOW BECAUSE YOU TOTALLY COMMITTED TO BEFORE THANKSGIVING and five more gifts.
2. I almost had a heart attack when Jennie Garth was in the bottom two tonight.
3. I have a long entry about Pittsburgh and home. I may or may not have time to write it on the plane.
4. I am still stressed! It's still out of control here!
5. I'm not sure why it's this effing hard to get organized about what hotel people are staying at for that wedding in Austin. I'm really at a loss. No joke. I'm having conversations with five different people, all of whom are staying at different locations.
6. I haven't been on Facebook or MySpace for more than 15 minutes in over two days. I sent out about two tweets yesterday. That is how underwater I am.
7. I do not want what I have not got. Except that I would like four more hours in a day and Supernatural: Season 2.
8. Maks is my boyfriend. I have inappropriate thoughts about him all the time. Yum.
9. HellDamn, it's that time of year.
10. I'll catch you all on the flip from Vancouver. If I make it out of there alive. Remember how there was that story from the last time I was there about Halff actually thinking there may have been an earthquake? Here's hoping I match that. And also, let's be real, you know how I feel about Canadian Boys.
Or maybe you don't know that story. Believe it or not, some stories are even too inappropriate for here.
An Africa Interlude: A Friday 10 In Which I Surely Cannot be Pregnant
What's sad about the intrusion of a Friday Five here is that the next Africa entry is one of my absolute favorites, and it's very entertaining and it would have been a fun way for people to kind of wrap up the weekend with a funny story about how lazy I can be and how Lisa basically won. But I feel like there have been no real updates on ME lately (ha). And it's been a strange week. I've had lots of change thrown in my face. Upheaval, really. Some hard decision making. So, some of this is short, but it's really a Friday 10 to maybe not catch us up, but cover some things.
1. Meandering: In the face of some change, and some young'ins, I updated The Nature of Sand. Which is to say that I pontificated in a circuitous manner and indulged myself by blogging it.
2. Just for Pookie: I rarely point to the thankful journal, but today's entry is special and just for Pookie, so I want to be sure he notices it. Here's today's thankful entry, baby brother.
3. Gay or Douche Bag? This is a new game that Larry invented for us to play on the Strip. I think the game is pretty self explanatory, but in case you don't get it, you basically grab your cocktail and sit in a casino (or a club, or the airport) and try to identify who's gay and who's just a douche bag. You have no idea how fun this is, or how hard it can be.
4. The Joel Robuchon Mansion: Was unreal. I want to say that the caviar course was my favorite, but the veal was amazing. Also the shellfish course was amazing. Oh, and the mushroom course was amazing. But oddly, there was a palette cleanser of a soy bean risotto that was actually our favorite. I just salivated.
5. Eddie Vedder: It was like 1992 all over again, except not since there were no music downloads in 1992. I rushed to my iTunes account the day the new Eddie Vedder was released, and it is good. I don't know that I'll be able to watch Into the Wild, because the book alone sent me into a fit of depression for a week, but the soundtrack is beautiful. I heart Eddie Vedder.
6. G-Mail Chat Poetics: I have once again translated mine, Paul and Dex's gmail status indicators into a poem for you. In this case, it worked out to pretty much be a haiku.
Nintendo's Bitch - Paul Nintendo Widower - Dex Nintendo's White Slave!
7. Where is my period? This is what we're all asking. I'm sure it's just stress related. I have a zit, a headache and a backache, so I'm sure it will be here any day. Given that it's a week plus late, I didn't drink tonight, just in case. And then you know how it is, the later it is the more you worry and the more you stress and the later and later it will be. And then you find yourself saying things like, "I mean, it would be nearly impossible," but then you do the math and "nearly impossible" is not "impossible." This is my brain right now with every minute that passes with a zit, a backache and a headache but no period. Hi, mom!
8. Later on...when my period comes and we're all like "See, it was just the travel and the stress of all the other unexpected changes when you got back," I'll tell you about all of the other crazy stuff that's been going on in my head as the days drag by and I get later and later.
9. See, now I've stressed myself out: This is the cycle. I know I probably have nothing to worry about, but as soon as I start thinking or talking or writing about it, all I can think about is how freakin' late I am.
