Bitches, I'm ORDAINED

Sometimes, my friends do things, and I'm all like, "Um, have you MET me?"

An example, you say? Shortly after her wonderful vacation to the eastern shores of the U.S., in which she got delightfully engaged, Princess D called to ask me to be in her wedding.

As I saw where the phone call was heading, I immediately begin to cycle the following questions in my head "Whatever will the dress look like?" Which is when the shocker came, and rather than ask me to bridesmaid (which I would have been delighted to do, lots of photos with Princess D and K-Yo), Princess D asks me to officiate her wedding.

"You mean, like, officiate?" I said.

"Yes," she said. "You really have two options. You can get a temporary license in California, which requires some planning and you'd have to get here a couple of days earlier. Or you can go and get ordained somewhere."

And so, ladies and gentlemen, from here on in, please refer to me as Reverend Jocelyn Saurini.



I'm here, to meet your spiritual needs on a daily basis. Ceremonies can be arranged. I'm not joking. This is legal in all 50 states. Getting married? Christening a baby? I'm here! General spiritual guidance? I may ask you, "Have you MET me?", but I'm legally qualified to give it to you.

I'm sure Princess D is wondering what words of wisdom I'll be poetically preaching in September. I was leaning towards some Rumi, obviously. But then there was another passage I read by a South American author that I though I would build around. But then HWP (formerly Mrs. DCWP, but I decided she needed her own space) sent me the loveliest book, which may change that.

Prayer service commences this Sunday about an hour before the Ravens and Steelers kick off.

 

Sexes With My Exes: An Experiment in Art

So, firstly, I know that there is an impression out there that any time there is a "bad girl" idea, it has come from me. This is inaccurate. Sometimes, I am lame. Sometimes, I don't really want to go out. Sometimes, I just want to chill. For example, last time I was in Pennsylvania, Pookie and Honeydunce took Ferris and I to a "hipster rock and roll party." The party was thumping. The music was jumping. There were forties, and people were going to drink and get stupid until the AM. And I looked at Ferris and said, "Let's go home and play online scrabble and take pictures of the cats." So that's what we did. Sometimes, I can be lame.

I say this, because I am sure you would assume that the "Sexes With Exes" project at pottery night was my idea. It was not. NOT. It was Kim's idea. And the idea was that we would all make large, round serving platters that basically were pie charts of things that applied to our "sexes with exes." Yes, Paul Jack. I know that you must be very jealous right now that you and I did not at one time think of this.

At any rate, the idea, obviously, brilliant. And I thought I'd share the platters. Kim goes first!



So to review, Kim's list:
- Lamp breaking, sheet ripping sex (which is a phrase said Paul Jack and I used to use, which I am proud to have sent out into the world.
- What the hell was I thinking?
- Don't remember your name
- Took your virinity
- Misc. Locations
- One night stands
- Boom! I got your boyfriend (dirty)
- Walk of shame
- Cyber, virtual and phone (I'm personally surprised how big this section is in her chart)
- I wish I would have had sex with ...
- anal (I cannot believe your color choice for that! Gross!)
- Experimental
- Crazy in the head, crazy in the bed (It's somewhat sad that we all needed this category)
- Just don't even bother to finish (Which is even SADDER)
- Age inappropriate
- Oral sex really is sex
- Too drunk to get off

And now ... K-Rock!



K-Rock's list!
- Crazy in the head, crazy in the bed (We REALLY need to select better)
- Holy crap, you're old!
- The Big O
- Musicians (OMG)
- Peanut Butter Jelly Time
- In my parent's bed (Gross!)
- Oral
- Random bar hookup
- Somebody's second
- He smothered me
- Well. I guess so.
- 3 Ring Circus
- Experimental
- Are you in yet? (I cannot tell you how sad this makes me. This should never be on anybody's list! So sad!)

And now, I give you mine.



And my list:
- Crazy in the head, crazy in the bed
- Sheet ripping, lamp breaking
- It was Christmas, I was lonely
- I had sex with you while listening to Boyz 2 Men
- Age inappropriate
- Internacional
- Cyber
- Misc. Locations
- NOT my future husband
- WTF????
- Faked it.
- Didn't fake it.
- "Experimental" phase.
- I don't remember your name.
- I never asked your name.
- I was fantasizing about an American Idol while we were having sex.

That last one is embarrassing for me, too.

You, too, should learn to express yourself creatively through pottery painting.

 

"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. FUUUUCK. WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT FUCKING LAKE?"

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what I heard from behind me all the way across the one and a half mile marsh that turned into a three mile marsh that we hiked in the cold and the wet at 11pm, by moonlight. Did I mention cold and wet?

Yes, it was the annual summit trip, that turned into the annual hiking trip because nobody was able to summit. Before I even tell the stories, you may be asking why nobody was able to summit.

Well, there's an argument that we were wrong that this could be done in two days and that all along it should have been a three day trip (up to camp, summit and back to camp, off the mountain). I think that I think that it would have been possible to do it in two if you got an early start on the first day, though that climb down off the mountain on day two would SUCK. Either way, we ran out of time to try for the summit. Why did we run out of time?

Well, firstly, there were flight issues. Not for me, but I drove. I pulled into the hotel parking lot at 9:30pm. At that exact moment, my cell phone rings and it's PBM. We start talking, when it dawns on me. "Hey," I say, aren't you supposed to be in the air?" PBM is delayed in Denver. He should be in around 1:00am. Then I check my email. Frank is delayed in Chicago. He should be in around 1:00am.

PBM calls around 11:30pm again. I answer the phone, "Shouldn't you be in the air?" PBM's flight from Denver is canceled. He can't get to Salt Lake City to meet us until 8:30am the next morning, and that's going to be with little to no sleep. Awesome.

So, Frank gets to the hotel around 2:30am. PBM gets to the hotel around 9:00am the next day. We let PBM sleep for a couple of hours, and then there are still all the logistics of going to Wal-Mart for last minute supplies, driving to the mountain itself (several hours), stopping to see a moose (see below) and putting packs together.



So we don't actually hit the trail until ... wait for it ... 4:00pm in the afternoon.

I mean, we should have known.

