Miss me? I missed you.

I cannot believe I'm finally I'm finally back in ILovePaulJack space.

It's been a long time. Some of you know the reason. Some of you don't. I could talk about it here, but then I'd have to kill you. Suffice it to say, there were very clear reasons why I was forbidden to blog. But don't you worry. I kept back entries. We'll talk. And publish. And hopefully I'll get my writing mojo back sometime in '09. Maybe to start getting us in the swing of things though, we can do a tried and true top 5.

1. Oh, Canada. As of Friday, I am officially a legal worker in the great northern tundra of Canada. This has been a process, but the biggest process for me has been getting used to snow. Okay, that's not true. It's also been a process getting used to inflated cell phone rates, poor exchange rates, a noticeable absence of Sephora, a refusal to ship anything that doesn't suck over the border, a first-language that isn't mine and that I've never been all that fond of to begin with, and no Target or Wal-Mart. I mean, there's an equivalent, but Canada is 1/10 the market size of the US. It's not as easy to get anything and everything you want easily here.

Snow is hard, too, though. I cried the first day it was cold (and just about every day after). I realized I will not be wearing my cute, strappy, Vegas party shoes any time soon. Is that shallow and pathetic?

Don't answer.

Rooney has also discovered snow for the first time. Adorable? Yes!




2. Humanity at a New Low
I know that I frequently say that I think humanity is reaching a new low. However, I'm quite sure I confirmed it forever when I had to visit the Hilton Sportsbook in Vegas on Christmas day. Don't even ask what I was doing there. The story is too long and sorted to even make sense. I think it can be best described by this exchange, which happened later in the day at Kim's house during Christmas dinner.

Me
Man, the men in the Hilton sportsbook on Christmas were just creepy.

Kim's Dad
Any man in any sportsbook at any time is creepy.

Me
Yeah, but the ones in there on Christmas day really take it to a whole new level of special.

Or, perhaps better stated later when I said, "I guess there's a reason those men are alone in a sportsbook on Christmas day." But God bless the NBA and horse tracks across the nation for giving these fine men something to do on the day of Jesus' birth. And when I say "new level of special," what I mean is that I was scared to stand within ten feet of anybody. Then there was one small moment where I was standing in line behind a manly, broad shouldered fellow and thought for a brief moment "He could be attractive." Then he turned around and was actually drooling. I didn't make that up. He was standing there in the middle of the sportsbook and there was drool running down the side of his chin.

I bolted out of there as quickly as possible.

3. Speaking of Christmas at Kim's
If you can't be home for Christmas, at least be somewhere where the hostess is going to make you a pink girlie stocking and stuff it with chocolate martini mix and bath loofahs. Spend it with girls who want to watch "The Family Stone" on Christmas eve and who aren't ashamed to EAT on Christmas day. Thank you ladies of Vegas for a delightful "quickie". Wish I could have stayed longer.




See all of the holiday photos by clicking here.

4. Speaking of Things You See In Vegas on Christmas
I went to Sephora (twice) while in Vegas for 48 hours of Christmas. Because we don't have them here, and it's frustrating. The first day I went in it was Christmas Eve day. I walk in, and the store is humming with women getting their pretty, pretty. And then I look to my left.

And I see it.

The bench of neglected men.

These are the men who stood up and made it happen and accompanied the lady in their life to Sephora on Christmas Eve. It's assumed that most of these men knew that this would be a painful excursion for them, and it's played out on their faces. Heads cupped in hands, eyes being progressively rubbed harder and harder, intense staring at the ceiling while no doubt they pray that their woman will please just find that new Britney scent and Benefit jewelery box eye set. These men are suffering.

These men are soldiers in the battle of pleasing women. It's the little things. Men, take note.

5. And Speaking of Girlie Things...
I didn't get to do a top ten list of gifts for women this year, but most men that I know buy late anyway. So heres a quickie top five of awesomeness for girls.

a. The Urban Decay Urban Ammo Eye Pallette
As all of the girls at girlie Christmas will tell you, I was in love with mine instantly. There are dozens of smokey eye combinations that you can do with this, and the colors are dark enough to make a contrast but bright enough to make some fun. And it's under $30. And it's in pretty packaging. And it's slim enough to travel well. And UD makes awesome, no-fade eyeshadow.



b. Lovely by Sarah Jessica Parker
This is an actual conversation that I had with my new gay BFF:

BFF
You smell great.