10. Let's watch a video instead. This is probably only funny to you if you've ever worked in a corporate marketing department and dealt with corporate design issues. And usually there's only one corporate "design" issue. And it has to do with...logo size. If you've never worked in a corporate marketing department, this is not so funny. If you have, well, you'll laugh your ass off.
Friday Six: Tattoo Wisdom, Champagne, Social Injustice
1. Because I enjoy being financially tight but exceptionally well-traveled: "We're going to Madrid in February" somehow turned into "Some of us are going to Madrid in February" and "Some of us are going to Seville in April". So I'm just going to call it now - That means no more travel plans for '08, because that's Spain twice and then Mongolia in the fall and that's about all this girl can handle until she becomes a full on lady of leisure. Bitches better plan some parties.
2: Big Josh wants to drop some wisdom: And in case you were wondering, Big Josh is from Diversity Tattoo where I just got my new one done. He wants you to know that "People love to get hurt by the people they love - it makes them strong." I might say that it only makes you strong if you choose to let it make you strong. It's pretty easy to hide from it and let it make you weaker. And I think that you know who you are.
3. Actual quote from my mom to C-Woo: "I always say that Joel's going to save the world, and then Jocelyn is going to buy it from him."
That's fucked up, mom. It implies that after saving the world, Joel would embrace capitalism.
4. Notes from Partay World: So ToniK rolls into the office with five bottles of embarrassing pink champagne that each cost more than you probably pay in rent or mortgage per month. I mean, like each bottle INDIVIDUALLY costs more than you probably pay in rent or mortgage each month.
Me There are five bottles there.
Toni Yeah, they added two people, so I figured we'd need the fifth bottle.
Me They only approved four bottles though, you know.
Toni Right, well, I figure they won't have a problem with it, what with the extra people and the fact that they have more money than God. But you know, if for some reason they don't want the fifth bottle...
Me Then you and I are about to have an awesome evening in your backyard with your dog, a pizza and a bottle of champagne that costs more than you or I pay in rent or mortgage a month. Hot.
5. An important social question - discuss: One might think that the important social question would be "Is there something wrong with a world in which one can buy champagne that costs more than a person's rent or mortgage?" No, the important social question is:
Which of the following has contributed more to the stripping away of people's dignity? Is it:
a. The mere existence of YouTube. See the following as an example.
Or is it....
b. The industry that is Bollywood. See the following as an example.
Discuss. Let me know.
6. And a play list: I've been musically (and mentally, and emotionally, and physically) all over the map this week, so this play list is literally the six (since this is a Friday six) songs that went through on my iPod while I was writing this. "I'm crazy," is what this playlist says.
a. Oasis - Fucking in the Bushes: This is the song I start EVERY RUN I'VE EVER TAKEN with. It's the most motivational piece of music I know of. That may say something about me, I suppose.
b. Jack Johnson - Bubble Toes: I love me some Jack Johnson and everybody knows it.
c. Seasons of Love - Rent: What's funny is how there are two motivational songs on this list. One about fucking in some bushes, one about moving through life. Ha.
d. Jackson Brown - Sky Blue and Black: I think that the "I'm Alive" album is one of the greatest albums ever recorded. I really do. I'm not sure why more people don't think that. Cory convinced me to buy it one day back in Bloomington and I've never stopped listening to it.
e. Billy Joel - And So It Goes: I have no idea why my random shuffle is so mellow today, but it is. Kind of mopey, no? But again, I'm not sure we can argue that this is one the single most beautiful songs ever sung by a man to a woman (HINT).
f. Lyndard Skynard - Sweet Home Alabama: Back in the day, when the Avery and the Janet and the PJ and I used to go to the Toronado, like, EVERY Friday, there was this fun little game I would play where I would put this song on the jukebox, and then Johnny the bartender would yell at me not to play that crap in his bar and use his manual override to switch the jukebox to Black Flag or some crap like that. I think we can probably all see how that story eventually ended.
Postscript: An actual conversation.
"What are you doing this weekend, Jocelyn?"