The first day is an 8 or so mile hike to a lake. A lake where we will camp and then in the morning will pick up the trail to the summit. The idea, per usual, is to head for the summit around 2:00am, be back off the mountain (realistically) by one or two in the afternoon, and then off the mountain by early evening.

It almost looks possible. We're moving slow on the first stretch of the hike, but not super slow. There aren't thousands and thousand of breaks. But we started late, which means were hiking late. Like hiking as evening sets in, ie: it gets dark. So, we cross over this mythical footbridge, from which point it's supposed to be two miles to the mythical lake. The first thing that happens is that suddenly there's a lot more snow. We lose the trail. Okay, in fairness, Frank does not lose the trail, he stealthily guides us through. But if it had just been PBM and I, we would have been lost. So, the trail goes up an elevation gain, and then you come out onto a meadow that stretches for about a mile and a half. And on the other side of the meadow is the lake.

I should self-correct here. In the morning, when it is light but all of the snow has refrozen in the cold, cold night, it is a meadow. It's about a mile and a half across and you can walk it in 45 minutes and on the other side, to the left of the tree line is a lovely lake, and just beyond that lake is the summit climb.

This, however, is not what this is like at 11pm. I should note, that though it was cold, it would have been pleasant to hike across that meadow at 11pm if it were *dry*. The moon was up and almost full and bright and bouncing off the mountains and snow. The walk is flat. And yes, it was cold, but I was never too cold when we were moving and before my feet got wet. Oh, but my feet got wet because...

At 11pm when the sun has gone down but the snow has been melting all day, this walk was not so much a meadow as it was a marsh. And we had to march across the marsh. There was water everywhere. Big expanses of cold, muddy, water. In the freezing cold, so you wanted to avoid them. To avoid them, you had to keep crossing back and forth over stones and jumping over huge puddles. This meandering path turned a 1.5 mile walk into something much closer to two or three miles. Then there are the brambles. Since the path itself is now flooded with run off, you are walking on what would be the land surrounding the path, and that land is full of brambles.

It is cold. It is wet. You get wet which then makes you cold even if you are moving. You get muddy because, oh yes, it is very muddy. You get hit with brambles. You are tired because it is 11pm and you have been hiking for seven hours and you just want to get to camp and warm up and eat something. But you have no idea how much longer it's going to take you to get to the tree line on the other side of the meadow/marsh, and you're not even sure how much further the lake is from there. But you know that, if you turn around, you're hiking back for over an hour or so to the last campable ground you saw AND you're further away from the mountain, so you're not doing that.

I miss a rock and land in the water up to my calf, and my left foot slips in, too. So now I am hiking for however long we have to hike with wet pants, wet boots and wet socks. I lose a snow show in the brambles and don't even care because the idea of backtracking is so horrid (we found it on the way out the next day). I start to cry, OUT LOUD, and don't even care that the boys are hearing it. PBM steps in mud about a thousand times over, and that's when I start hearing the title of this blog entry from behind me over and over again.

We finally get to the other side and ...

... wait for it ...

we completely lose the trail. Can't find it. In the morning, we would realize that not only could we not find it, we were not even close to it. We were, quite literally, lost in a forest.

We give up, and pitch camp, not even bothering to get out the tents, even though they would have held body heat in for us. And it is cold. And at least two of us have gotten wet. Frank, apparently, walks with the hand of God guiding him around puddles.

In the morning, we finally find the trail, which isn't all that near to us, and the lake, but by that time, it's too late to make for the summit unless we don't want to be off the mountain until six the next morning, and that seems unsafe even beyond unsafe. So we agree to try for the summit another time, and head back down the mountain. Which is a bummer, but it's not like I personally didn't get my dose of "hard." And I got to spend time with Frank and PBM. And maybe next year I'll have a story for you where we actually make the summit, but not this year. This year, I have a story for you about PBM walking behind Frank and me through a marsh in the middle of the night and cursing to the high heavens.



That is all. It was an awesome weekend, even with the fubar parts.

See all the pictures here.

 

The Final Frontier: Text Message Sex

Who should read this entry: K-Rock, Shim Shim, A-Train, a certain girl in LA I know who is the master of the dirty text (yeah, you know who you are Princess K). And also a certain girl in Chicago who is supposed to be learning to talk dirty from me.

Who should NOT read this entry:

Mom - you should skip this and head right down below it to where the first entry about Spain is.

Person With Whom I Had Text Message Sex Last Night: Don't read this if you ever want to enjoy that activity again. Seriously. Just don't read it. Trust me.

Anyway...

So, as a little background info, I've had this long distance ... thing ... going on for a while now. It's not a SMOS violation (even though SMOS technically ended yesterday!). It's not exclusive. It's not even really defined, but it is a ... thing.

Okay, so media has advanced to the point where the big frontier is no longer cyber sex. Remember when cyber sex was soooo weird and we longed for the days of good old fashioned 900 numbers? Oh no, people, oh no. We have advanced to the point of being mobile while we fuck each other in a virtual imaginary world. We have moved on to text message sex.

And with it comes something totally unique to text message sex as a form of virtual sex: mobility. With phone sex, you may have to juggle that receiver between your shoulder and your ear, but the verbal nature of the act at least requires you to honor the privacy of being alone, usually in your bed. Unless you are a frat boy sharing the experience during rush. With cyber sex, you are by default tied to the location of your computer. But with text message sex -- ah, with text message sex, you can be doing ANYTHING while simultaneously having virtual sex. Think of the possibilities!

Or, don't think of them and I'm going to lay them out for you by telling you the story of my night last night.

So, last night as I was heading home, I get a dirty text from ... let's call him Boom. And I read it, and I smile, and I send back an equally dirty one and think I'm done for the night. And then there is another text with a prompt, and I'm like "Seriously? He wants us to get off via TEXT MESSAGE?" But, whatever, I was there with him anyway. So, you know, games are fun. But, mobility. That's not necessarily conducive to virtual sex, particularly if you have ADD like me. Here's how the night laid out.

Being Typed Into My Phone
I just got out of the bath and I'm imagining rubbing my wet body up against you...
Coming Out of My Mouth
Hey! HEY! HEY! Can I get a sirloin burger, a super size diet coke and some jalapeno poppers? HEY?! Is anybody in there?

