For Those About to ROCK: The Annual Pilgrimage for Pookie's Birthday

I'm not sure if doing the same thing for two years in a row makes it a tradition, but I'm going with it. We've (by "we" I mean shamus and myself) all gone home for Pookie's birthday two years in a row now. So that makes it a tradition. And if we don't do it next year, it will be like, "Oh, we're breaking tradition. We have to go home for Pookie's birthday."

Also, if you would like to see my entire collection of pictures from the trip (including some by shamus and some by Pook and some by Honeydunce), click here.

And yes, there's something somewhat wrong about the idea that we've made Pookie so special that trips across the continent for his birthday are a regular event. I have no answers, per usual.

Firstly, you should know that this was the conversation about coming home for Pook's birthday.

Me
So, my DUI hearing is the same day as your birthday, so I guess I'm coming in for your birthday.

Pookie
Awesome. My sister is getting sober for my birthday.

Me
I'm not. I'm really not.

Day One: This is AWESOME.
So, I arrive Thursday night. I have breakfast with mom. I head to court to hang out with MD. Things are done. Things are not done. Things are sometimes frustrating. MD makes me laugh. I head to Pookie's house, where shamus is napping and listening TO THE MOST GOD AWFUL NOISE FUCK I HAVE EVER HEARD. shamus has apparently realized that a cab from the airport to Joel's cost $70. Ouch. He shows me gay YouTube celebrities. This is what we do.

We go to lunch. Pizza and tiny jugs of sugar, or iced tea if you prefer to call it that. We talk to an old lady about a bakery. We go to Jerry's used records. We have cupcakes. shamus cruises the around in a $300 t-shirt. I make the guy at the cupcake store listen to a five minute speech about how I wish I were bulimic because boys would like me better. Shamus does not like cripples. It's a good afternoon. Our sugar high begins to crash, though, and we want a nap, so we head back to Pookie's Hippie Shack.



And ten minutes after we nap ... the Pookie explosion busts through the door. And the world is happy. Though he needs a nap, too. So we all nap.

And then we head to dinner to meet up with Ferris and Honeydunce. There are two things you should know about dinner:

a. It is the first time that any of us are meeting Honeydunce, and while Pookie may not want to hear this, expectations are frankly low since we didn't like any of the last couple of girlfriends of his we met. Or didn't meet because they were noticeably absent at important events. And while we immediately fell in love with Honeydunce, I, in retrospect, feel badly for that poor girl. Firstly, when you put Pookie, Ferris, shamus and myself in a foursome together for the first time in over twelve months, it tends to escalate into an explosion of inappropriateness. At one point, I'll even admit, I go as far as to ask Honeydunce "On a scale of one to ten, how into my brother are you?" What's awesome about the fact that I just wrote that is that Pookie was in the bathroom when I did that and may just now be heating up in embarrassment that I did that to his girlfriend. The poor girl is literally bombarded. And I have to say, she held up like a pro. Like it didn't even phase her. She's the first one I've ever liked. She also had to put up with point "b", which is equally awesome.

b. We happen to be eating dinner in a Thai restaurant that is DIRECTLY across the street from the apartment building where shamus' uncle overdosed on heroin and died. And shamus happens to be sitting in the direction such that all through dinner what he's looking at is the apartment building where his uncle overdosed on heroin and died. For those of you who hang out with shamus and I, you know how sometimes I'll look at shamus and go, "You know, at least I think that the guy I'm dating now probably isn't going to put a shot gun in his mouth and kill himself," and then we laugh at that situation like it's funny instead of tragic because that's how we deal? Well, pretty much throughout dinner shamus would periodically say, "It's AWESOME that I'm having dinner and staring at the apartment where my uncle overdosed on heroin and died," and then we would all laugh like that situation was funny instead of tragic because what else do you do with that?

Honeydunce was a trooper. I love her.



After dinner we head to the Bloomfield Bridge Tavern where Allies has a show that night. Several awesome things, pretty much in this order, happen at the BBT.

- The Pens game is on. With just minutes to go in the third period, the Rangers come back to tie the game. The ENTIRE bar suddenly goes from moderately noisy to DEAD QUIET. Nobody is talking. There is no noise AT ALL. And then, with just a minute or so left, Crosby scores the go-ahead (and ultimately winning) goal and the place goes CRAZY. I feel entirely home.

- Honeydunce introduces me to my new favorite drink, which is vanilla vodka and pineapple juice and it tastes like a pineapple upside down cake.

- I eat six pirogies. Here is a note to self: no matter how much you may WANT the pirogies, they're not going to sit well with you after a Thai meal.



- Beautiful Kim shows up with her finance and somebody else we went to high school with. None of us remember the other kid we went to high school with, but perhaps that is because he probably wasn't hot in high school and now he is HOT.


- Andy and Fred show up and are, traditionally, Andy and Fred.



And then Allies play, and they rock. And my favorite thing about an Allies show is that Pookie spends a not insignificant amount of time playing with his back to the audience, all like "I would be rocking whether you were here or not." And Vesley, whom I hear is about to cut off the mane, hasn't cut if off yet and he lets it down for one song. And the band plays my favorite track, which is a track Pookie wrote after we got home from Hawaii for shamus' 30th birthday the other year. And teenage girls swoon and the Gods of rock smile and all is good.




And Ferris takes us home because Pookie wants to do shamus and I a "favor" by staying at Honeydunce's that night so we can have more space.

I should mention, by the way, that there has been no toilet paper at Chez Pookie since we arrived. I used the last tiny square within the first fifteen minutes. That is all.

Day Two: I got your Kayapolitan right here, and an Ass Cupcake
For the record, I have nothing to do with that Ass Cupcake conversation. I am just here to relay the information.

