Firstly, this month is exactly like deja vu. It's exactly like last year, where I got sick and couldn't run. But then I lost about 10 pounds which made me a better runner when I went back. And I got behind on everything, but because I was sick and homebound I got a lot of things organized and clean. And then I freaked out that I was getting a slow start to the year. And then I went on and had an amazingly, over-full, adventure-filled year. I'm hoping it all works out the same.
Anyway, let's get deep.
So, you may remember that back before the holiday there was this entry, complete with comment thread. And at the end of the comment thread it was suggested that I wake up on Christmas morning and really give some thought to whether I'm happy or not, and what I want, and what I miss. And because I believe that nothing is coincidental in the world, I figured it was pretty important that I do that.
So, you know, because I'm overly analytical -- often to the point of detriment -- I broke this down into three actual things. Was I happy. What did I Want. Who Did I Miss.
Who Did I Miss You know, oddly, I didn't wake up missing anybody. But that may be because I had seen so many of the people who matter the most to me during the month of December. I had actually thought that I would wake up and miss some people. Some friendships that I had had to let grow of during the year. A couple of relationships that had ended, and not necessarily with rainbows and puppies. And maybe the fact that I didn't miss anybody was circumstantial that I'd spent the last three nights in houses full of people I love in a place that I love, and a couple of hours later my family was going to get there. Okay, I actually did miss my cousin Di desperately, but that's an anomaly and sometimes people have to miss holidays. But then there's the flip side. That if I hadn't been there for Christmas. And if I hadn't had the schedule flexibility and financial resources to basically spend a month traveling for the holiday gauntlet before the holiday, then I would have been missing people and places desperately. And that's part of the reason that a LAX/FAX holiday may be better for me. Take away my ability to make the holidays about being with ALL the people I love (or, you know, many and most of them) and I do get sad. I am not equipped to have that very special couple of months taken away from me. But that's also an issue with me and relationships in general. I am not designed to give ALL of myself to any one person. I am designed to have lots and lots of touchpoints. So I can really only function with somebody who can give me that ability without making me feel guilty or trapped. But anyway, missing people? I didn't feel it. That's a good thing.
Was I Happy? Yes. I was happy. If I had been unhappy after coming off of such an amazing, adventurous, loving, blessed, experience full year, then there probably would have been no hope for me. Also, though, maybe not the best situation to ask me in, because I'm awfully reflective during the holidays. So if you look at the year I had, and then think about the fact that I would have been reflecting on how lucky I'd been that year, then it would be insane that I didn't wake up happy. And I was happy all day. It was a happy Christmas.
What Did I Want? Okay, here's the curve ball.
I kept thinking that I wished I had a baby.
Yep. That's the thought that kept coming to my head. And maybe it was because I had spent time with Tyler and Cienna and Justin right before the holidays, and they are all charming and engaging children. But I kept thinking that it was time for me to be giving a child Christmas and starting to weave that fabric, which is a much differently colored fabric than the one I'm weaving now.
WHICH IS CRAZY.
It's crazy because I just got done telling you that I woke up happy and complete and full BECAUSE I was able to live my life the way I lived it last year. Which I could not have done with a baby. My parents weren't running off to Africa and Greece AFTER they had me. Nobody was living some kind of flexible, adventure seeking life AFTER they had me. And I know, I know, the parents out there will tell me that it's a different kind of adventure. And that the fulfillment of having your own family is a greater reward. And they're probably right. But I just got done figuring out how to live in a way that makes me feel happy and complete. WHY ON EARTH WOULD I SHAKE THAT UP?
So, we are back to the one constant with me. I want conflicting things at all times. Awesome!
Holidays Chapter 2: "Are you going to take your bag out of your hood?"
So, after girly, girly night (which, in case you missed it because it was back-dated, is here), it was holiday gauntlet running through the rest of LA. All of which was fantastically fun.
This is not where it gets interesting ... The day started with brunch with Shimmy at our most favorite bad for you diner in Long Beach. The place where they double stuff potatoes for breakfast and, after serving you a plate of food big enough for three people, then slap down an order of French Toast with cream cheese stuffed inside to top it off. The coffee there is terrible, but it's worth it. We are full ... well ... overfull when we leave.
This is not where it gets interesting ... Next stop, Shadalan's for an annual card reading. She has a lovely new place that looks out over the ocean. Very peaceful. And also, very insightful.
This is not where it gets interesting ... Then, Santa Monica for the most reasonably priced fantastic Italian meal I've had in months. Dinner is with Darren and Brooke and they are possibly the single most charming couple you will ever meet. And then Joe and Helen showed up for dessert. And I was a happy girl.
This is where it got interesting ... And then I drove to Topenga Canyon. Listen, I'm absolutely getting the bad drunk driving habit out of my system in 2008. No more scenes where shamus and RJ have to yell at me in a parking garage to get me to give them my keys. No more DUIs. And certainly no more of this driving to Topenga Canyon after getting loaded up on my arch nemisis red wine. But I drove to Topenga Canyon to see J-Flo and K-Flo and Justin nonetheless. And when I got there, I got confused about where to park, so I ended up parking almost two blocks away. But J-Flo is waiting outside for me because he'd already fielded a couple of my lost and drunken phone calls that night. So he sees me park two blocks away and rolls his eyes and starts to walk toward me to retrieve me. And while he is doing that, he is treated to this scene:
I have become confused about which buttons on my car remote pop the hood of my car versus the trunk of my car. And I am repeatedly popping the hood of my car, and then looking at the hood. And then looking a the trunk. And then shutting the hood. And then repeating the process. And when J-Flo gets down to the car, he is already snotting and laughing. And I look at him, lost, and say, "I can't figure out how to open my trunk. I think I'm going to have to put the back seats down and drag my bags out from the back seat."
And somewhere between snorting out beer and sitting down on the ground because he is laughing so hard, J-Flo says, "Why don't you just put the KEY into the trunk?"
DUH.
After looking at him blankly for a moment, I suddenly realize that I am a drunken idiot. And open my trunk. Like a moron. I haven't lived this one down yet. I doubt that I will any time soon.
J-Flo and K-Flo are a great team with their son, Ju-Flo. It's amazing to watch. I had the most amazing time falling asleep on their couch while drinking wine and eating Cheetohs. I love them. I wish we lived closer. Though, I still get physically ill when I think about how much food J-Flo was able to put down at IHOP the next morning. That's not even right, ya'll. I want to be a part of their team! Just not a part of their IHOP eating team.