Being Typed Into My Phone
Before we even make it to the bedroom, I slide down and put my mouth around your cock...
Coming Out of My Mouth
FUCKIT. That jalapeno popper is HOT. SHIT. FUCK. DAMMIT.

Being Typed Into My Phone
I'm gently teasing you for a long time before I slide you all the way in...

Coming Out of My Mouth
FUCKKKKK. THE GODDAMN CAT PEED ON THE CARPET AGAIN. FUCKING CHRIST. DAMMIT.

Hot, right? Makes me long for the good old normal days of fake fucking on the computer.

But the real issue is if you think of the future. Cell phones - Devil's curse. But they make anything possible at any time. Think about our society's obsession with porn. Then think about the future of iPhones in everybody's hands. Then imagine a future in which people just walk around all day with a dazed look on their face getting off via text message.

I always said my iPhone replaced my need for a man.

 

DANGER! DANGER! DANGER!

Three things happened today:

1. I found out that I was actually conceived in Africa. SO MUCH IS CLEAR NOW. I'm just being called back to my homeland. Hold your jokes.

2. Jonathan Cainer told me that in 2008 I MUST focus on my spiritual calling and my place in the evolution of mankind. He pretty much said it just like that, too.

3. My Jesus-loving neighbors (I mean that in the nice way) gave me a 90 minute lecture on Armageddon. It's here, you know. Matchbox 20 is evidence of this.

I mean, you can put the pieces together and figure out that this is all set up for an AWESOME 2008. Can you barely wait? I can barely wait.

Yet, despite my apparent impending spiritual quest, that didn't stop this from happening this holiday:



Awesome.

There 237 holiday photos. I'm tired. Enjoy the photos here.

 

The Summer Awesomeness Report: It was all very transformative.

Yes, yes. Embarrassing, but true. I'm actually using a table of contents for this entry.

1. The General Awesomeness that Was
2. The Summer-To Do List
3. How Everybody Else Was More Awesome Than I Was
4. And so while I'm gone, I'll miss you!

THE GENERAL AWESOMENESS THAT WAS: WELCOME TO SUMMER 2007
And so, I am not the kind of girl to stand and proclaim that a summer was "THE BEST SUMMER OF MY LIFE EVER." Mostly because I know the silliness of such statements. However, I will say with confidence that this summer ranks up there in the top five summers of my life, which, for the record would include:

a. The summer between my senior year of high school and freshmen year of college
b. The summer I backpacked Europe (which we actually just talked about!)
c. The summer between my sophomore and junior year of college (GayLynn! Dani! Party House!)
d. The summer of 2006 (China! WSOP in full force! Amazing!)
e. This summer.

And that's most awesome because we all know there was a dose of bad to start off the summer (which in my mind is May-September). But whatever, if you look at all of my best summers, there was almost always something bad that happened, too. Maybe the bad inspires me to go live big and have great times right after? Who knows.

So, May. May was a girlie visit for Memorial Day Weekend with the now famous story of The F**k Room. It was a visit from Ashley, Emma and Toni so I got to play "the cool aunt" for almost a whole week. It was also the month that Blake did "You Give Love a Bad Name" on American Idol. Yeah, May was a good start to the summer.




In June Hello Kitty Princess came to live with me. I threw a party and then Xtine and I tore it up in one of the strangest nights on Vegas record. I got to see Matt McD and hear stories about how he shot an M16. Also, "Age of Love" premiered. Yeah, June was the slow month of the summer. But work with me. Oh, yes, and by the way, Toni and I officially launched our new business. That was in June! I met both 1/4 Boyfriend and Greg the Wonder Boy (how's that one?) Oh, and Dani and GayLynn came to visit! So, maybe not so slow now that I think about it!





Because July freakin' rocked the house. I spent the Fourth of July out on the lake. I went home for Ferris' birthday, which also included a trip to worship Big Jim and lots of time with the Woodalls. Shamus came to visit. We tore it down Asian Posse style for Linda's bachelorette. I finally cleaned out the rest of the trash. I went on the most challenging mountain hike of my life. And J-Flo and K-Flo came to town for a trashy, trashy night of hooker watching.









And then in August I flew to Denver for princess night. I got a new tattoo. Toni and I threw the party of the century. I had an amazing weekend in LA with shamus, xtine, Shadalan, Charles and Luci. And Ferris and Dana came to visit and we had steak at the Voodoo.





And crazily enough, that summary doesn't include all of the beers with Wooderson or hanging with ToniK or fantastic food with Greg the Wonder Boy or secret lunches with Ry or girl time with Jess or dive bars with 1/4 boyfriend or fine, fine meals with RJ and any of a cast of sketchy characters. None of that even got counted there. Crazy, mad, good summer.

Through all this, I stayed with my summer desire to create (see next entry in TOC). I spent time with xtine and Shadalan and KALM and Angie and Ang and Linda and shamus and Ferris and Dana and Pookie and C-Woo and L-Woo and Tyler and Cienna and K-Yo and Princess D and Schlies and E-Stop and Frank and Dave Shaft and PaulM and AshleyPooh and Emma and Toni and (deep breath) Charles and Luci and my mom and J-Flo and K-Flo and Matt McD and Johnny D and GayLynn and Dani and just missing the time frame cut off would be ChrisS. And of course my Vegas posse who filled up my summer with fun times. And if I got to see you this summer and didn't mention you on this list, then I suck, and there's a comments feature.

I made new friends! (Hi, Greg! Hi, Joe! Hi, Angie Angie! Hi, Ang! Hi, Nick the British Lawyer! Hi, Martini! Hi, Wooderson!)

I had an odd summer of rekindling friendships in more potent ways that had backburnered for a while (Hi, Trick! Hi, Lucas! Hi, PDG! Hi, Carrie! Hi, Slappy (OH, WAIT, THAT'S WHAT I SAID! I'm not ready to go into it yet, though.))

And of course all of the other wonderful people in my life filled it up just like they always do and I love them so, but this is turning into a name dropping exercise, so I'll stop. You know I love you. I had a summer full of love!

