Truth and Pizza: Or "You just realized this NOW?"

Oh, where to start, where to start?

Gentlemen, this one is for you. May you learn a lesson from the mishaps of Bobo, which is not so much his name as it is his cat's name, but it's the best I can do.

Where to start? Bobo and I casually dated back in the initial fall of a period of time I like to wistfully refer to as SMOS. SMOS was good times, but we can talk about how selfish things are often fun later. It didn't end very prettily, and we haven't really talked a lot since, though I do miss his energy. A couple of months ago, I get a kind of random text that reads something like, "Hey, this is Bobo. I don't know what you're going to do when you get this text, but I figured it was worth a shot. I finally cleaned up the mess I made. Wanna get a drink?"

I mean, what I was planning to do with that text was ignore it because I'm busy, but he's so cool that I didn't. I didn't ignore it, I mean.

So last week we decided to meet up for lunch.

Most of lunch is spent with my monopolizing the conversation my seemingly endless dialogue about having quit my job because, well, that's what I do these days. But towards the end, my curiosity and lack of discretion gets the better of me and I ask, "So, tell me about this this mess you made."

At which point eyes are rolled and sighs are released and hands are brought to head, and it is only the nicer part of me that resists saying "I could have TOLD you that this would end like this - girls who want to get that serious, that fast will ALWAYS be problems in the end." But I don't say it. Except that I know that he reads this blog so basically I am saying it, just not with a knowing smirk on my face while I eat a salad. So same thing, really. But, seriously, I could have TOLD you how this would go down.

Anyway, after the dramatic opening, this:

Bobo
There's not even time to go into all of that. But I'll tell you, I'm about to tell you what I've learned. In thirty-nine years of living this is what I've learned.

Me
This is your life lesson for me?

Bobo
Yes. Here's what I've learned. There are three things you can count on in life. Death, taxes, and the fact that women will hear what they want to hear.

Me
Women are crazy. You're just realizing this?

Bobo
Yes, women are crazy, but more specifically, they only hear what they want to hear. I think that that's something you learn in your thirties.

Me
Oh, right, because in your twenties, everything like that just falls into the general bucket of "women are crazy," but as you enter your thirties you start to be able to narrow it down to precise ways in which women are crazy, one of which is certainly that women only hear what they want to hear.

Bobo
Yes.

Me
And you're just realizing this now?

Bobo
Well, remember, I was married during most of my early thirties, so I missed the part where most men are learning that women only hear what they want to hear.

Me
I see. Well, I mean, I basically agree with you. Women hear what they want to. Now you know.

I mean, so there it is, gentlemen. Women only hear what they want to hear. Now you know. Or maybe you already knew that, in which case Bobo could have used your help. I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

Oh, and I could have warned you that that situation would end up like that. I'm JUST SAYING.

Happy weekend.

 

SMOS vs. SMOA

Oh, people, let me promise you that this one is a winner if you follow me to the end.





Firstly, it was girls' Saturday in Denver this weekend, by which I mean Princess Night. Here are the rules of Princess Night:

- The first rule of Princess Night is do not speak of Princess Night unless it is on your blog

- The second rule of Princess Night is that all of the following are required: sparkling tiaras, fairy wands, margaritas, chips and salsa, tarot cards, dancing to Britney Spears on the patio, singing along to Howie Day like you're all fourteen again and singing along to the radio at your sleepover.

- Not required but good to have in the day leading up to Princess Night are The Man Band, Casino Royale, Kiran, ramen, goyoza, new bath product, coffee, pastry and napping.

- The third rule of Princess Night is feel fearless about telling each other the truth about love, life, spirituality, dating men with children (which two of us are doing), dieting, drinking, baby making sex, non-baby making sex, feeling lost, feeling fearful, feeling empowered, feeling like you're on a good path, feeling insecure, feeling drunk. Mostly though you need to be fearless about talking about your own failings in those areas.

- The fourth rule of Princess Night is wear something with an elastic waistband. My bad.

It was a good Princess Night. And over ramen and Kiran and then over margaritas and chicken enchiladas, SMOS vs. SMOA was established.