"Going somewhat insane because Ferrisx2 is in town AND we're running a party that costs more than you make in a year."
"How about next weekend?"
"I'm going to LA to see some kind of fucked up band in some bad neighborhood on Friday night and go to the roller derby on Saturday."
"So I see that your new spiritual journey is going well."
Oh, people, let me promise you that this one is a winner if you follow me to the end.
Firstly, it was girls' Saturday in Denver this weekend, by which I mean Princess Night. Here are the rules of Princess Night:
- The first rule of Princess Night is do not speak of Princess Night unless it is on your blog
- The second rule of Princess Night is that all of the following are required: sparkling tiaras, fairy wands, margaritas, chips and salsa, tarot cards, dancing to Britney Spears on the patio, singing along to Howie Day like you're all fourteen again and singing along to the radio at your sleepover.
- Not required but good to have in the day leading up to Princess Night are The Man Band, Casino Royale, Kiran, ramen, goyoza, new bath product, coffee, pastry and napping.
- The third rule of Princess Night is feel fearless about telling each other the truth about love, life, spirituality, dating men with children (which two of us are doing), dieting, drinking, baby making sex, non-baby making sex, feeling lost, feeling fearful, feeling empowered, feeling like you're on a good path, feeling insecure, feeling drunk. Mostly though you need to be fearless about talking about your own failings in those areas.
- The fourth rule of Princess Night is wear something with an elastic waistband. My bad.
It was a good Princess Night. And over ramen and Kiran and then over margaritas and chicken enchiladas, SMOS vs. SMOA was established.
Me I'm completely dedicated to this six months of single concept.
K-Yo SMOS, you mean?
Me Oh, an acronym! Perfect. Every project is more successful with an acronym.
K-Yo Hey, but, you know, what about you and that cute boy with the sexy glasses?
Me Oh, but, I mean, we're not exclusive.
K-Yo But you would say you're dating, right?
Me Yes, but not exclusively. Dating other people as well. So it's still SMOS.
K-Yo No, it's SMOA.
Me ?
K-Yo Six Months of Available. That's different. If you're dating somebody regularly, you're not getting all of the same growth you'd get with SMOS because you still have the security of knowing that somebody wants you.
Me Oh. I think you're right.
K-Yo SMOS would mean you never dated anybody for longer than a month during that time period.
Me Oh. Really?
K-Yo Yes.
(long pause while I think it through)
Me What if at the end of the month, after the expiration date on dating the person had hit, it just became about sex? What if we weren't dating anymore, but we were still having sex?
K-Yo Could you really do that without getting emotionally attached?
Me (gives look of "Have you met me?") Yes. Surely. You just have to have rules that limit things like time and nature of conversation before and afterward. A good set of rules can totally avoid the emotional connection. Yeah. Sure.
K-Yo You need to have an actual set of rules drawn up then. I'm not sure I trust you to stick to them if you started to get really into somebody.
Me Sure. I think next week I'll ask DCWP to do that for me. He's good at that sort of thing.
K-Yo I think SMOS is important for you. I don't think you'll get what you're looking for out of SMOA.
Me So much about this conversation is fucked up, but mostly just that we're having it.
And so that was girls' weekend. I love those girls. Ladies, ladies of ILovePaulJack, BEGIN TO SAVE YOUR PENNIES NOW (unless you are about to purchase a home in which case you will read that sentence and then ask me if I know that I'm an asshole for forgetting that every penny you have is going to your new home for your children - LOVE YOU CANDY). Dee, K-Yo and I are planning a girls' trip to Madrid next February. We picked February because it's off season and cheaper to travel, but it's also my birthday month so, you know, awesome. We picked Madrid for three reasons: sangria, it's language friendlier for most of us, men. MEN. And SMOS doesn't really end until February, so that works out. I'll send an email, but you know you want to come (please come).
You can commit to coming and then bail due to pregnancy or incarceration. Sadly, those are BOTH concerns with this crew.
"So...What You're Saying is That You Would Really Prefer If I Didn't Date Other People?": The Friday Five
That's an actual question that I had to ask this week, and I'm pretty sure that my response of laughter after I said it was not what the other person wanted to hear. But listen, people make agreements about how things are going to operate. And there was an agreement made. And that is all. Except, you know, there went my night tonight. Four hours of conversation I'll never get back.
