2008 Log
January - 32.5 (thank you crappy flu)
February - 33 (so that also sucked)
March - 59
April - 25.5
May - 44
June
8th - 3 miles
10th - 2 miles
11th - 10 miles
13th - 16 miles
28th - 3 miles
1. I am not a cliche...sort of. Somebody thought that she was really funny when she sent me this after I said that my psychic said that my jam for 2008 was "Unwritten." Right to hell with you, hooker. I mean that last sentence in an affectionate, "anything is possible" way.
2. I HAD been looking forward to a week of unemployment. How is it that my "to do" list is twice as long for this week? I know, I know. I'm getting PPG ready to leave in ToniK's capable hands for a month, I'm starting a consulting firm, I'm NOT IN ANYWAY READY to leave for Mongolia. Have I told you that I haven't even booked a flight home from Pennsylvania yet? My head hurts. It's 11am on a Sunday, and my head hurts already. And I probably have two full days of laundry to do. I should start that this evening.
3. FERRIS IN DA HOUSE. So, Ferris gets here Thursday for Pretty Kim's wedding. At noon. I want to say I'm going to drop him and his ladeeefriend on the Strip and come home and pack. I'm not sure if this is reality or not. But I know this ... when Ferris and I and the three fat cats are in Vegas together, we PAR-TAY.
4. A list of things that made me cry this week: Yeah, who knows. I was in crying mode this week. - Mark and Chelsea on "So You Think You Can Dance" - Katee & Joshua on "So You Think You Can Dance" - The episode of "Sex and the City" where Steve and Miranda break up - Last night's middle of the night phone message that I just can't return (sorry). You know, sometimes the people who make you feel the best are really the worst for you, and I hate that. - The car ride home from pottery when I started thinking about how I won't be in Vegas at this time next year, and this time of year is my favorite time in Vegas - The fact that I have to wait until September to see Erin - About 50 different incidents at work. Which is over Monday, so yeah! - The thought of two to three days worth of laundry.
Yes, I was having my pms week. But still...
5. But speaking of the above ... The worst thing is when one of those people who makes you feel really good but is ultimately not really good for you is one of those people you have some kind of crazy universal connection with. That's the worst, because then even though you know you need to separate out and you're doing all the right things like the no-contact rule and dating a lot so that you don't think about him and stuff like that, the universe is looking for any excuse to put you together. Like last night, you know? I got a text message in the middle of the night, and I was all thinking "I really kind of wish, even though I know it's not what I want, but if I'm being honest I wish that that were him" and then 45 minutes later he called. When that happens, it's really hard to look at your caller ID and be like "I cannot answer that no matter how much I may want to." It's never good to be at odds with what the universe wants. I'm not saying, I'm just saying. It makes it harder to do already very hard things.
For Those About to ROCK: The Annual Pilgrimage for Pookie's Birthday
I'm not sure if doing the same thing for two years in a row makes it a tradition, but I'm going with it. We've (by "we" I mean shamus and myself) all gone home for Pookie's birthday two years in a row now. So that makes it a tradition. And if we don't do it next year, it will be like, "Oh, we're breaking tradition. We have to go home for Pookie's birthday."
Also, if you would like to see my entire collection of pictures from the trip (including some by shamus and some by Pook and some by Honeydunce), click here.
And yes, there's something somewhat wrong about the idea that we've made Pookie so special that trips across the continent for his birthday are a regular event. I have no answers, per usual.
Firstly, you should know that this was the conversation about coming home for Pook's birthday.
Me So, my DUI hearing is the same day as your birthday, so I guess I'm coming in for your birthday.
Pookie Awesome. My sister is getting sober for my birthday.
Me I'm not. I'm really not.
Day One: This is AWESOME. So, I arrive Thursday night. I have breakfast with mom. I head to court to hang out with MD. Things are done. Things are not done. Things are sometimes frustrating. MD makes me laugh. I head to Pookie's house, where shamus is napping and listening TO THE MOST GOD AWFUL NOISE FUCK I HAVE EVER HEARD. shamus has apparently realized that a cab from the airport to Joel's cost $70. Ouch. He shows me gay YouTube celebrities. This is what we do.
We go to lunch. Pizza and tiny jugs of sugar, or iced tea if you prefer to call it that. We talk to an old lady about a bakery. We go to Jerry's used records. We have cupcakes. shamus cruises the around in a $300 t-shirt. I make the guy at the cupcake store listen to a five minute speech about how I wish I were bulimic because boys would like me better. Shamus does not like cripples. It's a good afternoon. Our sugar high begins to crash, though, and we want a nap, so we head back to Pookie's Hippie Shack.
And ten minutes after we nap ... the Pookie explosion busts through the door. And the world is happy. Though he needs a nap, too. So we all nap.
