10 Ways to Get Your Shit Blocked from my Facebook News Feed

Listen, before we even begin this, I want to say upfront that I am far from a perfect Facebook status updater, and I am sure I am blocked from some of my friends' news feeds, particularly because I am a chronic offender of item number four in this list.

But right, so the other week I was home for the holidays. And I was talking to an old high school friend with whom I am friends on Facebook. She mentioned something that had happened in her life, and then proceeded to say "But I'm sure you already saw that on Facebook." I squirmed uncomfortably, and after trying unsuccessfully to play it off like I knew what she was talking about, I admitted that I had her updates blocked from my news feed on Facebook. She was offended, and yes, this entire conversation is absurd. But at this point I accept that Facebook inclusion is a big part of the ball of love that is how friendships are defined. So I explained to her why I had blocked her, which frankly didn't make the situation any better. And now, for complete clarity, I will list the 10 things that will get your ass removed from my Facebook news feed (and probably a lot of others).

1. "I Love You Baby"
Oh my god. These are the worst. Now, we all know that at this particular moment in life I would really like to find a good relationship, and perhaps even occasionally trade sweetness on Facebook. HOWEVER, once your Facebook status updates start to look like this, you have an issue:

Status Update: I'm on my way to Wal-Mart!
Comment from Significant Other: I luv u 4ever. I can't wait to see you! You're the most amazing woman ever.

Status Update: Just stopped at Starbucks! Try the new Sumatra!
Comment from Significant Other: I can't wait until you get back from Starbucks! You're amazing! We can share coffee! I luv u 4ever and ever.

Status Update: Staying home to watch movies with Significant Other.
Comment from Significant Other: IT'S GOING TO BE THE BEST EVENING. I luv u so much. I love our life. I love how you make our life. You're an amazing woman.

(insert variations of the above for an ENTIRE PAGE).

I'm not making those up, by the way. They're pretty darn close to a real life example. Listen, we're all glad for your happiness and your ability to freely express that happiness on FACEBOOK. But NOBODY WANTS TO LOG ON TO FACEBOOK AND SEE THIS SHIT ALL DAY LONG. Get a room. Get a cell phone. Get something. By day four of this nonsense, BLOCKED.

2. Telling Me About Your Child's Potty Training
The caveat is that if you do this once, and you do it in an amusing way where it's like "Ha, ha, it's so cute, my kid can use a can now, big moment!" that's cool. The other caveat is that if your Facebook friends list is made up ENTIRELY of other mothers who will find the progress of your child's potty training fascinating, then this is cool. Go for it.

But unless you have a flair for writing that will make potty training updates into a hilarity of a literary masterpiece, or if I'm nowhere on your Facebook friends list (by which I mean you truly do have a list full of mothers), then PLEASE DO NOT GIVE ONGOING STATUS UPDATES ON YOUR CHILD'S POTTY TRAINING. Nobody wants to know about "almost" or "switched to pull ups" or how proud you are in the miracle moment that your child uses the potty for the first time, delivered in five poetic status updates in sequence as the child realizes the power of the potty and then uses it and then smiles impishly up at you afterward. SERIOUSLY. Do this more than once? BLOCKED.

3. Jesus is the Reason
It's not like I've never thrown my own personal life philosophy at you in a Facebook status update. And it's not really like I have a problem with the occasional reference to God or Buddha or Jesus or the Goddess or scripture or what have you in your status updates. Sometimes, in fact, it's quite refreshing and gives a good reason to pause and think during the day.

Where we, however, begin to run into a problem is when you're updating five times a day telling me what Jesus would do in any given situation. Firstly, why? Much like plastic Virgin Mary and her light up camel outside of a fire hall are not going to convert anybody to Christianity, your five status updates per day about the glory of your Lord or the teachings of ancient shamanism are not going to convert me (or anybody else). In addition to which, it's annoying.