We begin the morning by meeting up with my mother in Cal, PA. By we I mean me, Pook, Honeydunce, shamus and...Doreen Conaway. Yes, my mother's BFF was in full force too. And later in the day Janet Batemen joined us as well, so it was all kinds of generational. I don't have a lot to report because the visit was in general extremely pleasant and relaxed and my mother serves lots of food and I wash my hair over a sink which is CRAZY since she just basically installed a new shower for me and I accidentally mention that I bought cocaine off of somebody that we all know, which, you know, is problematic information on many levels. And we sit outside and it's warm and breezy and smells like fresh grass and then shamus insists on putting his balls near my face and EVERYTHING IS RUINED LIKE ALWAYS.

Though, you know, that move on his part is really only fair since in Hawaii that one time I stuck my bikini clad butt right in his face. We're even now. Here are some pictures of the day.






Joel, shamus and Honeydunce head back to nap. I take a trip to Chez Woo to visit C-Woo and Tyler and Cienna. Those kids are getting ridiculously big. Cienna is so articulate now - she can have a full conversation with you if she feels so inclined. She's also quite good at getting her way. She'll stand in front of you with a book and big eyes. If you don't read it, she'll just open the book and put it on your lap. Eventually you realize that she's headstrong like her mama and she's going to win. And Tyler is just a flirt. Who likes food. And hockey. We know which parent he takes after. And it's so nice to catch up with C-Woo because she's one of the only people I know who will listen to some of the retardo decisions I'm making right now and not just say, "You're a moron." It's almost like she expects them, which is a good and bad thing.



After that but before a non-existent nap that I had planned on, I meet up with shamus and Ferris for more cupcakes. We take our cupcakes and our coffee and go sit on the steps of a church in Squirrel Hill. I first start explaining that part of the reason that I don't move back to Pittsburgh is because of the lack of eligible men to date. I mean, I'm not going to die alone or anything because I've got some cats and some gays, but I might like to find somebody ... someday. This confession immediately turns into a fun game for the boys called "What about him?" "What about him?" sounds a lot like this:

"What about that douchebag in the track pants and sandals?"

"What about the old guy?"

"What about the punk rock teenager? Oh, wait, he's a little old by your standards."

"What about the guy with bad hygiene?"

And on and on. Then, a conversation that I don't even understand begins to happen about eating cupcakes out of asses. I mean, I don't even pretend to acknowledge what was said. That is all.

We make it back to Pookie's. There is no nap time. There is change and roll out time. So I change, and we roll out. To official birthday dinner, which is at this place.

Joining us at dinner are Moon and C-Woo. B-Funk mystically disappeared on us, but that's how he rolls.

I have many favorite parts of dinner. In no particular order:

- Well, one could not overlook the invocation of "ass cupcake" throughout the entire meal. I'm still unclear as to whether "ass cupcake" is a term of endearment or a verb. I'm not sure I want to know.

- Oh yes, Honeydunce steals Ferris' move and the unicorn is brought out in full force. That's really just funny every time. It's like the jackal, but not.



- Political debate 2008, at which point I move seats. In this argument, Moon argues, shamus may or may not argue (I couldn't tell), C-Woo tries to argue and is shut out and really they're all pretty much on the same side in the end, which is the strange part.

- "Oh, I knew your last boyfriend, I was out on the trail with him when you two were breaking up! He was pretty upset." This is by far my FAVORITE moment. It was actual perfection. If I could have reached across and kissed Moon for giving us that moment, I would have.

I'm not sure if this means that we rock, or that we're middle-aged, but we closed that tapas and martini joint DOWN.




And then ... off into the night.

The Last Morning: On a scale of one to five ...
We spend the last morning before shamus and I fly out at the 61c having coffee. We play this game: "On a scale of 1 to 5, how would you rate Pookie's life so far in the category of (insert category) by the age of 31?"

Pookie doesn't like the game and decides that we ALL have to play if we're going to play.

The next category up is "fashion."

Ferris is wearing a Mac OS X t-shirt. His excuse is that he's headed home to do yard work.

Me
I give Ferris a 2.5 for fashion.

Pookie
I'll give him a 3.5. It makes a statement.

shamus
I give him a stupid point dumb.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, pretty much sums us up. Stupid.Point.Dumb.

Till next year, when hopefully my DUI will be resolved and we once again turn Pookie's birthday into a federal holiday.

 

I Am Losing My Vibrant Fertility: A Monday 10 To Get Us Through to Spain

I know. I have read the emails and I miss you all too. Go look at last February and you'll notice that I didn't write much then, either. But I do have a Monday 10. Which is probably more like a Tuesday 10 by the time I get done with it, because I am busy.

1. Why I Heart Joe
I heart Joe for many reasons, not the least of which is that he doesn't take shit from me. I heart Joe because he's completely unapologetic for not being wired for relationships. I heart Joe because he's funny. I heart Joe because of conversations like this one:

Me
Hey, what would you do if I got all childish on your ass and told you not to call or email me until after I got back from my vacation? Would you be sweet and nice and then send an email trying to figure out why I was so upset?

Joe
No. What I would do is to never, ever call or email you EVER again. EVER.

Me
That's what I thought. That's probably why we get along. To a point.

2. New Allies CD: If you haven't picked up the new Allies cd yet, you should. Rock with harmony. I wish I could give you a link, but well...I can't find one. But you can email Pook if you want a copy. I don't much care for the first track, but I love everything after that. And I'm old, so, you know. It really is good. Especially the third track. You know, Allies is the re-making of the LEGENDARY Pittsburgh rock group Pikadori. I'm just saying.