And this is just the stuff that happened, not even the stuff that I created or the person that I grew into. Because this was a summer of realizing where my limits were and that I could push myself much further than I thought I could, which is the best thing that came out of this. And how does this amazing summer full of self-realization and unencumbered creativity and dozens fo beautiful people who gave me beautiful memories end? With a trip to Africa followed by a visit from Halff (which involves a spa and Joel Rubochon) followed by another visit from Ashley followed by a trip to Vancouver (Hi, Luca! Hi, Erin! Hi, Nic! Hi, Elaine! Hi, Todd!) . I am a lucky girl.

THE SUMMER TO-DO LIST 2007
So, at the beginning of the summer, I made this list.

That list is about a lot of creative endeavors. I wanted the summer to be about me creating things. Lets see how I did.

1. Finish my entire summer reading list. That would include: The Audacity of Hope, the His Dark Materials trilogy, The Beautiful and the Damned and Tender is the Night. I think I can probably throw one more book on there. Suggestions welcome.

Okay, so I read Barak (and talked about him a lot). I read all three of the Dark Materials Trilogy and talked about them a lot but in multiple places. I read Tender is the Night and talked about a very specific quote from it. I haven't quite finished The Beautiful and the Damned yet, but I have 48 straight hours of flying in front of me, so let's just call it "done." Completion grade: A+!

2. Finish all 50 copies of the Christmas craft project so that I don't have to stress about it once football season starts and I can give it the attention it deserves.

Done. Though, you know, I can't really say anything more here. Completion grade: A+

3. ENTIRELY finish both writing projects that I'm working on.

Seriously, and three weeks ago these were at about 25% done each. One is novel-length. One is a TV pilot script. I'd like to personally thank Heitz cellars, Duckhorn and, in moments of sheer desperation where I had to buy wine in the grocery store, Clois Du Bois for ensuring that I finished both of them to one-hundred-fucking percent! I mean, sure, I was writing the last page of the last one YESTERDAY, but as I board the plane to Africa, I can say that I wrote 145 pages of fiction this summer. And if you don't believe me, ask Pookie because I sent them to him to read. Completion grade: FUCKING A+

4. Finally complete the dress I bought material for almost four months ago. The shorts, too. I should just knock those out next week and get them done.

Okay, so, I only finished the shorts. I have no idea why I never got around to making the dress. Yes, I do. It's because of boys. There's that whole part at the end of the entry where I'm like AND NO BOYS ALL SUMMER LONG. And we all saw how long that lasted (hold your comment, C-Woo). Anyway, yeah. I spent a lot of time with boys. That dress fell off the radar. I'll do it when I get back. The shorts are hot though. Completion grade: C

5. Have mine and Toni's new business venture running so smoothly that it's no longer taking up hours of my day.

FUCKING A+ DUDES.

"Hey, what did you do this summer, Jocelyn?"
"I wrote 148 pages of fiction and started a business with my friend that paid for my entire trip to Uganda plus my huge tax bill."
"Word."

Completion grade: A+

6. Have Uganda AND my entire annual tax estimate paid for. Okay, that tax estimate one may not be entirely feasible, but I can get close by the end of the summer and then I can spend the rest of the year not having to stress about remembering to put that whopping 40% aside. That's a huge amount and it screws me every year.

So, Uganda obviously got paid off. I'm maybe $3k short of my annual tax estimate, which if you know how I get burned in taxes each year you would know is not significant. So I'm going to say completed. Completion grade: A

7. Refinish my coffee table. I've been playing with ideas on it for a while now. It's time to sand it down and actually do it.

What's also awesome about this is that it was ZERO PERCENT DONE on September first. Then I realized I was going to have to post this entry and went into obsessive mode about it.

"What are you doing tonight, Jocelyn?"
"I can't go out, I'm working on my coffee table."
"Word."

And might I say it's lovely? It's more of an inspiration alter than a coffee table.

Here's a picture:



The top is like a collage of images that are meaningful to me with quotes that are meaningful to me. I took pictures, but I don't think they do it justice. Then each set of legs is themed with a quote. I'm proud of it. If you want to see pictures of each section with the quotes I used on the, click here! Completion grade: A+

8. Clean my closet. It seems insignificant, but if you've seen how much clothing I own, you know it's not. And I keep putting it off because I don't like letting go of things.

"Jocelyn," you ask, "how is this the thing on the list that got all together ignore?"

Well, let me tell you. I could say "boys" again. But that's not true. The truth is that I would get ready to do it, and I would stand in front of the closet, and I would just be overwhelmed by how much stuff was in there. And then I'd turn and walk away. Completion grade: F

9. Minimum 40 miles a week. We all know I start adding weight in the fall. I'd like to be entirely optimized to minimize that by September.

I'm giving myself an B+ on this one. It wasn't consistent, but when I went back and looked at my mileage logs, it averaged to 40 miles a week. Completion grade: B+

10. Get healthy.
Which I did, so A+.

So, I guess overall I'd give myself a B-. I mean, that "F" and that "C" drag the average down, you know? But let's just say it, this list is rocking and I got a ton done. Rock on. I created art AND a business!

HOW EVERYBODY ELSE WAS MORE AWESOME THAN I WAS
Uh, so I did a little survey and asked everybody else what they did this summer that was awesome. And here's what they said, proving once again that my friends are more awesome and often better writers than I am.

Also, if you're not on this list, it's most likely because I suck and forgot to ask you. There's a perfectly good comments function down there to add your stuff in though! I'd like it if you did that!

Here are a few that I know got missed:
DCWP wrote his first book. It has a Library of Congress listing already!
Big D got a new job with a salary larger than the GNP of some small nations (not joking).
Di bought her first home!
shamus? started a record label!
K-Rock went to Clarion, but hopefully she'll just comment on that.
Scottie the Hottie ran like the wind.

From Trick
Cool. You blog so I don't have to. Perfect.

It would actually be a lot easier if I could just write you a list of the terrible things that happened this summer. It's so much shorter. If I get started on everything I have to be grateful for, it could be a long night. And you only wanted a blurb.... okay:

Top Ten Reasons It Rocked To Be Me This Summer

10. Twitter. My new internet pasttime is loads of fun and helped me break my addiction to reading rss news feeds all day. While I'm too busy to finish my unfinished outline of the first partial chapter in my unstarted novel, twitter reminds me that writing is fun.