We have church for a reason. We have many, many internet groups who will happily talk about religion with you ALL DAY LONG. I'm happy for your personally close and satisfying relationship with your God. I'm even happy to sometimes hear about it and discuss it with you. If I wanted to be preached to, however, there are five churches within a 10 minute walk of my place. And if you want to be a preacher, I suggest you get ordained and get a job somewhere where you flock can find you THAT IS NOT FACEBOOK. It's easy to get ordained. $25 and an internet connection is all you need. But if your Facebook status updates start reading like Sunday's church follow along pamphlet regularly, BLOCKED.

4. Chronic Drunk Updating
Ok, listen. Clearly, this is not going to get you blocked from MY Facebook wall. But it is going to get you blocked from a lot of other people's Facebook walls, so if you're going to participate, be aware.

I understand (intimately) how it happens. You're out, having a good time, loaded. Nobody has smartly removed your phone from your possession yet. You're set up on Facebook mobile, and you want to share your drunken happiness with the WORLD (or at least the 250 people who make up your Facebook world). Understandable! Share the love!

But much like somebody should take your keys from you around drink number three or four, somebody should probably take your Smart Phone from you around the same time (this also has the added benefit of reducing your drunk dial propensity!). And here's the thing, you'll probably be grateful for this later. Because sometime in the future, you'll go back and re-read your old Facebook posts and find those old updates and possibly wish that they weren't there for the world to see. I actually found one in which I updated Facebook on my way to a Vegas hotel room to have dirty, one-night-stand, Vegas sex in which I announced on Facebook that I was headed to said Vegas hotel room to have dirty, one-night-stand, Vegas sex. And I had a moment that I was unfamiliar with, which may have been embarrassment, when I re-read that.

Don't Drink and Drive. Don't Drink and Dial. Don't Drink and Text. And for goodness sake, don't drink and Facebook status update because those updates last FOREVER and are the property of Facebook. And also because if you do, for many people it will mean BLOCK.

5. Ultra Tragic Status Updates Designed as Cries for Attention
We all have our various ways of crying out for help, it's true. However, I don't think that way needs to be via your Facebook status update. If your life is really so bad that five times a day you need to update your Facebook status with a new moaning update about how your brain is confused and your heart is broken and you don't know what direction to go and you feel unloved and unpretty and unwanted and unsmart, then YOU SHOULD BE IN THERAPY, NOT IN FRONT OF YOUR LAPTOP. We all have bad days, and sometimes we express them on Facebook, to our 250 closest friends. And that's cool. But when your Facebook page starts reading like a "dialogue" page from "Vampire Diaries" or "Twilight", BLOCKED.

6. Ultra Tragic Hypocritical Updates Designed as Cries for Attention
But this, this is even worse than the plain old tragic update designed as a cry for attention! This is where you update your Facebook status to let us all know how miserable your life is, and then two hours later you update again in a moment of cluelessness with something that clearly alerts the rest of us that we've been suckers for falling for your act. It goes something like this.

Update #1: I haven't been paid in three weeks, I'm about to lose my job. Nobody is hiring and my current boss is an asshole. I'm about to lose everything I've worked for.
Update #2 (about 2 hours later): I know what I need! A great night out with a great band! I'm looking for Motley Crue tickets for Friday. Anybody got any? I don't want to pay more than $100 for two!

I didn't make that up, by the way.

Or this one.

Update #1: I dont' know what's wrong with me. I just can't get my life together. I feel like my brain and my body are in a constant argument.
Update #2 (about 2 hours later): I'm heading to the old port to go boozing again!

I didn't make that one up either.

Do it once, and I'll chalk it up to a bad day. After that? BLOCKED.

7. The Barrage of the Facebook Game Apps
Ok. I've sent a good karma or two on Facedbook during my day. Apps are not the issue. Please, use as many apps as you want. It drives Facebook traffic which thus drives revenue which thus allows us all to waste hours of our days on Facebook without paying a fee. And I don't mind going in once and blocking Bejeweled Blitz or iHeart from my news feed.