Me
I'm completely dedicated to this six months of single concept.

K-Yo
SMOS, you mean?

Me
Oh, an acronym! Perfect. Every project is more successful with an acronym.

K-Yo
Hey, but, you know, what about you and that cute boy with the sexy glasses?

Me
Oh, but, I mean, we're not exclusive.

K-Yo
But you would say you're dating, right?

Me
Yes, but not exclusively. Dating other people as well. So it's still SMOS.

K-Yo
No, it's SMOA.

Me
?

K-Yo
Six Months of Available. That's different. If you're dating somebody regularly, you're not getting all of the same growth you'd get with SMOS because you still have the security of knowing that somebody wants you.

Me
Oh. I think you're right.

K-Yo
SMOS would mean you never dated anybody for longer than a month during that time period.

Me
Oh.
Really?

K-Yo
Yes.

(long pause while I think it through)

Me
What if at the end of the month, after the expiration date on dating the person had hit, it just became about sex? What if we weren't dating anymore, but we were still having sex?

K-Yo
Could you really do that without getting emotionally attached?

Me (gives look of "Have you met me?")
Yes. Surely. You just have to have rules that limit things like time and nature of conversation before and afterward. A good set of rules can totally avoid the emotional connection. Yeah. Sure.

K-Yo
You need to have an actual set of rules drawn up then. I'm not sure I trust you to stick to them if you started to get really into somebody.

Me
Sure. I think next week I'll ask DCWP to do that for me. He's good at that sort of thing.

K-Yo
I think SMOS is important for you. I don't think you'll get what you're looking for out of SMOA.

Me
So much about this conversation is fucked up, but mostly just that we're having it.

And so that was girls' weekend. I love those girls. Ladies, ladies of ILovePaulJack, BEGIN TO SAVE YOUR PENNIES NOW (unless you are about to purchase a home in which case you will read that sentence and then ask me if I know that I'm an asshole for forgetting that every penny you have is going to your new home for your children - LOVE YOU CANDY). Dee, K-Yo and I are planning a girls' trip to Madrid next February. We picked February because it's off season and cheaper to travel, but it's also my birthday month so, you know, awesome. We picked Madrid for three reasons: sangria, it's language friendlier for most of us, men. MEN. And SMOS doesn't really end until February, so that works out. I'll send an email, but you know you want to come (please come).

You can commit to coming and then bail due to pregnancy or incarceration. Sadly, those are BOTH concerns with this crew.

 

I Drag You Down With Me

So, the question of the week has been "How much damage can a relationship take before it can't be salvaged?"

Let me set this to bed: I speak not only of my current sort-of-relationship. I speak also of other relationships in my life, and I speak of other people's relationships. Because "the hive"(tm RJ) this week has been discussing this extensively via email, chat, MySpace, phone, whatever. Which is funny because this other thing I'm writing on is about love that doesn't die no matter what. My headspace has had to shift a dozen times.

(And let me also say to warn you mostly about this possibly being a disjointed thought process, that, right now, I'm so busy that what's happening is that I write a paragraph of blog entry and then a paragraph of a business plan. It's not conducive. I'll try to do an edit before I post to make things stick together more).

So, I'm sure that, by now, being grown adults, we've all seen relationships that:

a. Suffered some trauma, decided to make it work, and in the end we were all happy that people found a way to make their relationships survive. We'll call this "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger syndrome."

b. Suffered some trauma, decided to make it work, and in the end we were all like "MAN, they should have just let go. They'll NEVER end up happy now." We'll call this "I'd rather be miserable than alone syndrome."

c. Suffered some trauma, fell apart, and both people ended up happier afterwards. Often, they even end up great friends. We'll call this "Sometimes the universe delivers even if it has to force it syndrome."

d. Suffered some trauma, fell apart, and then nobody ever really moved on and they stayed angry and hurt. We'll call this "What the fuck? Life is too short syndrome."

And of course, there are a lot of variations in between. The big variation is that, in lots of cases, one person experiences one thing and another person experiences another thing. But I'm trying to keep it simple.