And then we head to dinner to meet up with Ferris and Honeydunce. There are two things you should know about dinner:
a. It is the first time that any of us are meeting Honeydunce, and while Pookie may not want to hear this, expectations are frankly low since we didn't like any of the last couple of girlfriends of his we met. Or didn't meet because they were noticeably absent at important events. And while we immediately fell in love with Honeydunce, I, in retrospect, feel badly for that poor girl. Firstly, when you put Pookie, Ferris, shamus and myself in a foursome together for the first time in over twelve months, it tends to escalate into an explosion of inappropriateness. At one point, I'll even admit, I go as far as to ask Honeydunce "On a scale of one to ten, how into my brother are you?" What's awesome about the fact that I just wrote that is that Pookie was in the bathroom when I did that and may just now be heating up in embarrassment that I did that to his girlfriend. The poor girl is literally bombarded. And I have to say, she held up like a pro. Like it didn't even phase her. She's the first one I've ever liked. She also had to put up with point "b", which is equally awesome.
b. We happen to be eating dinner in a Thai restaurant that is DIRECTLY across the street from the apartment building where shamus' uncle overdosed on heroin and died. And shamus happens to be sitting in the direction such that all through dinner what he's looking at is the apartment building where his uncle overdosed on heroin and died. For those of you who hang out with shamus and I, you know how sometimes I'll look at shamus and go, "You know, at least I think that the guy I'm dating now probably isn't going to put a shot gun in his mouth and kill himself," and then we laugh at that situation like it's funny instead of tragic because that's how we deal? Well, pretty much throughout dinner shamus would periodically say, "It's AWESOME that I'm having dinner and staring at the apartment where my uncle overdosed on heroin and died," and then we would all laugh like that situation was funny instead of tragic because what else do you do with that?
Honeydunce was a trooper. I love her.
After dinner we head to the Bloomfield Bridge Tavern where Allies has a show that night. Several awesome things, pretty much in this order, happen at the BBT.
- The Pens game is on. With just minutes to go in the third period, the Rangers come back to tie the game. The ENTIRE bar suddenly goes from moderately noisy to DEAD QUIET. Nobody is talking. There is no noise AT ALL. And then, with just a minute or so left, Crosby scores the go-ahead (and ultimately winning) goal and the place goes CRAZY. I feel entirely home.
- Honeydunce introduces me to my new favorite drink, which is vanilla vodka and pineapple juice and it tastes like a pineapple upside down cake.
- I eat six pirogies. Here is a note to self: no matter how much you may WANT the pirogies, they're not going to sit well with you after a Thai meal.
- Beautiful Kim shows up with her finance and somebody else we went to high school with. None of us remember the other kid we went to high school with, but perhaps that is because he probably wasn't hot in high school and now he is HOT.
- Andy and Fred show up and are, traditionally, Andy and Fred.
And then Allies play, and they rock. And my favorite thing about an Allies show is that Pookie spends a not insignificant amount of time playing with his back to the audience, all like "I would be rocking whether you were here or not." And Vesley, whom I hear is about to cut off the mane, hasn't cut if off yet and he lets it down for one song. And the band plays my favorite track, which is a track Pookie wrote after we got home from Hawaii for shamus' 30th birthday the other year. And teenage girls swoon and the Gods of rock smile and all is good.
And Ferris takes us home because Pookie wants to do shamus and I a "favor" by staying at Honeydunce's that night so we can have more space.
I should mention, by the way, that there has been no toilet paper at Chez Pookie since we arrived. I used the last tiny square within the first fifteen minutes. That is all.
Day Two: I got your Kayapolitan right here, and an Ass Cupcake For the record, I have nothing to do with that Ass Cupcake conversation. I am just here to relay the information.
We begin the morning by meeting up with my mother in Cal, PA. By we I mean me, Pook, Honeydunce, shamus and...Doreen Conaway. Yes, my mother's BFF was in full force too. And later in the day Janet Batemen joined us as well, so it was all kinds of generational. I don't have a lot to report because the visit was in general extremely pleasant and relaxed and my mother serves lots of food and I wash my hair over a sink which is CRAZY since she just basically installed a new shower for me and I accidentally mention that I bought cocaine off of somebody that we all know, which, you know, is problematic information on many levels. And we sit outside and it's warm and breezy and smells like fresh grass and then shamus insists on putting his balls near my face and EVERYTHING IS RUINED LIKE ALWAYS.
Though, you know, that move on his part is really only fair since in Hawaii that one time I stuck my bikini clad butt right in his face. We're even now. Here are some pictures of the day.
