The Final Frontier: Text Message Sex

Who should read this entry: K-Rock, Shim Shim, A-Train, a certain girl in LA I know who is the master of the dirty text (yeah, you know who you are Princess K). And also a certain girl in Chicago who is supposed to be learning to talk dirty from me.

Who should NOT read this entry:

Mom - you should skip this and head right down below it to where the first entry about Spain is.

Person With Whom I Had Text Message Sex Last Night: Don't read this if you ever want to enjoy that activity again. Seriously. Just don't read it. Trust me.

Anyway...

So, as a little background info, I've had this long distance ... thing ... going on for a while now. It's not a SMOS violation (even though SMOS technically ended yesterday!). It's not exclusive. It's not even really defined, but it is a ... thing.

Okay, so media has advanced to the point where the big frontier is no longer cyber sex. Remember when cyber sex was soooo weird and we longed for the days of good old fashioned 900 numbers? Oh no, people, oh no. We have advanced to the point of being mobile while we fuck each other in a virtual imaginary world. We have moved on to text message sex.

And with it comes something totally unique to text message sex as a form of virtual sex: mobility. With phone sex, you may have to juggle that receiver between your shoulder and your ear, but the verbal nature of the act at least requires you to honor the privacy of being alone, usually in your bed. Unless you are a frat boy sharing the experience during rush. With cyber sex, you are by default tied to the location of your computer. But with text message sex -- ah, with text message sex, you can be doing ANYTHING while simultaneously having virtual sex. Think of the possibilities!

Or, don't think of them and I'm going to lay them out for you by telling you the story of my night last night.

So, last night as I was heading home, I get a dirty text from ... let's call him Boom. And I read it, and I smile, and I send back an equally dirty one and think I'm done for the night. And then there is another text with a prompt, and I'm like "Seriously? He wants us to get off via TEXT MESSAGE?" But, whatever, I was there with him anyway. So, you know, games are fun. But, mobility. That's not necessarily conducive to virtual sex, particularly if you have ADD like me. Here's how the night laid out.

Being Typed Into My Phone
I just got out of the bath and I'm imagining rubbing my wet body up against you...
Coming Out of My Mouth
Hey! HEY! HEY! Can I get a sirloin burger, a super size diet coke and some jalapeno poppers? HEY?! Is anybody in there?

Being Typed Into My Phone
Before we even make it to the bedroom, I slide down and put my mouth around your cock...
Coming Out of My Mouth
FUCKIT. That jalapeno popper is HOT. SHIT. FUCK. DAMMIT.

Being Typed Into My Phone
I'm gently teasing you for a long time before I slide you all the way in...

Coming Out of My Mouth
FUCKKKKK. THE GODDAMN CAT PEED ON THE CARPET AGAIN. FUCKING CHRIST. DAMMIT.

Hot, right? Makes me long for the good old normal days of fake fucking on the computer.

But the real issue is if you think of the future. Cell phones - Devil's curse. But they make anything possible at any time. Think about our society's obsession with porn. Then think about the future of iPhones in everybody's hands. Then imagine a future in which people just walk around all day with a dazed look on their face getting off via text message.

I always said my iPhone replaced my need for a man.

 

A wedding, a Poem and Lots of Television Talk: Monday Six

Pretty new fall theme, right? Wait till you see the treat I have lined up for you for the holiday season on December 1st.

1. Jess & Matty Got Married! And there are pictures here! ToniK and I brought the "class" to the wedding. By which I mean to say that Jess is probably the only bride in the world who has pictures, taken by her hired wedding photographer, of her at her wedding reception in her lovely gown getting freaked by ToniK and I. I like to think that we were invited specifically to bring that type of behavior.




But here's the best story. So of course, I have no wedding ring so I am dragged to the dance floor for the bouquet toss. And so Jess tosses the flowers. And literally, it's like one of those moments that happen in slow motion. The bouquet launches into the air and directly towards me. And in my head, as this happens, in slow motion, I can only think, "No, no, no, no!" And I stand there and watch it as it goes "thud" on the ground below me.

And then, before I can control myself, my natural instinct kicks in and I TURN AND RUN IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION FROM THE FLOWERS AS THOUGH THEY WERE AN ACTUAL MAN.