Me
It's Lovely by SJP.

BFF
Huh. Usually when a star has a product, it's not that good.

Me
Yeah, but this really does smell good. I think she cares a little more than the average star endorser. Plus, I'd buy anything with her name on it.

BFF
Me, too.

That's really all you need to know. There's your perfume purchase for the year. Especially if you are a pathetic celebrity driven consumerist like myself and my BFF.



c. Flowering Tea Kettle
It's so Oprah, I know, but when you brew the teas in this charming little tea pot, they turn into flowers. It's flowers and tea. I sent one to many people.



d. The Everyman's Library Pocket Poets: Chinese Erotic Love Poems
I first got turned onto this publication during Knopff's annual poetry month email program when one of the included poems was sent as the daily email. The book will appeal to the sensitive yet erotic side of most women, as the poems really cross between love poems and erotic poems. Here's a sample:

At Night I Hear My Neighbor Singing
I cannot fall asleep at midnight,
overhearing my neighbor singing.
I imagine her red lips moving
till dust falls from the beams.
I don't laugh when she misses a beat,
just pull my clothes on to steal her song,
but when I put on clothes, the song ends.
Only the moon in the window still shines.

It's a lovely book, even if you're not romantically involved.



e. Sephora Smokey Eye Brush Kit
Better when given in combination with the UD eye shadow pallete, but just as good on its own. The nicest set for quickly creating awesome smokey eye looks. Plus mascara! And easy to travel with! And shiney!



Anyway, I'm glad to be back. I'll write again later this week and we can hear about my big L.A. adventure, and possibly also New Year's Eve if all goes well!

Missed you!

 

And...GO! A Friday Ten In Which I Give Up on the Rest of the Year

Ha! Do you like how I stopped the Africa updates right before the three single best days of the trip (lions, gorillas and zebras?). I actually have a rare 20 minutes of down time right now when I should be trying to clean out my inbox, but let's just update instead. There are many, many things going on right now.

1. I LOVE STRESS: I mean, I probably don't love the way that it ages me, but I do thrive on it. The good thing about the current levels of stress is that it comes at a time of year when I habitually get manic anyway. I'm averaging about 4 hours of sleep a night right now. You would think that with 20 hours of awake time a day I'd have time to answer people's emails or return phone calls or not bail on social engagements. Ha! Here's what I'm balancing right now:

- A stressful job transition that's also resulted in some bad mojo for some people who work/ed with me. So I'm basically working about 12 hours a day, on a good day. Literally, my day starts at 7:30am. Around 4pm, I go to the gym for a couple of hours, and then around 7pm I start working again. Usually until around midnight.

- November is NOT party season in Vegas, but we're determined to make our revenue goal, so finding people who want to party in Vegas during one of the months of the year when NOBODY parties in Vegas is hard.

- You know it - it's holiday season. I have a shopping list of 120 people plus a card list of about 300, and you know that the majority of that card list gets that custom, special letter that Pookie and I do together which is 3x the work of a card and 10x the expense of a card. And you also know that of that 120 people a lot of them get things that I make, and though I made 35 of something during the summer, that's still a lot to do. The good news is that I have "the spreadsheet" completed. The bad news is that I also have three months of late birthday presents that need to be sent out as well. Viva!

- I AM OUT OF SHAPE: Which means I'm running like a beast. I'm not sure how it happened. I was underweight before I left for Africa, but still in good running shape. I didn't gain weight in Africa, but I also didn't run. And then when I got back, I didn't get right back to running, and I ate a lot of pizza, but it wasn't all that out of control. But when I went for my first run back this week, I was sucking air at four miles. Not good.