9. Kings of Leon at First Avenue. Best concert of the summer, made better by the fact that a band promoter got me high before the show and let me in for free.

8. My wife got her tubes snipped during the c-section, so I didn't have to go under the knife to get my own tied off. In the immortal words of Homer, woohoo!

7. Finally cured a nasty bout with acid reflux that had threatened all the things I love (spicy food, alcohol, peanut butter and chocolate). Thankfully, I'm back off the wagon and rapidly exploring the wide world of distinctive aged rums, which have all the character of a good scotch at a fraction of the price.

6. Swam with my kids at least three days a week. Watched both of them turn into swift little fishes who are no longer afraid of any depth. And, bonus, we were members at a pool where the super Moms have more implanted flotation devices than their kids.

5. Turned 40, which might have sucked if I hadn't achieved my 40 by 40 goal and lost a load of weight that desperately needed to be done. Now I feel 30 again, but with twice the responsibilities. As a symbol of my age, I also bought a minivan, which is particularly ironic
since the one I had in college sported a "Kill Your Television" bumper sticker and this one actually has a TV in it.

4. Made biking my new religion and took a 4 hour ride every Sunday morning that always concludes with bloody marys and lots of scrambled eggs.

3. Grew a goatee. Is any explanation even necessary here? Just skype me if you want to see how awesome it looks.

2. Didn't watch TV. Okay, of course this is mostly a lie, but thank God that summer came and there was no more Lost or BSG or The Shield or Sopranos or Veronica Mars or House or Idol. Outside of Mad Men, I don't think I'm paying attention to anything.

1. Blake Truman Kendall heard all my warnings while he was in the womb and came out a happy baby that goes to sleep easily, lets me give him a bottle, and likes to laugh at all my jokes. Seriously, even at 3 months, he gets me. Not even my twitter followers know what the hell I'm talking about sometimes, but Blake is right there with me. He thought my Hobbit-ophiliac Gandalf was a laugh riot and I haven't lost a night of sleep since he was born. Seriously, not one
night. I had mentally prepared for the summer of sleepless nights, too. If all babies were this cool, the world would be way overpopulated.

I could go on, but any more and I'll have to start my own damned blog. Have a transformative trip to Uganda. Can't wait to hear the stories and see all the pictures.

(editorial comment: you made twitter a reason your summer was awesome!)

From C-Woo (or Candy, if we must use real names)
Joel and I once discussed the raw meaning of the word awesome. It was the summer of 1996, and we were driving on some back road in Coal Center--which is a cool thing to do if you're from a tip of Washington County so southern that it's basically Fayette County with better higher education. Not that there's anything wrong with Laurel Business Institute and Penn State-Dunbar (or whatever that branch is called). Hmm...maybe that's not fair. Maybe I should've said it's Fayette County without Laurel Mall. Ahh. ANYWAY...we were discussing the R.E.M. album Document, and I described it as "awesome." And Joel said, while he loved a lot of R.E.M., he couldn't describe it as awesome because, at the time, he liked to reserve the word for really special things.

"The Grand Canyon, Candy. The Grand Canyon. That's awesome," Joel said.

"But you're black shirt, Joel? That's not awesome?" I said.

"Ah, Candy. I want to hear about all the things in your life that are Grand Canyon awesome," he said.

I was 15 then. Grilled cheese and fries after midnight at Denny's was awesome to me then. Mazzy Star was awesome to me then. Driving to Newell was awesome to me then.

Now I'm 26, soon-to-be 27, and I've had more Grand Canyon awesome moments than I've deserved or could have imagined: a remaining high school experience that was entirely too hilarious for anything John Hughes would write, college with the best people and potential I've ever encountered, relationships that strengthened me, a writing job that paid well, other jobs that didn't pay well but paid the bills, incredible friendships, other friendships so incredible that they've turned into family, dare I say the perfect husband, and the two most amazing children God ever created.

While nothing can really rival the awesomeness that is motherhood, I'm so proud to say that this summer gave me one of the top 4 Grand Canyon-awesome moments ever: homeownership. Together, my husband and I bought a house in Mt. Lebanon. It came at a time when I decided to stop looking for a while. And there it was. Perfection across from a park. It could not have come together without the benevolence, love and support of some very special people--my dear Joanne, who has always been a second mother; the previous owners, who were incredibly generous and immaculately clean during their move to Maryland; the friends who made moving seem enjoyable somehow; the Uhaul rental facility that gave us a truck for 6 hours between prior reservations during college move-in weekend, the Giant Eagle manager who helped me stock my kitchen in preparation for the many visitors we've had since the move, and a very special friend who has helped me start my craft room in the basement.

The minute we walked in, we knew we were home. I could see our Christmas tree next to the fireplace in the sitting room, movie nights in the den, and our friends and family eating appetizers and drinking wine in both the HUGE eat-in kitchen with tons of counter space and the Tuscany-inspired dining room. And when Cienna asked, "Can this be my room, Mommy?" I knew I couldn't let her down.

The house, combined with 35 lost pounds and a lot of laughs, has made this one of my best Grand Canyon-awesome summers ever. (I almost feel bad for next summer).

(Joce, I'm proud to say that Grand Canyon-awesome has been my tagline for the last month, and I always add "And speaking of the Grand Canyon, one of my best friends in the universe can plan your party there!")

(editorial comment: you mean Mazzy Star isn't still awesome?)

From Shim Shimmy
You know, when I first read this I could not thing of a damn thing. Not one damn thing. But it's true, I have been awesome this summer!

I ran a half marathon in 80 degree weather, OK I mostly walked but I finished!

I saw my oldest friend off and married.

I got my heart stomped on (that NEVER happens) only to turn around and give it again.

I survived my first union negotiation and created an opportunity for myself in the Labor world.

I continued to maintain friendships with amazing, dynamic, self realized people!

(editorial comment: where are these dynamic, self realized people and can I date them?)

Why My Summer Was Awesome

By Red Delicious

My summer was awesome. I had a vegetable garden. It was nice. There were green peppers, hot peppers, green beans, peas, and a lot of tomatoes in it.

