We Resume! Five Notes About Winter Blues

Believe me when I say, it was not my intention to go a month without writing, but work took over. Plus I've been mildly blue and while some folks write best when they can write about the sad stuff, I'm not that girl. But not to worry, I've pre-written for the week and we will be several entries deep. And yes! One of them will be the annual Idol fangrrrrl letter! And the other summarizes the best reactions from my friends when I got asked out by a 19 year old. True enough. And he was hot. And no, I didn't. The joy! The wonder. For today, however, we go with a five point update.

1. Chronic Winter's End Depression? I think it may be a trend. There are no shortage of people I know who are a little bit blue right now. It's a good time of year to be a little blue because there are lots of folks to commiserate with. I'm quite aware that in my normal cycle I'm not usually kicked out of my first quarter blues by now, but this year there are a lot of people there with me. And more intensely than usual. And not-fantastic things are happening to people to cause them to be blue. I read somewhere that this was an astrologically bad year for anybody who wasn't a Pisces. On the other hand, I read that it would be an astrologically fantastic year for me and my fish brethren. WHEN IS THAT PART HAPPENING?

2. Things Not to Do If You're a Little Bit Blue: Would include, but not be limited to, a)asking relationship advice from people who are not in good relationships or from people who are in good relationships or even from people who are in what seem to be good relationships but are in fact not as good under the surface as they may at first appear. You're not going to get anything out of those conversations that inspires you to feel positive. b)reading the last third of American Pastoral. c.) reading your own tarot cards. or d.) watching the season 5 finale of Buffy (yes, that is the one in which she sacrifices herself to save the world and dies - and by most people's arguments should have been where the show ended). The last one will leave you in tears for a couple of days at LEAST. And worse, if you were watching it on dvd, you can then go back and rewatch the heartbreaking last moment where Spike falls to the ground in tears over and over again, making it even worse. I am torn - because popular consensus says "don't watch six and seven," but a lone argument has been made that the comic books are actually quite wonderful but require you to have the background of seasons six and seven. I'm not sure what to do. A twitter!

3. Basketball time! So, you know, I'm dating some people and whatnot, and I realized the other day that I really do construct what men would consider perfect dates, but which just seem normal to me. So guy #1 (I have no clever knickname right now) is leaving the other day and we're talking about what to do next weekend, and I'm all like "I'm taking personal days on Thursday and Friday to go to the doctor's and then come home and watch the tournament all day long. Wanna come over and watch basketball?" Which is both intended as and interpreted as, "Wanna watch basketball and have sex?" And responded to with, "Oh my god, that is the most perfect date ever." However, still single in this household! (Refrain from comments shamus, refrain).

4. No, don't really refrain. I got a lot of borderline harsh wake up advice this week. Big winners included:
a. "Perhaps the next time you decide you don't want to be with somebody, you should be more honest about your feelings about them and if you really care about them, you shouldn't leave." (which it both true and totally unfair at the same time, sometimes you can absolutely love somebody but also be aware enough to know it's absolutely the wrong situation for you. It doesn't always have to be about feelings, yo. However, I did lie to myself about how much I felt for Boom when I cut it off and that, in truth, is coming back to haunt me now).

b. "Listen, you know how awesome you are. If you haven't found somebody, it's not because you don't have lots of options. When you say it's you, not them, that's 100% correct here." (that one is an amalgomation of a couple of ways that was said. And it sucks, because it's true. Maybe not in Boom's case, or in Charler's case, because those really were cases of just bad things being done that could not be recovered from, but in a lot of cases. In my family, we frequently discuss the dilemma of "Should you be with the one you can live with, or with the one you can't live without." I have long been an advocate of the latter, but I may be swaying to the former. On the other hand, part of me feels like I've fought it out so long looking for the latter, I may not be willing to give up at this point. It has been suggested not so mildly that it may be time to do that. Is that quitting?)

And then there was my personal favorite:
c. "Listen, among this group of friends, everybody knows that you will never be attracted naturally to what is good for you. Look at the people you've dated in the last five years, and then seriously ask yourself if you couldn't have figured out IN THE FIRST WEEK that that was going to go bad. Then start really figuring things out IN THE FIRST WEEK so that you never get to this point. (Except that, sometimes, it is all about the feelings, yo.)

At least my friends are honest. Which is what makes them awesome friends. I get it. It's me. Mostly. Well, no, really, entirely. At this point, it's entirely about me and some bad, identifiable patterns that would require diligence to break. But, yo, seriously, the heart wants what the heart wants, dude.

5. To Sum: I am, and have been for a long time, aware that it does not matter how much you love somebody, there are situations that are untennable and combinations of personalities and needs that are unmanageable and sometimes timing that is just unfortunate and even sometimes actions that may not be unforgivable but are unforgettable - and any of those situations require the honesty to face them and exit the situation no matter how much you love the person (Rhianna, I'm talking to you, girl). I'm okay with that. Unfortunately, when that is the reason behind a severing, you go through the dual breakdowns. There's the sadness during the logical and initial breaking up, and then sometime several months later something always happens that reminds you that the dream is really gone (queue music please) and that's when the emotional part catches up to you. I knew way back in November that there couldn't be a future for Boom and me, and by the end of December I was pretty much okay with that and moving on. And then something happened this week that made my heart override my head and it was like I finally had to let go there. Which is good, and needed, and the right thing. And it's spring and time to let go of old winter clothes anyway. But it still hurt.

Because the heart always wants what the heart wants. It doesn't care about your logic, no matter how logical you are. It's a jerk that way.

 

Precursor to Thirty-Five

I am incredibly comfortable with the idea that I don't really want biological children. Incredibly comfortable with it. I have been incredibly comfortable with it for a long time, though I very much hope to adopt when I'm in my forties. However, adoption as a single woman can be hard, and it's a risk to get approved. But people ask me, and I say "I've never really felt the urge children for more than a couple of minutes. I love children, and families, I just personally don't want to have them any time soon."

But those couple of minutes where I feel the urge?