3. Why I Love Candy: Because I went batshit crazy with anger while I was home and sent a series of insane pissed of texts to her because she was who was there to listen. Thanks, sweets. That couldn't have been fun for you.

4. Oh, by the way...Madrid. Yes, I'm leaving Wednesday morning. Some people are asking, "Why Madrid for this birthday?" Well, yes, two reasons. The first is that usually my birthday is such a spectacular time, and last year it was COMPLETELY SHITTY THANK YOU VERY MUCH CHARLER. Anyway, I want to reclaim it. The second is because my OBGYN actually said to me at my annual exam in December the following, "I see that you're turning 34 this year. You know, that's considered to be your last year of vibrant fertility. After that, you actually fall into the high risk category if you get pregnant."

I only wish I were making that up. He used those words. "Vibrant fertility." And I kind of figured that if what I'd basically done is make a lot of life choices about traveling and partying that may or may not have taken away the baby dream, I should really blow it out for my birthday. And so that's what we're doing.

Princess D, Lis, Larry - I'M SO EXCITED! WE'RE GOING TO HAVE SUCH A RIDICULOUS TIME.

5. Other People Whose Stuff Online Is More Entertaining Than Mine: You should listen to my friend Brent in Montreal doing his morning sports radio show. 8-9am EST on Mondays. That's 5am PST for my west coast people. I understand that most of my west coast people are not compulsive insomniacs and 5:00am isn't a time when you've already been up for half an hour, but if you are (or if you're on the east coast), you can listen by clicking the (don't mock me for being obvious) listen link here. I promise he's more entertaining than anything I've written lately.

Then again, I'm about to leave for Spain, and trips like that usually result in good stories.

6. Dear Trick: That is EXACTLY why I have a blog. Except that I'm not allowed to blog about the "unfortunate incident" since not everything is resolved yet. So expect an email full of stories of my poor behavior and its unfortunate outcomes. Love you, mean it.

7. Why I Heart Old People: I was seated next to this sweet, sweet old man at the fight on Saturday, and he spent the night telling me bad jokes and playing memory retention games with me.

What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture

What do you call a homosexual Irishman?
Gaelic

What food cuts your sex drive in half?
Wedding cake

It went on like this. Also, can you name seven sports teams (NHL, NBA, MLB) whose team names don't end in "s"? Fun times.

8. Why You're Jealous You're Not on this Spain Trip: Because you're not doing this with us, as suggested by Jen's sister, who lives in Madrid and gave us the 411:

"No big night out (and Madrid is known for it's neverending nightlife) is complete without a trip to San Gines, a chocolatería where you must order their famous chocolate con churros. http://www.vivirmadrid.com/gastronomia/chocolateria-san-gines/"

I just reduced Madrid to chocolate.

9. I already know... that I need to take the Christmas song down off of my MySpace page. Thank you for the reminders. At this point, it's really a matter of principle to see how long I can leave it up. Kind of like my mother's holiday tree.

10. I'm out of material: Let's be honest, I've been out of material since item number 8. Oh, I know!!!! Enjoy the Sarah Silverman "I'm Fucking Matt Damon" video. That step segment is priceless.

 

Hit It: A Tuesday Five Before We Break Back Into Holiday Coverage

1. OH MY GOD THE RIVERS CUOMO RELEASE DROPPED TODAY!!!! MY DOWNLOAD FINGER COULDN'T HIT THE BUTTON FAST ENOUGH. Don't call me. DON'T. I will be listening to this album all day every day for the rest of the week because it is AMAZING.

2. C-Woo has a blog now! It's in the link list and you can access it here! And I'll probably be referencing it all the time because I always reference her MySpace blog, which you can't see and which I hear may be going away even though apparently we've all told her not to bail on MySpace. So, anyway, enjoy.

3. Happy Valentine's Day. Listen, given the givens of the "complications" of my life right now, Valentine's Day was going to be interesting anyway. But now, now it will not be. Because what I will be doing on Valentine's Day is going to my DUI arraignment. Yes. That will be my Valentine's Day. A courtroom. Special thanks, by the way, to Moon for gently guiding me on this. Wanna know how much love my friends show? Here are some responses when I informed them that I'd be spending Valentine's Day in court.

Said Pookie: "I'll take you out to dinner...or, um, deliver it to your holding cell ;)"
(Could you, Pook? Could you do that? Awesome. Maybe even a bottle of wine.)

Said McD: "I'll send you a heart-shaped box of chocolates. With a file inside."
(Clever.)

From Darren: "What's the problem with that? Bring a date to the Courthouse. Or better, make your lawyer your date. Offer "Valentine favors" dependent upon the level of his success in the courtroom."
(Moon might kill me since he recommended my lawyer. Or he might be infinitely amused. Hell, for all I know, he recommended this guy thinking he'd probably get laid with me as a client.)

From Princess Dee and Big E: "Erik, 'man on the bright side' said that maybe you will meet a great guy also there for the same thing in court that day. And then have a good time with him, but then ditch him because of SMOS. He catches on quick."
(I don't even know what to say to that.)

Perhaps, though, the following story is my favorite story. I didn't have time to email the person who shared it and confirm that I could attribute it to them, so I'm leaving it anonymous though said guilty party is welcome to use the comment function to let you all know that he's the rock star being referenced in the story. The story is even funnier if you know that the person who's telling it has a house, a responsible job, three kids and just sent out a holiday card of his family swathed in argyle:

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, at least you didn't have to get picked up from jail by your pregnant wife at 3 am.

I think we were married about two months and Mrs. Anonymous was definitely looking for the return receipt on her husband after that one. Luckily, I beat it in court, which it turns out is pretty easy with a good attorney. Of course, the whole experience cost me about $2500, so now I consider it my tuition into adulthood."

(But I don't want to enter adulthood, tuition-based or otherwise).