But it's when your Facebook existence makes you an app junkie that we start to have a problem. Once you're using Bejeweled + iHeart + Good Karma + Casino Games + Farmville + Fishville + Bingo Madness + Ask Karen Walker + Friend Quizzes + this weeks pass along app, then we have a problem. Because I can't keep up with you. My desire to keep my news feed free of annoying app updates can't keep up with how many of them I have to block from you, so I just.block.you.

You could solve this, you know. Don't be deluded into thinking that anybody cares about every Lexulous score you have, or wants to know how many sheep you saved from your virtual farm today. We don't. You can choose to not have those updates published to your friends news feeds. You should do that. Because if you don't, and you're app happy, BLOCKED.

8. The Micro Update Update/Over Integration of Your Twitter
This one is simple. If your Facebook status feed for the day, EVERY DAY, reads like this:

- Got up. What a great/crappy/gray/sunshine filled morning!
- Kid is off to school! Now it's time for me to get ready for work!
- Hey! We're out of coffee! Now that's a bummer!
- Made it to Starbucks! Whew! What a relief! Double caramel latted! lol! Right to my hips! lol
- Man! Traffic!
- Talked to JoeBob at the water cooler! I'm going to win the office pool hands down!
- Headed to lunch! Gotta love the McDonald's value meal! Right to my hips! lol
- Just read an email from Mary Jane. Tooooo funny!
- Looks like it might rain tonight! Hope everybody drives safely!
- Only two hours left! Can't wait till five o'clock!
- It's quitting time! Pack it up and head it home!
- Stopped at the grocery store! So crowded in there! Remind me never to shop for dinner on the way home again!
- Kids aren't home from school yet! Sports practice! Thank God I have some time to myself!
- Family dinner was great! Now off to homework!
- Are you watching "Two and a Half Men?" We are! Toooo funny! lol
- Time to put the kids to bed! Then...a glass of red wine! Straight to my head! lol
- What a long day! Ready for bed! Goodnight friends!

Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Every day you want me to read fifteen status updates on the exact status of your life, play-by-play? SERIOUSLY? Fucking seriously? You are ... BLOCKED.

9. If I Wanted To be Your Kids Friend, I'd Be Your Kids Friend on Facebook
This should in no way imply that I, or anybody else, doesn't want to hear about your kids, or see photos of your kids, or know about cool things that your kids did. I love that stuff. Especially because I'm far away from many of my friends who have kids and Facebook is the only way to keep up to date on them. But let me be clear...

I am your friend, and as a result your Facebook friend, because I think that you, the adult, the person, the non-child, is interesting and good. And I would ever so occasionally like to read a status update about how you are feeling, or what you are thinking, or your opinion on something. As soon as your Facebook status feed becomes a running update of your child, I lose interest (and so do a lot of people), because I am not the child's parent, or grand parent, or god parent. I am your friend. YOUR friend. And because your child is important to you, your child is important to me. But not so important that I'm going to read a week's worth of status updates about your kid. I'm not. As soon as your status feed becomes a daily ode to the activities of your child...BLOCKED.

10. Bitter Break Up Updates
Ok. Again, in fairness, this won't necessarily get you blocked immediately. In fact, I'll probably be highly entertained for at least a week. Particularly the part where you inevitably make-up and break-up a couple of times and change your relationship status FOR THE WHOLE WORLD TO SEE over and over again.

See my relationship status? See how it says single? That's what it's going to say until there is a ring on my finger (which probably means it will say that until the end of time) because YOU DO NOT NEED TO KNOW EVERY TIME I CHANGE RELATIONSHIPS. Much like you don't need to hear me venting for months on end, back and forth, via my status update, about what a tool my last boyfriend or guy I dated or guy I went on one date with was. There are things we force other people to experience with us via the Facebook status update, and there are things we should sort out on our own. If you chronically make me suffer through your breakups with you, then that's a problem because I have enough of my own to deal with. BLOCKED.