They are, religiously, during any kind of home renovation show on TLC when they show the newly remodeled kitchen, always designed for the family to commune in.

It's fail proof, really. Quite possibly because the kitchen was the place where you communed in my home growing up (as I'd guess it is in most homes). You'd cook, or mom would cook, or there would be tea water in the kettle on the stove, and you'd sit around the table with whomever was there, and that was that. And it was perfect. I don't remember much of my maternal grandparents' home because my grandmother got sick when I was very young, but the kitchen being a communal point was true in my paternal grandparents' house as well. I'm sure it is in most homes.

And so, when "Trading Spaces" or "Moving Up" or "Extreme Home Makeover" or "While You Were Out" creates a perfect family kitchen, I feel my biological clock begrudgingly tick-tock into action for about three minutes.

Then a commercial for a vacation package to Tahiti comes on and it slows back down to a grinding halt.

And then I go to bed at night and lay awake, wondering if I'll really be okay with myself if I give up the chance for memories in kitchens with teenage kids altogether, scenes from the Walsh home in "90210" flashing through my head. And then I am not so incredibly comfortable.

35 is a strange age. I'm still a handful of days away, and already I don't like it.

 

2009. Period.

Oh, I know, who wants to read yet another meandering reflection on the year gone, the year coming?

Suckers. You're still reading.

Honestly? I don't remember much of 2008. I think that's just because, as usual, New Year's hits during the busiest time of my work season and I tend to be in a cluster. Also, as some of you know, I've been living with 99.9% of everything I own in a storage unit in Vegas for three months now, which has turned me into a cluster as well. I'm a nester. I mean, sure, I move a lot. but I move with my stuff. I miss my stuff. Camping is only fun for limited amounts of time. I have worn the same four pairs of jeans so many times that I named them. Today, Lucy is hugging my ass.

But the reality is that I just re-read my section of the holiday letter, and 2008 was pretty much all I could have hoped for. I traveled to lots of places, I got a great new job, I got to relocate, which we all know I love to do every five or so years. I spent a lot of time with my family and friends. I have memories beyond memories. I'm sure when I have a quiet time in mid-February to really sit on my couch and reflect, it will go down as a banner year.

I guess if I could improve two things, they would be:
a. It wasn't a creatively productive year. I didn't write or paint or sew all that much. Of course, I spent 3 months with none of my stuff, and that kills your expressive urge. And I feel like I lost my writing mojo. Words are harder right now. I'm hoping that resolves. I'm also hoping it's not a side effect of winter, which tends to depress me.

b. I dated a lot, but I also wasted way too much energy on a boy who I probably could have figured out was way wrong for me as early as March. I need to return to the good old days of cut and run, or as Hott Scott would say, "David Koreshing it at the first moment." That's funny if you were around for the original conversation.

I think what I'm really left with at the end of the year is an affirmation of my belief that the only thing that will create positive change in your life is YOU creating positive change (cue Oprah theme music). The only thing that got me out of a ciruclar and ultimately unsatisfiying set up in Vegas (though you know I miss a lot of things and people A LOT, but it was time to grow out), was jumping off a cliff and quitting my high-paying job with no net beneath me. When I did that, the universe gave me everything I wanted to replace it with. And I think of people I know who did similar things, and the same is true. Sure, it's hard. I've cried a ton in the last three months. But staying in a situation that's leaving you feeling unfulfilled is not the way to get fulfilled.

Jump in the pool. It's better than watching the rest of the world swim, even if the shock is cold.

Anyway, so. 2009.

There are already a ton of things I'm looking forward to, and that's in addition to some possible travel plans. In September, I'm officiating a wedding. I got new dining room chairs, which will make me happy. I'm seeing Yo-Yo Ma. A few sweet mamas are having babies. I've been promised a watershed of houseguests this summer. Good times.

It's going to make for a less exciting holiday letter, but I'm determined to travel a little less (just for one year) and instead pay off some of my massive relocation bills, (Hi Mom!). On the other hand, I get a pay raise in the spring, so that idea may go right out of the door.

I am absolutely, without a doubt, finally hit my run-distance-time target. I don't know anybody here yet, there's no reason not to focus on that.

I'm going to try lesbianism again. No, joking. But I thought the entry was getting boring. Then again, you never know.

There are certain years in your life where you just have to accept that you're in transition and the normal pace of the party is interuppted. I think this will be one of those years. I'm okay with that. I guess.

Feel free to refer to this post if it doesn't end up that way.

Catch you on the flip!

 

Somewhere in the Middle of the Fabric I'm Weaving...

Oh my. A little emotional this one will be.

So earlier this week, somebody asked me who Hil was because, much like I do, they find her blog to be a wonderful source of peace when she's updating. And I was saying how lucky I felt that DCWP found her and married her so I could have her in my life and how much I'm looking forward to seeing the both of them in the desert this New Year's. And the person asked how long I had known DCWP. And I had to think about it, and then...

...I realized that...

...this fall DCWP and I will have known each other for 15 years. We met during my freshmen year of college. That was 1992.

Often, you know, when I think of the friends who are the most sturdy, who know me the best, I by default think of the ones that I literally grew up with. The ones who knew me when I was twelve and playing ninja in the backyard. Or when I was fourteen and had my first serious crush. Or when I was eighteen and about to set out on my own for the first time.

But then I realized that I'd known DCWP for 15 years. And I put the pieces together in my head. And all of us, all of us who became friends during those first couple of years of college have now been in each other's lives for fourteen or fifteen years in some combination of groups or another. Roxy, K-Yo and DCWP, PaulM and Kolodny, McK, Sam, GregB, Rob (so basically Curry 3), Trick, Dani and GayLynn. And really Matt McD and Kazanas and Niko, because I found all of them in my junior year, so it's almost there for us with the 15 year marker, too. For some people that list is different with more or less people. I count the ones I talk to regularly.