Joel, shamus and Honeydunce head back to nap. I take a trip to Chez Woo to visit C-Woo and Tyler and Cienna. Those kids are getting ridiculously big. Cienna is so articulate now - she can have a full conversation with you if she feels so inclined. She's also quite good at getting her way. She'll stand in front of you with a book and big eyes. If you don't read it, she'll just open the book and put it on your lap. Eventually you realize that she's headstrong like her mama and she's going to win. And Tyler is just a flirt. Who likes food. And hockey. We know which parent he takes after. And it's so nice to catch up with C-Woo because she's one of the only people I know who will listen to some of the retardo decisions I'm making right now and not just say, "You're a moron." It's almost like she expects them, which is a good and bad thing.
After that but before a non-existent nap that I had planned on, I meet up with shamus and Ferris for more cupcakes. We take our cupcakes and our coffee and go sit on the steps of a church in Squirrel Hill. I first start explaining that part of the reason that I don't move back to Pittsburgh is because of the lack of eligible men to date. I mean, I'm not going to die alone or anything because I've got some cats and some gays, but I might like to find somebody ... someday. This confession immediately turns into a fun game for the boys called "What about him?" "What about him?" sounds a lot like this:
"What about that douchebag in the track pants and sandals?"
"What about the old guy?"
"What about the punk rock teenager? Oh, wait, he's a little old by your standards."
"What about the guy with bad hygiene?"
And on and on. Then, a conversation that I don't even understand begins to happen about eating cupcakes out of asses. I mean, I don't even pretend to acknowledge what was said. That is all.
We make it back to Pookie's. There is no nap time. There is change and roll out time. So I change, and we roll out. To official birthday dinner, which is at this place.
Joining us at dinner are Moon and C-Woo. B-Funk mystically disappeared on us, but that's how he rolls.
I have many favorite parts of dinner. In no particular order:
- Well, one could not overlook the invocation of "ass cupcake" throughout the entire meal. I'm still unclear as to whether "ass cupcake" is a term of endearment or a verb. I'm not sure I want to know.
- Oh yes, Honeydunce steals Ferris' move and the unicorn is brought out in full force. That's really just funny every time. It's like the jackal, but not.
- Political debate 2008, at which point I move seats. In this argument, Moon argues, shamus may or may not argue (I couldn't tell), C-Woo tries to argue and is shut out and really they're all pretty much on the same side in the end, which is the strange part.
- "Oh, I knew your last boyfriend, I was out on the trail with him when you two were breaking up! He was pretty upset." This is by far my FAVORITE moment. It was actual perfection. If I could have reached across and kissed Moon for giving us that moment, I would have.
I'm not sure if this means that we rock, or that we're middle-aged, but we closed that tapas and martini joint DOWN.
And then ... off into the night.
The Last Morning: On a scale of one to five ... We spend the last morning before shamus and I fly out at the 61c having coffee. We play this game: "On a scale of 1 to 5, how would you rate Pookie's life so far in the category of (insert category) by the age of 31?"
Pookie doesn't like the game and decides that we ALL have to play if we're going to play.
The next category up is "fashion."
Ferris is wearing a Mac OS X t-shirt. His excuse is that he's headed home to do yard work.
Me I give Ferris a 2.5 for fashion.
Pookie I'll give him a 3.5. It makes a statement.
shamus I give him a stupid point dumb.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, pretty much sums us up. Stupid.Point.Dumb.
Till next year, when hopefully my DUI will be resolved and we once again turn Pookie's birthday into a federal holiday.
Oh goodness. I'm so underwater. How did this happen, and how did I think that going to LA this weekend was a good idea? I guess the good news is that it's only Monday and I can get caught up/ahead if I'm really committed to the idea. That said, the best I can do today is a disjointed list - number of items to be determined later.
1. Ferris and Dana: Are here, and if I didn't mention it, I love them. There are some select pictures here, and many more will be added after they download. I love that picture of them in front of the Rio sign. It'll be getting printed for framing later.
2. The Party of the Century: Honestly, could not have been more perfect. ToniK and I almost wanted to cry it went so perfectly. Our clients were amazingly impressed with us and think that we're goddesses. If you were following my Twitter stream, you got most of the highlights, but let me bullet some things out.
- Don't hate all rich folk, because some of them are wonderful. This family was wonderful. The mother arranged this entire weekend in Vegas for 20 close friends and family kept every single thing a secret about it. They didn't know where they were going or what they were doing. That's sweet. It's what I'd do if I had more money than God, too.
- We had an issue getting the stripper in the cake through the door. Then Geronimo, the guy in charge of the cake, just pushed it REALLY hard and it was fine. Also, I can now sing almost every word of Kajra Re. Word.
- We loved how at 11:00pm on a Saturday they asked us to see if we could get a VIP table at Tryst. We loved even more that we made it happen.