- AND THEN I HAD A PANIC ATTACK ABOUT MY SCHEDULE. Literally, a breathing issue panic attack. I did my calendar, and I realized that between the time I got back from Africa and the week after New Year's, I had only two weekends where either I didn't have an out of town trip scheduled or I have people in town. One of those weekends is this weekend, and one is either the weekend of December 8th or December 17th, depending on which weekend I do "Holidays in LA." After Africa I had Halffington in town, then the eight million nieces PLUS Jess's bachelorette, this weekend is blissfully off. Then November: the first weekend Matty and Jess get married, the second weekend I am going to Vancouver, the third weekend there are LA girls in town, and the fourth weekend I'll be in New York for Thanksgiving. Then there is December: the first weekend I'll be in Texas for Paul and Kari's wedding, one of the next two weekends I'll go to LA, then I'll be home in Pittsburgh for the holidays, then I'll be in Arizona for New Year's. When I looked at that schedule, I had a panic attack. Because, if you're following, I have no down time during the week right now. There's nothing I'd want off that schedule though. So I'll just buckle down and make it happen.

Here's the most awesome thing about that schedule though. So the other day I was having lunch with this boy I really like (and who I think really likes me) and he said, "Yeah, I'm going to be out of town the next two weekends."

And I immediately made my pouty face like I was so offended that he wouldn't want to spend time with me so badly that he'd leave a weekend clear. And he looked at me like I was the world's biggest hypocrite and said, "We're both really busy people. That's how it is with people like us."

AND I TOTALLY CONTINUED TO MAKE MY POUTY FACE LIKE I WAS 100% IN THE RIGHT. Which is, you know, ha ha ha ha ha ha, because if the question had been reversed and he had asked me what my weekend plans look like in the near future, I would have been all like "Yeah, why don't you talk to me in January. That's when it looks like things clear up for me."

Awesome.

And so I am stressed. My plans this weekend involve locking my door, closing my curtains, turning off my personal phone (but leaving work phones on, sigh) and chilling out - even if chilling out means that I'm actually doing work, just doing it in the comfort of my (now clean!) home. There will be crockpot action. There will be outings to the gym. There will even be laundry (which I find peaceful and relaxing - the sound of the dryer running in the background while I look at spreadsheets). There will be reading. There will be holiday crafting. THERE WILL BE ZELDA. And by 7am on Monday morning I will be refreshed.

And by 10am on Monday morning I will be in exactly the same stressed out, maxed-out place I'm in right now!

Listen, this is me saying I love everybody, but anybody who knows me knows that I go dark in November and December, and this year will be worse because of additional factors. Don't hate. Just know that when I'm not emailing or calling, I'm wishing that I were. If you are on Facebook then you get more action from me. That's all I'm saying.

2. A Little Ditty for the Marketers: Yeah, sorry, this is only funny if you've ever run a marketing department before, but since a lot of you have...

Me
So, you know, I would need the data on x as it compares to y in order to decide what I wanted to do with that situation.

Other Person
Um, yeah, the only way to get that data is manually.

Me
You mean, like, read it and enter it into a calculator?

Other Person
Um, yeah.

Me
But...but...it's housed in a database!

Other Person
Yeah, but there's really no way to easily ... let me just get you a calculator.

Let me tell you, there's some automation about to happen here. I can't think of a LESS useful way to spend my time than manually transferring data.

3. A photo that makes my photos look lame: It's seriously like Mr. Holland's Opus in Pittsburgh. I'm not even joking. My little bro just out-ghetto'ed me. "Mr. J" wins. I don't even know what to do with this.



4. Car! Detailed! Yes, finally. For those of you who have been following the saga, a can of Pepsi exploded in my car earlier this summer. The car needed to be detailed before that, but after the can of Pepsi exploded, it REALLY needed to be detailed. You know how sometimes things make it on to your to do list and then just keep getting moved to the bottom because it's such a hassle?

Then a couple of months later, I accidentally left some batteries in the car during the high heat and they leaked. Then the car REALLY REALLY needed to be detailed. However, not so much, apparently, that it rallied my ass out to get it detailed.

Then LAST WEEK I was on my way to a meeting and I hadn't eaten yet so I tried to eat sushi in the car. And at a red light, I went to open the little packet of soy sauce and it exploded all over the inside of the car.