And then you think about what you've shared -- in person, through phone calls, through long emails and mass emails and mailed packages and lately lots of text messaging -- in fifteen long years. And you're blown away by how much of each other's lives you've touched in one way or another: marriages, divorces, deaths of parents, engagements, bad boyfriends and girlfriends, good boyfriends and girlfriends, new romance, painful breakups, business failures, business successes, babies, lack of babies, unexpected babies, bad advice, good advice, ill advised hook ups, thirtieth birthday parties, weight gain, weight loss, weddings, gossip, knitting patterns and recipes, coming outs, searches for meaning and truth, artistic fulfillment, artistic frustration, revelations, camping trips, cocktails, beer, Indiana, Chicago, New York, New Jersey, Ohio, Texas, Kansas, Denver, California, Nevada, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Boston, Louisville, DC, New Orleans, and so many jokes that can only get made by people with fifteen years of inside jokes to work with.

And after that hits you, you're just so grateful. How much richer is the fabric of my life for the presence of these people? People who came to me because the universe is good. Because I was randomly paired with an amazing woman as my freshman roommate who forgave me when I yelled at her when she interrupted me while I was studying for my French final. Because I randomly selected a fun class on apocalyptic literature my first semester, and the class had a man with such high energy and good spirits that he was irresistible, and he brought me into his circle of friends that included a future politician with the loyalty of an alter boy, a savant trader with the heart of a lion, a flaming doctor and at least three other men whom I love like brothers. Because I wanted to be a Resident Assistant and found a writer who was easy and comfortable to be around, a crazy woman who made me seem calm and a Greek BFF with a naughty side. Because I needed a place to crash one summer and ended up with wild, happy, adventurous girls like me. Because I had to take a photo class and strangely befriended a pretty blond sorority girl who balanced me out in ways I didn't realize I needed to be balanced. How many chapters wouldn't be in my story without fifteen years of companionship from such wonderful, rich people?

Fifteen years. That's really happening. I am so grateful. I'm grateful to all of the soulful, sturdy, true and good people who surround me in my life. But today, I want to just say how thankful I am for that particular group. The group who probably all own an IU sweatshirt and can tell you why Bobby Knight is actually a good coach. The group who, for many of them, require a singing of the IU fight song at their weddings. The group who remembers Halloween parties and the Reed cafeteria, Forest Friends and autumn in Bloomington, lazy Sunday coffee hour at The Spoon, the four months when I went through my goth phase and the two years when I went through my hippie phase (okay, the three years when I went through my hippie phase, but who's really counting?), MPB, insane staff drinking binges at Wilkie, the summer TJ cheated on me and I burned all of his stuff in a garbage can outside of his door, the sucking incubus of Ballantine and fireplace room in the student union where I always was, the fall I came back from Europe a different girl, the summers I worked at the ice cream shop and smelled like vanilla all the time, the fights with Geoff Stickle and the time I plastered the Residence Life office with pictures of him on the toilet, warm-fucking-fuzzy week, Darren and philosophical lunches, attempts to make me a Republican, and all of the things that came after we left that place that touched each other's lives in one way or another.

Some days, I am acutely aware that I am so fortunate to have such an amazing universe of truly good people in my life. It's still July, and the days are slower. I need to get on the phone and tell them all how much they matter to me. To thank them for all the bad news and all the good news we ever gave each other. And then on New Year's day, I'll hike and get blissed out with DCWP and thank him for Hil. And then say, "15 years. Think how much fabric we'll all weave in the next fifteen."

Thank you, universe. Thank you, friends.

 

It's a New Day, It's a New Dawn, and Today I'm Feeling Good

So this was my horoscope today:

"Within a week or two, your outlook will have altered significantly and your situation will have brightened tremendously. Right now, though, you are dealing with a difficult set of circumstances and you fear that you are not coping well. Actually, you are doing brilliantly - better than anyone else in such circumstances could ever do. Just continue making a valid effort to do your best. Despite your fears and concerns, in the long run you'll be glad of all the sacrifices you have lately had to make."

And also this:

"Someone of consequence may enter your life now and you would be well advised to open the door and let him or her in. You could be taken on a thrilling ride, but you must be willing to learn and grow. Travel may be on your agenda, whether it's in your mind or in the outer world. Either way, be open to having a partner for your upcoming adventure."

Which is funny, because those are both very much feelings I've been getting in the past three days anyway. Good things are suddenly happening. It's amazing what happens when you open doors back up that you had previously shut. I had started to forget how big the world is and how many possibilities are out there.

If I could erase the last two months (maybe more, I'm still working it out), I would. I mean, I wouldn't, because I learned valuable lessons about where my limits were and that I could, absolutely, be driven to do things that are out of character for me. Out of character is an understatement. Things that fly in the face of every way I've chosen to live my life. I definitely learned that if I don't protect myself better, I can be turned into exactly the kind of person I never wanted to be. And I learned that it's possible for me to let myself go to (be taken to?) a place that leaves me emotionally, mentally and physically ill in the end. And I also learned that, for me, the only way to actually close a door on some things it to actively decide to open new ones. And I learned that the universe will forgive me two months of not being the best version of myself and help me find my way back, and will send some amazing gifts my way once I open the door to possibility.

And, of course, I got reminded of how amazing the people in my life are. And their love really helped me remember who I am.

McD, who is going through a far worse time than I am, actually called me to see how I was holding up, when in reality that should be working in the opposite direction. And then he said, "And I have season two of 90210 and Melrose Place for you," and a bright light shone in front of me like God was present.

Kolodny, who has way too much on his plate to worry about me, took the time to write a really long email offering all kinds of amazing support and advice. And he called me the big sister he never had. And I cried over that one, because I agree.

(I Love)Paul Jack and (I Also Love) Dex sent me a box of product from Origins. I didn't cry. I took a really long bath. They know how to make a girl feel better.

shamus and Larry both tolerated hours of IM's. HOURS. And they both told it like it was, even when how it was wasn't what I wanted to hear. Pookie actually got on the phone, which is not so much his style. Ferris tolerated my playing with him on MySpace. AshleyPooh and Toni made lots of threeway calls to me to check in on me.

My mom did the best thing she could do, which was give me space. Which I know was hard for her.