- If we described our Saturday night, it would sound like we didn't work, because it would sound like this "After we got them in the limos, we sat at the bar at The Eiffel Tower restaurant and each had two glasses of Geverztraminer, some escargot and some carpaccio. Then we went and hung out in their VIP area in Tryst." Let me assure you, I've managed high strung staffs and million dollar budgets. I've never worked as hard as we did during that party. I slept for a day afterwards.
3. Speaking of Staffs: Mine is so snotty. In our department meeting today, we pretty much talked about how awesome we all were and how not awesome everybody else was. I like to see that I pass my best qualities on to my employees. Sad. I need to do some self and team correction on that.
4. 50 People I Don't Want to Die Without Sleeping With: If you had a facebook account, you would have seen my list. I can't make you get one, but it was funny stuff. I suppose I could get motivated to recreate it here. I guess. It was so much work the first time though.
5. Also: Tonight I finished one of the writing projects I said I wanted to finish by the end of the summer, and when I wrote the last line, it made me cry. And I'm actually not a very good fiction writer, and this isn't even the SAD writing project that I was working on. I'm actually toying with the idea of posting some of my fiction when I leave for Uganda so that people can read it while I'm not here to deal with the knowledge that people are reading it. You like the way I'll blog about every single messy detail of my life, but ask me to show you some of my fiction and I'll hide under the couch? Because the fiction is almost more personal because the cover of fiction allows me to access things I wouldn't normally access. I don't know. We'll see.
I've actually cried a couple of times about the end of that story since I finished it. I even knew in my head how it would end, but when I actualized it, it felt so sad.
6. I Make Messes: This is a portion of a conversation that happened tonight:
Me I'm making a mess with that boy. We all know this isn't good. We all know that six months from now I'm going to have to clean up this mess I'm making. Fuckit.
Dana (insert stare of "You know what you're doing isn't good. So stop.")
Me I know. I KNOW.
I can tell you this, if you were a betting person, you could comfortably bet that this thing I'm doing right now is going to turn into a horrible mess and I'll spend the holidays either a)feeling like I am the most horrible person with zero self control or b) crying. Or both. Wagers in, please.
7. Twenty Days: In Uganda when the rest of my life stops for a while like it doesn't exist cannot come soon enough. And nothing's even bad in my life right now. I just have the itch. HOW WRONG IS THAT?
The tome of hiking stories will be forthcoming. But for now, we went to see The Bourne Ultimatum the other night. And of course I loved it. But the fact that I loved it didn't change these things.
1. Matt Damon's current asking price is $15 million per film, which means he probably made upwards of $20 million for this film. For $20 million, Matt Damon had to:
a. Recite what appears to be less than 25 full lines of dialogue. b. Hold steady with his "psychologically tortured but emotionally frigid" face for 90 minutes c. Limp excessively.
I want that job.
2. Me to Ferris: "Did you see Bourne yet?
Ferris to me: "Yes. It made me motion sick for two days."
FOR REAL. I can't even tell you what happened in a third of that movie because I was all like "Whoa! What! Car chase! Whoa!" Take your dramamine with you to the show.
3. It doesn't matter what they do in any Bourne movie from now until the end of time. There will never be a scene as brilliant as the one in the first movie where he jumps off of the spiral staircase with the dead body in front of him as a shield and then survives. That was one of the best scenes in a film EVER.
3.5. I want to have sex with Julia Stiles. That is all.
Also, while we were at the movie, I noticed the posters for The Golden Compass film adaptation. I'm so excited. Granted, even though there are witches, talking animals, armored bears and super hero children involved, I'm not sure that I understand how you take 400 pages about quantum physics, the oppressive false spirituality of organized religion, the nature of the soul, Original Sin and reincarnation in the form of the universality of all materials and turn it into 90 minutes of film. I'm sure as hell going to pay my $10 to find out though.
That's a quote from a Celine Dion song. I've been listening to Celine radio on Pandora all week, though I will not torture you with that with my top five. Here's your Friday five. Enjoy.
1. Ferris Potter: At 5:45am today, my phone text message alert beeps in. I'm like, "5:45am! That must be important." I extract myself from the comfort and warmth of my sleeping situation and dig my phone out. There are two texts. "Oh, no. What can be wrong?!"
The first text says, "I'm standing in line to get a bracelet so that I can then stand in line again to get a copy of the new Harry Potter."
The second text says, "PS - I am NOT the oldest person in line."
I roll back over, snuggle up, and go back to sleep, rolling my eyes.
I love Ferris. Muchly. Can't wait to see you guys next month.
2. Write Now: Pun intended, ha. I'm in a meeting while I'm doing this, and it's making me want to put my head through some drywall. This is painful. PAINFUL.