Finally, the last stop is Charles and Luci's. As if IHOP weren't enough, when I get to Charles and Luci's, I find that we are having MEAT for lunch. MEAT on the grill. And wine. Let me tell you how I stuffed it down. Not pretty. I may have gained 10 pounds in the weekend alone. And then there were video games and pictures and all kinds of fun things.
LA gauntlet was spectacular. It was like a real Christmas but with sunshine. And then, I headed to PA and things got REALLY crazy ...
1. I found out that I was actually conceived in Africa. SO MUCH IS CLEAR NOW. I'm just being called back to my homeland. Hold your jokes.
2. Jonathan Cainer told me that in 2008 I MUST focus on my spiritual calling and my place in the evolution of mankind. He pretty much said it just like that, too.
3. My Jesus-loving neighbors (I mean that in the nice way) gave me a 90 minute lecture on Armageddon. It's here, you know. Matchbox 20 is evidence of this.
I mean, you can put the pieces together and figure out that this is all set up for an AWESOME 2008. Can you barely wait? I can barely wait.
Yet, despite my apparent impending spiritual quest, that didn't stop this from happening this holiday:
Holidays - Chapter 1: "Not a Single Cookie Was Decorated": Holidays are Always Best When They Start in LA
And so, the first run on the holiday gauntlet was to LA. I suppose, though, for the record that it all depends on how you define "holiday gauntlet" since the argument could be made that the holiday gauntlet had started over Thanksgiving in San Francisco, or the weekend after in Austin. Both of those events included binge drinking and eye-rolling moments, so who knows.
The first thing that is supposed to happen during LA Holiday is a cookie decorating party at Shimmy's. The idea being that we would make casseroles (put that holiday weight on early, please), drink cocktails and decorate cookies while enjoying girl holiday time.
The problem, however, is in the order that we did things. Rather than decorate cookies while cooking and drinking, we proceeded to have two to three cocktails a piece before cookies were ever mentioned. Wanna know something? At the end of the night not a single cookie had even been touched.
We ate FOUR kinds of casserole.
We had many, many cocktails. KALM wore this:
LaurieG got a fart fan for Christmas, took an unusually hot picture with it and then later REALLY needed it:
And then, various things happened. We both opened gifts and went through items from each other's closets that we were getting rid of. It was like our own personal garage sale. Here are a couple of pictures of happy gift girls:
Then, Shadee told a story about how she had gone to Trader Joe's and gotten distracted by a cute boy and then proceeded to trip on her own heel and nearly fall over while almost taking down an entire wine display with her. She was very animated. And these are our real lives.
Then, we danced. We danced like hookers even though we did not look like hookers because we were all wearing pajamas. Here are some pictures.
Then, we decided to try to watch "Two Girls, One Cup." If you're not familiar, this is a HORRID, NASTY porn video that's circulating the internet. It's painful. I mean, in fairness, we'd been watching YouTube clips for a while, and somebody brought up "Two Girls, One Cup" and we were all like "let's check it out!" IT WAS SO DISGUSTING WE COULD NOT EVEN WATCH IT. These photos are priceless, yes they are. If you look at them, you will see that we could not even keep our faces towards the screen. We couldn't even watch. I mean, except, apparently, for ONE PERSON. If you look at the photos, you will see that three of us are all turning away from the screen and ONE PERSON seems to be captivated and drawn to the screen in all pictures. That is all.
And then we passed out. Oh yes, you may have imagined that this rager ran all night, but you would be wrong. Here's photographic evidence that the majority of the party girls passed out before it was even midnight. Ha.
So, to review, our girlie night had everything you could hope for in your fantasies:
1. That I am currently too tired to write about LA, but I have airport time today, so that will probably happen then. It was amazing in ways that only those involved can understand. I swear I'll write about it before I get trapped in holiday rush.
2. That even if I haven't watched a single episode of the season, I will cry like a baby during the season finale of The Biggest Loser and that you cannot deny that Jillian Michaels is a bad ass.
3. That I make some bad ass peanut brittle.
4. That I love acronyms and have added FAX to SMOS, and that as evidenced below, random comments from strangers who may or may not have helped develop FAX can cause me to go into existential spiral for an entire strain of blog comments. AWESOME.
5. That I am so not my organized self during the holidays that it's almost midnight the night before I'm leaving for home and I'm not packed and convinced that I'm getting up at 7 to do that. Bets, please?
6. That sometimes your ex-husband still knows you better than anybody, as evidenced by the fact that I got a musical Christmas card today that plays the Linus speech about the meaning of Christmas when you open it.
7. That this quote from season four of Northern Exposure, said by One Who Waits during Ed's quest to find his father, is good:
"Some think that time is a wheel that just keeps on turning, in which case your moment will surely come around again. And some think that time is a river, in which case your moment may have already floated by."
I think that time is a river.
8. That I am not okay when Janet Jackson sings a song with the words "Asian Persuasion."
I promise, LA stories and then the annual holiday wish list all this week!
You Know, Because Some People Enjoy the "Thrill" of a Relationship More Than Others
Him So this is the first Christmas in 10 years that I'll be single.
Me You know, pretty much me, too. I actually know a lot of people where this is the first holiday in about a decade where they've been single for the holiday. I'm thinking of forming a club.
Him We could call it LAX: Losers at Xmas.
Me WHAT are you talking about? More like FAX: Free at Xmas. I think we're viewing this differently.
Come join us for LAX/FAX. It's all in what you want.
Remember the time you lived on the hundredth floor of the high rise at Pitt and you wanted to steal the donkey from one of those plastic, light-up nativity sets in somebody's yard and then tell people to look up in the sky at your window at midnight to see your illuminated ass? And then remember how we were driving to the Uniontown Mall and we were headed up that steep hill in Brownsville that leads to the Dairy Queen and we saw one (a light-up ass in a light-up nativity set) in somebody's yard? And remember how I wanted to get out of the car and steal it and even made you pull the car over? And then you told me not to steal it because I'd upset Jesus, and then, even though you don't care so much about upsetting Jesus (baby version or otherwise) your conscious took over and you still wouldn't let me rip the ass off because stealing from somebody's nativity set was just wrong? That's because you're a much better person than I am. That's why you're mom's favorite. It's cool.