And my girls. My girls were all so amazing. Catwoman guided me spiritually one way. Red Delicious another. Candy said the hardest thing that I didn't want to hear ever, but which was true ("This will never make you happy. If it were going to, it would have by now."). K-Rock laughed with me about everything. All my LA girlies reminded me the big, big world I was forgetting about. Carrie came out of the woodwork to listen to me babble via email for paragraph after paragraph. K-Yo distracted me with stories of sexism. I'm sure I'm forgetting people who were awesome. But in the end, my friends reminded me of who I am and how I needed to get back to being that.

And also, in near perfect timing, Hilary has launched this, which I'm hoping will be a pathway for all of us on some level or another.

I guess I'm saying thank you. I'm such a lucky girl in so many ways.

 

I Drag You Down With Me

So, the question of the week has been "How much damage can a relationship take before it can't be salvaged?"

Let me set this to bed: I speak not only of my current sort-of-relationship. I speak also of other relationships in my life, and I speak of other people's relationships. Because "the hive"(tm RJ) this week has been discussing this extensively via email, chat, MySpace, phone, whatever. Which is funny because this other thing I'm writing on is about love that doesn't die no matter what. My headspace has had to shift a dozen times.

(And let me also say to warn you mostly about this possibly being a disjointed thought process, that, right now, I'm so busy that what's happening is that I write a paragraph of blog entry and then a paragraph of a business plan. It's not conducive. I'll try to do an edit before I post to make things stick together more).

So, I'm sure that, by now, being grown adults, we've all seen relationships that:

a. Suffered some trauma, decided to make it work, and in the end we were all happy that people found a way to make their relationships survive. We'll call this "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger syndrome."

b. Suffered some trauma, decided to make it work, and in the end we were all like "MAN, they should have just let go. They'll NEVER end up happy now." We'll call this "I'd rather be miserable than alone syndrome."

c. Suffered some trauma, fell apart, and both people ended up happier afterwards. Often, they even end up great friends. We'll call this "Sometimes the universe delivers even if it has to force it syndrome."

d. Suffered some trauma, fell apart, and then nobody ever really moved on and they stayed angry and hurt. We'll call this "What the fuck? Life is too short syndrome."

And of course, there are a lot of variations in between. The big variation is that, in lots of cases, one person experiences one thing and another person experiences another thing. But I'm trying to keep it simple.

Firstly, let us define trauma. Trauma is not, by my definition, "I want to change careers midlife." Or "I lost $500 betting the Super Bowl." Or "I called you a fucking bitch while we were arguing." Examples of "trauma" would be:
- I lied to you excessively in a malicious way
- I cheated on you, once or many times
- I lost our entire life savings gambling while not telling you I was spending it
- I've been hiding the fact that I have a drug problem from you
- Did I not mention that STD before we got together?
- I have, intentionally or otherwise, systematically controlled and berated you in a way that tore down your self esteem or caused you to lose all trust and confidence in me
- I cannot have children, though having children was always an understood part of the reason we were together
- I've committed a horrible crime and am going to jail
- More than 75% of all the time we spend together is spent yelling and crying over a thousand different issues over a time period of more than a year.

Listen, I didn't make any of those up. They're all real life examples from me or people I know.

What Doesn't Kill Us Makes Us Stronger Syndrome
So, somewhat obviously, because I am not married nor have I ever been in a committed relationship that lasted longer than five years, I have never personally experienced this. And before you email me (and you know who you are) and say "Well, you know me and I fit that category", let me just say that you may think you're in that category and I may think you're more like a person in the "Rather be miserable than alone" category. Anyway, I've never experienced this particular syndrome, is my point.

Now, that's also not to say that I don't know long term relationships and marriages that are awesome and that I really admire. And for all I know, those relationships have undergone some kind of trauma that I don't know about, because sometimes people keep things private even though that is clearly a foreign concept to me. I'm going to say that I doubt that because in most cases I know those people pretty well and have discussed relationships with them a lot and I think I would have been told if the relationship had suffered some huge trauma. The argument might be made that in relationships that are that strong, while all relationships have adversity, those people have great enough communication and desire to make each other happy that the type of things we're qualifying as trauma wouldn't happen. What I'm saying is that I have never experienced, nor have I seen, a relationship that suffers one of the types of things we've described above and ultimately goes on to preserve itself in a healthy, functional way. Please, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

And, this, this concerns me. Because above all else, I am a girl who makes decisions by the numbers. And, looking at my current situation, the numbers may imply that the odds are very much against me, and in a couple of cases, my friends, too.

I'd Rather Be Miserable Than Alone Syndrome
But I know lots of these! You probably do, too! In fairness, in some of these cases, it's more about wanting to preserve an entire family unit and that's a more difficult situation to ponder, but there are lots and lots of relationships I've seen where the M.O. is to stay together even if one person is miserable -- shit, even if both people are miserable -- just because of any number of fears. Fear of feeling rejected, fear of never falling in love again, fear of never having somebody else fall in love with you again, fear of being alone, fear of losing a safety net, fear of being financially impacted, fear of hurting the other person...fear. I mean, again, simplifying because I'm sure there are other reasons people stay in those situations, but to me, they mostly read as fear.

I saw this thing on tv once (You know you're about to get something deep when a sentence starts with "I saw this thing on tv once"). It was a documentary on a retired athlete. And he and his wife had gotten divorced but were still friends. And he said, "I never thought divorce was a good thing, but then one day I woke up and thought, 'Life is so short. Why spend it in a way that makes two people unhappy on a daily basis instead of putting them into a spot where they could find happiness?'" And that resonated with me.

I have this actual list somewhere in some journal about minimum values I assign to myself (which would be an awesome blog entry in and of itself). One of those is about not letting anybody else control whether or not I'm happy. Maybe, just maybe, this makes me a little ill-suited to relationships. But maybe if more people decided to take ownership of their own happiness they wouldn't feel like they needed relationships to make them happy, and they'd be more selective about choosing partners to enhance their happiness rather than feeling like they needed a partner to make them happy. I think I know relationships that work like this. I think I've seen them. But then again, I am not always privy to what goes on when people go home at night, so go figure.