That's the very nice woman who picked up the bouquet and kept it.

You only think I'm making this up. Sadly, I'm not. SMOS maybe should last a little bit longer.

These, by the way, are my favorite two pictures from the wedding:

*Before Marriage*

*After Marriage*


2. Setting a Good Example: This is an actual text exchange that happened this weekend:

C-Woo
I was scrapbooking this morning, and Baby C-Woo saw a picture of you and said, "That's the fairy woman!"

Me
Ah! That just made my morning.
C

C-Woo
It should be noted that it was one of the infamous "ass up in a club" shots.

I mean, there's a lot to be concerned about there, but I'd like to focus on wondering what picture of me going ass up in a club is a logical fit for scrapbooking? I mean, really.

3. Best.Thing.Ever: My mom sent my annual box of fall leaves that she picked out of our back yard. I love my mom.

4. And also: I updated The Nature of Sand. Listen, I know that this blog won't look like I'm on any kind of spiritual quest for the next two months because, well, there's a wedding or a holiday party or a vague excuse to have a holiday party every.single.weekend. That doesn't mean it's not going on, though. That is all.

5. Television Talk! I'm talking about Northern Exposure over on The Nature of Sand. I'm watching season three right now (which either shamus? or halff got me for Christmas last year), which I think is probably the best season. I forget what season it is when that show jumps the shark. It's whatever season it was when Anthony Edwards was on the show playing a boy in a bubble that Janine Turner was dating. But while in season one and season two the show is about the story, in season three the show becomes really metaphysical. Stories about mortality, and words. One of my favorite episodes of all time was the one that I watched on Friday where Marilyn falls in love with a man from the circus who doesn't speak, while Holling and Shelli get into a fight because he "says the wrong thing." And it's a really beautifully done study of how sometimes words get in the way of true emotion. That show was good. In season three, that show was particularly good.

And then, also on Friday night (because I am so old that because I had to do double party detail on Saturday I stayed in to save up energy on Friday), I watched Rock of Love. How did nobody tell me how good that was? I mean, it's certainly no I Love New York, but those chicks are CRAZY. The eighties hair. Brett Michaels new, puffy botox face. The slutty stripper dresses. Catch the marathon. It's worth it.

6. Bonus! A poetry meditation! Hil sent this to me this week "in case things were still hectic", which they for sure are. I meditated on it yesterday and will in the mornings as well. You should, too.

Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love
what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you
mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting
--
over and over announding your place
in the family of things.

 

And...GO! A Friday Ten In Which I Give Up on the Rest of the Year

Ha! Do you like how I stopped the Africa updates right before the three single best days of the trip (lions, gorillas and zebras?). I actually have a rare 20 minutes of down time right now when I should be trying to clean out my inbox, but let's just update instead. There are many, many things going on right now.

1. I LOVE STRESS: I mean, I probably don't love the way that it ages me, but I do thrive on it. The good thing about the current levels of stress is that it comes at a time of year when I habitually get manic anyway. I'm averaging about 4 hours of sleep a night right now. You would think that with 20 hours of awake time a day I'd have time to answer people's emails or return phone calls or not bail on social engagements. Ha! Here's what I'm balancing right now:

- A stressful job transition that's also resulted in some bad mojo for some people who work/ed with me. So I'm basically working about 12 hours a day, on a good day. Literally, my day starts at 7:30am. Around 4pm, I go to the gym for a couple of hours, and then around 7pm I start working again. Usually until around midnight.

- November is NOT party season in Vegas, but we're determined to make our revenue goal, so finding people who want to party in Vegas during one of the months of the year when NOBODY parties in Vegas is hard.

- You know it - it's holiday season. I have a shopping list of 120 people plus a card list of about 300, and you know that the majority of that card list gets that custom, special letter that Pookie and I do together which is 3x the work of a card and 10x the expense of a card. And you also know that of that 120 people a lot of them get things that I make, and though I made 35 of something during the summer, that's still a lot to do. The good news is that I have "the spreadsheet" completed. The bad news is that I also have three months of late birthday presents that need to be sent out as well. Viva!