But I don't think that I care that you're a much better person than I am, because I make way more cash dollars than you do. And the only way that you're going to Hawaii next year is if I pay for your ass, SUCKA.
2. Confession #2: I am massively addicted to watching Run's House. If an episode comes on in the background, I shut down for hours.
3. Confession #3: I also watched the Oprah made for tv movie "One More Day" tonight - IN THE BACKGROUND.
4. Confession #4: I turned the Steelers game off in the third quarter, unable to watch any more.
5. Confession #5: I had a moment today when my place was torn apart with holiday wrapping and stressing where I felt very un-holiday-like.
6. Confession #6: It's 11:30pm on a Sunday and I'm drinking -- alone. (It's wine, folks, it's not the same. OKAY - it's really a martini. Same thing.)
7. Confession #7: I played a goddamn drinking game on Friday night. No, seriously, with plastic keg cups and all. No class.
8. Confession #8: I went to the MALL today. Embarrassing.
9. Confession #9: I am currently reading goth trash. Shut up.
10. Confession #10: I cried during The Amazing Race tonight. (I then followed that up with "God. STUPID. Of course your relationship is in the trash. Have you never watched The Amazing Race" before? EVERYBODY breaks up after that show."
Good night, Gracie (that's the martini talking).
10b. "Coming Clean" is the title of a Hillary Duff song. I own that song.
FYI - I am too old to go to midnight movies on a school night. I am tired today. I am on cat nap number four and it's only noon. But you're going to ask me what I thought of The Golden Compass, aren't you? I mean, you know, I think it was as well as they could adapt that book to a movie. It was nice to see a lot of the fantasy characters and the armored bears come to life. But you know, when you love a book like I love that book, the movie is NEVER GOOD ENOUGH. But I do think it's worth seeing. It's short - only two hours. Nicole Kidman looks STUNNING in every shot and it better get an Oscar nod for costuming. It was worth feeling like ass today.
1. I Fall Somewhere Between....So Pookie sent me this link. I fall somewhere between "Lover Boy" and "Hunk Next Door." Yes, that's clearly a recipe for disaster. Apparently, I want a man who looks cool while washing his car in the driveway but also really, really, really needs me. In actuality, I want neither of those things.
2. Broken Social Scene - I've been listening to them a lot lately. I think that they are neither the "Lover Boy" or the "Hunk Next Door." That is all.
3. Holiday Check In - By the end of the weekend, unless you work for Pregame.com (in which case I am holding your stuff until right before your holiday party) or live in Pennsylvania, you will be DONE! Letters went out the day before yesterday. Everybody in San Francisco is finished. Everybody in LA is finished (more or less). By the end of the weekend, if I need to mail your package, you are finished. I feel, you know, pretty good. And tired. And a little broke!
4. Birthday Madrid Trip: Dear Lis,
How DO you do it? I am already stressed out about trying to keep everybody happy on this trip. Love, Jos
5. Remember When Pookie Had No Computer? How long ago that seems. Now, my day is a series of IM's from him that include links like the one above and endless YouTube videos. But I don't care, because he sent me this YouTube classic, which took a HORRIBLE day (yesterday) and turned it around for me:
There's so much good in this video: - The Clap Track that EVERYBODY does, even those seemingly random females - The look on Rick James' face after he obviously just snorted coke - The shirtless guitarist behind Eddie Murphy - The way Eddie Murphy consistently looks away from the camera because HE IS TAKING HIS MUSIC SERIOUSLY
And, the best part, as pointed out by Pook, is how Rick James rushes out and grabs a bass guitar during the last ten seconds of the song -- as though it is suddenly needed.
I love that people are asking, I LOVE PRESENTS. Awesome. But you know, I don't want to gripe but...I have had a link to my Amazon wish list right over there on the left side all this time.
I know. Nobody wants to buy me sports bras for the holidays, but it's what I need. That Jesus bracelet and Supernatural Season 2 are high on the list also. That is all.
1. Things That Happen Without My Brain Realizing It: This is something that actually happened this week. I stopped at 7-11 on the way home from the gym the other day to get some bottled water. I was on the phone at the time. On the phone, to the other person, I'm actually saying "I don't get it. I'm not running like training running, but I'm running hard and I'm running consistently, and I still feel like I'm putting on my annual holiday fat." And then I look down and realize that even as I'm talking, I'm taking Reese Cups out of the package and eating them before I even took them to the cash register. True story. When I get back from Texas on Monday it's going to be five straight days of running to matter what anybody says or does. For real.
2. Speaking of Texas: It's where I'm headed tomorrow through Sunday for Paul and Kari's wedding. Here is what I will say without saying much, and also making it clear that I am in no way talking about the bride and groom. You know what's amazing? It's amazing how when a large group of people are all friends and stay friends for a very long time, which is true of this particular group of college friends, things change yet they stay the same. By which I mean that drama changes targets. For example, there is a girl who is invited to the wedding whom I cannot stand. And there was some drama about to brunch or not to brunch, and I was IMing with another friend from the group who at one point really liked her. And he was all like, "Oh YEAH - that thing she did to person x at the Kolodny wedding? I refuse to be around her after that." And it was funny because it's the same story that did her in in my book, too. But at any given point in the decade long history of this group of friends, that attitude could have been about a dozen other people. Ah, the nature of life.
3. Holiday Check In! Do you love the holiday theme? You do, you know it. I feel like I'm in good shape with the holidays. I mean, sure, it's almost 11pm on the night before I leave for a trip and I'm not packed and need to give myself a manicure, but I feel like I'm in good shape. I almost don't know what to do with the extra time. Oh, wait. I'll do a Nature of Sand entry because there's one that's been dying to get out. I love this time of year.
4. Have You Seen This Kathy Griffen Special? It's so effing funny. There's this whole bit about how apparently all child molesters, if you watch To Catch a Predator, must LOVE iced tea. It's really, really funny. I love her so much.
5. But Where Is Your Blog? I know. Not so much with the updating. But it's busy time. I'll be better next week.
6. You can amuse yourself with a Friday playlist though. Here's what I'm listening to this week.
a. Mariah Carey: All I want for Christmas. Which is also my ring tone right now, though my ring tone if the remixed version with Little Bow Wow rapping about the holiday.
b. Sara Bareillis: Gravity: The whole album is good. It's not as good as the Alicia Keys album, but it's great. That "Love Song" song is great, too, but this is my favorite. "Set me free. Leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity."
c. Alicia Keys: The Thing About Love: And this, in my opinion, is the best track off of the new Alicia Keys album. Okay, maybe not musically, but lyrically, it's lovely Kind of Beatles reminiscent in some of the chords, actually.
d. Ingred Michaelson: The Way I Am: Let Go is actually my favorite song from her, but that albums been quite soothing this week.
e. Finger Eleven: Paralyzer: Don't laugh. "This club will probably be closed in three weeks. That would be cool by me." I love those dudes.