In the relationships I admire most, both people want the other person to be happy so much that they wouldn't want the other person to stay in the relationship if they were miserable. They'd either find a way to make them happy or, if they just really couldn't do that, they'd find a way to let go. And maybe that's why I admire those relationships the most, because that's such a hard spot to get to.

But you know what's an even harder spot to get to? Recognizing when you're in a "Better miserable than alone" spot and moving out of it. Because it's pretty easy to convince yourself that you're not that miserable, or that things will change, or that issues have been caused by circumstances and not some essential flaw in your relationship, or that "it's not me, it's my partner and one day they'll wake up and make this better", or that this person really is THE ONLY PERSON YOU WILL EVER BE ABLE TO LOVE OR WHO WILL EVER BE ABLE TO LOVE YOU. Yeah, those are all hard headspace blocks to get through, and I know because I've fallen prey to them, sometimes for periods of years, before. I think, though, as an older, wiser me, I wouldn't be so prone to play the convincing game. Or give in to fears of letting go. But then again, I may be convinced that in some ways, in some circumstances, I'm doing that right now. This one's the kicker one, eh?

Sometimes the Universe Delivers, Even If It Has To Force It Syndrome
Could I have made that name any longer? Seriously.

I know this, too. In fact, I know a lot of this. In fact, this is pretty much all but one of my former relationships, if you don't count the former relationship in which the other party is no longer alive. D&J. S&L. S&P. I know lots of these. RJ and I, for example. While the six months before our breakup was, to say the least, incredibly painful for us and anybody around us, when we finally got to the part where we broke up, it was sad, but we had really discovered that while we love each other and want each other to be happy, that just was not going to happen in the form of being partners. And now we're incredibly close BFFs. And we're honestly both much happier. And we honestly want the other one to be happy. And we honestly make decisions based on that. And sometimes we still make each other crazy in the context of our friendship, but we're important parts of each other's lives and nobody discounted the two years we spent together and we found a way to translate that into something really good. Better, even.

And I just rattled off four examples of relationships that ended like this, even with some trauma involved. So, it can happen. It's the ideal, but it can happen. It should happen. Just, getting there involves a level of pain (like the first time you have to go out with your ex and his new girlfriend who is NOTHING like you- that wasn't great) and patience. But it is proof that in the right context, even things that ended with some trauma involved can lead to valuable relationships in your life. Some of the most valuable relationships in your life, probably. Just the process of getting there is awful.

What the Fuck? Life is Too Short Syndrome.
And, I KNOW we all know a lot of these, right? I've seen them. They're ugly. And while I've never been the party who won't let go of the anger, I've been on the receiving end of having somebody decide to never accept the way things are and find a new place to be in each other's lives and still be good for each other. I know people who, years and years into a new relationship, are still dealing with the hurt and anger of an old relationship's ending. And you know what? In some cases, I can absolutely understand that. Some damage is too deep to ever let go of. Some stuff messes you up for the rest of ever. Maybe not every day, but some of it never goes away. Yes. It's true. There are some things that are so awful they will probably never be let go of.

And then again, there are some things that aren't so awful, and in that case, you need to learn to say "Life's too short to feel this bad about things." And let go. But I've been in the room with exes before where they both walk in and people hold their breath waiting for the explosion, or one of them crying in the bathroom, or just feeling uncomfortable because they know that at least one of the two people is having a miserable time. It's a hard call, because I do think that some things, some times, are so bad that it's okay to never get over them. But then again, sometimes I think people choose to not get over things because being angry and hurt is, honestly, sometimes less painful than trying to focus on good things about past relationships and people and watching somebody else get happy while you're still dealing with the pain of the breakup.

And so here we are at math. And also, now we are clearly not talking about anybody's situations other than mine.

I have no interest in holding on to any kind of anger, distrust, hurt, whatever and falling into the "Life is too short, fuck it." category.

I have even less interest into falling into the "Rather miserable than alone" category. The problem being, of course, that I'm not sure I would be falling into that category anyway. There has only ever been one real problem in the relationship that's at the front of my mind. But it was a long-term and ongoing problem that was only addressed and solved when I finally ended the relationship. And then it was only done once it had been made abundantly clear that really, honestly, there wasn't a future with the circumstances the way they were. And of course, the argument could be made that "But at least it was done. At least in the end he cared enough to give you what you needed." But then again the argument could be made (and is certainly the one that I would be making to me if I were giving me third party advice) that the situation should have never have gotten that far. That, as Hil put it, it's been proven to me again and again that this pattern is a repeating pattern and I probably shouldn't expect it to change. OH SO CONFUSING. Remember above when I said that the key was recognizing when you're doing this versus when you're giving yourself the best chance to be in the ...

What Doesn't Kill Us Makes Us Stronger Club.

But math, right? Math! Who ends up there? Do you know anybody who ends up there? And how many people stay in the "Better Miserable Than Alone Club" rather than doing the hard work, the HARD HARD work to end up in the The Universe Delivers Even If It Has To Force It club out of fear, or hopefulness (and let's not even debate if hopefulness is the same as fear). How many people say "I'm not sure I'm not just staying in a 'better miserable than alone' situation. We really could end up in a 'What doesn't kill us makes us stronger' situation. It was only one problem. I know he loves me. I know I love him. There's no reason this can't work!" Even though we ALL know by this point how silly that attitude can be. On the other hand, love is what drives the world and we should try to find ways to honor it.

And so 2500 words later I have worked NOTHING out except to organize thoughts and get caught up in math. MATH of all things. And I should probably listen to KALM who wisely told me that to overthink is to sabatoge. But to underthink is to beg to stay in patterns that may or may not be good.

Arghhhhh! You MUST be as frustrated as I am right now. You're welcome. I will leave you with a haiku that sums this up, and also, email answering tomorrow, btw.

My problems would be
solved with five minutes alone
with Blake Lewis. Yum.