4. Ashleigh: By the way, left for her fourth month bike race for charity down the West Coast of Africa. I'm so freakin' proud of her for getting out there and living it. Send her positive vibes please.

5. This ... is what I found in my inbox from Ferris the other day. I wanted to argue that Prince has never done anything that was a crime against music in his life, but, well, I mean. I think the video speaks for itself.

 

A wedding, a Poem and Lots of Television Talk: Monday Six

Pretty new fall theme, right? Wait till you see the treat I have lined up for you for the holiday season on December 1st.

1. Jess & Matty Got Married! And there are pictures here! ToniK and I brought the "class" to the wedding. By which I mean to say that Jess is probably the only bride in the world who has pictures, taken by her hired wedding photographer, of her at her wedding reception in her lovely gown getting freaked by ToniK and I. I like to think that we were invited specifically to bring that type of behavior.




But here's the best story. So of course, I have no wedding ring so I am dragged to the dance floor for the bouquet toss. And so Jess tosses the flowers. And literally, it's like one of those moments that happen in slow motion. The bouquet launches into the air and directly towards me. And in my head, as this happens, in slow motion, I can only think, "No, no, no, no!" And I stand there and watch it as it goes "thud" on the ground below me.

And then, before I can control myself, my natural instinct kicks in and I TURN AND RUN IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION FROM THE FLOWERS AS THOUGH THEY WERE AN ACTUAL MAN.


That's the very nice woman who picked up the bouquet and kept it.

You only think I'm making this up. Sadly, I'm not. SMOS maybe should last a little bit longer.

These, by the way, are my favorite two pictures from the wedding:

*Before Marriage*

*After Marriage*


2. Setting a Good Example: This is an actual text exchange that happened this weekend:

C-Woo
I was scrapbooking this morning, and Baby C-Woo saw a picture of you and said, "That's the fairy woman!"

Me
Ah! That just made my morning.
C

C-Woo
It should be noted that it was one of the infamous "ass up in a club" shots.

I mean, there's a lot to be concerned about there, but I'd like to focus on wondering what picture of me going ass up in a club is a logical fit for scrapbooking? I mean, really.

3. Best.Thing.Ever: My mom sent my annual box of fall leaves that she picked out of our back yard. I love my mom.

4. And also: I updated The Nature of Sand. Listen, I know that this blog won't look like I'm on any kind of spiritual quest for the next two months because, well, there's a wedding or a holiday party or a vague excuse to have a holiday party every.single.weekend. That doesn't mean it's not going on, though. That is all.

5. Television Talk! I'm talking about Northern Exposure over on The Nature of Sand. I'm watching season three right now (which either shamus? or halff got me for Christmas last year), which I think is probably the best season. I forget what season it is when that show jumps the shark. It's whatever season it was when Anthony Edwards was on the show playing a boy in a bubble that Janine Turner was dating. But while in season one and season two the show is about the story, in season three the show becomes really metaphysical. Stories about mortality, and words. One of my favorite episodes of all time was the one that I watched on Friday where Marilyn falls in love with a man from the circus who doesn't speak, while Holling and Shelli get into a fight because he "says the wrong thing." And it's a really beautifully done study of how sometimes words get in the way of true emotion. That show was good. In season three, that show was particularly good.

And then, also on Friday night (because I am so old that because I had to do double party detail on Saturday I stayed in to save up energy on Friday), I watched Rock of Love. How did nobody tell me how good that was? I mean, it's certainly no I Love New York, but those chicks are CRAZY. The eighties hair. Brett Michaels new, puffy botox face. The slutty stripper dresses. Catch the marathon. It's worth it.

6. Bonus! A poetry meditation! Hil sent this to me this week "in case things were still hectic", which they for sure are. I meditated on it yesterday and will in the mornings as well. You should, too.

Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love
what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you
mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting
--
over and over announding your place
in the family of things.

 

Are you bored of Africa? I hope not, there's a lot left. Here's a Friday Five in the meantime.

1. Just for Hott Scott: Yo, we made "David Koresh" into a verb today. You win. I mean, you won the first time you described my issues with emotional attachment that way, but now you really win because I've incorporated it into my own vocabulary.

K-Rock
What's up? I heard that you actually brought a boy out in public last night. Um, SMOS. SMOS. SMOS.

Me
Yeah, well, I also invited him to spend New Year's with me in Tuscon because he's awesome like that. But, you know, it's chill because I'm committed to SMOS like you wouldn't believe and he is, as I mentioned, awesome and totally okay with my boundaries right now.

K-Rock
Really? Awesome.

Me
I mean, though, making plans that far out. That just assumes that I'm not going to David Koresh him before then.

K-Rock
Jesus.

2. Just for Catwoman and Pookie: I gave you both the same ringtone on the iPhone! Can you guess what it is? Here's a hint! Once, we were driving home from the theater with my parents and Pookie kept singing it in the back seat and it made my father so angry for the whole ride. Deny your maker, people.

3. Just for shamus?: I want some pie. You probably would like your birthday present, but that's not going to stop me from bitching about the pie that I have not been given.

4. Just for Pookie: I'd type a bunch of running emoticons here and turn on my iChat so we could video chat, but you're THE FREAKIN' ONLINE JUNKIE BETWEEN THE TWO OF US.

5. Just for Hil: Good girl. Tuscon will be fun. Or at least there will be no shortage of things to talk about.

6. Just for C-Woo: Uh, yeah. I seem to have not booked that flight yet. Uh. I'm ALL OVER THAT this weekend.

7. Just for Shimmy: I miss you and I have a story you WILL NOT BELIEVE. In fact, I may just email you right now.

8. Fun with Facebook: You know what's obvious? I'm too tired to write anything good right now. Let's lift what other people have written because it's way wittier. So, I enjoy playing with the "questions" application on Facebook. This week I asked two:

Question: True or False: My new iPhone will make me happier, beautiful in the eyes of others, and a complete person.