Bonus ways to get blocked from the news feed:
a. Repeated shirtless pictures of you flexing in front of your mirror - it's not about your sexuality, dude. It's about my not wanting to look at you shirtless, oiled up, and flexing.
b. Repeated talk of scrapbooking (SHIM-COXHILL, I'm talking to you, sister)
c. Ongoing references to new age movements, manifesting, or "The Secret". Shit. Seriously, forget the "ongoing." Do it once, I've probably dropped you from my friends list immediately.
d. Three Words: Sarah Palin Quotes (that's played out, guys)

So, I think that's it. For now. I'm sure there are other news feed blocking problems out there. I'm just not aware of them. Or of how I'm probably breaking them. I'm probably a pretty annoying Facebook status updater. You probably have me blocked right now. It's the drunk updates, isn't it?

 

Like Xtina Said...

It will be dirty.

I leave manana for the YVR, and though it is a work trip, it always gets really dirty when we're up there. I'm exhausted before even having left. Here are ten quick things.

1. I have brought three Christmas gifts and all of my cards are addressed. Next week, we address envelopes for the CHRISTMAS LETTER THAT BETTER BE GETTING WRITTEN RIGHT NOW BECAUSE YOU TOTALLY COMMITTED TO BEFORE THANKSGIVING and five more gifts.

2. I almost had a heart attack when Jennie Garth was in the bottom two tonight.

3. I have a long entry about Pittsburgh and home. I may or may not have time to write it on the plane.

4. I am still stressed! It's still out of control here!

5. I'm not sure why it's this effing hard to get organized about what hotel people are staying at for that wedding in Austin. I'm really at a loss. No joke. I'm having conversations with five different people, all of whom are staying at different locations.

6. I haven't been on Facebook or MySpace for more than 15 minutes in over two days. I sent out about two tweets yesterday. That is how underwater I am.

7. I do not want what I have not got. Except that I would like four more hours in a day and Supernatural: Season 2.

8. Maks is my boyfriend. I have inappropriate thoughts about him all the time. Yum.



9. HellDamn, it's that time of year.

10. I'll catch you all on the flip from Vancouver. If I make it out of there alive. Remember how there was that story from the last time I was there about Halff actually thinking there may have been an earthquake? Here's hoping I match that. And also, let's be real, you know how I feel about Canadian Boys.

Or maybe you don't know that story. Believe it or not, some stories are even too inappropriate for here.

 

And...GO! A Friday Ten In Which I Give Up on the Rest of the Year

Ha! Do you like how I stopped the Africa updates right before the three single best days of the trip (lions, gorillas and zebras?). I actually have a rare 20 minutes of down time right now when I should be trying to clean out my inbox, but let's just update instead. There are many, many things going on right now.

1. I LOVE STRESS: I mean, I probably don't love the way that it ages me, but I do thrive on it. The good thing about the current levels of stress is that it comes at a time of year when I habitually get manic anyway. I'm averaging about 4 hours of sleep a night right now. You would think that with 20 hours of awake time a day I'd have time to answer people's emails or return phone calls or not bail on social engagements. Ha! Here's what I'm balancing right now:

- A stressful job transition that's also resulted in some bad mojo for some people who work/ed with me. So I'm basically working about 12 hours a day, on a good day. Literally, my day starts at 7:30am. Around 4pm, I go to the gym for a couple of hours, and then around 7pm I start working again. Usually until around midnight.

- November is NOT party season in Vegas, but we're determined to make our revenue goal, so finding people who want to party in Vegas during one of the months of the year when NOBODY parties in Vegas is hard.

- You know it - it's holiday season. I have a shopping list of 120 people plus a card list of about 300, and you know that the majority of that card list gets that custom, special letter that Pookie and I do together which is 3x the work of a card and 10x the expense of a card. And you also know that of that 120 people a lot of them get things that I make, and though I made 35 of something during the summer, that's still a lot to do. The good news is that I have "the spreadsheet" completed. The bad news is that I also have three months of late birthday presents that need to be sent out as well. Viva!