 

Five Insomniac Thoughts to Kick Off Monday With

1. Maria Taylor is a Goddess: 11:11 is one of my favorite albums. It's one of those albums that I've kept coming back to over the last two years. So I was kind of bumming when people who had listened to Lynn Teeter Flower were all like, "Yeah, it's no 11:11." And then I was like, "Well, it could just be that there's not a lot of room for Maria Taylor and Brandi Carlile to exist at that same time, and that Brandi Carlile album is fantastic (though if you really want to hear her at her best, download her live version of "Hallelujah"). Anyway, so I finally downloaded Lynn Teeter Flower this weekend. And it's no 11:11, but it is fantastic. The tracks you won't care about, you'll flip through those pretty quickly. But there are five tracks on there that are so fucking beautiful that you won't know what to do with them. "My Own Fault" is my favorite right now, maybe because it resonates with where I am. "Small Part of Me" and "No Stars" are also, well, they'll move you. However, "Lost Time" and "Clean Getaway" are the single most fucking beautiful things you'll hear this year (though you have to stay with "Clean Getaway", it builds on itself and then it rips your heart out in the last couple of bars). Conveniently, you can listen to those last two on Maria's MySpace page. And also, we'll be doing two poetry meditations this week. The first are the bridge lyrics from "Lost Time."

And a heart that grieves
Gets lost in everything
And a heart in need
Finds hope in anything

2. Speaking of MySpace: I'd like to thank MySpace for reconnecting me with 500 million people I went to high school with. And I'd like to thank Chris for dinner. I was cool with it until you pointed out that we hadn't actually seen each other in 17 years. It was a great time. Let's do it again this week.

3. Here's What's Not Going to Happen: I'm just going to get this out of the way because I know that you read this (with you being a specific person). I'm not going to apologize for hurting your feelings. I didn't say anything maliciously. I was gentle. I'm sorry you're not getting what you want. I'm sorry you hurt. But when you back people into corners saying things like "I need you to feel this way," you're going to get one of two things. a)A lie that will blow up and hurt you worse later or b)the truth, which more times than not will not be what you wanted to hear. I'm not going to get bullied into feeling something that I don't just because it's what you "need." You need less than you think, honestly. That email was mean and nasty and uncalled for, and you're getting a response here instead of via email because I REFUSE to engage in that emotionally manipulative kind of scenario with you. All I did was say "That's not the right decision for me making me happy." Seriously, I can't believe you have the audacity to say you expect an apology. I'm not apologizing for making good decisions for me. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? WHY IS EVERYBODY SO FUCKED UP LATELY?

4. Pennsylvania! I have never looked forward to a week at home more than I'm looking forward to this one. Sangria and Sanjaya. Beer and cocktails. Pookie's 30th. Tyler. Maybe spring will even break. And a little more time to play than I was anticipating. Yes. Very exciting. I want coffee with PDG and beer and cocktails with Bill and Sangria with Candy and lots of time with Pook and Ferris and Dana and my mom. And playtime with Red Delicious' kids. And long runs on backroads. And higher end cocktails with moon. And a Pirates game, and mabye a Pens game if I get lucky. I want ridiculous pictures of Joey V. and those other crazy boys. I want tea with Big T. I want to go to my grandfather's grave and talk to him for a while because I've felt a little lost lately. I want to hang out with Doreen and my mom and wonder if that's what Catwoman and I will be like at their age. I want to feel home for a little bit. You don't really feel home when you're there over the holidays because there's so much to do. Yeah, I'm looking forward to this.

5. And, a poetry mediation for the week: I own a book of Anna Akhmatova poetry, and it's some of my favorite ever. In fact, "The Door is Half Open" is one of my favorites of my favorites, and last week it was a featured poem by Knopf, so I thought we'd all start the week with it:

The door is half open,
The sweet smell of limes . . .
On the table, forgotten,
A whip and a glove.

The lamp's yellow glow . . .
Things rustle all round.
Why did you go?
I don't understand.

More clearly I'll see
Tomorrow with fresh eyes
That life is beautiful.
Heart, just be wise.

You're completely worn out--
Beating sluggishly . . .
You know, I read somewhere
That souls do not die.

 

Thank You, Universe

The universe is good. Sometimes, it has to give bad news and bad feelings to good people, but then it does something to remind them that the world is good if you let it be. In the last four days:

- The relationship that I thought was the most princess perfect fairy tale relationship ever, the one that I pointed to to say "Look how they fell in love and weren't scared of it", broke up.

- A marriage that I had pointed to over and over again and said "Look how many obstacles they have, and they've found this really healthy way to overcome them and be together," pretty much is almost assuredly breaking up

- I basically got told that I was not loved enough. That even though I had been told otherwise again and again, in the moment where I needed to be the person who was loved the most, I wasn't.

- I discovered that there's someone out there who hates me enough that they will go to unbelievable, UNBELIEVABLE, lengths to shatter my life. And in many ways, they already won before I figured it out.

And so, right, not the best week. But then this morning, early, just as I was waking up, I got asked to be Tyler's godmother. And it was the best thing I've been asked to do in a long time. And I'm going to take my job as godmother more seriously than you can imagine. She didn't even know how much she was giving me a gift I really needed this morning, but she did. Even if she did it via text message!

Boys, girls, it must be dumping season, yeah? So here's what I'm holding on to, and it usually helps. When God takes away somebody who took up such a big space in your heart, it's usually because he needs to make room for somebody who's going to fill you up even more. Stay the course.

 

Thankful

10 minutes ago, one of my favorite girls in the world left Las Vegas after we had the most fun, silly and emotionally cathartic girl weekend in months.

And then I read an email from my singularly favorite boy in the world and it was so beautiful that it made me cry.

And I just really woke up Sunday and was super thankful for my life. Even if I'm hungover and feel like a train hit me and I still need put in hours of work and a run today and my joint needs to be cleaned because we tore it up in here this weekend. I'm so glad I am where I am right now and surrounded by the people I'm surrounded by. I'm glad I've learned not to force it so that I can be this happy most of the time.