Trick said: False. False. False. You were already all of those. The new iPhone will make you poorer, 135 grams heavier, and completely irritating when you make the new Britney song your ring tone.

(I Love) Paul Jack said: Yes, and you STILL paid too much for it.

Salim said: True if you feel happier about it and think others see you more beautiful.

J. Lucas said: False... All Apple products only bring pain, misery, and HPV. infections. In addition, you can't even MMS message with it!

Ferris said: Shut up. I hate you hate you hate you.

C-Woo said: YAY!

Franki said: False! Your iphone will only make you a complete person in the eyes of apple fanboyz. Eitherway, you're now another proud owner of crappy products.

ToniK said: Absolutely true. I now shed a new light on you. You were only kinda cool to me before you got an iPhone, however now you could be the coolest person I know

Emily said: it will at least serve as a nice party trick. people like to touch them...

And after Emily said that, I asked: A multiple choice question inspired by Emily. You and I are at a party together. You walk up to me. You want to: a. Lovingly stroke my new iPhone b. Smack my ghetto booty c. Pet me on the head and say "Good girl" d. Ask me to get you another drink

Trick said: e. All of the above, although I'll bet I wouldn't be the first one at the party to do that.

Kolodny said: f) Tell you to say "Girl Power" so that everyone knows you're still in my posse as Yenta Spice. Because we know that'd never happen in real life or anything.

(I Love) Paul Jack said: b times three.

Shimmy said: Really? I have to answer this? Fine. ALL OF THE ABOVE. Because I frequently DO all of the above, well except for A, and that's only because I have't met it yet.

Franki said: No choices here: A, then use A to perform B (repeatedly too), then select D and give you C only if you come back with the right drink

Lisa said: b. several times. and then tell you to get me a drink ;)

Slappy said: Holy Christ. I'm leaning towards D, but tatsa only because I already know you'd have someone else around to fetch that drink for me.

ToniK said: Beee atch get me another drink! Love you mean it!

K-Rock said: It depends on where we're at. It would probably start with B, then D, then C, then as the drinks progressed, I'd probably ask for the JesusPhone for drunk texting action. 'Cause that's how I roll.

 

Feminism, Fitzgerald and 90210: A Friday Five that Doesn't Ramble, and Then Does, and Then Doesn't

I know, I know. I didn't write that condom/sushi story that I promised this week. I will, I will. NFL kickoff week. You know how it is.

1. Friday Literary Intellectualism. Or Neo Feminism. Or anti-Feminism. Take your pick. Let us begin this week with an examination of a quote from F. Scott Fitzgerald's seminal novel and study of the innate schizophrenia of the elite class in the French Rivera in the 1920s, Tender is the Night. The quote: "Women are necessarily capable of anything in their struggle for survival and can scarcely be convicted of such man-made crimes as 'cruelty.'"

You know, as I read that quote tonight, I remembered the first time I had read that quote, way back in my freakin' college days. And I remember what a powerful impact that concept had on me. Because it's true. Or as I like to say it, "Women folk are crazy." In my older years, I have come to believe that part of empowering each other as women is not so much to deny our natural state of crazy, particularly since our state of crazy is, in my opinion, almost a direct result of the subjugation of women in society (and, yes, I believe that that subjugation exists almost as strongly as it ever has). I've always been very forgiving of other women's "crazy", even when it was maliciously aimed at me. It is not that hard from me to jump from abhorrent behavior in a women to a statement like, "Yes, but she is young and very insecure, and you can understand why she's insecure because society has told her that she's too big/too dumb/too unlovable/too fat/too unpopular/too unsuccessful. You just have to forgive her and move on." Or "Yes, but look how that man pushed her into impossible situations? I'd be crazy, too." Or "Yes, but she's had to fight to get everything twice as hard because she's a woman. Be forgiving."

And some would say that I am almost too forgiving in that manner. And they may be right. But I do think that as women we can't hold every piece of crazy, irrational, even "cruel" behavior against each other. There are things about the world we live in that force us, sometimes, to act in this way. We should be more supportive of the fact that the world pushes women into bad spots, makes them often do things they are unproud of, or not unproud of because they don't know any other way. I'm not saying that we need to be supportive of each other's craziness. I'm saying that we should hold each other accountable for it, but not point at a woman who has been broken by society/political structures/men and say, "God, CRAZY. She's CRAZY." She's probably neither crazy nor cruel. She's probably a product of something.

And then, sometimes, she's just crazy. That's different.

2. 90210 HEAVEN: I had at one point been reminded that in season two of 90210 there was a cameo appearance from Color Me Badd. Sigh. Happy. And tonight I got into bed and booted el laptop to get some work done and turned on my 90210 dvd in case the episode that was up was something I could listen to in the background. It was not. It was the episode that begins with Color me Badd singing "I Adore" in their MTV video, and thet you realize that Kelly and Brenda are watching the video on TV and then Kelly says, "Best video ever!" God, I had to turn the dvd off because I couldn't concentrate on work with it on.

Also, Man Band! In case you haven't watched this show lately, you should. And I will give up that I just stole this material from K-Yo, who is often funnier than I am. The former lead singer of Color Me Badd is on Man Band. He's the one who used to look like George Michael. Here's a picture:Yes, once he looked like George Michael. Now he looks like he ATE George Michael.