- I AM OUT OF SHAPE: Which means I'm running like a beast. I'm not sure how it happened. I was underweight before I left for Africa, but still in good running shape. I didn't gain weight in Africa, but I also didn't run. And then when I got back, I didn't get right back to running, and I ate a lot of pizza, but it wasn't all that out of control. But when I went for my first run back this week, I was sucking air at four miles. Not good.

- AND THEN I HAD A PANIC ATTACK ABOUT MY SCHEDULE. Literally, a breathing issue panic attack. I did my calendar, and I realized that between the time I got back from Africa and the week after New Year's, I had only two weekends where either I didn't have an out of town trip scheduled or I have people in town. One of those weekends is this weekend, and one is either the weekend of December 8th or December 17th, depending on which weekend I do "Holidays in LA." After Africa I had Halffington in town, then the eight million nieces PLUS Jess's bachelorette, this weekend is blissfully off. Then November: the first weekend Matty and Jess get married, the second weekend I am going to Vancouver, the third weekend there are LA girls in town, and the fourth weekend I'll be in New York for Thanksgiving. Then there is December: the first weekend I'll be in Texas for Paul and Kari's wedding, one of the next two weekends I'll go to LA, then I'll be home in Pittsburgh for the holidays, then I'll be in Arizona for New Year's. When I looked at that schedule, I had a panic attack. Because, if you're following, I have no down time during the week right now. There's nothing I'd want off that schedule though. So I'll just buckle down and make it happen.

Here's the most awesome thing about that schedule though. So the other day I was having lunch with this boy I really like (and who I think really likes me) and he said, "Yeah, I'm going to be out of town the next two weekends."

And I immediately made my pouty face like I was so offended that he wouldn't want to spend time with me so badly that he'd leave a weekend clear. And he looked at me like I was the world's biggest hypocrite and said, "We're both really busy people. That's how it is with people like us."

AND I TOTALLY CONTINUED TO MAKE MY POUTY FACE LIKE I WAS 100% IN THE RIGHT. Which is, you know, ha ha ha ha ha ha, because if the question had been reversed and he had asked me what my weekend plans look like in the near future, I would have been all like "Yeah, why don't you talk to me in January. That's when it looks like things clear up for me."

Awesome.

And so I am stressed. My plans this weekend involve locking my door, closing my curtains, turning off my personal phone (but leaving work phones on, sigh) and chilling out - even if chilling out means that I'm actually doing work, just doing it in the comfort of my (now clean!) home. There will be crockpot action. There will be outings to the gym. There will even be laundry (which I find peaceful and relaxing - the sound of the dryer running in the background while I look at spreadsheets). There will be reading. There will be holiday crafting. THERE WILL BE ZELDA. And by 7am on Monday morning I will be refreshed.

And by 10am on Monday morning I will be in exactly the same stressed out, maxed-out place I'm in right now!

Listen, this is me saying I love everybody, but anybody who knows me knows that I go dark in November and December, and this year will be worse because of additional factors. Don't hate. Just know that when I'm not emailing or calling, I'm wishing that I were. If you are on Facebook then you get more action from me. That's all I'm saying.

2. A Little Ditty for the Marketers: Yeah, sorry, this is only funny if you've ever run a marketing department before, but since a lot of you have...

Me
So, you know, I would need the data on x as it compares to y in order to decide what I wanted to do with that situation.

Other Person
Um, yeah, the only way to get that data is manually.

Me
You mean, like, read it and enter it into a calculator?

Other Person
Um, yeah.

Me
But...but...it's housed in a database!

Other Person
Yeah, but there's really no way to easily ... let me just get you a calculator.

Let me tell you, there's some automation about to happen here. I can't think of a LESS useful way to spend my time than manually transferring data.

3. A photo that makes my photos look lame: It's seriously like Mr. Holland's Opus in Pittsburgh. I'm not even joking. My little bro just out-ghetto'ed me. "Mr. J" wins. I don't even know what to do with this.