And so Thanksgiving was, as usual, fantastic. It was also, as usual, exhausting and full of cluster. But I am, as usual, very thankful for my wonderful friends and wonderful San Francisco ... and mimosas.
Wednesday, 7:30pm: A questionable call the evening before a three day gauntlet run in San Francisco is to have a dinner guest over. Right? Because then the things you are not doing between 7:00pm and around midnight or so include packing, sleeping or getting cat supplies ready. But dinner is lovely, and by the way there is a fantastic recipe in last month's Cooking Light for a holiday beef stew with Guinness and cranberry sauce. And it is amazing. And my dinner guest is the kind of super sweet dinner guest who shows up with flowers and wine and then offers to restore an antique picture of my grandmother that has some water damage, so that made me fine and content with not packing, sleeping or getting cat supplies ready in the evening.
Thursday, 4:30am: This is when you leave for the airport if you have a 6:00am flight on Thanksgiving morning. It sounds worse than it is in real life. I mean, it's early, but the airport is also peaceful. You're not battling crowds at check in or security or in the parking lots. You can grab a cup of coffee and sit and enjoy McCarrrean's free wireless. I mean, it's early. It means you haven't slept the night before, but it's got its benefits. That is all.
Thursday, 8:30am: This is when you arrive at Chez Halff and take a one hour nap, acting like that hour is going to make a difference.
Thursday, 9:30am: This is when you leave for Chez Kennelco. You were supposed to arrive by 10am, but you know that's hopeless. You say before you leave that no matter what time you get there, you are staying only for an hour because you need to nap before people come over for Thanksgiving dinner.
But then you get to Chez Kennelco, and you are having a wonderful time because Ken and Eleanor and their beautiful children are so lovely and so engaging. And it is sunny and warm outside and so Ken takes the kids out to play football and you get to spend your late morning sitting in the sun and watching kids toss a football in a perfectly manicured back yard on Thanksgiving day. And Eleanor is cooking in such a way that it is required that you pick fresh sage from her backyard garden, which somehow feels like the most appropriate Thanksgiving day chore altogether. And everybody has stories and it's warm in the kitchen and the kids are playing and it's all perfect. And you're a little bit jealous, except that you have to check yourself and remind yourself that your Thanksgiving is wonderful too. It's all good and perfect and delightful.
Thursday, 1:00pm-ish: Is when you arrive back at Chez Halff. You offer to help in the kitchen, and graciously Halff allows you to cut some brussel sprouts. But that is it! No working in kitchen de Halff. It's good that he, as he says, knows his limitations. Around 3ish, Rice, Michael and Ho show up.
And it's the best Thanksgiving in years.
Firstly, the food is amazing. The turkey is rubbed with sage and pancetta butter. Halff has made rich folk green bean casserole for me. There are pies, oh yes, there are pies.
And the company is spectacular. We laugh all night long. We play cards, which involves more laughing and the obvious realization that I can't count, as I'm the only one required to take notes to remember my score. Here is my favorite story of the night, as told by Michael:
"So I'm in the bank, and the teller is a cute girl, but, you know, I'm gay. And she and I are talking, and it's all like we like the same band and all, and we're both being friendly, you know? And so she says, 'Hey, that band is playing next week. We should go.' And I'm all like, 'Does she not realize that I'm gay?' But whatever. So I say, 'Sure. Can I bring my boyfriend, too?' And, no joke, she pauses, and then there's this huge sigh and she's all like, 'Suuuure. Siiiiiigh.' And I just keep on filling out my deposit slip. And she all keeps talking, and I swear to God what she says is, 'Mama told me. She said - you're thirty years old. Don't move to San Francisco, you'll never find a man. Mama told me.'"
Best.Thanksgiving.Story.Ever.
It really was so good. Every part of it. Thank you everybody.
Friday, 10amish: Is when shamus shows up for breakfast and Black Friday shopping. Breakfast, in case there hasn't been enough food yet, is homemade waffles with Halff's homemade cherry cranberry sauce over them.
Pumas are bought, and then...
shamus gets horribly, horribly ill. Horribly ill.
I'm just going to say that Friday is a day we will not recall. There is dry heaving. There is a need for Gatorade just to rehydrate what is lost. It's, well, not too pretty. I love you shamus! I do!
Saturday, 10amish: Is when you arrive at Chez Paul & Dex. It is also when the first round of the Jocelyn, Paul & Dex holiday tradition of mimosas served in huge pint glasses is served.
Holiday presents are exchanged. I get a bottle of Godiva Chocolate Liquor, which is as good a present as you can get. I text the following to Shimmy:
"Paul and Dex just gave me Godiva chocolate liquor, so we'll be drinking high end chocolate orange martinis at Bring the Naughty, Leave the Nice!"
To which Shimmy texts: "I love Paul and Dex."
Don't we all, don't we all.
We meet up with Dale for brunch at some mildly pretentious Castro brunch place, where we feel that the correct follow-up to mimosas is a bottle of wine.
Then we go back to Chez Paul & Dex where there is another round of mimosas and many, many hours of video game. And anime. Video games and anime. The afternoon pretty much looks like this from where I'm sitting.
And then we pass out. It's perfect.
Dinner is in the mall -- yes, the mall -- with lovely AshleighE. Here's a picture, taken specifically because we were in the Muni station and I said, "Hmmm. Soft lighting in here. This would be a very flattering place to take a picture of us.
One would think that that day was full enough, and involved enough drinking, but then Paul and I head out to Trad'r Sams to have cocktails with Melis and Howie. By cocktails, we mean a Black Magic, which pretty much puts us on our asses. But Melis and Howie look amazing. Here's my favorite quote from Melis, who is clearly the most awesome mother in the world (and I mean that seriously - because she knows who she is and doesn't let the fact that she has kids change her core, even if it has to change her outward behavior sometimes).