- I AM OUT OF SHAPE: Which means I'm running like a beast. I'm not sure how it happened. I was underweight before I left for Africa, but still in good running shape. I didn't gain weight in Africa, but I also didn't run. And then when I got back, I didn't get right back to running, and I ate a lot of pizza, but it wasn't all that out of control. But when I went for my first run back this week, I was sucking air at four miles. Not good.

- AND THEN I HAD A PANIC ATTACK ABOUT MY SCHEDULE. Literally, a breathing issue panic attack. I did my calendar, and I realized that between the time I got back from Africa and the week after New Year's, I had only two weekends where either I didn't have an out of town trip scheduled or I have people in town. One of those weekends is this weekend, and one is either the weekend of December 8th or December 17th, depending on which weekend I do "Holidays in LA." After Africa I had Halffington in town, then the eight million nieces PLUS Jess's bachelorette, this weekend is blissfully off. Then November: the first weekend Matty and Jess get married, the second weekend I am going to Vancouver, the third weekend there are LA girls in town, and the fourth weekend I'll be in New York for Thanksgiving. Then there is December: the first weekend I'll be in Texas for Paul and Kari's wedding, one of the next two weekends I'll go to LA, then I'll be home in Pittsburgh for the holidays, then I'll be in Arizona for New Year's. When I looked at that schedule, I had a panic attack. Because, if you're following, I have no down time during the week right now. There's nothing I'd want off that schedule though. So I'll just buckle down and make it happen.

Here's the most awesome thing about that schedule though. So the other day I was having lunch with this boy I really like (and who I think really likes me) and he said, "Yeah, I'm going to be out of town the next two weekends."

And I immediately made my pouty face like I was so offended that he wouldn't want to spend time with me so badly that he'd leave a weekend clear. And he looked at me like I was the world's biggest hypocrite and said, "We're both really busy people. That's how it is with people like us."

AND I TOTALLY CONTINUED TO MAKE MY POUTY FACE LIKE I WAS 100% IN THE RIGHT. Which is, you know, ha ha ha ha ha ha, because if the question had been reversed and he had asked me what my weekend plans look like in the near future, I would have been all like "Yeah, why don't you talk to me in January. That's when it looks like things clear up for me."

Awesome.

And so I am stressed. My plans this weekend involve locking my door, closing my curtains, turning off my personal phone (but leaving work phones on, sigh) and chilling out - even if chilling out means that I'm actually doing work, just doing it in the comfort of my (now clean!) home. There will be crockpot action. There will be outings to the gym. There will even be laundry (which I find peaceful and relaxing - the sound of the dryer running in the background while I look at spreadsheets). There will be reading. There will be holiday crafting. THERE WILL BE ZELDA. And by 7am on Monday morning I will be refreshed.

And by 10am on Monday morning I will be in exactly the same stressed out, maxed-out place I'm in right now!

Listen, this is me saying I love everybody, but anybody who knows me knows that I go dark in November and December, and this year will be worse because of additional factors. Don't hate. Just know that when I'm not emailing or calling, I'm wishing that I were. If you are on Facebook then you get more action from me. That's all I'm saying.

2. A Little Ditty for the Marketers: Yeah, sorry, this is only funny if you've ever run a marketing department before, but since a lot of you have...

Me
So, you know, I would need the data on x as it compares to y in order to decide what I wanted to do with that situation.

Other Person
Um, yeah, the only way to get that data is manually.

Me
You mean, like, read it and enter it into a calculator?

Other Person
Um, yeah.

Me
But...but...it's housed in a database!

Other Person
Yeah, but there's really no way to easily ... let me just get you a calculator.

Let me tell you, there's some automation about to happen here. I can't think of a LESS useful way to spend my time than manually transferring data.

3. A photo that makes my photos look lame: It's seriously like Mr. Holland's Opus in Pittsburgh. I'm not even joking. My little bro just out-ghetto'ed me. "Mr. J" wins. I don't even know what to do with this.