4. Car! Detailed! Yes, finally. For those of you who have been following the saga, a can of Pepsi exploded in my car earlier this summer. The car needed to be detailed before that, but after the can of Pepsi exploded, it REALLY needed to be detailed. You know how sometimes things make it on to your to do list and then just keep getting moved to the bottom because it's such a hassle?

Then a couple of months later, I accidentally left some batteries in the car during the high heat and they leaked. Then the car REALLY REALLY needed to be detailed. However, not so much, apparently, that it rallied my ass out to get it detailed.

Then LAST WEEK I was on my way to a meeting and I hadn't eaten yet so I tried to eat sushi in the car. And at a red light, I went to open the little packet of soy sauce and it exploded all over the inside of the car.

But you know what finally got me motivated to get the car detailed? My tags have been expired for OVER A MONTH NOW because I've been too lazy to get my smog check done. The last time my tags were expired I totally got pulled over for a moving violation and had to eat the other $150 fine for having expired tags. So I finally got my car into the Saturn dealership. Exciting!

And then today I mailed in the smog check and the tag registration and was so excited that those things could be moved off my to do list.

And then I got home and opened my mail, only to find out that my lack of paying attention had meant that my driver's license had expired and I forgot to renew it, so I'm now driving on a suspended license. HOT.

I am a HOT MESS people.

5. Can we talk about SMOS briefly? You know how every year around this time, when things start to get crazy busy in my world, I start this lecture about how "I REALLY need to do something to slow the pace of my life down?" And then I go into this whole inner turmoil about how I would benefit from slowing myself down, but my nature is to live fast and big and I'd hate to have missed out on any of the things I would have missed out on if I didn't live that way? Well, can I say that in many ways this year I failed to slow the pace of my life down (see the two month schedule above as Example A). However, SMOS has totally made me slow down at least a section of my life. I have the most lovely, wonderful, beautiful men in my life right now. And if I had been going at my normal pace, I'd be well ensconced in another relationship by now and would have missed out on a lot of wonderful things I've learned. So, I'm saying, SMOS is the best thing I've ever done for myself. I did have a little bout of "single insecurity" going on the other week. And Shimmy reminded me that that's the point. As she said, "You need to become secure in the insecurity." She is so zen.

Slowing my life down will, once again, be something about myself that I try to work on in 2008. The other one will be trying to be at my best even when I'm not motivated or not inspired, which is something I learned this year is a weakness of mine. That is all.

6. I went through a phase this week where... I couldn't stop lusting after Luda. Yep. Sure did. I mean, like, talking about how hot he was all day long to anybody that would listen. Then Pookie drunk IM'ed me, and he sent me a copy of "Sexy Motherfucker" by Prince. And then I couldn't decide who I thought was sexier. Here, ponder for yourself.



7. The best thing you won't hear on my public playlist this week. You won't hear it, because I can't find a copy to put on the playlist, but there's a 2 DISC cd set of mashups of Britney and/or Madonna songs that made it down the girl chain from Ang to Shimmy to me. All the mashups are good, but there are two I just leave on repeat and listen to over and over again. One is a mashup of Missy Elliot's "Pass That Dutch" with Madonna's "Holiday", and the other is a mashup of "Holiday" with D-Child's "Make Me Lose My Breath." AND THOSE TWO MASHUPS ARE SO GOOD. You should totally try to find them online somewhere if you can. I can't stop listening.

Also, why do we love D-Child? It's because of lyrics like this:
"Ooh
Two things I don't like
when I'm trynna get my
groove -
Is a partner that meets
me only halfway, and
just can't prove -
Take me out so deep when you
know you can't swim-
Need a lifeguard and I
need protection-
To put it on me deep in
the right direction.
Ooh
You understand the facts
that I'm trynna give to
you-
You movin' so slow like
you just don't have a clue-
Didn't momma teach you
to give affection?
Learn the difference from a
man and an adolescent
It ain't you boo, so get ta steppin'"

Secondly, here's a conversation Halff may not have wanted to be made public. He and I are in the car (unfortunately pre-detailing job) listening to said cd (disc 2!).

Halff
These mashups are way better than the original Britney and Madonna songs.

Pause

Halff and I Simultaneously
Except for "Holiday." That's a great song on its own.

What have we learned? Mash any song with "Holiday" and everything gets better.