3. Rambling: NFL Kickoff: Is happening. Has happened. I feel suddenly overwhelmed and happily challenged all at one time. Uganda: Is less than two weeks away. NO VISA. Awesome. My Mom: I miss her. I always miss her this time of year when football takes over. KALM: is in town this weekend and we will partay like sorority girls. C-Woo: Got really drunk on jello and Crowne shots. Dork. Funki Franki: Has my heart (and my princess crown) right now. Sushi: does not need to be eaten for dinner two nights in a row. Peyton: hopefully shut you ALL UP.

4. Pookie wants us to enjoy YouTube: Here's one for this week. Pook sends it to me in an email that reads as follows:

Subject: hell yes
Body:
Only open this if you have sound capability...

I cannot be held accountable for what happens next:)

love,
pook



5. Playlist time!

a. Keren Ann, "Lay Your Head Down": I am so in love with this song right now. It's the most fucking beautiful song in the world. I can't stop listening to it. Oh my GOD.

b. Color Me Badd, "I Wanna Sex You Up": As part of our tribute to the band, the legend, the music. Still good. "Girl, you make me feel real good. We can do it till we both wake up." WHAT IS THAT LYRIC?

c. Colbie Caillat, "Bubbly": Come on, it's a cute song.

d. Howie Day, "Collide": Because I haven't be able to stop listening to it (and the live version) since I got back from Denver.

e. Christina Aguilera, "Infatuation": It's not "Dirty," but it is one of my most favoritist xtina songs ever. "I gave my heart away to soon and that's how I became your mother." Yep. But the story and the rhythm are beautiful. And we should celebrate xtina's baby.

 

SMOS vs. SMOA

Oh, people, let me promise you that this one is a winner if you follow me to the end.





Firstly, it was girls' Saturday in Denver this weekend, by which I mean Princess Night. Here are the rules of Princess Night:

- The first rule of Princess Night is do not speak of Princess Night unless it is on your blog

- The second rule of Princess Night is that all of the following are required: sparkling tiaras, fairy wands, margaritas, chips and salsa, tarot cards, dancing to Britney Spears on the patio, singing along to Howie Day like you're all fourteen again and singing along to the radio at your sleepover.

- Not required but good to have in the day leading up to Princess Night are The Man Band, Casino Royale, Kiran, ramen, goyoza, new bath product, coffee, pastry and napping.

- The third rule of Princess Night is feel fearless about telling each other the truth about love, life, spirituality, dating men with children (which two of us are doing), dieting, drinking, baby making sex, non-baby making sex, feeling lost, feeling fearful, feeling empowered, feeling like you're on a good path, feeling insecure, feeling drunk. Mostly though you need to be fearless about talking about your own failings in those areas.

- The fourth rule of Princess Night is wear something with an elastic waistband. My bad.

It was a good Princess Night. And over ramen and Kiran and then over margaritas and chicken enchiladas, SMOS vs. SMOA was established.

Me
I'm completely dedicated to this six months of single concept.

K-Yo
SMOS, you mean?

Me
Oh, an acronym! Perfect. Every project is more successful with an acronym.

K-Yo
Hey, but, you know, what about you and that cute boy with the sexy glasses?

Me
Oh, but, I mean, we're not exclusive.

K-Yo
But you would say you're dating, right?

Me
Yes, but not exclusively. Dating other people as well. So it's still SMOS.

K-Yo
No, it's SMOA.

Me
?

K-Yo
Six Months of Available. That's different. If you're dating somebody regularly, you're not getting all of the same growth you'd get with SMOS because you still have the security of knowing that somebody wants you.

Me
Oh. I think you're right.

K-Yo
SMOS would mean you never dated anybody for longer than a month during that time period.

Me
Oh.
Really?

K-Yo
Yes.

(long pause while I think it through)

Me
What if at the end of the month, after the expiration date on dating the person had hit, it just became about sex? What if we weren't dating anymore, but we were still having sex?

K-Yo
Could you really do that without getting emotionally attached?

Me (gives look of "Have you met me?")
Yes. Surely. You just have to have rules that limit things like time and nature of conversation before and afterward. A good set of rules can totally avoid the emotional connection. Yeah. Sure.

K-Yo
You need to have an actual set of rules drawn up then. I'm not sure I trust you to stick to them if you started to get really into somebody.

Me
Sure. I think next week I'll ask DCWP to do that for me. He's good at that sort of thing.

K-Yo
I think SMOS is important for you. I don't think you'll get what you're looking for out of SMOA.

Me
So much about this conversation is fucked up, but mostly just that we're having it.

And so that was girls' weekend. I love those girls. Ladies, ladies of ILovePaulJack, BEGIN TO SAVE YOUR PENNIES NOW (unless you are about to purchase a home in which case you will read that sentence and then ask me if I know that I'm an asshole for forgetting that every penny you have is going to your new home for your children - LOVE YOU CANDY). Dee, K-Yo and I are planning a girls' trip to Madrid next February. We picked February because it's off season and cheaper to travel, but it's also my birthday month so, you know, awesome. We picked Madrid for three reasons: sangria, it's language friendlier for most of us, men. MEN. And SMOS doesn't really end until February, so that works out. I'll send an email, but you know you want to come (please come).

You can commit to coming and then bail due to pregnancy or incarceration. Sadly, those are BOTH concerns with this crew.

 

Let's Go Have Breakfast at a Snotty French Patissiere in the Bellagio Recommended by a Gay Male Escort

Which is how shamus and I spent our Sunday morning. But there was lots before that, too.

"The fun" started on Friday evening. After a run to Sephora, we went to dinner at Michael Mina. shamus didn't think that it was funny when I turned to him in mock horror as we entered the restaurant and said, "I can't believe you left your wife-beater" at home. It would have been perfect to wear here."