But you know what finally got me motivated to get the car detailed? My tags have been expired for OVER A MONTH NOW because I've been too lazy to get my smog check done. The last time my tags were expired I totally got pulled over for a moving violation and had to eat the other $150 fine for having expired tags. So I finally got my car into the Saturn dealership. Exciting!

And then today I mailed in the smog check and the tag registration and was so excited that those things could be moved off my to do list.

And then I got home and opened my mail, only to find out that my lack of paying attention had meant that my driver's license had expired and I forgot to renew it, so I'm now driving on a suspended license. HOT.

I am a HOT MESS people.

5. Can we talk about SMOS briefly? You know how every year around this time, when things start to get crazy busy in my world, I start this lecture about how "I REALLY need to do something to slow the pace of my life down?" And then I go into this whole inner turmoil about how I would benefit from slowing myself down, but my nature is to live fast and big and I'd hate to have missed out on any of the things I would have missed out on if I didn't live that way? Well, can I say that in many ways this year I failed to slow the pace of my life down (see the two month schedule above as Example A). However, SMOS has totally made me slow down at least a section of my life. I have the most lovely, wonderful, beautiful men in my life right now. And if I had been going at my normal pace, I'd be well ensconced in another relationship by now and would have missed out on a lot of wonderful things I've learned. So, I'm saying, SMOS is the best thing I've ever done for myself. I did have a little bout of "single insecurity" going on the other week. And Shimmy reminded me that that's the point. As she said, "You need to become secure in the insecurity." She is so zen.

Slowing my life down will, once again, be something about myself that I try to work on in 2008. The other one will be trying to be at my best even when I'm not motivated or not inspired, which is something I learned this year is a weakness of mine. That is all.

6. I went through a phase this week where... I couldn't stop lusting after Luda. Yep. Sure did. I mean, like, talking about how hot he was all day long to anybody that would listen. Then Pookie drunk IM'ed me, and he sent me a copy of "Sexy Motherfucker" by Prince. And then I couldn't decide who I thought was sexier. Here, ponder for yourself.



7. The best thing you won't hear on my public playlist this week. You won't hear it, because I can't find a copy to put on the playlist, but there's a 2 DISC cd set of mashups of Britney and/or Madonna songs that made it down the girl chain from Ang to Shimmy to me. All the mashups are good, but there are two I just leave on repeat and listen to over and over again. One is a mashup of Missy Elliot's "Pass That Dutch" with Madonna's "Holiday", and the other is a mashup of "Holiday" with D-Child's "Make Me Lose My Breath." AND THOSE TWO MASHUPS ARE SO GOOD. You should totally try to find them online somewhere if you can. I can't stop listening.

Also, why do we love D-Child? It's because of lyrics like this:
"Ooh
Two things I don't like
when I'm trynna get my
groove -
Is a partner that meets
me only halfway, and
just can't prove -
Take me out so deep when you
know you can't swim-
Need a lifeguard and I
need protection-
To put it on me deep in
the right direction.
Ooh
You understand the facts
that I'm trynna give to
you-
You movin' so slow like
you just don't have a clue-
Didn't momma teach you
to give affection?
Learn the difference from a
man and an adolescent
It ain't you boo, so get ta steppin'"

Secondly, here's a conversation Halff may not have wanted to be made public. He and I are in the car (unfortunately pre-detailing job) listening to said cd (disc 2!).

Halff
These mashups are way better than the original Britney and Madonna songs.

Pause

Halff and I Simultaneously
Except for "Holiday." That's a great song on its own.

What have we learned? Mash any song with "Holiday" and everything gets better.

8. Cat Blog! This is honestly how fat Sly is. This is how he's sitting: He has his back paws on one chair, his front paws on another chair and his HUGE GUT is actually hanging between the two chairs. I am a bad mom!



9. Because I need a number nine ... Listen, I'm going to come clean here. Because the Rockies are Ry's favorite team, I always put $5 on them to win the World Series at the beginning of the season as a show of faith to him. The odds at the beginning of the season were, like, 30 to 1. I'm sorry. I know so many of you are Red Sox fans, but mama wants a pair of $1300 snakeskin Versace shoes she saw the other week. Go Rockies!