4. Let's Party: In case you live under a rock and didn't get my mass email, Toni and I officially launched this this week. Go tell your friends. I have to go have a cocktail while you do that...FOR WORK.
5. Songs for the Week! My head hurt this week. This music helped.
Mahalia Jackson, "Trouble of the World," because it seems like everybody has some right now. But soon it will be dawn. I'm in the most fantastically centered and happy place I've been in all year. I hope you all catch up. In the meantime, Mahalia can make you FEEL.
Spin Doctors, "What Time is It," because we were talking about them earlier, and then somebody reminded me that there's actually a THIRD Spin Doctors song that I love, and that's "What Time Is Is?" Yep. "What time is it? 4:30! It's not late! No, it's early, early, early." Welcome to my life.
TLC, "Creep," which rounds out our three week exploration of the best of TLC. Listen, this one's not so much my favorite, but Ferris and Bon Bon seem to love it, so we included it this week.
Lifehouse, "First Time," SHUT UP. Bon Bon and I have been listening to this all week. You won't mock. You'll enjoy. At least it's more than you and me and all other people.
Irma Thomas, "Don't Look Down," my new cautionary song to people. And who doesn't love Irma Thomas? It's never fun when, eventually, you pay for what you've done.
5a. While We're At It: In case I didn't inspire you to get your booty over to You Tube and look up some more Flight of the Conchords stuff, here's the other really, really funny one. Called "Part Time Model." Enjoy.
So for a couple of days now, I've been trying to put a real journal entry together about my trip home to Pennsylvania to spend time with my mother, the Woodalls and Ferris for his big birthday (age STILL undisclosed)...and, of course, Pookie, Dana and Jai. And the thing is, I haven't been able to do it. There are dozens of stories that are funny to me, and funny to the people there, but they won't be funny to you. You know, because they're the kind of stories that are funny because all of the people involved know all of the history behind them, or are emotionally intimate enough to understand the laughter. So while the trip was amazing and perfect, it wouldn't be funny to anybody but us. But for those of us who participated, let us just take a moment and remember:
- Larry using a Buffalo Wild Wings as a locational reference point to guide me somewhere - "I thought taking a walk to the park would be nice." - "So what if I don't have a cell phone - I WAS THE FIRST ONE TO DINNER." - BIG TIME - "Clyde is here, Ferris. Brokeback it up for your birthday, baby." - Japanese food and the missing server. - Bar Louie and how somebody thought his move was to let that hobag walk in front of him and steal the table that should have rightfully been ours. - BIG TIME - "Did you know that your mother was in Guadalajara?" - MORE BIG TIME - "I'm so glad that cell phones were invented so that, while we're all here spending time together, you all can be texting other people who are NOT here." - "Let's make some MySpace magic tonight." - "Counting every blade of grass, taking a stand, starting a revolution." - FANTASTIC cocktails at the Shady Grove - Making ourselves sick with more food and booze at Gullifty's. I mean, like, SICK. - Larry wishing Ferris a happy birthday by telling him about his sweaty ass - My mom's cooking, including her attempt to lame out on stuffed mushrooms by microwaving them, to which we responded, "That's bullshit. Turn the oven on." - My mom's face when the question "Did you know that your mom is in Guadalajara?" was asked. - BIG TIME and BIG JIM - Snowballing. Don't even bother asking. - Jukeboxes - "Everything is definitely cool."
I love you mom, Pookie, Ferris, Dana, Candy, Larry, Jai. Thank you for such a wonderful set of perfect moments. You can see all of the pictures here, but here are my favorites for reference.
Don't you wish you could rock to ANY music? Even the servers singing at Yokoso?
Dinner. Good Times.
Much like The Jackal, where there is bottled beer, The Unicorn will appear.
Ferris, I guess we'll have to buy it. Then load it on a flatbed truck and take it on a cross country roadtrip called "Go West, Big Jim< -- Go West."
Now, all we need is $10,000 each......
To which Ferris replied:
We'll cross the country with it, finding out a lot about ourselves and America along the way. Finally, upon arriving in San Francisco, Big Jim becomes a gay icon, but during its triumphant (yet ill advised) parade down Lombard Street it teeters over and kills Joel. James, in a fit of anger, curses the day the steel giant was ever created; the statue gains sentience and in a fit of remorse, throws itself into the Bay. It is never seen again, and James ends his days working in a coal mine.
And so on Saturday we're sitting at my mom's house and we're all like, "Hey, Ferris, what do you want to do today for your birthday?"
And he's all like, "I want to go find the Big Jim statue and worship it."
Surely he did. So first we drive to where the Big Jim statue originally lived hoping, beyond hope, that perhaps he had not been moved yet. He had been moved. We then drive all the way through Charleroi, the town where Big Jim had resided, to see if he had been moved to a central park area or something. We have no luck.