There are the usual shamus challenges with the menu. I eat more foie gras than any person should have in any one sitting. We essentially force them to set up a wine tasting for us like we're something special. We REALLY like the water and send an email off of my phone to remind ourselves of the name so we can track it down (because it's a snotty import called Llanllyr Source). It's nice. If I had endless cash and a super fast metabolism, I'd have that kind of meal before going drinking every night that I went drinking.

We have some goofy gays take some goofy pictures of us in the goofy Bellagio floral display for the Fourth of July. Here's a sampling.


Me to the gay taking this picture, "This dress makes me look like a bubble." The gay to me, "A bubble of perfect!"


So crazy! shamus with the fake lemonade stand!

It's not time to head to Caramel yet, so we decide to have a drink in the Baccarat Bar. This bar, which xtine and I like to refer to as the bar where the youngins seem to hang out. In fact, I may be able to summarize what happens next with this exchange.

1. I text xtine a picture of the couch featured in just about all of these photos and the message "Your favorite couch in Vegas misses you."

2. She texts back "Tell it I miss it too. At least it seems as though there are no 23 year olds attached to it this time."

3. I text her back this picture and this message:

"Actually, there are two 23 year old Aussies attached to it."

Because this is what happened. When shamus and I walked into the Baccarat Bar, there were no open seats. There were a couple of Gays we were going to go introduce ourselves to and go sit with, but then it looked like the two young gents above were leaving. It turns out that they were only cashing out because their waitress was leaving, but when I asked them that, they insisted that even though they weren't leaving, shamus and I should have a seat. They were fine. The one was freakishly tall (six foot seven, yo). We got to hear all about Australia. They thought shamus and I were related, which is cute. They were fine, but we were ready to be done with them by the time it was time to go. However, important later, I stupidly say, "Yeah, well, if you don't love Pure, and most people don't once they're actually in, we'll be at Caramel if you want to stop by." I surely did.

And then our people all show up and we all head over to Caramel. I will tell you know that you can see ALL of the pictures from that evening here. There are at least three of them where the caption just reads "This is me showing you how to be classy in a club." Enjoy. I've included some of my favorites below though.

Mindy is our server at Caramel. She loves her own name. She also loves Scottie. See how much Mindy and her pale-face love Scottie? Yep. That's love.



There are some highlights. For the record, those highlights don't include me drinking vodak out of the bottle. It also doesn't include when I porno-ed my ass into the air or tried to hump shamus' shoulder. Highlights would include when Sean did those same things after I did. Ha.

One highlight was the dancing man. He was dancing in the middle of the club, if by "dancing" you meant seductively rubbing up and down against the table. GROSS. There was also the hooker, and outside of the stimulating conversation with Mindy, she was the highlight. She was amazing. First, the guy that this African Queen hooker was with was AN EIGHT FOOT TALL WHITE MAN. Secondly, she had on a hot dress, hot jewelry and FLIP FLOPS. Somehow, she managed to grind with dignity against her trick even in flip flops.

But the best hooker story was the one Mindy told us about our African Queen friend. So, you know, the first thing that happens when you get table service is that somebody takes away the lids to all of the bottles that you bought because you're not supposed to leave with them. Our friend the hooker? Ballsy enough to ASK FOR THE LID TO THE BOTTLE OF PATRON so that she could leave with it. Despite her flip flops and line of work, I had expected more of her.

And there we are, enjoying our evening, when suddenly the Aussies join us. And the first thing out of shamus' mouth to me? "Dude, that guy thinks he's about to get laaaaid." Sure, he probably did. Which is why it suddenly got so awkward. I handled this by drinking more vodak and acting like a fool to deflect.

Oh, whatever. Here are corresponding pictures of Sean and I going ass-up in the club to show you how classy we are. Or perhaps you've already caught this delight on MySpace.



It was a good night. I love my friends.

On Saturday, after I surgically removed Redford from shamus, we went to see Oceans 13, which I loved, but George Clooney on any screen wells feelings of love in me. We were going to just grab some food and head home for napping time, but then shamus decided he wanted to SHOP. By SHOP we mean go to the Forum Shops at Caesar's.

Ask yourself, how much is too much to pay for a jacket made of the leather of baby goats? Once you have a number in your head, email me and I'll tell you how much you'll actually pay for that. For that matter, consider how much is too much to pay for a pair of rhinestone accented sunglasses from Coach. This is the game we played. That jacket is HOT though.

And then we had dinner and went to Fremont Street. AND I HAVE SOMETHING THAT HAS MADE ME SO HAPPY. It's a picture of shamus with a half-yard of liquor on Fremont Street. Like heaven delivered.



I ALSO HAVE A PICTURE OF SHAMUS OUTSIDE OF A STRIP CLUB THAT WAS REALLY PROUD THAT THEY HAD 45 DANCERS ON STAFF THAT NIGHT!!!!



Right? Perfect.

I mean, admittedly we made an error. And that error was half-yards of frozen liquor in 110 degree heat. We did not love how we felt. We loved it even less as we became part of this crowd. And this crowd are homeless folks enjoying the free outdoor concert from the eighties metal cover band. I'm not making that up.



Yep. So we went to the Griffin, had some drinks, shamus and his GAY outfit got introduced to an incredibly sweet boy and I was happy that they got along. And shamus broke the ice with that boy by telling the story about the time McK came to visit me in San Francisco and got human feces all over his leather chaps when we took him to My Place. Ice breaker!

We slept well. In the morning, we were going to go to the Coffee Bean, but instead decided that, on the advice of a gay male escort (I mean, Jesus, can we ever tell a story that doesn't involve the invocation of a gay male escort?), we went instead to Jean-Philippe. I mean, why go two minutes to the Coffee Bean when you can drive to the strip instead and eat French pastry. And eat I did: a brioche, a Napeolean AND a crepe. shamus couldn't really eat anything, but he said the pastry was good. Here are two pictures of our sunny, sunny morning.