10. And a playlist! When I get super stressed like this, the music sounds more like a nightclub. Why? That's so obvious. Because nightclubs are where I reduce stress. Here's what we're listening to in Jocelyn world right now.

"Do It Well" - J-Lo: OHMYGOD! How much do I LOVE the new J-Lo single WITH a breakdown from my boyfriend Luda? I've been warned that if I don't stop playing and dancing to this in the work environment there will be a boycott, but IT'S SO GOOD. I work to it, I do laundry to it, I run to it. It's the best thing EVER. Or at least recently. You can't even listen to this and then listen to "Gimme More" and take Britney even a little bit seriously. I LOVE J-LO.

"Lose My Breath" - D-Child, "Pass That Dutch" - Missy Elliot and "Holiday" - Madonna: Okay, I can't give you the mashup, but I can give you all three singles and you can imagine. And dance. You can imagine, and then you can dance.

"Sexy Motherfucker" - Prince: "In a word, it's you I want to do." Or, better yet, "I want to get to know you, tell me what you do, what you eat...I might cook for you."

"Sexy motherfuker, shaking that ass, shaking that ass."

"End of the Night" - Luda: I mean, I could have picked any song here. He sounds smooth and sexy on anything. That is all. If for no other reason, this song is on because of these lyrics:
" By the end of the night you gon' be wantin to marry a nigga
Cause I make 'em erupt like volcanoes, you just shake and you shiver
Get 'em up, get down, turn around and put your face in the pillow
Cut 'em up like Jason, just face it that boy Luda's a killer
Half man, half gorilla, beatin all on my chest
Pleasin all of your flesh, squeezin all on your breast
Givin you reasons to rest, and ain't never say no to papi
Wake 'em up like Folgers cause I fold 'em like origami
Hey mami let's get it poppin like Orville Redenbacher
The way you move once you started nothin could ever stop ya
Sweeter than Betty Crocker, and I'm ready to belly flop ya
Just mention today but for now I forever gotcha"

Yep.

"Great Pumpkin Waltz" - Vince, Guaralid: Okay, so you'll only get a snippet here, but I've been listening to the whole thing. You know how I love my Peanuts holiday dvds.

Oh, God, come on, that's awesome how I just transitioned from Luda rapping about dirty sex to Charlie Brown. Give me points!

Special Extra Bonus Item! So I can't sleep (shocker) so I log into Facebook because I notice that AshleyPooh has tagged a new photo of me. It is a photo of me and my niece Stephanie "recovering" on my couch the night after all of these photos were taken. Nice, Ashley. Thanks for bringing this picture to the public. I really think the comment I left Ashley on Facebook says it all, which is, "Why would you post this? I look like I just spent five days doing crack."

Which is also what I felt like because my body doesn't recover from staying out all night two nights in a row as quickly as it used to. But I have no pride, so I'll share.

 

Who's the Luckiest Princess in the World?

Dear (I Love)Paul Jack and (I Also Love) Dex,

THANK YOU! Hello Kitty Princess is so happy you sent her to me so she can spend her days and nights sleeping on the pink princess bed with me.



Hello Kitty Princess would like to thank you both for giving her such a good mama to play pretty pink dress up with.

I'd like to thank you for making me smile for three days straight and giving me something to hold at night that doesn't lick its own ass.

All of the men I may bring home to my bedroom at some point would like to thank you for encouraging me to create a bedroom that reflects emotional arrestment at fourteen years old.

But there are two other people who want to thank you even more! And their names are Mr. Redford Happy Cat and Ms. Rooney Prissy Cat.


"Ahhhhhhhhhh! Paul and Dex sent me wrapping paper to chew and pee on! They DO love me!"


"I will sniff any cat's ass, even if it's a stuffed cartoon cat."


"I KILL WRAPPING PAPER. I KILL YOU."


"I don't care that she's a pink princess cat, I'm WAY MORE PRISSY AND PRETTY."