8. Cat Blog! This is honestly how fat Sly is. This is how he's sitting: He has his back paws on one chair, his front paws on another chair and his HUGE GUT is actually hanging between the two chairs. I am a bad mom!



9. Because I need a number nine ... Listen, I'm going to come clean here. Because the Rockies are Ry's favorite team, I always put $5 on them to win the World Series at the beginning of the season as a show of faith to him. The odds at the beginning of the season were, like, 30 to 1. I'm sorry. I know so many of you are Red Sox fans, but mama wants a pair of $1300 snakeskin Versace shoes she saw the other week. Go Rockies!

10. And a playlist! When I get super stressed like this, the music sounds more like a nightclub. Why? That's so obvious. Because nightclubs are where I reduce stress. Here's what we're listening to in Jocelyn world right now.

"Do It Well" - J-Lo: OHMYGOD! How much do I LOVE the new J-Lo single WITH a breakdown from my boyfriend Luda? I've been warned that if I don't stop playing and dancing to this in the work environment there will be a boycott, but IT'S SO GOOD. I work to it, I do laundry to it, I run to it. It's the best thing EVER. Or at least recently. You can't even listen to this and then listen to "Gimme More" and take Britney even a little bit seriously. I LOVE J-LO.

"Lose My Breath" - D-Child, "Pass That Dutch" - Missy Elliot and "Holiday" - Madonna: Okay, I can't give you the mashup, but I can give you all three singles and you can imagine. And dance. You can imagine, and then you can dance.

"Sexy Motherfucker" - Prince: "In a word, it's you I want to do." Or, better yet, "I want to get to know you, tell me what you do, what you eat...I might cook for you."

"Sexy motherfuker, shaking that ass, shaking that ass."

"End of the Night" - Luda: I mean, I could have picked any song here. He sounds smooth and sexy on anything. That is all. If for no other reason, this song is on because of these lyrics:
" By the end of the night you gon' be wantin to marry a nigga
Cause I make 'em erupt like volcanoes, you just shake and you shiver
Get 'em up, get down, turn around and put your face in the pillow
Cut 'em up like Jason, just face it that boy Luda's a killer
Half man, half gorilla, beatin all on my chest
Pleasin all of your flesh, squeezin all on your breast
Givin you reasons to rest, and ain't never say no to papi
Wake 'em up like Folgers cause I fold 'em like origami
Hey mami let's get it poppin like Orville Redenbacher
The way you move once you started nothin could ever stop ya
Sweeter than Betty Crocker, and I'm ready to belly flop ya
Just mention today but for now I forever gotcha"

Yep.

"Great Pumpkin Waltz" - Vince, Guaralid: Okay, so you'll only get a snippet here, but I've been listening to the whole thing. You know how I love my Peanuts holiday dvds.

Oh, God, come on, that's awesome how I just transitioned from Luda rapping about dirty sex to Charlie Brown. Give me points!

Special Extra Bonus Item! So I can't sleep (shocker) so I log into Facebook because I notice that AshleyPooh has tagged a new photo of me. It is a photo of me and my niece Stephanie "recovering" on my couch the night after all of these photos were taken. Nice, Ashley. Thanks for bringing this picture to the public. I really think the comment I left Ashley on Facebook says it all, which is, "Why would you post this? I look like I just spent five days doing crack."

Which is also what I felt like because my body doesn't recover from staying out all night two nights in a row as quickly as it used to. But I have no pride, so I'll share.

 

Are you bored of Africa? I hope not, there's a lot left. Here's a Friday Five in the meantime.

1. Just for Hott Scott: Yo, we made "David Koresh" into a verb today. You win. I mean, you won the first time you described my issues with emotional attachment that way, but now you really win because I've incorporated it into my own vocabulary.

K-Rock
What's up? I heard that you actually brought a boy out in public last night. Um, SMOS. SMOS. SMOS.

Me
Yeah, well, I also invited him to spend New Year's with me in Tuscon because he's awesome like that. But, you know, it's chill because I'm committed to SMOS like you wouldn't believe and he is, as I mentioned, awesome and totally okay with my boundaries right now.