This Friday Five is actually a Friday 10 since there will be no Friday Five next week since I will be up on the top of a mountain (not just any mountain, the highest mountain in the continental United States) getting my bliss on with my favorite Hoosier boys. So we're killing it here, including ten songs on the playlist. Maybe you want to just read half this week and then read half next week when you're missing me? That's fine. Just make sure you read about the bitchwhore contest.
1. Speaking of that Camping Trip: So okay. The best friend of the incredibly cute and amazingly funny newspaper boy says that I'm making a horrible generalization when I say that you should never let men plan anything. But I'm going to say, "You should never let men plan anything." Let me give you some examples of things that happened during our CONFERENCE CALL about last minute logistics for this trip. And fyi, only MEN require a conference call to get shit together for things like this.
"I mean, we maybe don't so much have mountain permits, per say."
"Yeah, I mean, I know that I get in super late, but I guess I'll just run through Wal Mart when I get off the plane and get, I don't know, some granola or something."
"Are you sure it's going to only take us two days to summit this mountain? Because...well, this says three?"
And I responded to all three as follows:
"For fuck's sake, E and I will go up early and get the permits."
"SHUT UP. Just send me a list of what you want to eat and I'll buy it and pack it and bring it in the car with me."
"So, if it's three days, that means that the entire rest of the itinerary is off, right?"
Never.Let.Men.Plan.Anything.
2. Speaking of Men: Oh my GOD. Then, on Tuesday night, I get a call from Big R. "Hey, I have this friend who's a pilot whose flight got grounded and he's in town overnight. Can you go have a drink with him? You'll really like him."
To which I respond, "No ... no. It's already 10:30pm on a Wednesday. It'd be midnight by the time I got there. And anyway, I'm kind of in a situation where that wouldn't be cool, so...just...no."
Except that of course I get talked into it.
HOW ON EARTH DID YOU THINK I WAS GOING TO NOT HATE HIM?
Here is the first exchange that happens within minutes of sitting down.
Him It's important to me that you not get intimidated because I'm so smart. I mean, sure, I have to know all about math and meteorology and physics for my job, but that's just second nature to me. Don't be intimidated by how smart I am.
Me Oh, I'll really try not to be.
But he's a friend of a friend, so even though in real-life that would have immediately warranted an "I have to go now," I stuck it out. And then this gem rolls out while we're talking about hometowns.
Him You know what I love about Pittsburgh?
Me The food? The Steelers? The beautiful rivers?
Him (leaning in conspiratorially) It's a WHITE city.
My God, that happened. Again, because he's a friend of a friend, I make an attempt to parry with some comment about how Pittsburgh's racial diversity is underestimated, though of course what I really wanted to say was something else (like "I like brown"). And while I am tempted to pull out the "I have to go now," I stay. Until this.
I'm telling him the story about how I lost my passport and the hassle it is to replace a passport.
Me I don't know if you've ever lost a passport and had to replace it but...
Him I would NEVER lose a passport because that's an important travel document and I would know enough to keep track of where it was.
Me Sure, but what happened was that I had misplaced my license and had to use my passport for ID for a couple of weeks and ... (and I stop, realizing that I've said the wrong thing).
Him You know, if I were your boyfriend, I'd really have to slap you around now and then when you did stuff like that.
Me (wait for it) I have to go now.
WHAT ON EARTH WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU TALKED ME INTO HAVING A DRINK WITH HIM? AND DON'T TELL ME THAT HE'S NOT LIKE THAT WHEN HE'S NOT DRINKING. GOOD GOD.