Firstly, let us define trauma. Trauma is not, by my definition, "I want to change careers midlife." Or "I lost $500 betting the Super Bowl." Or "I called you a fucking bitch while we were arguing." Examples of "trauma" would be:
- I lied to you excessively in a malicious way
- I cheated on you, once or many times
- I lost our entire life savings gambling while not telling you I was spending it
- I've been hiding the fact that I have a drug problem from you
- Did I not mention that STD before we got together?
- I have, intentionally or otherwise, systematically controlled and berated you in a way that tore down your self esteem or caused you to lose all trust and confidence in me
- I cannot have children, though having children was always an understood part of the reason we were together
- I've committed a horrible crime and am going to jail
- More than 75% of all the time we spend together is spent yelling and crying over a thousand different issues over a time period of more than a year.

Listen, I didn't make any of those up. They're all real life examples from me or people I know.

What Doesn't Kill Us Makes Us Stronger Syndrome
So, somewhat obviously, because I am not married nor have I ever been in a committed relationship that lasted longer than five years, I have never personally experienced this. And before you email me (and you know who you are) and say "Well, you know me and I fit that category", let me just say that you may think you're in that category and I may think you're more like a person in the "Rather be miserable than alone" category. Anyway, I've never experienced this particular syndrome, is my point.

Now, that's also not to say that I don't know long term relationships and marriages that are awesome and that I really admire. And for all I know, those relationships have undergone some kind of trauma that I don't know about, because sometimes people keep things private even though that is clearly a foreign concept to me. I'm going to say that I doubt that because in most cases I know those people pretty well and have discussed relationships with them a lot and I think I would have been told if the relationship had suffered some huge trauma. The argument might be made that in relationships that are that strong, while all relationships have adversity, those people have great enough communication and desire to make each other happy that the type of things we're qualifying as trauma wouldn't happen. What I'm saying is that I have never experienced, nor have I seen, a relationship that suffers one of the types of things we've described above and ultimately goes on to preserve itself in a healthy, functional way. Please, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

And, this, this concerns me. Because above all else, I am a girl who makes decisions by the numbers. And, looking at my current situation, the numbers may imply that the odds are very much against me, and in a couple of cases, my friends, too.

I'd Rather Be Miserable Than Alone Syndrome
But I know lots of these! You probably do, too! In fairness, in some of these cases, it's more about wanting to preserve an entire family unit and that's a more difficult situation to ponder, but there are lots and lots of relationships I've seen where the M.O. is to stay together even if one person is miserable -- shit, even if both people are miserable -- just because of any number of fears. Fear of feeling rejected, fear of never falling in love again, fear of never having somebody else fall in love with you again, fear of being alone, fear of losing a safety net, fear of being financially impacted, fear of hurting the other person...fear. I mean, again, simplifying because I'm sure there are other reasons people stay in those situations, but to me, they mostly read as fear.

I saw this thing on tv once (You know you're about to get something deep when a sentence starts with "I saw this thing on tv once"). It was a documentary on a retired athlete. And he and his wife had gotten divorced but were still friends. And he said, "I never thought divorce was a good thing, but then one day I woke up and thought, 'Life is so short. Why spend it in a way that makes two people unhappy on a daily basis instead of putting them into a spot where they could find happiness?'" And that resonated with me.

I have this actual list somewhere in some journal about minimum values I assign to myself (which would be an awesome blog entry in and of itself). One of those is about not letting anybody else control whether or not I'm happy. Maybe, just maybe, this makes me a little ill-suited to relationships. But maybe if more people decided to take ownership of their own happiness they wouldn't feel like they needed relationships to make them happy, and they'd be more selective about choosing partners to enhance their happiness rather than feeling like they needed a partner to make them happy. I think I know relationships that work like this. I think I've seen them. But then again, I am not always privy to what goes on when people go home at night, so go figure.

In the relationships I admire most, both people want the other person to be happy so much that they wouldn't want the other person to stay in the relationship if they were miserable. They'd either find a way to make them happy or, if they just really couldn't do that, they'd find a way to let go. And maybe that's why I admire those relationships the most, because that's such a hard spot to get to.