Melis You know, what we learned early was that, sure, you could get a baby sitter to stay until 4:00am and you could stay out, but no matter what you did, those kids were going to be up at 6:30am yelling, "Milk! Milk!" And the smell, too!
11:00pm: Is when you arrive back at Chez Paul and Dex and cram in four hours of sleep before calling a cab to leave for the airport again at 4:30am.
It was a perfect, perfect, perfect Thanksgiving. I love San Francisco. I love my friends. I'm thankful for at least two years where I could spend Thanksgiving there with them. I'm thankful, also, for mimosas.
Applesauce had a good time, too. And then he passed out drunk.
Argh. Argh. Argh. I'm tired. I stayed in bed all day today. I am still processing Thanksgiving, and I mean that mentally AND physically. I will write about it a bit later, when I am less tired. Tonight, I am tired.
1. A promised drunk call: I didn't get drunk at all until Saturday, my dear, and then we pretty much all immediately passed out. You'll get a drunk call this season, patience, grasshopper.
2. Applesauce! Paul & Dex have completed the first promosode for Applesauce, in which the heroes, Unity & Identity, save the universe from certain evil by quoting William Butler Yeats. Yes, it is that good. You know, you can keep tab on when future promosodes of Applesauce have been released (and I can tell you that I got a preview of episode two, and in it we find out that there is no God), by putting the Applesauce blog in your rss feed. There you go. Enjoy the promosode.
3. Speaking of Youtube: Perhaps you want to see the famous Eat'N Park holiday star commercial in full size instead of the small version in the upper left of my blog. Here you go.
4. Speaking of Things That Make You Feel Warm: How good was Brothers & Sisters tonight? That show is the best thing on TV.
5. I should rest tonight, but: It's the Dancing with the Stars finale AND the Steelers on Monday Night Football. So, no rest. That instead.
1. Not Good for Headspace: Here is a list of people who should not read Into the Wild.
a. Parents of children, period. a.2 Parents of children with restless spirits (ie: my mom)
b. People with restless spirits. b.2 People with restless spirits who just got back from Africa and want nothing more than to go off grid for a while. (ie: me)
Yeah, there's a Nature of Sand entry in the works. That is all.
2. In Case You Missed It: In case you are the ONE person in the world who missed it when I posted this on the MySpace page of everybody in the world, I give you the most priceless screenshot ever. It's the face of Marie Osmond, America's sibling sweetheart, as she crawls through the spandex clad, straddled legs of her dance partner on Dancing with the Stars. Enjoy.
Also, yes, I'm heartbroken that Jennie won't be in the finals.
3. Speaking of Sibling Sweethearts: Mine hosts an annual holiday party. And I bought this to wear to it this year.
4. Speaking of Elves and Princesses: Princess D was in town the other day and she had Big E with her (whom I totally adore and support as a boyfriend). And we had lovely Russian food at Red Square and talked about all of the things in life that happen to people when they're, you know, living. And I love them. And here is what they said should make the blog afterwards:
Big E You think that guy over there is hot, don't you?
Me Sure do.
Big E He's so rico suave though. He's probably an asshole.
Me You know, Big E, the thing about SMOS is that you don't so much have to worry about their personalities.
Listen, that's the exchange that THEY picked for the blog update. I had nothing to do with it.
5. How manic is manic? It's, well, manic. Between 12am and 4am on Monday, I reorganized my closet so that, like a mullet, it is business in the front and party in the back. On the left side, all of my work and casual clothes, organized by tops and bottoms and then by color family. On the right side, all of my party clothes, organized the same way. Shoes and purses and scarves and hats organized the same way. That's right. Some might say that if you're a manic insomniac, you should get a lot of productive stuff done. I, in fact, organize cabinets. Fun times.
The Jocelyn List: What to Buy Your Woman for the Holiday
Or really for any other holiday. This is the third year in a row that I've done this list. The other lists are good, too. You can find them here and here. Also, you can shop for things for me here or here. Early? Yes. But I'd like to point out that my holiday cards are all ready to drop in the mailbox on 12/1 and 35% of my Christmas gift list is done. I'll be able to enjoy December in ways that aren't possible if you don't shop ahead. That is all . And here is this year's list. And it is great. And you should shop for your woman early.
1. Sexy, Sexy, Sexy Little Undies I fell in love with the Honeydew Lingerie this year, particularly their boy shorts, of which there are two fantastic varieties that any woman should love. The "safer" bet is the mesh boy short. They come with hearts, skulls and crossbones and just cute little pink and black pairs. I own six pairs. And they're affordable. Just $12 a pair. Peruse.
The second awesome boy short from Honeydew is the mesh and lace rumba short. I own the exact pair pictured here. They are so cute. They're not the kind of thing you should buy her three or four pairs of, but they're a cute addition for fun if you're buying them to go along with something else. Peruse.
2. New Delightful Facial Product I found a new, delightful series of organic facial products this year. It's a local brand from the wonderful, wonderful city of Denver. MyChell, non-toxic skin care. And every single product I've tried is delightful. They smell wonderful but not overbearing and they feel good on your skin. Oh, and they work! Some specific ones I love:
Blueberry Antioxidant Mask: I have it on right now while I'm writing this. No joke. Every girl should be doing an antioxidant treatment, and this one feels lush and yummy on your skin.
Pumpkin Renew Cream: Pumpkin is often an overlooked ingredient in skin care, though all the high end manufacturers have a pumpkin product. This one affordable AND pumpkin is a nice seasonal scent.
Luscious Pina Colada Lip Plumping Treatment: It's tasty. I use it like a normal lip balm during the work day and get the benefits of the plumping treatment at the same time.
3. Mandle (and other delicious scents) Xtine and KALM and Shadalan and I were shopping in Long Beach one day and I fell totally in love this this cigar scented candle, which Xtine dubbed the "mandle" because of the nature of its scent. It's SO GOOD. I have a huge one burning in my living room at all times. Okay, that's not true. The scent on this candle is really lush and you can only burn it for about two hours before you want to take a break from it. But it's so, so, so good. Good enough that I spent $30 on the 90-hour version.
I'd also, by the way, recommend the Walnut Wood & Espresso version for burning in your kitchen.