I wrote that last paragraph like driving through Charleroi took us hours, but in reality driving through the entire length of Charleroi takes less than 10 minutes. At the end, disheartened and sad, we pull over to the Cougar Mini Mart. What shall we do? Almost twenty minutes into our quest, we've failed to find Big Jim.
So, the average age of a citizen of Jesus Land in Western Pennsylvania is about 115 years old. Pookie and I roll into the Cougar Mart (named, by the way, for the team mascot at the local high school) to ask if anybody knows where Big Jim is. There are two people in the Cougar Mart. The woman behind the counter (balding) and the woman buying her lottery tickets (old). We get in line to ask our question. It's at that point, that the woman buying the lottery tickets realizes that one of her FIFTEEN LOTTERY TICKETS has been misprinted not using the super secret lottery number that she wanted. What do you do in this situation if you are the lottery ticket purchaser or the woman behind the counter? Do you say to the old lady and her lotto tickets, "Just give me one moment to help those two people standing behind you and then we'll work out." NO! You proceed to spread ALL FIFTEEN LOTTERY TICKETS OUT ON THE COUNTER and then start tediously going through them with the old woman while Pookie and I stand there with our mouths open.
Fortunately, at that moment, a man who was roughly 115 years old and holding a respirator in his hand comes in and gets in line behind us.
Pookie to Said Man Have you lived here your whole life?
And at the time, it was a nice intro, though, you know, OBVIOUSLY. The man explains to us that the Big Jim statue has been moved to Bentleyville. We return to the car to suggest a trip to Bentleyville. Ferris is like, "Do we really want to drive all the way to Bentleyville?"
Again, this is said like this is some kind of trek. IT'S A TEN MINUTE DRIVE. We, of course, begin this ten minute drive with Ferris pulling his hybrid out in front of an 18-wheeler that was speeding down the highway at 80 miles an hour and literally CAME WITHIN FEET OUR OUR BUMPER. Ferris' response to this?
"This may be it, people."
I mean, and really, we were pretty close to death there.
And we turn into Bentleyville, and...THERE'S BIG JIM. In a park? No! In a town square? No! On a pastoral hill somewhere? No!
IN FRONT OF THE BENTLEYVILLE BEST WESTERN. You know it. You can't even take a picture of this piece of history without a Best Western sign in front of it.
You can see all of the pictures here. And you should look at them. But here are my four favorites:
Big Jim: Ass Up to the Sunlight
Ladies love Big Jim.
Gunslingers!
Go West, bitches.
I end with a haiku.
Big Jim. Such a man. Balls of steel. Literally. Bentleyville icon.
1. Uganda is KILLING me already. Oh My God. Have you ever tried to book a flight to Entebbe? WTF? Two days of air time through Amsterdam. Buy a small library before you leave, but make sure it's all crap because you don't want to haul that stuff home with you. Unreal. Don't worry, Lis! I have it under control, especially since I can't get a replacement passport without a travel itinerary. Thanks US government! Oh, yes, did I mention I've lost my passport and now must get a re-issue? Expedited, even! Like, months ago, I was like, "You know, I'm not sure I know where my passport is." Yep. Totally lost. I wake up in the middle of the night looking for it. Can't find it. Awesome.
2. Everybody's Blogging These Days: My stuff is trite. Go read something valuable. - Read about San Francisco's hip-as-hell band scene at World Famous in San Francisco. - Or, read about a man with a perfect life and some 18th century aesthetics who save the universe at The Applesauce Blog. - Or read about parenting, politics and the life changing power of the desert at Ocotillos and Politics.
Let me save you the trouble. Ocotillos is a stunningly beautiful red desert plant.
3. Make sure you read the entry BELOW this one: Otherwise don't blame me when you log on and this site is full of pictures of my boobs.
4. Kelly Clarkson: Chick who says "Fuck the man, I know what's right for me" or "Girl on the way to a slow-roll, Britney-like implosion?" Discuss.
5. So the long one is for last, right? As Candy would put it, I've rounded the good bend. And so the other day, I caught myself saying that it was June already, and the first half of my year had bit it big time. And then I really thought about it, and that's so untrue. I had all of these amazing experiences in the first six months of this year. I had several wonderful, blissful girls' nights out, both in Manhattan Beach and Las Vegas with cocktails to die for and Willie Nelson wigs and twins and the Imperial Palace and uninhibited fun with women you trust. I saw Chuck and Luci for the first time in years. Tyler came into my life. shamus and I got to troll around Pittsburgh while I looked like a homeless crack addict buying $5 cupcakes and calling Moon cute. Dana and I had a steak dinner and sent Ferris camera-phone pictures of the food he was missing out on every five minutes. Pookie turned 30 and a bunch of people I love all had beer in a church, wine in a vegan cafe and hard liquor in a karaoke gay club. I ran a marathon with two of my favorite people, and I'll never forget the sight of the mountains that morning. I had many happy nights watching 90210. I rocked a red drag dress on my birthday and got fed lemon pie. I got to spend an entire week with Ashleypooh, Toni and Emma now that they're all grown up and super fantastic women. I was loved and felt love for this wonderful group of people who make up my life. I started a new business that some of the most awesome marketers in Vegas believe in. I went to the Rose Bowl. Sanjaya Malakar. Elliot Yamin. Ryan Shaw. A crazy amount of wonderful new people coming into my life and teaching me so much. And, fuck it, let's throw New Year's Day into the mix, because that was pretty special and I'll hold on to that one no matter what.