4. Car! Detailed! Yes, finally. For those of you who have been following the saga, a can of Pepsi exploded in my car earlier this summer. The car needed to be detailed before that, but after the can of Pepsi exploded, it REALLY needed to be detailed. You know how sometimes things make it on to your to do list and then just keep getting moved to the bottom because it's such a hassle?

Then a couple of months later, I accidentally left some batteries in the car during the high heat and they leaked. Then the car REALLY REALLY needed to be detailed. However, not so much, apparently, that it rallied my ass out to get it detailed.

Then LAST WEEK I was on my way to a meeting and I hadn't eaten yet so I tried to eat sushi in the car. And at a red light, I went to open the little packet of soy sauce and it exploded all over the inside of the car.

But you know what finally got me motivated to get the car detailed? My tags have been expired for OVER A MONTH NOW because I've been too lazy to get my smog check done. The last time my tags were expired I totally got pulled over for a moving violation and had to eat the other $150 fine for having expired tags. So I finally got my car into the Saturn dealership. Exciting!

And then today I mailed in the smog check and the tag registration and was so excited that those things could be moved off my to do list.

And then I got home and opened my mail, only to find out that my lack of paying attention had meant that my driver's license had expired and I forgot to renew it, so I'm now driving on a suspended license. HOT.

I am a HOT MESS people.

5. Can we talk about SMOS briefly? You know how every year around this time, when things start to get crazy busy in my world, I start this lecture about how "I REALLY need to do something to slow the pace of my life down?" And then I go into this whole inner turmoil about how I would benefit from slowing myself down, but my nature is to live fast and big and I'd hate to have missed out on any of the things I would have missed out on if I didn't live that way? Well, can I say that in many ways this year I failed to slow the pace of my life down (see the two month schedule above as Example A). However, SMOS has totally made me slow down at least a section of my life. I have the most lovely, wonderful, beautiful men in my life right now. And if I had been going at my normal pace, I'd be well ensconced in another relationship by now and would have missed out on a lot of wonderful things I've learned. So, I'm saying, SMOS is the best thing I've ever done for myself. I did have a little bout of "single insecurity" going on the other week. And Shimmy reminded me that that's the point. As she said, "You need to become secure in the insecurity." She is so zen.

Slowing my life down will, once again, be something about myself that I try to work on in 2008. The other one will be trying to be at my best even when I'm not motivated or not inspired, which is something I learned this year is a weakness of mine. That is all.

6. I went through a phase this week where... I couldn't stop lusting after Luda. Yep. Sure did. I mean, like, talking about how hot he was all day long to anybody that would listen. Then Pookie drunk IM'ed me, and he sent me a copy of "Sexy Motherfucker" by Prince. And then I couldn't decide who I thought was sexier. Here, ponder for yourself.



7. The best thing you won't hear on my public playlist this week. You won't hear it, because I can't find a copy to put on the playlist, but there's a 2 DISC cd set of mashups of Britney and/or Madonna songs that made it down the girl chain from Ang to Shimmy to me. All the mashups are good, but there are two I just leave on repeat and listen to over and over again. One is a mashup of Missy Elliot's "Pass That Dutch" with Madonna's "Holiday", and the other is a mashup of "Holiday" with D-Child's "Make Me Lose My Breath." AND THOSE TWO MASHUPS ARE SO GOOD. You should totally try to find them online somewhere if you can. I can't stop listening.

Also, why do we love D-Child? It's because of lyrics like this:
"Ooh
Two things I don't like
when I'm trynna get my
groove -
Is a partner that meets
me only halfway, and
just can't prove -
Take me out so deep when you
know you can't swim-
Need a lifeguard and I
need protection-
To put it on me deep in
the right direction.
Ooh
You understand the facts
that I'm trynna give to
you-
You movin' so slow like
you just don't have a clue-
Didn't momma teach you
to give affection?
Learn the difference from a
man and an adolescent
It ain't you boo, so get ta steppin'"

Secondly, here's a conversation Halff may not have wanted to be made public. He and I are in the car (unfortunately pre-detailing job) listening to said cd (disc 2!).