K-Rock
Really? Awesome.

Me
I mean, though, making plans that far out. That just assumes that I'm not going to David Koresh him before then.

K-Rock
Jesus.

2. Just for Catwoman and Pookie: I gave you both the same ringtone on the iPhone! Can you guess what it is? Here's a hint! Once, we were driving home from the theater with my parents and Pookie kept singing it in the back seat and it made my father so angry for the whole ride. Deny your maker, people.

3. Just for shamus?: I want some pie. You probably would like your birthday present, but that's not going to stop me from bitching about the pie that I have not been given.

4. Just for Pookie: I'd type a bunch of running emoticons here and turn on my iChat so we could video chat, but you're THE FREAKIN' ONLINE JUNKIE BETWEEN THE TWO OF US.

5. Just for Hil: Good girl. Tuscon will be fun. Or at least there will be no shortage of things to talk about.

6. Just for C-Woo: Uh, yeah. I seem to have not booked that flight yet. Uh. I'm ALL OVER THAT this weekend.

7. Just for Shimmy: I miss you and I have a story you WILL NOT BELIEVE. In fact, I may just email you right now.

8. Fun with Facebook: You know what's obvious? I'm too tired to write anything good right now. Let's lift what other people have written because it's way wittier. So, I enjoy playing with the "questions" application on Facebook. This week I asked two:

Question: True or False: My new iPhone will make me happier, beautiful in the eyes of others, and a complete person.

Trick said: False. False. False. You were already all of those. The new iPhone will make you poorer, 135 grams heavier, and completely irritating when you make the new Britney song your ring tone.

(I Love) Paul Jack said: Yes, and you STILL paid too much for it.

Salim said: True if you feel happier about it and think others see you more beautiful.

J. Lucas said: False... All Apple products only bring pain, misery, and HPV. infections. In addition, you can't even MMS message with it!

Ferris said: Shut up. I hate you hate you hate you.

C-Woo said: YAY!

Franki said: False! Your iphone will only make you a complete person in the eyes of apple fanboyz. Eitherway, you're now another proud owner of crappy products.

ToniK said: Absolutely true. I now shed a new light on you. You were only kinda cool to me before you got an iPhone, however now you could be the coolest person I know

Emily said: it will at least serve as a nice party trick. people like to touch them...

And after Emily said that, I asked: A multiple choice question inspired by Emily. You and I are at a party together. You walk up to me. You want to: a. Lovingly stroke my new iPhone b. Smack my ghetto booty c. Pet me on the head and say "Good girl" d. Ask me to get you another drink

Trick said: e. All of the above, although I'll bet I wouldn't be the first one at the party to do that.

Kolodny said: f) Tell you to say "Girl Power" so that everyone knows you're still in my posse as Yenta Spice. Because we know that'd never happen in real life or anything.

(I Love) Paul Jack said: b times three.

Shimmy said: Really? I have to answer this? Fine. ALL OF THE ABOVE. Because I frequently DO all of the above, well except for A, and that's only because I have't met it yet.

Franki said: No choices here: A, then use A to perform B (repeatedly too), then select D and give you C only if you come back with the right drink

Lisa said: b. several times. and then tell you to get me a drink ;)

Slappy said: Holy Christ. I'm leaning towards D, but tatsa only because I already know you'd have someone else around to fetch that drink for me.

ToniK said: Beee atch get me another drink! Love you mean it!

K-Rock said: It depends on where we're at. It would probably start with B, then D, then C, then as the drinks progressed, I'd probably ask for the JesusPhone for drunk texting action. 'Cause that's how I roll.

 

A Monday Five In Which Sometimes Even I Am Like "This is my life.Seriously."

1. British Nick the Lawyer: On Friday, my weekend horoscope said the following:

"Sometimes, we work too hard and put up barriers that prevent us from sharing innocent emotion. Love and support is on offer this weekend. You deserve it. Accept it."