 

33 is Coming Like the Grim Reaper Around the Corner

Firstly, I've now officially been chastised for all of the introspection lately. Don't you worry. I'm bringing back the funny tomorrow with an old story about how I once accidentally had sex with a minister. And don't you worry. Even if you've heard that story before, it's still funny the second, third and even fourth time. Some things never get old. But it's birthday week, and birthday week means introspection. Deal.With.It.

So, I'm turning 33 in exactly 7 days.

And here's the reality: I don't have anything to complain about. The things I wanted by 33 I have. I've traveled the world and there's no end to that in sight (because the world is a big place and I've found great traveling companions). I have great friends. I have an amazing career and my own cash dollars. I own nice things. I know who I am and what I want and whom I love and who loves me. I feel that, while I am always learning, I am wise in many ways. I feel like I've grown into me. I've done and accomplished the things that I always said I wanted to by my thirties.

I don't have any actual regrets about not having a family and a home and children at 33. I never expected to be starting that process until now, so the fact that it hasn't happened yet doesn't upset me, or freak me out, or whatever. BUT I do want those things. It is that time for me. I'm ready, more or less. What I know I don't want is to be 41 and want children and not even be in a relationship (true story, we were talking about it today). I don't want it to get that far, and I understand that that means making some changes in my life, or really my expectations, right now.

Right, here's the thing that qualifies as being the worst part of being here, now. Whether I, and every woman in a similar time frame, likes it or not, there's a clock working. And that means that people you date get evaluated differently. No longer is it just: "I'm in love with you, or could be in love with you, and you're an amazing person." Oh no. I mean, that's a prerequisite, but within two dates it will be followed by "the list." You know EXACTLY what I mean. "The List" of things that need to be answered correctly because I'm not wasting my time dating you if there's not a chance that you're going to get me where I want to go. You know "the list." It reads something like this:

1. Do you want children?
2. Are you adult enough to be ready for a real relationship?
3. Have you had enough relationships to answer that question and not use me as a Guinea pig?
4. If we had children, would I be able to be sure you'd want to raise them with the same values and principles that I would?
5. Are you going to be a good financial provider?
6. By good financial provider I mean financial provider in such a way that doesn't require me to drastically alter my lifestyle.
7. Have you already been through both your quarter and midlife crisis?

And it goes on, because the older you get the more things you realize you need, and then the list ends somewhere around...

243. Will you live in a major urban city for the rest of your life, because I will.
244. Three cats, four tats. Take it or leave it.
245. If we have children, can we name them after Peanuts characters?
246. 90210 on dvd. Discuss.

And that's just silly, because it should be as simple as "I'm in love with you, or falling in love with you, and you're an awesome person." But it's not. You wait this long to find the right situation, and you get to points where you're sending emails to boys you really enjoy spending time with saying things like "We're having the talk, and an agenda item will be my dating purpose and how you fit into that."(tm a very smart girl who is going through the same things in life that I am - and THANK GOD because at least one person out there understands me).

And I'm no idiot. I know how this conversation sounds in reverse.

Other Person
Um, yeah. Wasn't it just last summer that you went on a four month party binge that was so out-of-control at the end that even people who like to throw down as much as you do were telling you that you needed to get it under control?

Me
I mean, that was ONE summer.

Other Person
How long has it been since xtine had to actually delete pictures from her camera after a girls' night because if they got out into the world they would be personally and professionally damaging to you?

Me
It's been less than six months.

Other Person
Did you just drop $500 on a ticket to Hawaii for no other reason than you felt like going to Hawaii?

Me
I get that the selfish, instant travel indulgences would have to stop.

Other Person
Did I just open your nightstand drawer and find an eighth?

Me
You sure did, because that's where I keep my stash.

Other Person
Did you drunk text me from Pure seven times at 2:45am on Sunday morning?

Me
I sure did!

And, in fairness, I just used the worst six examples I could think of without pointing out any of the questions that I would have answered in ways that would make me sound put together. But the point is, those are not the answers that you want to hear if you're evaluating whether somebody is ready to go into that next step or not.

And, obviously, I know that I'm ready and that those answers are simply the reflection of not having been in a position to take the next step for lack of a person to take it with. And obviously I know that probably anybody who answered the questions on "the list" with answers other than the answers that I want to hear could just be answering that way because they haven't had the opportunity either. So maybe it is still as simple as "I'm in love with you, or falling in love with you, and you're an awesome person." But it doesn't feel like it is.

You know, for me, in this EXACT MOMENT, it's a non issue because after two torturous weeks of head clearing and sorting it all out, I'm crystal clear on what I want. Except that what I want seems awfully precarious.

In which case, I'm printing out that list, putting on a mini skirt, some boots and a cut off t-shirt and handing it out on the strip until somebody scores high enough.

 

Recipes for "Found"

I stole that title from Hilary, because she is an amazing woman with an amazing way with words.

People gave me recipes for found. I followed them.

Shadalan told me to do something special for myself like take a long bubble bath and visualize what I wanted. And I did.

Carrie reminded me of this: "Let those around you help, if at all possible. As women, we try to be all things to everyone and there are days when we just do not have the answers -- that is ok."

Jayson told me to listen to some Leonard Cohen to remind myself what I needed. Particularly this one, which he remembered was always my favorite:

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin

Dance me through the panic 'til I'm gathered safely in

Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the end of love

Oh let me see your beauty when the witnesses are gone

Let me feel you moving like they do in Babylon

Show me slowly what I only know the limits of

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the end of love


Dance me to the wedding now, dance me on and on

Dance me very tenderly and dance me very long

We're both of us beneath our love, we're both of us above

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the end of love 

Hilary told me to read some Rumi and practice silence and remember that the only real control is surrender (damn that girl gets me). She sent me this Rumi poem:

SKY-CIRCLES

The way of love is not
a subtle argument.

The door there
is devastation.

Birds make great sky-circles
of their freedom.

How do they learn that?
They fall, and falling,
they're given wings.