That's a cute picture of me, right? Yet I got this text from C-Woo first thing on Monday morning, "I'm so glad to be greeted on Monday with a fresh picture of your ass on MySpace."

I miss him, and his gay ass vintage jeans, and his shopping enabling, and his bonding with Redford, and his bougie, bougie ways already. Tear.

And for the record, the picture below is my favorite of the night. Both because, well, that's shamus and I when we're out -- those faces, that silliness-- and also because Hott Scott is there in the background with that whole "I'm not participating" face. Ha.

 

Big Time, Cell Phones, Snowballling and Mexico

So for a couple of days now, I've been trying to put a real journal entry together about my trip home to Pennsylvania to spend time with my mother, the Woodalls and Ferris for his big birthday (age STILL undisclosed)...and, of course, Pookie, Dana and Jai. And the thing is, I haven't been able to do it. There are dozens of stories that are funny to me, and funny to the people there, but they won't be funny to you. You know, because they're the kind of stories that are funny because all of the people involved know all of the history behind them, or are emotionally intimate enough to understand the laughter. So while the trip was amazing and perfect, it wouldn't be funny to anybody but us. But for those of us who participated, let us just take a moment and remember:

- Larry using a Buffalo Wild Wings as a locational reference point to guide me somewhere
- "I thought taking a walk to the park would be nice."
- "So what if I don't have a cell phone - I WAS THE FIRST ONE TO DINNER."
- BIG TIME
- "Clyde is here, Ferris. Brokeback it up for your birthday, baby."
- Japanese food and the missing server.
- Bar Louie and how somebody thought his move was to let that hobag walk in front of him and steal the table that should have rightfully been ours.
- BIG TIME
- "Did you know that your mother was in Guadalajara?"
- MORE BIG TIME
- "I'm so glad that cell phones were invented so that, while we're all here spending time together, you all can be texting other people who are NOT here."
- "Let's make some MySpace magic tonight."
- "Counting every blade of grass, taking a stand, starting a revolution."
- FANTASTIC cocktails at the Shady Grove
- Making ourselves sick with more food and booze at Gullifty's. I mean, like, SICK.
- Larry wishing Ferris a happy birthday by telling him about his sweaty ass
- My mom's cooking, including her attempt to lame out on stuffed mushrooms by microwaving them, to which we responded, "That's bullshit. Turn the oven on."
- My mom's face when the question "Did you know that your mom is in Guadalajara?" was asked.
- BIG TIME and BIG JIM
- Snowballing. Don't even bother asking.
- Jukeboxes
- "Everything is definitely cool."

I love you mom, Pookie, Ferris, Dana, Candy, Larry, Jai. Thank you for such a wonderful set of perfect moments. You can see all of the pictures here, but here are my favorites for reference.


Don't you wish you could rock to ANY music? Even the servers singing at Yokoso?


Dinner. Good Times.


Much like The Jackal, where there is bottled beer, The Unicorn will appear.


My favorite photo with C-Woo.


Sibling self portrait.

 

5 Thoughts for the Weekend: Like I'd Forget

Like I'd ever go into the weekend without five thoughts, Candy!

1. Speaking of Candy: Over on her MySpace blog, there's an entry called "Postpartum Stella" where we're talking about Stella-Got-Her-Groove-Back complex. It's pretty interesting, or at least I enjoy Candy calling that behavior out for what it is.

2. So, Uganda. Lis put the final nail in the coffin as far as my going to Uganda by sending me the full itinerary. Sure, the rhinos and gorillas and the Nile river and massive waterfalls got me, but the part of the itinerary that finally sold me on two weeks trekking Africa was the coffee. The itinerary doesn't list all meal times, but it definitely mentions coffee being provided in your quarters each morning. Any trip that takes coffee that seriously is a trip for me. And I almost have Larry convinced to come with us, which would be more awesome. Thanks to everybody who talked me into throwing fiscal responsibility and the reality that my job needs me the most in September to the wind to go see wildlife on another continent instead. That's why I love you all.

3. Completely Off Topic: Something awesome professionally happened this week. I really wish that I could tell you about it. I mean, it was so big that I literally didn't believe it when ToniK told me. I cant' wait to tell you. Can't, can't, can't, can't wait.

4. That said...People, I am SO BORED. Nobody bets on baseball. June is the most boring, boring month. By 3pm I'm going out of my skull bored. By the time I get home, I'm so tired from being bored that I need a nap. Send some email. Reacquaint yourself with text messaging. Do something to entertain me.

5. The last episode of season one of Northern Exposure: Is honestly a really, really good hour of television. I really love that show. It makes me want to move to Alaska and become REALLY eccentric. But only if John Corbett is there working as a morning radio dj and metal artist. Otherwise, I'm fine where I am.

 

Olive Or Twist?

That's the actual name of the bar Candy and I went to on Tuesday night. Get it? Clever, isn't it? Candy and I were very happy to spend time together. See how happy we were?



At "Olive or Twist", we had girl time and fantastic conversation. I also drank several of these:



And then, while I was not drunk enough to throw up in it, I was drunk enough to dance like an idiot around my favorite flower pot. The flower pot outside of the bar in the Renaissance on Sixth Street in the Cultural District. For those who are in on the story, I've thrown up in this flower pot while babbling incoherently about my "feelings" and "confusion" and "insecurity" while moon, my brother and charms94 all stood there. Staring. Amused. Confused. Drunk. Take your pick. Here you go boys! A very special picture with a very special flower pot, just for you! That flower pot will always have a space in my heart. Even when my heart is flooded with vodka.