Being means: not numbering and counting, but ripening like a tree, which doesn?t force its sap, and stands confidently in the storms of spring, not afraid that afterward summer may not come. It does come. But it comes only to those who are patient, who are there as if eternity lay before them, so unconcernedly silent and vast. I learn it every day of my life, learn it with pain I am grateful for: patience is everything!
We are called to be fruitful - not successful, not productive, not accomplished. Success comes from strength, stress, and human effort. Fruitfulness comes from vulnerability and the admission of our own weakness. sometimes...i read lovely stuff. sometimes...not.
Egalia's Daughters
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If we do not bear the cross of the Master, we will have to bear the cross of the world, with all its earthly goods. Which cross have you taken up? Pause and consider.  i would die without my iPod
Ozomatli - "Saturday Night "  
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There are many people who are sincere without being simple: they are ever afraid of being seen for what they are not; they are always musing over their words and thoughts and thinking about what they have done, in fear of having done or said too much. These people are sincere, but they are not simple: they are not at ease with others, and other people are not at ease with them. There is nothing easy about them, nothing free, spontaneous or natural. People who are imperfect, less regular, less masters of themselves, are more lovable. This is how people find them, and it is the same with God.

i am never satisfiedsex. lots of it. constantly. i have no idea what's been up with me for the last couple of weeks.

or anything from my wishlist

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A brother said to an old man, ?I do not know of any warfare in my heart.? The old man said to him, ?Then you are a building open on all four sides. Whatever wishes to, goes in and out, and you do not notice. If you had windows and a door, and shut them so as to bar certain thoughts, you would soon realize how many there are outside, waiting to slip in and attack you.?

i fear fati hiked a mountain friday. i'm on off time until my legs stop letting me know how angry they are at me.

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I know that life is a doorway to eternity, and yet my heart so often gets lost in petty anxieties. It forgets the great way home that lies before it. Unprepared, given over to childish trivialities, it could be taken by surprise when the great hour comes and find that, for the sake of piffling pleasures, the one great joy has been missed. I am aware of this, but my heart is not. It seems unteach- navigate around, why don't you?
what i wrote yesterday
back to the homepage
everything ever. sort of.
sometimes...poetry
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And So Then I Went Dark...
i've been super busy, so let's catch up, shall we?
posted on: 7/03/05
original post date: 7/03/05

Okay, let me say this. I have tons of entries that I'll start posting one-by-one. I have the second two parts in the "OHMYGODthisweddingisfreakingmeout. Ineedtoevaluatemyownrelationships" series. I have photos and stories from K-Yo's wedding. I have more photos from the July 4th weekend camping trip in Death Valley and Mt. Whitney.

And also, for the record, I have about 30 hours of work to do before Tuesday and then two days of an industry conference designed for no reason other than to fuck with my schedule. Some of the work I am doing off and on as I write this entry. And the purpose of this entry? To catch up on all the details that were missed while I was slammingly busy. So busy I started freaking out on people. It's not likely to get any better in the next several weeks. Also, yes, I'll be sorting through email and answering it all through the night tonight. So work with me. You know and I know that I'm easier to digest when I'm not as focussed and I'm writing in short "Hey, did you know..." fashion. So, then, onward to the random.

Tom Cruise
Why oh why must you strip me of my tweenhood? You know, the tweenhood in which I would rent Top Gun (on VHS, people) and then have both inappropriate thoughts about being your groupie followed by totally appropriate thoughts of what our wedding would look like? Why must you now rob me of that by making a total fool of yourself? WTF? We all always found the whole scientology thing a little offputting, but we ignored it because you were so pretty (so.pretty) and Nicole Kidman seemed too much together to have married a total freakazoid. Is is a midlife thing? Is it, as I suspect, that Paxil is bad but Botox is fine? Katie Holmes? Katie Holmes? Dude, she's so young you're just a hop and skip from crossing over from the cult of scientology to the cult of rural mormonism. You are making Gary Busey look dignified, and he's on Celebrity Fit Challenge with Jani Lane for Christ's sake. I mean, wow. You know who's thanking you right now? John Travolta. He used to get the bad rap as being the most offensive, weirdo celebrity scientologist, but you just made him seem ... normal. That's quite the accomplishment. You know who's totally not thanking you right now? Me, because you just stole my tweenhood.

Not So Sweet
Sometimes it's almost impossible not to just be so angry at the world for being the way it is. I read. I cried. I hated. I sent her an email and put a package together for her that I need to motivate and get to the post office to send. I hated, and I hate to hate because it isn't my nature. I've spent the better part of my life working to be the kind of person who focuses on a person's good until they force me to deal with the other side, and I'm proud of that. And people like him make it hard for me not to backslide.

I will say this Miss Candy, I'm not wildly proud of this story, hence you haven't heard it yet, but less than 18 months ago I ended up in a full-on bar fight at, of all places, McM's with, of all people, a former high school alum of ours. Yep. It is that good of a story. Total class - 100%. Seriously. Anyway, I kicked his ass all over that bar and left him with a black eye, a swolen ear and two busted lips. I can scrap. And I will buy a plane ticket today if you tell me to and come back and I will find that boy and he will be unrecognizable and then I will fade away into the night. When provoked to think my only recourse is violence, I can inflict. And I am provoked. To say the least.