But you know what's an even harder spot to get to? Recognizing when you're in a "Better miserable than alone" spot and moving out of it. Because it's pretty easy to convince yourself that you're not that miserable, or that things will change, or that issues have been caused by circumstances and not some essential flaw in your relationship, or that "it's not me, it's my partner and one day they'll wake up and make this better", or that this person really is THE ONLY PERSON YOU WILL EVER BE ABLE TO LOVE OR WHO WILL EVER BE ABLE TO LOVE YOU. Yeah, those are all hard headspace blocks to get through, and I know because I've fallen prey to them, sometimes for periods of years, before. I think, though, as an older, wiser me, I wouldn't be so prone to play the convincing game. Or give in to fears of letting go. But then again, I may be convinced that in some ways, in some circumstances, I'm doing that right now. This one's the kicker one, eh?

Sometimes the Universe Delivers, Even If It Has To Force It Syndrome
Could I have made that name any longer? Seriously.

I know this, too. In fact, I know a lot of this. In fact, this is pretty much all but one of my former relationships, if you don't count the former relationship in which the other party is no longer alive. D&J. S&L. S&P. I know lots of these. RJ and I, for example. While the six months before our breakup was, to say the least, incredibly painful for us and anybody around us, when we finally got to the part where we broke up, it was sad, but we had really discovered that while we love each other and want each other to be happy, that just was not going to happen in the form of being partners. And now we're incredibly close BFFs. And we're honestly both much happier. And we honestly want the other one to be happy. And we honestly make decisions based on that. And sometimes we still make each other crazy in the context of our friendship, but we're important parts of each other's lives and nobody discounted the two years we spent together and we found a way to translate that into something really good. Better, even.

And I just rattled off four examples of relationships that ended like this, even with some trauma involved. So, it can happen. It's the ideal, but it can happen. It should happen. Just, getting there involves a level of pain (like the first time you have to go out with your ex and his new girlfriend who is NOTHING like you- that wasn't great) and patience. But it is proof that in the right context, even things that ended with some trauma involved can lead to valuable relationships in your life. Some of the most valuable relationships in your life, probably. Just the process of getting there is awful.

What the Fuck? Life is Too Short Syndrome.
And, I KNOW we all know a lot of these, right? I've seen them. They're ugly. And while I've never been the party who won't let go of the anger, I've been on the receiving end of having somebody decide to never accept the way things are and find a new place to be in each other's lives and still be good for each other. I know people who, years and years into a new relationship, are still dealing with the hurt and anger of an old relationship's ending. And you know what? In some cases, I can absolutely understand that. Some damage is too deep to ever let go of. Some stuff messes you up for the rest of ever. Maybe not every day, but some of it never goes away. Yes. It's true. There are some things that are so awful they will probably never be let go of.

And then again, there are some things that aren't so awful, and in that case, you need to learn to say "Life's too short to feel this bad about things." And let go. But I've been in the room with exes before where they both walk in and people hold their breath waiting for the explosion, or one of them crying in the bathroom, or just feeling uncomfortable because they know that at least one of the two people is having a miserable time. It's a hard call, because I do think that some things, some times, are so bad that it's okay to never get over them. But then again, sometimes I think people choose to not get over things because being angry and hurt is, honestly, sometimes less painful than trying to focus on good things about past relationships and people and watching somebody else get happy while you're still dealing with the pain of the breakup.

And so here we are at math. And also, now we are clearly not talking about anybody's situations other than mine.

I have no interest in holding on to any kind of anger, distrust, hurt, whatever and falling into the "Life is too short, fuck it." category.

I have even less interest into falling into the "Rather miserable than alone" category. The problem being, of course, that I'm not sure I would be falling into that category anyway. There has only ever been one real problem in the relationship that's at the front of my mind. But it was a long-term and ongoing problem that was only addressed and solved when I finally ended the relationship. And then it was only done once it had been made abundantly clear that really, honestly, there wasn't a future with the circumstances the way they were. And of course, the argument could be made that "But at least it was done. At least in the end he cared enough to give you what you needed." But then again the argument could be made (and is certainly the one that I would be making to me if I were giving me third party advice) that the situation should have never have gotten that far. That, as Hil put it, it's been proven to me again and again that this pattern is a repeating pattern and I probably shouldn't expect it to change. OH SO CONFUSING. Remember above when I said that the key was recognizing when you're doing this versus when you're giving yourself the best chance to be in the ...