And I was really like, fuck it. Sure, I cried more in the first six months of the year than I have in the last six years, period. But even with all that, I still had an awesome life. The truth is, there were enough other things that made me laugh that I probably laughed as much as I cried over the last six months. I'm just used to not crying at all. In the end, I have to refuse to let the way that person treated me define what should have gotten logged as a great six months. How many people would kill for all of those blessings, right? Crazy. How did I lose so much perspective on it?
That said, just to cover my bases, the second half of the year has been intentionally structured to kick your ass: home for the Fourth of July, summiting Mt. Whitney, Uganda with at least one and hopefully two of my best friends, rocking this new business, and you don't even want to know about this year's Christmas project which is the most heartfelt thing I've ever made you all.
For a pretty much unedited look at Pookie's birthday weekend, you can hit up Flickr and check the set. But I'm giving you my five favorite photos below!
The now traditional event photo with "Fran," if that is in fact his real name.
Really, this photo tells you everything you need to know about mine and Pookie's relationship.
There is only one word for this photo. And that word is "M.A.N.L.Y"
Joey V is like an arrow in motion to the speakeasy.
We call this our "sitcom" photo, because it's the kind of photo that happens at the end of the intro credits to any sitcom with an ensemble cast...you know, how at the end of the credits the cast of friends or family all tumbles gleefully onto a couch where they smile about their wacky lives that always end perfectly happily? That's this photo.
But I Have MySpace! The first of the key IM conversations happens with Ferris. You may think we are both smart, articulate people, but we spent an hour on Wednesday IMing about Jennifer Lopez and Sanjaya Malakar. And then this happened.
Ferris What were our parents doing at our age?
Me My mom was pregnant with Pookie when she was my age.
(pause)
Me Yep. Pretty much at my age my mother had babies, and I have ... MySpace.
(And for the record, this exchange is much funnier if you could hear Ferris' response, but I pretty sure it's not approved for posting.)
GO DEVILS. I have a friend (or many, but this is in reference to one specific one). We don't speak all that often, but I adore him. I'm not about to stroke his ego and list the specific things that I adore about him, but to understand what happens next you need to understand that one of the things that I adore about him is the dynamic he provides me with. So the thing about him is that he can push my buttons in .004 seconds flat. Often, he does it entirely unintentionally. Sometimes, he does it to amuse himself. Sometimes, he actually gets me worked up and defensive about things we share the same opinion on. Rarely, but not never, he does it and then stifles a smirk as I go into hyper mode and sound like this: "What are you saying? What are you saying? What are you saying? I can't believe you just said that. But, but, but..." Other people, people who are related to me, people who have dated me, have all commented the following, "Man, he can push your buttons faster than anybody I've ever seen."
And here is the kicker. Many people would describe me as a button pusher myself. But this particular person seems to be impervious to my efforts to get him worked up. I throw things out there to try and prod at him, and it's like I'm throwing a big foam softball that he takes a whack at with a tennis racket and it comes back and hits me in the face and suddenly I'm all like "What are you saying? What are you saying? What are you saying? I can't believe you just said that. But, but, but..." And I have always appreciated about this person that my attempts to push at buttons roll off his shoulders and yet, somehow, he can get a reaction out of me by giving me a sideways look. I appreciate the change up in my daily dynamic.
Until yesterday.
Yesterday, I am eating a burrito and doing my taxes and I look at my Gmail Chat and notice that said person has changed his status indicator to cheer for the New Jersey Devils, in almost direct contrast to my Gmail Chat status indicator that was rallying for the Pens. And yes, yes, this is a discussion of an event that was launched by status indicators in Gmail Chat. And so I change my status indicator to tell him to live in the now with the team of the future, and he changes his to remind me that only one of those two hockey teams "knows how to win championships." And I'm all like, "That's so cute. He felt like playing via Gmail Chat." And I go back to eating my burrito and being horrified at how many line items on my 2006 credit card statements are literally for slurpees from 7-11. And then...