And I read it, and I was like, "That's a bold prediction." And then on Friday night I was out with KALM and her new, fantastic, sweet, funny boyfriend, and we're at (where else?) Caramel. And this man comes up to offer to buy me a drink. Now, quite honestly, I was about to give my standard reply of, "That's really sweet, but honestly tonight I just feel like hanging out with my friends," because that's where my head was at. But then I remembered my horoscope, so I said sure. And do you know what? That man, whom we'll call British Nick the Lawyer (because he was British, his name was Nick, and he was a lawyer), ended up being the sweetest, most honest, kind, darling man ever. And we ended up spending almost the entire weekend together having expensive cocktails and fine meals and talking about the UK and places in the world we'd been (because, honestly, on Friday night the moment in which he "had" me was when I made a joke about things British people are good at, and he said "We're also very good at invasion and occupation."). He was so sweet that we're trying to work out a way for him to come over to Amsterdam during my layover to Entebbe and have dinner. So go on, Johnathan Cainer. You're a badass. You got that one right. Viva SMOS.

2. Speaking of the Bellagio: On Saturday, British Nick the Lawyer and I had half an hour to kill, so we sat down at a table to play some blackjack. The table had a $15 minimum bet and I cashed in $100 for chips. At one point, I was up to $165. Then I lost eleven straight hands and went entirely broke. So I pulled out another $100. And I looked at British Nick the Lawyer, and I looked at the young gun who was playing at the same table with us, and I looked at our dealer Sara, and I pushed all $100 in on one bet.

"What are you doing?" said British Nick the Lawyer.

"Breaking even or going home!"I said.

And I hit a 19, and the dealer busted. And I was breaking even for the night.

"Lucky," said British Nick the Lawyer. "I guess this when we cash out and go, now that you're back to break even."

And he cashes out.

But I have gambler's face on at this point.

And I put all $200 in on one bet.

And I pull a 15. And the dealer is showing ten. And I believe Marchione once told me that you should hold in that moment and hope the dealer busts.

But I hit. And I get a four (which takes me to 19). And the dealer busts. And I have now doubled up and made a $200 profit.

"And this," I say, "Is when we walk away."

(Except you all know how I love to gamble. I mean, I did walk away, but I really didn't want to.)

3. Speaking Again of British Nick the Lawyer: And so, in the awesomeness that is "Things men say", this happened.

British Nick the Lawyer
I'm going to be honest, and then you're probably never going to speak to me again, but there was a moment last night when I had pause to wonder if you were a hooker.

Me
Oh, come now. I'm way not pretty enough to be a hooker in this town.

British Nick the Lawyer
No, that was the problem. You're so stunningly beautiful. I thought you would have to have been a hooker to still be hanging out with me.

And really, what do you do with that? Well, if you're me and you're slightly schizo anyway, you do this.

Me
My GOD. In what moment did you think I might be a hooker? Was it the moment where we determined that I make more money than you do? Or was it when I begged you to let me pay for a round of drinks? Or was it after I gave you my theories on American political structure in the context of world government? My GOD.

Oh, but you think I'm pretty! That's so sweet!

Listen, it's possible to be simultaneously flattered and offended. It is.

4. But speaking of being mistaken as a hooker: This story happened while I was waiting for KALM and crew to show at the Venetian. It is best told by simply retyping a series of Twitters I sent out while waiting for them.

12:09am: Standing unattended at the circle bar in the venetian counting the minutes until i am mistaken for a hooker

12:17am: Meanwhile-i watch the actual hooker next to me test the waters for possible business

12:19am: The hooker sitting next to me is what in vegas we call a 4am girl

12:23am: First confusion about my hooker status-21 minutes

12:28am: Apparently, if i were really a hooker, the type of clientèle that i would attract all wear golf shirts

12:30am: And as if on cue, "sweet child o mine" starts playing

12:48am: And we are on hooker mistake number 2

And, finally, those kids showed up and my hooker game fun was done.

5. And speaking, finally, of something totally unrelated: I have this friend who shall remain nameless in the context of this story but who has no shortage of bad ass on his resume. And on Sunday I was hanging out watching football and eating with him at Nikki Lee's, this exchange happened.

Anonymous Badass Friend
I have a number for you to take to Uganda with you.

Me
Huh?