3. bitchwhore!: Okay, so F-Bomb and I want to have a contest, and sometime this week many of you will actually get an email from me harassing you to participate in the contest, but I don't have time for that right now. So I'm throwing up here to start and maybe you can get your groove on before I pressure you into it. So there's this whole inside joke going on with this word that I use ALL THE TIME. The word obviously being "bitchwhore". And I was tasked by F-Bomb to bring the word to the masses, because it's awesome (though in fairness I don't think that I originated the word). So, you've obviously seen the big link over there to the bitchwhore store. Go spend the $10 and buy yourself a t-shirt. Then, take a picture of yourself in the t-shirt, preferably somewhere with either massive natural or architectural awesomeness because we're going for irony. Or at the care home the next time you visit grandma. Or get out the makeup and go glam or goth. Whatever. Then email me the picture. Once we get 10 or so of them in, we'll put up a flickr stream and a Myspace page. then in November we'll narrow the field to 5 or so awesome finalist (more if we can rally enough people to get a lot of pictures) and put up and online poll and we can all vote and the winner gets $100 iTunes gift certificate from us. Or if you're too technologically challenged to use an iTunes gift certificate, we'll give you a gift certificate to the Olive Garden or TGIFridays or Red Lobster or whatever. A few things.
- You are not limited to shirts, because I get that the shirts are girly because they were designed by a girl and an effeminate man. There's a coffee mug. You can take a picture with the coffee mug.
- That thong is on there because I personally wanted one. I WILL VIOLENTLY BEAT THE FIRST ONE OF YOU WHO HAS ME OPEN AN EMAIL PICTURE OF YOUR CROTCH WITH A BITCHWORE LOGO ON IT. Though shots of you with that thong on your head are fine.
- I'll immediately advance any man to the final who takes a picture in the spaghetti strap cami (Mikey - that means YOU).
- You can send as many pictures as you want.
- TELL YOUR FRIENDS TO PARTICIPATE. If we get enough people, we add prizes.
Finally, (I Love) Paul Jack and (I Also Love) Dex are required to participate el pronto because I made two limited edition shirts just for you all. One with the "PS: It's a trap" line on it and one with "Sugarpussy" on it.
Click here to get your gear and go take a picture. Don't be cheap. You can get a shirt for $10. Or you can spent $20 and have something that looks hot. Doesn't matter to me. If you order soon, you avoid the nagging email from me.
4. All the way at number four is: And we're all the way to number four before we even talk about how much effing ass I kicked this week. Did you see my boss on NBC? Or on CBS? Or on ESPN? Were you among the sudden throng of needy Las Vegas party whores who want help? Did you get a job offer that works so perfectly that it means that after this Super Bowl you could take an entire eight months off without working at all? I did! Plus there were like a zillion other things because I AM ON FIRE. Funny how that happens when you shed off dead weight.
5. So, The Subtle Knife: What is wrong with you people? What is wrong with ALL of you who were like "I could barely get through the second book in that trilogy?" The second book is like a thousand percent better than the first. The storyline moves faster, you get to finally see where things are going, there's the bond between the children and (SPOILER) the scene where Lee Scoresby dies is written so well. I plowed through all three hundred pages in, like, four super busy days. I don't get it. But I'm totally looking forward to the third one.
6. I cannot watch Age of Love anymore: He kicked Jayanna off, and that's not cool. The fun has stopped now that actual hearts are involved.
7. So, football: Starts next weekend. NEXT WEEKEND. Already this week I felt the heat. There's so much to do. So much to do. But I'm the kind of girl who, the more there is to do, the more I get done. My staff is like that too, so they've all stepped it up and things are in an awesome flow. But I mention this because you know what happens when football happens. Less writing here. I go dark on the emails for weeks at a time sometimes. Not so much fun on MySpace. Okay, probably still lots of fun on MySpace because that's often a distraction that's perfect when I need a minute of break. But still. I can't believe it. I feel like I was JUST writing an entry about having post-Super Bowl hangover a week ago, but it was months.
8. I'm about to shut down my computer and go watch some 90210: Just thought you should know. And also, once again, I'm one item short of ten to make this happen.