What Doesn't Kill Us Makes Us Stronger Club.

But math, right? Math! Who ends up there? Do you know anybody who ends up there? And how many people stay in the "Better Miserable Than Alone Club" rather than doing the hard work, the HARD HARD work to end up in the The Universe Delivers Even If It Has To Force It club out of fear, or hopefulness (and let's not even debate if hopefulness is the same as fear). How many people say "I'm not sure I'm not just staying in a 'better miserable than alone' situation. We really could end up in a 'What doesn't kill us makes us stronger' situation. It was only one problem. I know he loves me. I know I love him. There's no reason this can't work!" Even though we ALL know by this point how silly that attitude can be. On the other hand, love is what drives the world and we should try to find ways to honor it.

And so 2500 words later I have worked NOTHING out except to organize thoughts and get caught up in math. MATH of all things. And I should probably listen to KALM who wisely told me that to overthink is to sabatoge. But to underthink is to beg to stay in patterns that may or may not be good.

Arghhhhh! You MUST be as frustrated as I am right now. You're welcome. I will leave you with a haiku that sums this up, and also, email answering tomorrow, btw.

My problems would be
solved with five minutes alone
with Blake Lewis. Yum.

 

Let's Answer Some Email! It'll Be Painless!

Lots of email that made me think this week. Lots of people saying things better than I could. Lots of interesting dialogue that distracted me from work and that other situation. Let's answer some of it live, shall we?

From Red Delicious (how's that for a badass alias, ma'am?):

"Just read your blog and how you've been sad lately about things, namely about not having a child yet.

I know you didn't ask for my advice, but since I have a couple kids, I thought I could help out.

First of all, Jocelyn gets what Jocelyn wants. If you haven't gotten something yet, it's because you haven't wanted it enough.

Second, don't become wistful because that is not reality. Kids bring tremendous and immeasurable amounts of love and joy and astonishment, but also tremendous and immeasurable amounts of fear and sorrow and guilt. I love my kids more than life itself. They are God's gift to me, and I take my job as their mom more seriously than I probably should. They bring deep down joy and happiness and so much fun to us. They've taught me more about myself than I thought possible, and more about God and the world than my own experiences have. BUT, on a day like today, I might've given them to a gypsy if there were any gypsies roaming around! Disrespectful and demanding, whining and yelling, wasteful and so messy; these are all things that come with kids.

So I think what I'm saying is, when you feel ready enough, and in God's time, you will be a mother. When it is meant to be, it will be. Just make sure you go into this phase of your life with a very realistic outlook."

That bold is hard to read, eh? I couldn't think of a better technique.

And, of course, she's right and that was an important reality check. Let's address a few things.

"Jocelyn gets what Jocelyn wants."
It's true. And listen, there are two elements here. One is that I get that I haven't wanted it enough to really make it happen because I'm aware that if it were ALL I wanted, I'd have it by now. I will be the first to admit that I'm always the girl who leaves the party with one pinky finger tightly wrapped around the brass rail on the bar, screaming for a final raspberry martini and a last dance. And I mean that metaphorically about life, not literally about last weekend. So you're right. If I were totally ready, it would have happened by now. And honestly, I thought I was and then the situation changed. Which is about the second element.

Because there's an element to wanting and finding that aren't in my control, right? If other people don't want it too, there's nothing I can do about that, right? And of course the logical answer is that subconsciously I seek out people who aren't really ready for that so that I have an excuse to have that last raspberry martini and rock out to some Abba. I guess maybe that's an excuse, except that on this particular day I feel like it's not me making the choice. But you're right. You're right.

Secondly, you should always give mom advice. Becasue you're one of the best moms I've ever seen. I'm glad you let me share your advice with everybody.