Halff
These mashups are way better than the original Britney and Madonna songs.

Pause

Halff and I Simultaneously
Except for "Holiday." That's a great song on its own.

What have we learned? Mash any song with "Holiday" and everything gets better.

8. Cat Blog! This is honestly how fat Sly is. This is how he's sitting: He has his back paws on one chair, his front paws on another chair and his HUGE GUT is actually hanging between the two chairs. I am a bad mom!



9. Because I need a number nine ... Listen, I'm going to come clean here. Because the Rockies are Ry's favorite team, I always put $5 on them to win the World Series at the beginning of the season as a show of faith to him. The odds at the beginning of the season were, like, 30 to 1. I'm sorry. I know so many of you are Red Sox fans, but mama wants a pair of $1300 snakeskin Versace shoes she saw the other week. Go Rockies!

10. And a playlist! When I get super stressed like this, the music sounds more like a nightclub. Why? That's so obvious. Because nightclubs are where I reduce stress. Here's what we're listening to in Jocelyn world right now.

"Do It Well" - J-Lo: OHMYGOD! How much do I LOVE the new J-Lo single WITH a breakdown from my boyfriend Luda? I've been warned that if I don't stop playing and dancing to this in the work environment there will be a boycott, but IT'S SO GOOD. I work to it, I do laundry to it, I run to it. It's the best thing EVER. Or at least recently. You can't even listen to this and then listen to "Gimme More" and take Britney even a little bit seriously. I LOVE J-LO.

"Lose My Breath" - D-Child, "Pass That Dutch" - Missy Elliot and "Holiday" - Madonna: Okay, I can't give you the mashup, but I can give you all three singles and you can imagine. And dance. You can imagine, and then you can dance.

"Sexy Motherfucker" - Prince: "In a word, it's you I want to do." Or, better yet, "I want to get to know you, tell me what you do, what you eat...I might cook for you."

"Sexy motherfuker, shaking that ass, shaking that ass."

"End of the Night" - Luda: I mean, I could have picked any song here. He sounds smooth and sexy on anything. That is all. If for no other reason, this song is on because of these lyrics:
" By the end of the night you gon' be wantin to marry a nigga
Cause I make 'em erupt like volcanoes, you just shake and you shiver
Get 'em up, get down, turn around and put your face in the pillow
Cut 'em up like Jason, just face it that boy Luda's a killer
Half man, half gorilla, beatin all on my chest
Pleasin all of your flesh, squeezin all on your breast
Givin you reasons to rest, and ain't never say no to papi
Wake 'em up like Folgers cause I fold 'em like origami
Hey mami let's get it poppin like Orville Redenbacher
The way you move once you started nothin could ever stop ya
Sweeter than Betty Crocker, and I'm ready to belly flop ya
Just mention today but for now I forever gotcha"

Yep.

"Great Pumpkin Waltz" - Vince, Guaralid: Okay, so you'll only get a snippet here, but I've been listening to the whole thing. You know how I love my Peanuts holiday dvds.

Oh, God, come on, that's awesome how I just transitioned from Luda rapping about dirty sex to Charlie Brown. Give me points!

Special Extra Bonus Item! So I can't sleep (shocker) so I log into Facebook because I notice that AshleyPooh has tagged a new photo of me. It is a photo of me and my niece Stephanie "recovering" on my couch the night after all of these photos were taken. Nice, Ashley. Thanks for bringing this picture to the public. I really think the comment I left Ashley on Facebook says it all, which is, "Why would you post this? I look like I just spent five days doing crack."

Which is also what I felt like because my body doesn't recover from staying out all night two nights in a row as quickly as it used to. But I have no pride, so I'll share.

 

Are you bored of Africa? I hope not, there's a lot left. Here's a Friday Five in the meantime.

1. Just for Hott Scott: Yo, we made "David Koresh" into a verb today. You win. I mean, you won the first time you described my issues with emotional attachment that way, but now you really win because I've incorporated it into my own vocabulary.