Okay, now seriously. This was the busiest summer I've ever experienced. So I define awesome here simply by not completely losing my mind. (Or my kids in the busy-ness of it.) I successfully transported my kids from day camp to day camp, and didn't forget one single appointment. I learned how to keep a tight schedule, and how I never want to do that again. This summer I also organized the most awesome vacation bible school ever for our community. I had a lot of help with the details, but I worked really hard so that it would be the most memorable VBS our church has ever had. It'll be hard to forget and to top the talking robot. I also celebrated my 10th wedding anniversary by going away with my husband without the kids for the first time in seven years. Now that was awesome.

(My garden really was awesome by the way.)

The end.

(editorial comment: you put a talking robot in Bible camp! Yes, you did!)

From Halffington
This summer, on July 14th, in fact, I reached the goal I set back in March of completing a 20 mile run. And, I lost 35 lbs in the process. Obviously, it's been completely transformational, not just physically, but mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.

(editorial comment: transformational!)

From Shadalan
This summer:
I went from taking transformational courses to leading them.
I went from assisting my boss to co-leading a class with her.
I went from living in my brother's guest room to living in an apartment with a view of the Pacific Ocean.

Pretty awesome.

(editorial comment: transformational!)

From Catwoman
A piece of my artwork was displayed in a juried show called Dig.
The evil that was my endometrium was removed.
I was reminded of the usefulness of adversity.

(editorial comment: if i say transformational, will you kick my ass?)

From Hil
Conquered my anxiety of anxiety medication. Used less anxious presence to ask big questions, like What are we doing here? and What is happiness? What is freedom? Finally forgave myself for not being able to "save" my mother from dying of cancer in -- wait for it -- 1989. Baked banana bread with my daughter -- her first baking experience! Quit drinking. Lost weight. Bought a new swimsuit, and wore it with confidence. Guiltlessly used money to buy instruments of bliss, including a hammock, mala beads, poetry, iTunes, Nanette Lepore's Shanghai Butterfly perfume, a pair of Diego di Lucca clogs and the MLB Baseball Package. Became a runner. Gave up on an old friendship we had outgrown. Decided it's OK if we don't have another child. Decided to adopt a child if we want to add to our family. Became someone who is open to the magnificence of the world around me. Wrote poetry. Studied philosophy. Started a blog. Realized that all the pieces of my life that I thought were disjunctive simply were waiting for the right time to come together, and that the time is now.

(editorial comment: i gave up an old friendship that i had outgrown this year too. it was hard. some days i miss the comfort of it. people don't understand.)

From the Lovely SaraJane

I can't tell you that I did anything remarkable, but I did enjoy myself. I have a "special friend" that I go out to dinner with, found a delectable restaurant that one of my best friends happens to own and I have been hangin' there on Fridays....that's when the kids go with Daddy for the night. I visited the Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland one weekend with my "special friend". The kids and I took a 3-day road trip to Ohio to visit friends. Made a few road trips to Pittsburgh to do the family birthday parties. Threw quite the birthday bash for my now 5 year old daughter and put lights up on the back deck and enjoyed many glasses of wine on summer nights.

I have done a lot of self actualizing that really has come to a head this summer. I realized that I AM the bomb and I almost believe it. My spiritual life has started to surface again - always a journey, but that walk is the part of my life that I find to be more rewarding than any other accomplishment. More than anything, I realized that I had to become more than a mother, I could no longer use that as an excuse not to have personal growth.

Earlier in the summer I said in jest that my short term goal in life was to become a "Milf"....I still like that goal - I just wish it was normal guys and not overweight married men named Lou that had an interest in me! Still I press on.
(editorial comment: you were always a milf, you just needed to realize it.)

From (ILove) Paul Jack
Jesus, what didn't I do this summer? I mean, other than travel or vacation or relax. OK. Here we go:

Realized the true nature of joy. It is called Lego Star Wars. It is
SIMULTANEOUSLY Lego AND ALSO Star Wars, IN VIDEO GAME FORM. It's like
someone read my mind when I was five years old, and it took this long for technology to allow that person to give me what I wanted most.

Started a blog.

Wrote a ton of scripts for Applesauce.

Finished character design for the principal characters of Applesauce.

Brought a group of cool fun people together to make Applesauce.

Basically finished the principal voice recording for the first episode of Applesauce.

Drank magic tea.

Consulted a useless psychic who told me to find God, and then had really good tofu fries at Zao.

Became one with the free software community.

Learned two new programming languages, wrote a prototype for a free software visual effects application.

Learned a third new programming language, began work on visual effects plug-ins.

Had two worlds collide when my mother and her southwestern PA friend visited San Francisco for nine days.

Stopped drinking caffeine.
Stopped drinking alcohol.

And a lot of other stuff, but you see it's been busy.
(editorial comment: so there will be video game lego starwars for my next visit?)

From Carrie
This summer was unique for me in that I made friends with someone I have known my entire life (35 yrs on September 25th) and have never really spoken to, made the shortest trip to Germany, and laughed and loved with my Little in ways I never have before. My summer was about my own growth, spirituality, and change. Through the love and support of my friends, I began a process of healing through blogs - giving me the opportunity to light the flame of passion that I once had as a writer. I introduced myself to me and found that I am a character, with the strength to complete a sprint triathalon, the compassion to help others in need, and more beautiful than I originally realized. I discovered that I am "fat" and intolerant of that type of unhealthy lifestyle and grossed out by the example I must be setting for my daughter. I flew to Germany on business and found a peaceful town full of beauty, grace, and respect - and without obnoxious excess. I took a day off and had a picnic with my husband and daughter, spent the afternoon at the zoo with my Little, and introduced her to the romance, peace, and comfort of selecting books in my favorite bookstore. My adventure was within myself this summer and I am grateful for the catalysts to my evolvement into Me today. My husband tells me everyday that today is first day of the rest of my life. I am confident that I will turn 35 (September 25th) with a fresh outlook on who I am, where I want to go, and what I am willing to tolerate along the way.

(editorial comment: i actually think you may have had the most awesome summer.)