From Luscious Lisa (I'm on a roll with the names, ya'll):

"What are the point of relationships, really? Are they so we won't be alone? They provide company, this is true. Possibly a safe sexual environment. Then again, did you know that most Hep B occurs in heterosexual people and not drug users or homosexuals? Just a bit of trivia there."

Firstly, thanks for the uplifting trivia, Lis. I feel better now.

I will answer. I mean, obviously it's left over from when we were cave people and it was necessary in order to preserve life and children and such. That's such a cynical thing for me to say, isn't it? That relationships have nothing to do with our deep emotional need for companionship or love, that it's because thousands of years ago babies would die and the
species wouldn't flourish without two people to support the life of a child. What is wrong with me? Or, more precisely, what's got me feeling so cynical? But anyway, once, like three years ago, I wrote a poem about this.

Seriously - that's my answer. I'm not sure how I feel about this.

Ho says:
"I gotta believe a lot of those muscles in "300" were CGI ..."

Shut up, Ho. You will not ruin this for me!

Catwoman says:
"I am sorry (el situation) went that far out of control. It is baby mama drama without the baby. Beware the breakdown man. He is responsible for this result and must learn from this. Resist the temptation to nurture and act with the extreme empathy at which you are so good, it could result in inertia. Remember, you are a Goddess, and I love you. A bender was in order, regardless if it were of magnanimously embarrassing proportion."

Why I love her (other than she's always right): She just justified my bender of embarassing proportion.

And finally, this story unfolded this week:
Ferris: http://www.postgazette.com/pg/07081/771527-55.stm. Sad. I don't think I've ever given the thing a second thought, up until when they said it won't be there anymore.

Pookie: I guess we'll have to buy it. Then load it on a flatbed truck and take it on a cross country road trip called "Go West, Big Jim -- Go West." Now, all we need is $10,000 each......it is sad...i've passed that statue so many times it's become part of my subconscious...

Ferris: We'll cross the country with it, finding out a lot about ourselves and America along the way. Finally, upon arriving in San Francisco, Big Jim becomes a gay icon, but during its triumphant (yet ill advised) parade down Lombard Street it teeters over and kills Pookie. Ferris, in a fit of anger, curses the day the steel giant was ever created; the statue gains sentience and in a fit of remorse, throws itself into the Bay. It is never seen again, and Ferris ends his days working in a coal mine.

And then, magically, it was saved.

Thanks for all the email this week. It was good.

 

How to Pamper a Girl Like a Princess

Sometimes, I get email from people I don't know who read this blog and I'm like "Really? That thing that I wrote was confusing to you?" But yesterday I got an email that was seriously like, "We guys are confused about how exactly you pamper a girl like a princess." And I was horrified! Because everybody should know that! How will you ever seduce the perfect woman if you don't really know how to princess pamper? And so, because I have been all about improving humanity recently, I'm going to explain it. Really, it's for the sake of all mankind. Thank me the next time you get laid, boys.

The first thing you have to understand is that there are three different ways to pamper a girl depending on what your desired outcome is. There's pampering to get her into bed, there's pampering to get her into some kind of ongoing relationship that's not, um, designed to end in marriage, and there's pampering because you want her to really love you and take care of you for the rest of your life. This is complicated, so keep up.

Pampering a Girl So You Can Sleep With Her: Listen, honestly, if you don't know how to do this, I'm not sure I can help you. Here are the basics though:
- Don't overdo it on dinner. If your real goal is to sleep with her, big bloated bellies don't help. But don't take her to McDonald's either (ahem, RJ).

- Lots of drinks. Not beer. Drinks. There's a difference.

- When the old dude/young chick comes by selling roses, buy one. Work this into your budget BEFORE you go out.

- There's no such thing as saying "You're beautiful" too many times.