K-Rock
What's up? I heard that you actually brought a boy out in public last night. Um, SMOS. SMOS. SMOS.

Me
Yeah, well, I also invited him to spend New Year's with me in Tuscon because he's awesome like that. But, you know, it's chill because I'm committed to SMOS like you wouldn't believe and he is, as I mentioned, awesome and totally okay with my boundaries right now.

K-Rock
Really? Awesome.

Me
I mean, though, making plans that far out. That just assumes that I'm not going to David Koresh him before then.

K-Rock
Jesus.

2. Just for Catwoman and Pookie: I gave you both the same ringtone on the iPhone! Can you guess what it is? Here's a hint! Once, we were driving home from the theater with my parents and Pookie kept singing it in the back seat and it made my father so angry for the whole ride. Deny your maker, people.

3. Just for shamus?: I want some pie. You probably would like your birthday present, but that's not going to stop me from bitching about the pie that I have not been given.

4. Just for Pookie: I'd type a bunch of running emoticons here and turn on my iChat so we could video chat, but you're THE FREAKIN' ONLINE JUNKIE BETWEEN THE TWO OF US.

5. Just for Hil: Good girl. Tuscon will be fun. Or at least there will be no shortage of things to talk about.

6. Just for C-Woo: Uh, yeah. I seem to have not booked that flight yet. Uh. I'm ALL OVER THAT this weekend.

7. Just for Shimmy: I miss you and I have a story you WILL NOT BELIEVE. In fact, I may just email you right now.

8. Fun with Facebook: You know what's obvious? I'm too tired to write anything good right now. Let's lift what other people have written because it's way wittier. So, I enjoy playing with the "questions" application on Facebook. This week I asked two:

Question: True or False: My new iPhone will make me happier, beautiful in the eyes of others, and a complete person.

Trick said: False. False. False. You were already all of those. The new iPhone will make you poorer, 135 grams heavier, and completely irritating when you make the new Britney song your ring tone.

(I Love) Paul Jack said: Yes, and you STILL paid too much for it.

Salim said: True if you feel happier about it and think others see you more beautiful.

J. Lucas said: False... All Apple products only bring pain, misery, and HPV. infections. In addition, you can't even MMS message with it!

Ferris said: Shut up. I hate you hate you hate you.

C-Woo said: YAY!

Franki said: False! Your iphone will only make you a complete person in the eyes of apple fanboyz. Eitherway, you're now another proud owner of crappy products.

ToniK said: Absolutely true. I now shed a new light on you. You were only kinda cool to me before you got an iPhone, however now you could be the coolest person I know

Emily said: it will at least serve as a nice party trick. people like to touch them...

And after Emily said that, I asked: A multiple choice question inspired by Emily. You and I are at a party together. You walk up to me. You want to: a. Lovingly stroke my new iPhone b. Smack my ghetto booty c. Pet me on the head and say "Good girl" d. Ask me to get you another drink

Trick said: e. All of the above, although I'll bet I wouldn't be the first one at the party to do that.

Kolodny said: f) Tell you to say "Girl Power" so that everyone knows you're still in my posse as Yenta Spice. Because we know that'd never happen in real life or anything.

(I Love) Paul Jack said: b times three.

Shimmy said: Really? I have to answer this? Fine. ALL OF THE ABOVE. Because I frequently DO all of the above, well except for A, and that's only because I have't met it yet.

Franki said: No choices here: A, then use A to perform B (repeatedly too), then select D and give you C only if you come back with the right drink

Lisa said: b. several times. and then tell you to get me a drink ;)

Slappy said: Holy Christ. I'm leaning towards D, but tatsa only because I already know you'd have someone else around to fetch that drink for me.

ToniK said: Beee atch get me another drink! Love you mean it!

K-Rock said: It depends on where we're at. It would probably start with B, then D, then C, then as the drinks progressed, I'd probably ask for the JesusPhone for drunk texting action. 'Cause that's how I roll.