And when I was reading, this is the one that stuck with me yesterday.

Ode 314

Those who don't feel this Love
pulling them like a river,
those who don't drink dawn
like a cup of spring water
or take in sunset like supper,
those who don't want to change,

let them sleep.

This Love is beyond the study of theology,
that old trickery and hypocrisy.
If you want to improve your mind that way,

sleep on.

I've given up on my brain.
I've torn the cloth to shreds
and thrown it away.

If you're not completely naked,
wrap your beautiful robe of words
around you,

and sleep.

And strangely, this morning, we found "found" together. And found for me was to realize that, even though there are three of us taking a journey at the same time, on the next part of the path, there's only room for two. And so, for me, "found" means letting go of the hand I've been holding on to and letting myself float away into the universe. And probably, honestly, I'm the only one of the three of us who trusts the universe enough to do that. But I was born under a lucky star and I've never ended up somewhere bad when I've remembered (or been reminded) that the only true form of control is surrender.

And so I'm floating again now. And I know there's at least a chance that when the universe sets me back down on solid ground, it will be on a different path with a different destination and a different traveling companion - or no traveling companion at all. And even though I can't imagine how that would be, I'm okay with it. Because I can't make it so there's room on that path for all three of us at the same time. And I can't make myself okay standing and waving while they take their journey when I could be floating up into the sky instead. And because I know that the universe is going to put me where I belong in the end. And because nobody's ever written a poem that moved me that was about forcing life to be what you wanted instead of standing in the middle of the life you have and seeing how beautiful it is.

 

But Tomorrow Is Only Twelve Hours Away

I've been getting lost in myself a lot lately. I think that nine out of ten people who deal with me on a daily basis wouldn't know that if I didn't say it here, because on the outside right now I think I seem way more put together than I even normally do. I haven't had a "I woke up late and wore sweatpants to work" day in weeks (other than those days when I was taking sick days and just rolling in late). I've been hyper-organized and super productive at work. My place is clean and cat hair free. I'm rolling into the week with a plan for completing everything on my work and personal to-do lists without fail by Friday. I'm back in the gym. I'm focused when people talk to me. My inbox was actually totally clean for 10 minutes last week and I returned almost a dozen phone calls. Most people think that, at this moment, I'm a laser.

But the truth is that there's a lot of the opposite going on right now. I've got a set of emotions going on in me right now that I've never experienced before, or at least experienced to the level of intensity that I'm feeling right now. And those emotions are happening in what is, quite possibly, the least conducive, most loaded, almost prohibitively daunting circumstances that I could imagine. It's almost like if somebody had said, "Here's the most perfect thing that you could imagine, but if you really want it not only are you going to have to work for it, you're going to have to WORK for it. And I don't think that you have it in you to WORK for it because it's been so much easier for you in the past than this. So prove you want it. And as soon as you think you've removed one obstacle, I'm going to throw another one in front of you."

So I wake up every day knowing that there's this potentially life-changing thing right in my grasp, but so not in my grasp at the same time. And lately there's been this bad, bad, bad, internal spiral going on where the swing between these fantastic feelings that get handed to me like little handmade gift cards every day and these other frustrated, helpless, hopeless feelings about the other side of the situation battle it out in my head to the point where, literally, I stop in the middle of the day and realize that I'm emotionally, mentally and psychologically completely lost. And this lost feeling is totally new to me. I mean, I know the destination, or at least the desired destination. I know where it is I want to go and that I'm willing to do the work to get there. I just have no idea what turn I'm supposed to make to get there.

And I'm 1000 miles away from the only person who might be able to help me figure it out. Better yet, I got so lost that I think I got that person more than a little lost, too. So now we're lost together. And if I'm being honest, neither of us are all that good at maps or driving directions to begin with, so lost means lost. And any movie I've ever seen where two people get lost together and can't figure the map out then ends with some strange looking red-headed, freckled kids coming out of a corn field and killing everybody around with garden tools before stringing them up by the side of the road as an example of what happens when you stop paying attention and take a wrong turn. So I'm terrified.

Listen, I know my writing is horrible tonight, but I think that I should at least get props for saying "That's a lame metaphor, but I'm committing to it and riding it out to the very end."

I mean, I know enough to know that the only thing I can do here is get up every day and just focus on that day and doing the things I need to do in that day so that I can feel at the end of the day like I'm doing all I can to create a healthy situation for everybody, including me. So that's what I'll do. And I hope that it'll be enough.

I can't even write coherently about this, and I think that perhaps we might all agree that that's a sign that I must be really lost right now, because when was the last time that I said, "I can't even make it make sense when I take the time to write about it." I just sat here for forty-five minutes trying to organize my thoughts and feelings into paragraphs and gramatical structure and...nothing.

That's scary to me. But morning is only 12 hours away, and you never know. Maybe I'll find the road signs again tomorrow.

 

And so....

REALLY, I am part-way done with writing about Thanksgiving...and then writing about Girls' Night, and then writing about Denver, and somewhere in there also writing about all the other craziness that happened over the last weeks...and also the usual what I wish for you for Christmas REALLY is happening. And you believe that you will never see me honestly write again, but you know that's not true because you can easily go back to last year at this time and see that I barely wrote at all then, either. Because I'm busy with mine and Pook's 250 christmas letters and my 65-person Christmas gift list and a full email inbox and college bowl season at work. But...I just want to get something off my chest, such as it is.

Have you ever done something that you KNEW was wrong and hurtful and bad, and that after you did it you *should* feed badly that you did it, and you should immediately apologize to the person it was hurtful to - even if that person has no idea that you did it, and you should feel horrible about yourself.

Except that you don't feel horrible about yourself and somehow you're justifying that by saying that the person whose feelings you know would be hurt if you admitted what you'd done has fallen way short in many ways of their end of the deal between the two of you? Even though that's kind of bullshit (and fyi, we're not talking about ANYBODY who reads this blog, so you can stop stressing that it's you!).

Right! Happy holidays! I should just let it go and pretend like it never happened. That's what we'll do!