4. The Female Album of the Year: As I Am from Alicia Keys Alicia Keys did you a favor when she released this album in time for you to give it as a holiday gift, yo. It's seriously one of those albums that every woman should have. She lyrically captures a lot of what women are going through in 2007, but most importantly, she speaks about the need to live every moment and feel every feeling, and you know how important I feel about that philosophy. There a song called "The Thing About Love" that I think is the best one. Here's a snippet:
Friends Sometimes will blind you Sneak up behind you You cant give enough
Then life It will embrace you Totally amaze you So you don't give up
5. Philosophy Candy Cane Product To be fair, what I wear during the holidays is a fruit cake scent from bath junkies, but getting that is high maintenance. So if you'd like to pick a lovely diddy for the lady in your life to use pre, post or during bathtime, and you want it to be festive, I do recommend (and personally enjoy) the Philosophy Candy Cane line. It's fun.
6. Tazo Berry Blossom White Tea I know, I know. I am usually one to recommend overpriced froofy teas. But this is a nice, affordable tea that's actually delicious on the tongue. You and I both know that the woman in your life will need a way to relax after a stressful holiday season. Buy her some tea. She'll appreciate it.
7. Godiva Chocolate Liquor Which we start the work day with every day where I work, and I usually end the night with it, too. If you have a woman on your list for whom you'd like to buy some yummy liquor this season, just thing about how much women enjoy chocolate. Yes, exactly. The Godiva chocolate liquor is yummy with coffee, in hot chocolate or on its own. It's the perfect holiday liquor.
8. In case she's already got the Alicia Keys CD: There was a lot of good music for women this year, though this one is a little older. The Art of Love and War by Angie Stone is amazing. Amazing. I listen to it at least once a day. No joke, Once a day. That's how good the album is. I'm even posting a video in case you're not familiar with her. She is that good.
9. If you live somewhere sunny...or you're giving her a trip to Hawaii for Christmas. Last year I discovered the best sun products in the world, and they really held up over the year. So if you live somewhere el tropical, get her the Tara Spa sun products. Particularly the Sun Care Rehydrator lotion, which I actually double up as a facial moisturizer. No joke. If she gets in the sun, these products are a must-have, and it's not like you bought her some Coppertone. You bought her REALLY GOOD sun product.
10. For the BIG SPENDA If you're going to drop $500 or so, just do it. Get her an iPhone. It's magical. I'm saying that it's magical and I had to re-insert every single piece of contact information I'd ever collected. Just do it. It's better than diamonds. Better than perfume. Get the girl an iPhone. That is all.
And there it is! Happy consumerism! I just told you to buy an iPhone as a gift. I rule.
I will be posting all of the Vancouver stories tomorrow, you know, after I upload the eighty million "drunk eye" photos for your enjoyment.
And hiking photos.
A random, very random, five to start.
1. Holidays! I have started putting the traditional list of suggestions for things to buy the women in your life together. If you, as a woman or a man who likes women's things, have received anything spectacular that you would like to recommend, you just feel free to email me and tell me so that I can include it.
2. Gorillas in the Mist: I finally finished reading it, and I had a moment where I cried on the plane. I should not have read that book so close to having returned. All I could think about was the horror of gorillas being slaughtered. I am still not right after that trip.
3. More Northern Exposure Wisdom: From the episode "Things Become Extinct." God, this season is good. I hope my mom can enjoy season one and season two enough to get to this season, because it's brilliant. "Things Become Extinct" is really about the way phases of your life end. The person that you were becomes extinct and you become somebody new, and stories continue either way. And in the middle, Chris says this:
"'In the middle of the journey of my life, I found myself in a dark wood Where the straight way was lost. Oh, it is hard to speak of what I saw there, Which even in recall renews my fear. So bitter is it that death is hardly more.'
That's Dante, folks, writing of his own midlife crisis.
That's the fourteenth century. Six hundred years have passed and we're still into it. It's at that midpoint in our personal continuum when our delicate lives hang in the balance. We look behind us and see how far we've come, and we realize that our past isn't a solitary trail through secret woods but a vista as big and expansive as the ocean itself with our experiences stretching to the horizon. Like tiny dot-like sailboats, sucked up into the enormous sea. "
Now, that, people, is some television writing.
4. Go Steelers: Damn, my team is good this year. Chargers? 5-4 is good enough for a one game lead in the AFC West? That's embarrassing.
5. I like her BECAUSE she's a drunk: Did you catch this priceless piece of Amy Winehouse trying to sing at the MTV Europe Video Music Awards? It just makes me like her more.
I leave manana for the YVR, and though it is a work trip, it always gets really dirty when we're up there. I'm exhausted before even having left. Here are ten quick things.
1. I have brought three Christmas gifts and all of my cards are addressed. Next week, we address envelopes for the CHRISTMAS LETTER THAT BETTER BE GETTING WRITTEN RIGHT NOW BECAUSE YOU TOTALLY COMMITTED TO BEFORE THANKSGIVING and five more gifts.
2. I almost had a heart attack when Jennie Garth was in the bottom two tonight.
3. I have a long entry about Pittsburgh and home. I may or may not have time to write it on the plane.
4. I am still stressed! It's still out of control here!
5. I'm not sure why it's this effing hard to get organized about what hotel people are staying at for that wedding in Austin. I'm really at a loss. No joke. I'm having conversations with five different people, all of whom are staying at different locations.
6. I haven't been on Facebook or MySpace for more than 15 minutes in over two days. I sent out about two tweets yesterday. That is how underwater I am.
7. I do not want what I have not got. Except that I would like four more hours in a day and Supernatural: Season 2.
8. Maks is my boyfriend. I have inappropriate thoughts about him all the time. Yum.
9. HellDamn, it's that time of year.
10. I'll catch you all on the flip from Vancouver. If I make it out of there alive. Remember how there was that story from the last time I was there about Halff actually thinking there may have been an earthquake? Here's hoping I match that. And also, let's be real, you know how I feel about Canadian Boys.
Or maybe you don't know that story. Believe it or not, some stories are even too inappropriate for here.
iPhones, Strippers, Counting Crows and Breakdowns: Friday Five!
1. True Tales of the iPhone & Strippers: How does the iPhone change your life? Like this. So last Sunday night, PPG had a party, and at the party there was supposed to be a stripper. And the specific type of stripper requested was "A Black girl, big on the top and big on the bottom." At 2am, I got a call from the clients that the stripper who had showed up was a small, Asian girl. So I had to get out of bed at 2am and head down to the strip to deal with swapping the girls out.
And when I get down there, I have to sit for half an hour while I'm waiting for my big-bodied Black stripper to arrive. And I'm bored. So I get out my iPhone.