From J-Flo
We began with a trip to the middle of Tennessee for our 3rd installment of Bonnaroo Music and Arts Festival, which was headlined by the Police, Tool, and Widespread Panic. It was our last trip to Bonnaroo, as Justin is getting old enough to want to take vacations as well. The rest of the summer consisted of working, moving, and reconnecting with some great people from my past. I got the chance to see you and even though more than a decade has past it is like we've been here the whole time. I also reconnected with an old college friend, and am planning a trip to them in the next couple months.

I continued my musical summer by seeing Blues Traveler in Anaheim, where I caught one of the drummer's sticks. Then followed that with a Rusted Root show in Hollywood, that was one of the best root shows I've ever seen.

Anyway thats my summer in a nut shell. I think it sounds a lot more exciting than it actually was.

(editorial comment: tom hixenbaugh)

From K-Flo
The winds of change blew through this summer in the Flores household...Jason and I started our summer with what we deemed to be our last Bonnaroo music and arts festival in Manchester, TN where we kicked back to enjoy time with our friends and listen to some great music. After we returned home, it was time to pack and play...we were getting ready to move out of the house that we had shared with numerous strange characters for the past three years. We played some beer pong with the people who traveled from far and wide just to say goodbye to the black hole. We went to a couple of great shows with some great friends. We moved!!! We went to Vegas and met up with non-other-than the infamous Ms. Jocelyn whom we had not seen for about five years...we are so proud of all that she has accomplished and it was great to sit at the bar and make fun of people with her! Our nine year old Justin, started 4th grade in a new school last week and we are very happy with it so far. What has made this summer so awesome for us is that we are learning to become self-sufficient again...and loving it!!!
(editorial comment: mama, j-flo is lucky.)

From J. Lucas
This summer I reopened the recording studio. This summer I bought a duplex. This summer I drank way too much. This summer started talking to Jocelyn again who is every kind of princess including the dirty kind. This summer I saw Joel for the first time in years. This summer the dirty sunshine played rock and roll out more often than usual. This summer I went to Boston. This summer I did scientific research at Duquesne University for the first time in five years. This summer I rebuilt my pathetic body back into the ideal human form.....


...and became a narcissist.

(editorial comment: i'm a princess!)

From Pretty Nic
Lost 60 pounds and ran my firts half marathon. I also appeared on a Canadian TV show "The Last 10 Pounds Bootcamp" and kicked ass! Oh, I also drank enough to kill most humans!! haha

(editorial comment: seriously! you went on a reality show! wait for it...transformational!)

From Kolodny

June- After helping (sealing envelopes to editing to printing) Robyn over a series of months, Robyn received two job offers in two different Long Island school districts. She was able to escape the New York City School System and get better pay and a smaller commute to boot. According to "Newsday" (and no, I cannot find an article...I wish I could), there was an average of approximately 116 applicants for every teaching position in Long Island schools so getting these offers was a major coup on her part.

July- I got to spend much of the month with my immediate family in Savannah, GA. I was able to rig it so that I could work from my brother's apartment thus Rayna got to truly spend extended time with her Savannah family. We all needed to get away for awhile; add to the mix that my Mom and sister have both been sick and we simply needed much less wanted to be there.

August I- After tiring of paying lawyers $300/hour who weren't really doing all that much for me anyway, I singlehandedly (with 50-60 hours a week of work/research on this for awhile) defeated my municipality and my neighbor over a retaining wall issue (only one more lawsuit to go against a 2nd neighbor). I proved that the town and neighbor were lying about various points and helped to spur an investigation by the local (and now state) government which has now turned into an ever-growing scandal at my town's Building Department which I substantially helped to bust open...this is the first article about it: http://www.zwire.com/site/index.cfm?newsid=18676789&BRD=1776&PAG=461&dept_id=6365&rfi=8

August II- Robyn and I celebrated our 6th anniversary at Sesame Place with Rayna. Yes, Sesame Place is exactly as it sounds. Rayna spent over eight hours going to every show there, going on all of the rides, et al.

August III- Amidst the market turmoil, I somehow managed to have my best month of trading in almost six years. It was an extraordinarily trying month (I also had some horrid trading losses intra-day), but managed to come out of the turmoil in good shape (although it could have been much much much much better thus I am proud of the trading effort...not thrilled).

August IV- I finally finally caught up in updating Rayna's online photo album. After having hardware problems with the camera (and seven year old computer- had to get a new one), I now have an online living testament to my daughter on Flickr. I somehow managed to avoid 1AM television many sleepelss nights during the market and lawsuit turmoil and worked on this when I couldn't sleep.

http://www.flickr.com/gp/9878333@N02/pb0Rkh
http://www.flickr.com/gp/9878333@N02/Re50T2

Yeah, the summer was busy.

(editorial: you fought the law and won. ha.)

From Bon Bon
I was lucky enough to spend an entire summer with my boyfriend, Nathan, as we have never done that before!

I was also fortunate enough to be able to take a couple of mini-weekend trips to LA and San Diego whereupon I visited some long lost friends and family and attended some MLB games!
I thoroughly enjoyed eating Cipotle every sunday afternoon - oh yes, it was definitely a tradtition!

My mom was married for the 6th time and decided to do-it-up in Las Vegas. It was a mini reunion and for the first time ever, my grandparents visited Sin City. They finally got to see the world I've been living in for the past 6 years, which is something I was proud to share.

I also became the mommy to a new puppy, Lilly!! She is the sweetest creature in the world. I think I treat her more like a human baby than a furry animal!

To end the summer with a bang, I took a trip to Disney World for 1 week! It was so glorious - I even got a flip flop tan, which, if you know me, having any kind of tan is a huge accomplishment!
I think that sums it up! I wish I could have had more time to read and run - guess I will be working on that this fall!

(editorial comment: i can't believe "and i received the most thorough and awesome task list ever" didn't make this list.)

From Emily
In a display of true hairy pitted lesbian fortitude, I hiked almost a mile after spraining my Teva-clad ankle while very drunkenly stumbling uphill on a precarious trail that is flanked by steep cliffs and frequented by nudists.

(editorial comment: you win.)