The chat window opens, and paragraphs, PARAGRAPHS, start rolling in about the New Jersey Devils and their apparent superiority over all other NHL teams, EVER. I am so shocked by the deluge of PARAGRAPHS of impassioned Devils adoration that I actually slide my chair back from my desk in physical shock. Holding my burrito in one hand and my 1099 itemized sheet in the other, I occasionally begin to slide my chair back towards the desk to hazard a response, but as soon as I do, there is another PARAGRAPH about how the NHL changed the rules to try to bring the Devils down and the Devils still kept on winning, or about how they're a true team and not a bunch of individuals, or how they have the greatest goalie to ever play the game (Uh, Patrick Waugh, anybody?) ... and more! And it just kept going! The paragraphs came so quickly I couldn't even keep up with reading them. And, I have to say, I know this person to have great passion, but I have never seen him express such deep passion as he did for the New Jersey Devils during this IM exchange.
And for a moment, I am...triumphant! That's right. Three years later, I manage to push a button that causes him to stop in the middle of his work day and set me straight about my misguided hockey beliefs. In my head, as I was carefully sliding my chair back towards my desk, waiting to see what would happen next, I envisioned what this must look like. What joy I would see if I were able to be in two places at once and watch this go down. His furiously fast typing into the tiny Gmail chat box while hunched over the keyboard in the midst of fiery emotion. Red laser beams shooting out from behind very sexy, thin-rimmed intellectual glasses. Quickened breathing. A half-eaten take-out container of nachos abandoned while he ferociously puts me in my place about the special place in hockey hierarchy that the New Jersey Devils have reserved for them.
AND EVEN IF THAT IS NOT HOW IT WAS, YOU WILL LET ME HAVE THIS ONE. YOU HAVE DESTROYED ENOUGH ILLUSIONS FOR ME. LET ME HAVE THIS.
I'm going into the neutral corner for now. Go Sharks.
And, finally, this sexiness
DCWP I'm currently at the Midwest Political Science Association's annual meeting.
Me I can't think of anything that sounds like a sexier gathering than the Midwest Political Science Association's annual meeting. I need to go shower about now just to cool down.
DCWP If i told you the title of my paper was "BRAC ATTACK: The Politics of Military Base Closings" would that make you even hotter?
Me I'm quite sure I wouldn't even be able to handle it. Now go find me a nice academic husband while you're there. Somebody whose paper is on something unbearably sexy like the politics of agricultural subsidies or re-inventing voting laws though a return to town hall meetings.
There were so many things that made me laugh this week. I'm not sure if it's the stress relief of having the Super Bowl over or the freedom of being able to let go of some things I was holding on to or just that people were funnier than usual this week, but I laughed a lot this week.
And also, just to get it out of the way and save me some emailing, birthday weekend San Francisco flights have been booked: Arriving Friday, 2/23 into OAK at noon Leaving Monday, 2/26 at 4:00pm
The First Thing That Made Me Laugh: Ferris' Masterpiece on Wikipedia For whatever reason, at midnight Ferris was crusing wikipedia, and he found this entry for "Pittsburgh Left." (this is not the funny part)
Unsatisified with that entry and its justification for a basically illegal driving move, Ferris does his own edit, which you can read here. (this is not the funny part).
What is funny is that in the process of creating those entries, Ferris also contributed what may be the most relevent, important wikipedia entry ever. I give you the wikipedia entry for Bitch Move.
The Second Thing That Made Me Laugh: K-Rock Having to Listen to Country Pop in the Office ToniK is out of the office this week, which makes Bon Bon and I the only full-time people in our specific office, and K-Rock is here half days. Now, somehow, Bon Bon and I think that because of this, we get to control the music now that ToniK is not here. Bon Bon and I both like our country pop, but normally we're not allowed to play it because it makes ToniK's head explode in fire.
So this exchange goes down...
Leanne Rhymes "Nothing About Love Makes Sense" cycles through the play list.
Bon Bon I LOVE THIS SONG!
Me I LOVE THIS SONG.
K-Rock (insert sound of deafening silence)
Me I'm sorry, K-Rock. I'm extra sorry because Garth Brooks is next on the play list.
K-Rock (insert some kind of snort or something)
Bon Bon DON'T HATE! I OWN THE GARTH BROOKS BOX SET. I OWN THE GARTH BROOKS AS CHRIS GAINES CD.
Me Oh girl. The Chris Gaines cd? That's not okay, even by me.
K-Rock (insert some kind of snort or something)
The Third Thing That Made Me Laugh This Week: 90210 And not just that episode where Dylan and Brenda fall in love. There's also the next episode where Kellie tearfully tells us all about her rape and then the girls completely cure another girl with an eating disorder by playing truth or dare at a sleepover. I'm not joking.
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