Anonymous Badass Friend
This guy. He works for (insert name of a corporation that pretty much everyone in Africa will fear. A corporation loosely referenced in an award-nominated Leonardo DiCaprio film about the ruthlessness of a certain industry in Africa).

Me
Oh, that would be helpful if anything goes wrong.

Anonymous Badass Friend
No, you don't understand. If anything goes wrong, this is the call you make BEFORE the embassy. You make this call and then within an hour there are four land cruisers and twenty white men whose passports don't match their accents. This is the call you make.

It's only funny people, because it's a true story.

And this, this is my life.

 

My One Fourth Boyfriend

So, if the official start date for SMOS was August 1st, then basically what we're saying is it took exactly one month for this to turn into a dating chronicle blog. Awesome. Because here's what's coming up this week:

- A condom and sushi story. No joke. And there's no euphemism in there.
- A more comprehensive list of things not to do on Match. I should coach this shit.
- Why I'm starting to think that being single is so much fun that I'll never want to get serious again (Who knew? This shit is awesome.)

But for today, let us discuss 1/4 Boyfriend. "1/4 Boyfriend" is a name that Wooderson gave this boy I'm dating. The name is funny because the other day, Wooderson asks me "How's SMOS going for you?" (which is the question everybody asks every day). And I started telling him this story about how "SMOS is awesome, but, you know, there's kind of a safety net since with person x he operates kind of like 1/4 of a boyfriend so I never feel lonely or whatever." So now we call him 1/4 Boyfriend.

So, the thing you need to know to find the following funny, is what I said to 1/4 Boyfriend on our very first date ever (which I was informed last night was on June 16th). And so, sometime in the first 30 minutes of said date, I said this, "Listen, just so you know, I'm not looking for a boyfriend. I'm seriously not looking for a relationship in any way. I'm so excited about being single right now. So you and I will be just fine and have a great run if we just remember that we're deciding right now not to get attached."

So last night 1/4 Boyfriend and I went out for drinks. And I was early (which we know NEVER happens). So for about twenty minutes I was sitting at the bar at Cheers reading some Fitzgerald. For people who live in Vegas and have been to Cheers, nothing I will write in the rest of this entry will be funnier than the idea of me sitting at the bar in Cheers with classic American literature. Anyway...there is a local drunk sitting next to me who wants to chat. Which I'm okay with because he speaks French, albeit drunken French, so I can practice. And then 1/4 Boyfriend arrives and we're talking. And then the local French-speaking drunkard gets ready to leave, but he wants to chat with us first.

Local French-Speaking Drunkard
She is beautiful, isn't she?

1/4 Boyfriend
(As we learned over Fourth of July weekend, 1/4 Boyfriend is way too smart for this game. He knows that there's nothing he can say here that's the right answer and that I won't throw back in his face later. So he just gives me the "Ha! The local drunkard thinks you're beautiful! That's funny. Maybe he can be your other 1/4 boyfriend." look).

Local French-Speaking Drunkard
You are beautiful too. You know, before you got here, she said she was waiting for a beautiful man.

Me
I DID NOT SAY ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

1/4 Boyfriend
(Insert "This is going to be awesome when I make fun of you for this later" look)

Local French-Speaking Drunkard
Actually, what she said was that she was waiting for a good man.

1/4 Boyfriend
Well, she's got a good man sitting right here.

Me
Listen, I didn't say that either. I didn't say either of those things.

Local French-Speaking Drunkard
Let me tell you, I can tell the future. And let me tell you what the future is for the two of you. The two of you, you are a beautiful couple. You are a beautiful couple.

1/4 Boyfriend
(insert "Missy, this is what you get for engaging the drunkard in conversation before I got here.")

Me
We are not a ... Oh my GOD ... CAN I GET A JACK AND COKE OVER HERE? A DOUBLE?

It was fun times. I will say, in the name of not making fun of him too much since "1/4 Boyfriend" is not the sweetest pet name any woman ever gave any man, that he does get "good man" points after last night. Four drinks down, I was all like "I'm so hungry", and so he took me home and made me eggs and toast. And any boy who ever dated me and was worth anything will tell you that feeding me breakfast food (at any time in the day) is a sure way to my heart.

I'm off. Happy NFL opening week. Stress.