I have this very dear friend Jen whom I love, love, love. Jen and I boxed together. Jen and I traveled to Budapest together and maybe next week I'll scan all of the wonderful photos of us at a fertility festival in Pesc or in a bathhouse in Budapest or recovering from a crazy birthday party we had in a place called Old Man's Pub. I love Jen, but a few years ago she moved to Russia to "do the good work" that she does. We still keep in touch. There are gaps, but then there are a flurry of emails and it's always more like resuming a conversation than starting a conversation.
So, I'm sitting there, miserable, waiting for the big-bodied Black stripper to arrive and I decide to check my email on my iPhone. Jen has emailed me a link to this - an article in the New York Times about her husband, who is also doing "the good work" as a lawyer in Russia. And because I am on my iPhone, I open the link and read the article in full glory-sized screen with amazing graphic resolution. And then because I am on my iPhone and it is the middle of the night here so the middle of the day in the Motherland, I can text and email with Jen real time for a little while, which we rarely get to do.
The iPhone. It brings me and my dear, dear friend in the Motherland closer.
2. Another Story of Vegas Party Planning: On Saturday, I also have to hustle my booty out of bed in order to deal with a limo "situation." The situation is as such: It's all very complicated. Because of the complicated system of "tips," kickbacks, payoffs, under the table money and such, what typically happens is that we meet up with the limo driver about 20 minutes before the client does to make sure that everybody was, is about to, or will be taken care of. Yes. This is my life.
Anyway, the limo driver that we're using on this particular night is not a limo driver that we've ever used before. He's in his fifties, originally from New York, a fun guy. We have a good time hanging out while waiting for the client and talking. We talk about the limo driver's daughters - who are, and this is important, MY AGE.
As the clients are coming out, I say to him, "Can we call you sometime if we need an extra driver?"
And he looks at me and says, "As pretty as you are, you can call me any time. How about dinner next week?"
Now, when you are female and you touch the "entertainment" industry in Vegas in any way, there is only one response you can give to this. It's to smile nicely and dodge the situation. Which I do.
And then...driving home. I have a breakdown. I call RJ and launch into the following:
"OH MY GOD - A FIFTY YEAR OLD JUST HIT ON ME. I DON'T MEAN HIT ON ME IN THE INAPPROPRIATE SMARMY WAY, I MEAN IN THE LEGITIMATE, HE THOUGHT IT WAS APPROPRIATE TO HIT ON ME KIND OF WAY. IS THIS MY FUTURE? AM I THIS OLD? ARE FIFTY YEAR OLDS GOING TO HIT ON ME? OH MY GAWD. MY YOUTH IS OVER."
I mean, ignoring the fact that I'm going out with a 27 year old who JUST TURNED 27 THIS WEEK. That was my reaction to that. I haven't been right since.
3. Speaking of Dating People Who Are Too Young for Me: You know you're going out with somebody too young for you when you say the following at their birthday dinner. "I know that you're too young to remember this, but Counting Crows was actually a pivotal band for me."
4. And...Go! Starts Now. I sadly watched last night as $1200 exited my checking accounts for air tickets to San Francisco, Austin and Pittsburgh. I had a twinge, but then I remembered how much fun I'm going to have on all of those trips. So, basically, I alternated between stress and excitement. That's pretty much my life right now.
5. Something Else to Look Forward to: Apparently, Captain Morgan and I are going to dress like slutty elves for Pookie's annual Christmas party. I'm going to see if I can convince Dana to join us. We'll see.
And...GO! A Friday Ten In Which I Give Up on the Rest of the Year
Ha! Do you like how I stopped the Africa updates right before the three single best days of the trip (lions, gorillas and zebras?). I actually have a rare 20 minutes of down time right now when I should be trying to clean out my inbox, but let's just update instead. There are many, many things going on right now.
1. I LOVE STRESS: I mean, I probably don't love the way that it ages me, but I do thrive on it. The good thing about the current levels of stress is that it comes at a time of year when I habitually get manic anyway. I'm averaging about 4 hours of sleep a night right now. You would think that with 20 hours of awake time a day I'd have time to answer people's emails or return phone calls or not bail on social engagements. Ha! Here's what I'm balancing right now:
- A stressful job transition that's also resulted in some bad mojo for some people who work/ed with me. So I'm basically working about 12 hours a day, on a good day. Literally, my day starts at 7:30am. Around 4pm, I go to the gym for a couple of hours, and then around 7pm I start working again. Usually until around midnight.
- November is NOT party season in Vegas, but we're determined to make our revenue goal, so finding people who want to party in Vegas during one of the months of the year when NOBODY parties in Vegas is hard.
- You know it - it's holiday season. I have a shopping list of 120 people plus a card list of about 300, and you know that the majority of that card list gets that custom, special letter that Pookie and I do together which is 3x the work of a card and 10x the expense of a card. And you also know that of that 120 people a lot of them get things that I make, and though I made 35 of something during the summer, that's still a lot to do. The good news is that I have "the spreadsheet" completed. The bad news is that I also have three months of late birthday presents that need to be sent out as well. Viva!
- I AM OUT OF SHAPE: Which means I'm running like a beast. I'm not sure how it happened. I was underweight before I left for Africa, but still in good running shape. I didn't gain weight in Africa, but I also didn't run. And then when I got back, I didn't get right back to running, and I ate a lot of pizza, but it wasn't all that out of control. But when I went for my first run back this week, I was sucking air at four miles. Not good.
- AND THEN I HAD A PANIC ATTACK ABOUT MY SCHEDULE. Literally, a breathing issue panic attack. I did my calendar, and I realized that between the time I got back from Africa and the week after New Year's, I had only two weekends where either I didn't have an out of town trip scheduled or I have people in town. One of those weekends is this weekend, and one is either the weekend of December 8th or December 17th, depending on which weekend I do "Holidays in LA." After Africa I had Halffington in town, then the eight million nieces PLUS Jess's bachelorette, this weekend is blissfully off. Then November: the first weekend Matty and Jess get married, the second weekend I am going to Vancouver, the third weekend there are LA girls in town, and the fourth weekend I'll be in New York for Thanksgiving. Then there is December: the first weekend I'll be in Texas for Paul and Kari's wedding, one of the next two weekends I'll go to LA, then I'll be home in Pittsburgh for the holidays, then I'll be in Arizona for New Year's. When I looked at that schedule, I had a panic attack. Because, if you're following, I have no down time during the week right now. There's nothing I'd want off that schedule though. So I'll just buckle down and make it happen.