Organic Coffee Substitute, or Lifeblood Substitute
So, right on, I'm hiking up this mountain this weekend, and I'm feeling all kinds of good, and then we start heading down the mountain, and my head starts splitting open in pain. At first I'm all like, "Shoot, altitude sickness," except that we're on the way down and the altitude hadn't bothered me at all all day long. And then I realize what the headache is. It is, once again, caffiene withdrawl. I'd been hyper concerned with dehydration, which would have caused altitude problems, so I'd had a ton of water, but in having that ton of water I had neglected the all important task of drinking coffee or Diet Coke. And now I was paying the price. And you may recall that after the fast I was adamant that I was giving up coffee, but this time, I decided, I really needed to be serious about it, because it was impacting my lifestyle.

So, yes, at my local grocery store I buy this. I'm all kinds of concerned when I buy it because I hate fake soy subsitute stuff. I mean, soy milk? What is that? Soy hot dogs? What are those? Eat real food, people, don't fake yourself out with soy. But I'm desperate and need to ween off and I can taste too much of a difference in decaf coffee. So I try this.

Let's just say this. I cried this morning when I drank it. I know I have to ween off the coffee, the real stuff. I know I do. But why must it hurt so?

20 Things I Did In June
1. Hiked Mt. Whitney
2. Attended the IPRO conference
3. Ate at one of the most famous Vancouver restaurants
4. Ate at a second one of Vancouver's most famous restaurants
5. Was the maid of honor in one of my best friend's wedding and managed to give a toast without slurring like the drunkard I was at that point
6. Threw up for three hours from drinking at the bachelorette party
7. Obtained orange formal wear within 48 hours
8. Won a game of speed mini-golf
9. Saw many, many excellent movies at CineVegas with Hobert, K-Rock and RJB
10. Saw Hitch which was just as good in many ways
11. Reconnected with some old friends
12. Met Julie and planned a trip to India
13. Heard Larry Halff rap. Seriously.
14. Saw the Rhapsody commercial on MTV and laughed so hard I had to call shamus and mock him for a solid twenty minutes. Though it's not so much mocking when the person you're mocking agrees with you. You GOTTA get it!
15. Redesigned this journal.
16. Added a disclaimer to this journal. Yeah. That's a funny story if you want to hear it.
17. Became the owner of these most awesome shoes in the world.
18. Rediscovered Ozomatli.
19. Did not do laundry for a solid month.
20. Saved a stuffed animal from the trash.

Yeah, I gotta say that I pretty much love my life in a big way. I'm a grateful girl.

Date Rape
Here is how I offended women/feminists/just about everybody at brunch the other day.

Person at Brunch
Yadda yadda yadda. Date rape, date rape, men are awful, date rape, date rape, I hate men, No is No, date rape, date rape, date rape. Men suck. What do you think?

Me
I think you should think about the real message in what you're saying, which is that young women are too stupid to think through to the possible implications of their actions. I personally find date rape a little hard to take seriously, and I'm not saying that it doesn't happen, but I am saying that we've done a great job of telling girls that they're basically not responsible for anything and that men are responsible for everything. I mean, when I go out dressed in low-rise jeans and a halter top and some man gets aggressively sexual with me and it's not wanted, I understand that the reality is that I put a certain message out there and people are going to respond to it. Is the average girl at 19 too stupid to realize that is she dresses seductively, drinks a lot of booze and goes back to a guy's dorm room she's going to end up having sex? If the average 19 year old girl is too stupid to realize that, then the problem isn't how we're teaching our boys to be sexual, it's how we're not teaching our girls about sexuality in an honest way. Personally, I find the whole concept of date rape disempowering. It says that young women shouldn't be strong enough and smart enough to make informed decisions, but young men should be. What's up with that? How about instead of encouraging our girls to file charges if they get drunk and naked in a dorm room with a drunk and naked guy at the end of a night and then they say no at the last minute, we teach them to not get drunk and naked in dorm rooms? I mean, and I can think of more than enough situations that I've been in that are just like that, and you know what? I stood up and said that at least half the problem was bad decision making on my part. Even at 19. It's so stupid to just blame men for everything. But then again, you let your 17-year-old daughter walk around with her boobs hanging out of her top and her ass hanging out of her skirt because you don't want to be an authoritarian, so I can see why you'd want to shift the blame.

I think it was that last comment on said friend's parenting skills that took it from her just being horrified by my anti-feminist attitude to flat-out resenting me. Good brunch.

Ozomatli
So, back in the day I got their first album, and I loved it so. But then the second album came out and I had stuff going on and I didn't go out and get it and just kind of forgot about them. And then they were on Breakfast with the Artist the other day, and I remembered that I like them so. So I downloaded Street Signs. And so if you're not listening to this album, you are totally on my shit list. And that is all.

So, that was a lot. I'll resume more in a day or so.

 

How come I have never heard this story about your bar fight?
Um. Wow. So. Yeah.
Copyright 2004, 2005 Jocelyn Saurini
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