9. I had no idea: I was watching So You Think You Can Dance this evening while in "awkward conversation recovery mode" and the musical guest was somebody named Mika doing a "song" called "Love Today." I had no idea. I'm still not even sure I understand what I watched. Could this really be happening on American TV? I mean, even with a Wayne Brady hosted lyrics show on TV, I expected more than bad Eurotrash pop even from Fox. I was originally bummed that I couldn't find a YouTube clip of the actual performance from So You Think You Can Dance tonight because it was undeniably special. But I found the actual music video and, frankly, it may be more special. You will sit and be confused. Baffled. And you must at every moment remember that this is not irony: This is not a video some college kid made in his basement to mock bad Eurotrash pop. Oh no, this is bad Eurotrash pop that is INVADING OUR SHORES. Forget the Minute Men down on the Mexican border. THIS IS THE CRAP WE NEED TO STOP FROM MAKING IT'S WAY INTO OUR PRECIOUS COUNTRY. OH MY GOD.
ps: Also embarrassing as a nation? When Wade Robson choreographs an anti-war dance, you know, ART and Fox makes the So You Think You Can Dance judges apologize for the STATEMENT OF HIS ART to all the lame ass deep southerners who complained. Unreal.
10. Here's a playlist: Because I'm ON FIRE right now, the playlist reflect that!
a. Fiona Apple: Extraordinary Machine: Because that's what I've felt like lately. In all respects, including the one she's talking about.
b. Savage Garden: Truly, Madly, Deeply: It's always been a guilty indulgence song anyway, but it got drunk sung to me this week and I was all like "Aw, cute." And it put it back on the radar because then I listened to it all week and was like "That was some cute drunk singing."
c. Charlie Daniels Band: Devil Went Down to Georgia: Because it randomly cycled through my playlist while I was running this week and I can't stop singing it, such as it.
d. Lyle Lovett: If I Had a Boat: This is a live version, which I actually prefer. I've been listening to it when I get a little too hyper during the day and I need to chill out.
e. Spice Girls: Wannabe: I mean, who HASN'T been listening to the Spice Girls since you heard about the reunion and watched that painful hour of Posh? "So tell me what you want, what you really, really want!"
f. Joss Stone: Sleep Like a Child: I'm still on my Joss Stone kick, and this is another song I've been listening to when I need to chill out my mind during the day.
g. Amy Winehouse: In My Bed: This is actually from her first album, which Ferris and Dana let me burn while I was home. It's my favorite track off of that album. I think I recall that it's Dana's favorite, too.
h. Ryan Shaw: Nobody: Okay, so just so you know, this track is off of his promotion site, so it's a little slower than the radio edit. Which is unfortunate because the song is AMAZING. Go to his MySpace or something and listen to the real version.
i. Kitaro: Silk Road: I mean, I've been listening to just a lot of Kitaro (thanks for putting that on your MySpace Ferris) all week to relax. Yep.
j. Violet Indiana: New Girl: Because I listen to Violet Indiana when I want to be still.
Sometimes, I get email from people I don't know who read this blog and I'm like "Really? That thing that I wrote was confusing to you?" But yesterday I got an email that was seriously like, "We guys are confused about how exactly you pamper a girl like a princess." And I was horrified! Because everybody should know that! How will you ever seduce the perfect woman if you don't really know how to princess pamper? And so, because I have been all about improving humanity recently, I'm going to explain it. Really, it's for the sake of all mankind. Thank me the next time you get laid, boys.
The first thing you have to understand is that there are three different ways to pamper a girl depending on what your desired outcome is. There's pampering to get her into bed, there's pampering to get her into some kind of ongoing relationship that's not, um, designed to end in marriage, and there's pampering because you want her to really love you and take care of you for the rest of your life. This is complicated, so keep up.
Pampering a Girl So You Can Sleep With Her: Listen, honestly, if you don't know how to do this, I'm not sure I can help you. Here are the basics though: - Don't overdo it on dinner. If your real goal is to sleep with her, big bloated bellies don't help. But don't take her to McDonald's either (ahem, RJ).
- Lots of drinks. Not beer. Drinks. There's a difference.
- When the old dude/young chick comes by selling roses, buy one. Work this into your budget BEFORE you go out.
- There's no such thing as saying "You're beautiful" too many times.