From Leslie
Ok, so it's less about what I DID do and more about what I did NOT do. The thing is, I was confronted with idiocy on all fronts this summer. Just morons everywhere. Crack-head ex-husbands, busy-body ex-inlaws, misguided co-workers, friends, neighbors, and whatnot. What I didn't do is good because I didn't kick asses. I did not kill myself or anyone else. I did not lose my composure (very often). I did not get sucked into the stupidity. I was very zen about the whole thing. I tried to have an attitude that was a lot less attitudinous (?) than I have had in the past. I tried to adopt that all-important 'live and let live' dealio. It kinda worked. I say it kinda worked because there is still hair on my head that I did not pull out. There are people walking where a bloody trail of corpses could have been. Nothing I own has been smashed against a wall and I feel great. So, how awesome is that? I faced my demons and offered them a sandwich. I fuckin' rock!!!!

(editorial comment: you know, i may know the perfect man for you!)

From Aim
As you know--there's nothing I have wanted more than to be home with Josie over the last two years--basically--ever since she was born (turning two on 9/21). Earlier on--it was not feasible--for financial reasons, health care purposes, etc. It was on the radar though--and Dave had hopped on board with me after Josie was born. So, we were on the same page--in sync--we both wanted to make this happen. We set goals, we had timelines and identified the hurdles laid out before us. For me, though, every day that passed was beginning to feel heavier and heavier..I was beginning to feel that I was really missing out on truly joyous moments in raising this crazy little person--the love of my life. My days were marked with a rushed demeanor, a short tolerance and a frenzied need to "get everything done." Many a night I'd be up till 11 p.m. scrubbing floors, folding laundry and literally, breaking a sweat wondering if I was going to meet all of my impending deadlines at work to help the 4th largest software company in the world meet and beat the Wall Street rats. I wondered if I would meet my $20 million dollar per quarter quota. And, everyone knows that in sales...you have to stay cool to get the job done. Otherwise, you drown. So, I try to run the household, raise the baby, pay the bills, manage the nanny/gardener/pool man, care for my husband, ensure healthy meals are the table, try to instill family values into our family life...all the while, I have one foot in homelife--one foot in the frenzied craze of high tech. Every day that passes...I feel I am one day closer to the end--and I haven't even begun to celebrate the little spirit I brought into the world. The little person that I gave birth and life to. I wanted to hear her coo and see her smile.

And then...she turns one. Blink.

Next thing I know, the holiday season is upon us and is virtually non-existent because of the need to burn the numbers--make it all happen--after all, it's the busiest quarter of the year--we won't have any time off--just one day. No Christmas tree, no ornaments...till my sister and her family save us--brining us ornaments for our bare tree that my husband picked by himself at the last minute. Is this what I wanted for Josie? I was raised to do crafts, sing Christmas Carols, help Mom with the cookies and play, play, play. My mom was always there. Aways, always, always there.

Time is passing..each day--my time is getting shorter.

Year 2007...every day I am choking on my way out the door. I have moments of clarity throughout my days when I know there is much more to it than this--I have to rise above what society says. I have to rise above all of my fears. Even in the stress--I don't HATE my job, right? I thrive on the win--on being good. But, I want Josie. I love my teammates...we are tight and we are gooooooood together. But, I dream of holding a little hand and walking across the lawn without a deadline at the end of the day.

Where is the time going? I lost my brother. Then my dad. Then my mom. I have no doubt it is short. What am I waiting for?

I pull the trigger. One day I receive some bad news and cannot bring myself to go into the office. Crying at the wheel I steer away from the building where I live my "6 a.m. to 5 p.m." My time. Amy time. I need it. Who cares about the numbers, right? I drive the California coast--the best coast to clear one's head. To think. To dream. To wonder. To decide. I pull the trigger. It's time. There is no more time. Don't second guess it--make it happen. The time is NOW. Oh my God!! The time is right now...it was yesterday!! I put in my notice the next day--I am out, I am free. I am sad and scared. But, I am free.

I'm coming Josie...I'm almost there.

I'm home now...my days are getting longer...time is opening up to me.

Josie and I have a full day together with no deadlines. We ride a train, we feed ducks, we ride the carousel that's as old as the bark on the trees. We are quiet together, we play together, we laught together. We get each other. We begin to really know each other's essence. My baby. My beloved. My sweet angel. My everything.

What's the great moment--the most awesome moment of the summer you ask? It's simply this. Josie is 22 months old--barely talking. We have worked our way into a routine...we exist in each other's space. She's toddling all around and I am off being a "mom" in one end of the house or another. What was I was doing??? Not really sure...folding clothes, putting clothes away? Fiddling, fiddling, fiddling. Josie's in the other room...playing. I hear this little person become aware that I am not right near her. She knows I am in the house--but she is lost. Her world becomes unstable for a second. She is bewildered and confused.

I hear her state my name, "mommy."

Then a question...

"Where mommy?"

More alarm...

"Where mommy?"

A little bit frantic...little feet stopping then starting...

"Where mommy?"

A suspended moment in a little person's mind...she is so unsure...a sense of urgency in her voice....

"MMMMOOOMMMMMYYY!?!"

Me, "In here Josie."

Little feet running. Big beautiful baby throwing herself in my arms. Big gray eyes smiling and secure looking into mine...and I know this:

I am home. God, I am home. Time stands still. I have no issues with time. Time is on my side now...I am happy. I am a mommy--in all the ways I really wanted to me...at least for this one glorius moment. I know my role. I know my worth. I know love. I know peace. All the loss allows time to be a friend in the end.

This is my awesome moment. This is my heartspring. This is my memory. This is what reccurs in my memory time and time again. I love this moment. I will always cherish it. When I am old and gray and wrinkled, I will remember it. I am blessed in this life. And with that, I have shared my most awesome moment this summer. OK. That is it J. Even if you already wrote your blog...it was great for me to get this down.

(editorial comment: i think you should write more)

AND WHILE I'M GONE, I'LL MISS U!
I really will. Each and every bloomin' one of you. And when I get back, there will be 4000 pictures of me standing in front of some wildlife, and the much promised story of a condom and some sushi and updated everything else. And now, and now....AFRICA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


(and also you can amuse yourself with this.)