Here's the most awesome thing about that schedule though. So the other day I was having lunch with this boy I really like (and who I think really likes me) and he said, "Yeah, I'm going to be out of town the next two weekends."
And I immediately made my pouty face like I was so offended that he wouldn't want to spend time with me so badly that he'd leave a weekend clear. And he looked at me like I was the world's biggest hypocrite and said, "We're both really busy people. That's how it is with people like us."
AND I TOTALLY CONTINUED TO MAKE MY POUTY FACE LIKE I WAS 100% IN THE RIGHT. Which is, you know, ha ha ha ha ha ha, because if the question had been reversed and he had asked me what my weekend plans look like in the near future, I would have been all like "Yeah, why don't you talk to me in January. That's when it looks like things clear up for me."
Awesome.
And so I am stressed. My plans this weekend involve locking my door, closing my curtains, turning off my personal phone (but leaving work phones on, sigh) and chilling out - even if chilling out means that I'm actually doing work, just doing it in the comfort of my (now clean!) home. There will be crockpot action. There will be outings to the gym. There will even be laundry (which I find peaceful and relaxing - the sound of the dryer running in the background while I look at spreadsheets). There will be reading. There will be holiday crafting. THERE WILL BE ZELDA. And by 7am on Monday morning I will be refreshed.
And by 10am on Monday morning I will be in exactly the same stressed out, maxed-out place I'm in right now!
Listen, this is me saying I love everybody, but anybody who knows me knows that I go dark in November and December, and this year will be worse because of additional factors. Don't hate. Just know that when I'm not emailing or calling, I'm wishing that I were. If you are on Facebook then you get more action from me. That's all I'm saying.
2. A Little Ditty for the Marketers: Yeah, sorry, this is only funny if you've ever run a marketing department before, but since a lot of you have...
Me So, you know, I would need the data on x as it compares to y in order to decide what I wanted to do with that situation.
Other Person Um, yeah, the only way to get that data is manually.
Me You mean, like, read it and enter it into a calculator?
Other Person Um, yeah.
Me But...but...it's housed in a database!
Other Person Yeah, but there's really no way to easily ... let me just get you a calculator.
Let me tell you, there's some automation about to happen here. I can't think of a LESS useful way to spend my time than manually transferring data.
3. A photo that makes my photos look lame: It's seriously like Mr. Holland's Opus in Pittsburgh. I'm not even joking. My little bro just out-ghetto'ed me. "Mr. J" wins. I don't even know what to do with this.
4. Car! Detailed! Yes, finally. For those of you who have been following the saga, a can of Pepsi exploded in my car earlier this summer. The car needed to be detailed before that, but after the can of Pepsi exploded, it REALLY needed to be detailed. You know how sometimes things make it on to your to do list and then just keep getting moved to the bottom because it's such a hassle?
Then a couple of months later, I accidentally left some batteries in the car during the high heat and they leaked. Then the car REALLY REALLY needed to be detailed. However, not so much, apparently, that it rallied my ass out to get it detailed.
Then LAST WEEK I was on my way to a meeting and I hadn't eaten yet so I tried to eat sushi in the car. And at a red light, I went to open the little packet of soy sauce and it exploded all over the inside of the car.
But you know what finally got me motivated to get the car detailed? My tags have been expired for OVER A MONTH NOW because I've been too lazy to get my smog check done. The last time my tags were expired I totally got pulled over for a moving violation and had to eat the other $150 fine for having expired tags. So I finally got my car into the Saturn dealership. Exciting!
And then today I mailed in the smog check and the tag registration and was so excited that those things could be moved off my to do list.
And then I got home and opened my mail, only to find out that my lack of paying attention had meant that my driver's license had expired and I forgot to renew it, so I'm now driving on a suspended license. HOT.
I am a HOT MESS people.
5. Can we talk about SMOS briefly? You know how every year around this time, when things start to get crazy busy in my world, I start this lecture about how "I REALLY need to do something to slow the pace of my life down?" And then I go into this whole inner turmoil about how I would benefit from slowing myself down, but my nature is to live fast and big and I'd hate to have missed out on any of the things I would have missed out on if I didn't live that way? Well, can I say that in many ways this year I failed to slow the pace of my life down (see the two month schedule above as Example A). However, SMOS has totally made me slow down at least a section of my life. I have the most lovely, wonderful, beautiful men in my life right now. And if I had been going at my normal pace, I'd be well ensconced in another relationship by now and would have missed out on a lot of wonderful things I've learned. So, I'm saying, SMOS is the best thing I've ever done for myself. I did have a little bout of "single insecurity" going on the other week. And Shimmy reminded me that that's the point. As she said, "You need to become secure in the insecurity." She is so zen.
Slowing my life down will, once again, be something about myself that I try to work on in 2008. The other one will be trying to be at my best even when I'm not motivated or not inspired, which is something I learned this year is a weakness of mine. That is all.
6. I went through a phase this week where... I couldn't stop lusting after Luda. Yep. Sure did. I mean, like, talking about how hot he was all day long to anybody that would listen. Then Pookie drunk IM'ed me, and he sent me a copy of "Sexy Motherfucker" by Prince. And then I couldn't decide who I thought was sexier. Here, ponder for yourself.
7. The best thing you won't hear on my public playlist this week. You won't hear it, because I can't find a copy to put on the playlist, but there's a 2 DISC cd set of mashups of Britney and/or Madonna songs that made it down the girl chain from Ang to Shimmy to me. All the mashups are good, but there are two I just leave on repeat and listen to over and over again. One is a mashup of Missy Elliot's "Pass That Dutch" with Madonna's "Holiday", and the other is a mashup of "Holiday" with D-Child's "Make Me Lose My Breath." AND THOSE TWO MASHUPS ARE SO GOOD. You should totally try to find them online somewhere if you can. I can't stop listening.
Also, why do we love D-Child? It's because of lyrics like this: "Ooh Two things I don't like when I'm trynna get my groove - Is a partner that meets me only halfway, and just can't prove - Take me out so deep when you know you can't swim- Need a lifeguard and I need protection- To put it on me deep in the right direction. Ooh You understand the facts that I'm trynna give to you- You movin' so slow like you just don't have a clue-
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