Pampering a Girl So You Can Sugar Daddy Her: This is not really the best way to describe the type of relationship I'm really trying to explain here. But let's say you like a girl more than a one-night-stand, but you're definitely not looking for a wife or even a girlfriend. I like to call these LTNSR (long term, no strings relationships, also known as "What Jocelyn is Queen Of"). This is the case where you REALLY need to step up the pampering. Because let's be real, unless you are Adonis in bed, there's not much reason for most girls to stick around in this type of situation. Girls want husbands and babies, so if you want to convince a girl to be available for your one weekend a month of availability, you'd better turn the pamper-meter up to 100. Here's a list. - No weekend counts unless you take her somewhere four star and romantic. Think beaches, think mountains, think bed and breakfast, think swanky. Do not try to sugar daddy if this is out of your budget.
- Room service. Plan to order it once you're there.
- Gifts. Expensive ones, but not ones that were chosen randomly. You still need to put thought into what she'll like.
- This is important. You have a life outside of her. She knows that. She's going to be curious about that. Part of the deal with princessing her is that you have to respect that she's choosing to be with you with no real future and therefore deserves whatever information she wants. Don't try to keep secrets. She needs that information to keep from falling for you for real.
- IM, text, email or call at least every other day. Keep the connection there.
- Mail her things. Like in the physical mail. But not things that will remind her painfully about your life outside of her. Things like "I was walking by a store and saw this and thought of you."
- And, finally, always, always, always, always when you see her tell her that you thought of her a lot when you weren't with her. Always.
Here's the thing you need to keep in mind: Everything that I described above can easily cross the line into "manipulation just to keep her hanging on." Be real. Keep it real. Know how much of this you're doing because you're both okay with your LTNSR and how much you're doing that just isn't fair. It's harder than it sounds.
Pampering a Girl So That She Will Fall In Love With You: This, of course, is the most admirable one, but also the most difficult one. Why is it difficult? Because when you think of "princessing" a girl, you think about what I described above with the whole LTNSR. But the reality is that there's a whole different kind of princessing that goes on if you want a girl to fall in love with you. And this is where most men don't see the difference. So here's a list.
- Listen, material things are important. I'd like to tell you that they're not, but unless your girl is Mother Theresa, they are. Don't forget Christmas and birthday presents. Presents bought for no reason at all are a good thing. The difference between pampering a girl for a LTNSR and pampering a girl to make her fall in love with you is that you don't have to buy expensive things. Know what three of the best princess presents I ever got were? A book about Hanson (yes, that Hanson) because he knew I would find it funny and endearing, a digital photo of my two favorite stuffed animals in a frame and a video postcard of a sunset. Because you're giving her time and energy, you don't need to spend. But you do need to give her "things" and "stuff."
- Really, seriously, and I can't emphasize this enough, you have to tell her that she's beautiful ALL THE TIME. Especially if she's "aging out." Every girl in the world is insecure about your finding somebody prettier than she is. Even Elizabeth Hurley got cheated on WITH A NASTY LA HOOKER. Tell her that you think she's beautiful even if she's just come home from the gym and hasn't shaved her legs in three days. Okay, don't do that, because she's not stupid and she'll never take you seriously again if you do.
- Surprises - and this is coming from me and I HATE surprises. Surprise her by stopping at the grocery store and bringing her back a Hershey bar and an orange. Surprise her by cleaning out her car for her because she's not good at remembering to do it herself. Surprise her by leaving her notes on her pillow at night. I could give you a list of 100 ways to surprise her, but this entry is long enough already.
- Music - if you're a hipster, make her mix tapes. If you're anybody else, regularly email her mp3s of songs that made you think of her that day.
- Always, always, always kiss her goodbye and hello no matter where you are and who's with you.
- Pull Out the Big Guns: Look, you can't get away with not doing this. Eventually, you need to pull the vacation card out. Save up. Do it right. Create a romantic environment that's totally removed from reality so that you can really let both of you get immersed in that feeling. Sorry. I know it's pricey, but princesses need vacations.
- And, finally, tell her every single day how important she is to you. Every.single.day. If you need to put it on your daily "to do" list, do it.
It's really not that hard, right? I mean, depending on what it is that you want in the end. I mean, are we asking for too much?
I'm so curious to hear if the ladies think I missed anything. I'm so curious to hear if the men think we really do want to much. Hit me up. I read email.
Madonna Tribute - Cast of Glee
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