Pampering a Girl So You Can Sugar Daddy Her: This is not really the best way to describe the type of relationship I'm really trying to explain here. But let's say you like a girl more than a one-night-stand, but you're definitely not looking for a wife or even a girlfriend. I like to call these LTNSR (long term, no strings relationships, also known as "What Jocelyn is Queen Of"). This is the case where you REALLY need to step up the pampering. Because let's be real, unless you are Adonis in bed, there's not much reason for most girls to stick around in this type of situation. Girls want husbands and babies, so if you want to convince a girl to be available for your one weekend a month of availability, you'd better turn the pamper-meter up to 100. Here's a list.
- No weekend counts unless you take her somewhere four star and romantic. Think beaches, think mountains, think bed and breakfast, think swanky. Do not try to sugar daddy if this is out of your budget.

- Room service. Plan to order it once you're there.

- Gifts. Expensive ones, but not ones that were chosen randomly. You still need to put thought into what she'll like.

- This is important. You have a life outside of her. She knows that. She's going to be curious about that. Part of the deal with princessing her is that you have to respect that she's choosing to be with you with no real future and therefore deserves whatever information she wants. Don't try to keep secrets. She needs that information to keep from falling for you for real.

- IM, text, email or call at least every other day. Keep the connection there.

- Mail her things. Like in the physical mail. But not things that will remind her painfully about your life outside of her. Things like "I was walking by a store and saw this and thought of you."

- And, finally, always, always, always, always when you see her tell her that you thought of her a lot when you weren't with her. Always.

Here's the thing you need to keep in mind: Everything that I described above can easily cross the line into "manipulation just to keep her hanging on." Be real. Keep it real. Know how much of this you're doing because you're both okay with your LTNSR and how much you're doing that just isn't fair. It's harder than it sounds.

Pampering a Girl So That She Will Fall In Love With You: This, of course, is the most admirable one, but also the most difficult one. Why is it difficult? Because when you think of "princessing" a girl, you think about what I described above with the whole LTNSR. But the reality is that there's a whole different kind of princessing that goes on if you want a girl to fall in love with you. And this is where most men don't see the difference. So here's a list.

- Listen, material things are important. I'd like to tell you that they're not, but unless your girl is Mother Theresa, they are. Don't forget Christmas and birthday presents. Presents bought for no reason at all are a good thing. The difference between pampering a girl for a LTNSR and pampering a girl to make her fall in love with you is that you don't have to buy expensive things. Know what three of the best princess presents I ever got were? A book about Hanson (yes, that Hanson) because he knew I would find it funny and endearing, a digital photo of my two favorite stuffed animals in a frame and a video postcard of a sunset. Because you're giving her time and energy, you don't need to spend. But you do need to give her "things" and "stuff."

- Really, seriously, and I can't emphasize this enough, you have to tell her that she's beautiful ALL THE TIME. Especially if she's "aging out." Every girl in the world is insecure about your finding somebody prettier than she is. Even Elizabeth Hurley got cheated on WITH A NASTY LA HOOKER. Tell her that you think she's beautiful even if she's just come home from the gym and hasn't shaved her legs in three days. Okay, don't do that, because she's not stupid and she'll never take you seriously again if you do.

- Surprises - and this is coming from me and I HATE surprises. Surprise her by stopping at the grocery store and bringing her back a Hershey bar and an orange. Surprise her by cleaning out her car for her because she's not good at remembering to do it herself. Surprise her by leaving her notes on her pillow at night. I could give you a list of 100 ways to surprise her, but this entry is long enough already.

- Music - if you're a hipster, make her mix tapes. If you're anybody else, regularly email her mp3s of songs that made you think of her that day.

- Always, always, always kiss her goodbye and hello no matter where you are and who's with you.

- Pull Out the Big Guns: Look, you can't get away with not doing this. Eventually, you need to pull the vacation card out. Save up. Do it right. Create a romantic environment that's totally removed from reality so that you can really let both of you get immersed in that feeling. Sorry. I know it's pricey, but princesses need vacations.

- And, finally, tell her every single day how important she is to you. Every.single.day. If you need to put it on your daily "to do" list, do it.

It's really not that hard, right? I mean, depending on what it is that you want in the end. I mean, are we asking for too much?

I'm so curious to hear if the ladies think I missed anything. I'm so curious to hear if the men think we really do want to much. Hit me up. I read email.