Call of the Wild
The Australian Open in the Background
Prince of Persia - Sands of Time
Asprin Or, anything from my wish list.
And on that day there was Celine... Post Date: 1/28/05
Original Journal Date: 1/28/05 Ah yes, Celine Dion. In Vegas. The stuff dreams are made of. So Thursday night, a certain most excellent Slapster had gotten a ticket for me to see the Celine Dion show at Caesar's. It's all the rage, you know. I was ecstatic. And believe me, my excitement paid off. Let me just say one thing before we continue. For all of the comments that can be made about Celine Dion and her Dragone Vegas Show, and believe me when I say I'm about to make many of those comments, the woman has a voice that was touched by God. Does she choose often to use it for evil instead of good? Oh, absolutely. But nonetheless? Let's begin in the entrance way to the Forum. For those of you who do not know this, Caesar's built an entirely new theatre for Celine and her show, and the theatre is modeled to look like the ancient Forum. Inappropriate? Yes. But that doesn't stop thousands of Vegas tourists from marveling at it. In the lobby, you can buy a $5 bottle of water or a $17 glass of mid-range champagne. You can also buy this, and please let me assure you that this totally creepy-just-wow-eeeew item was flying of the shelves. FLYING. And I was tempted to buy one for Hil and Sandra S. and all those baby popping mammas I know. But then I decided to get you all something less CREEPY. Oh, and the show. The show begins. I cannot possibly do it justice here, but I will try. Firstly, before anything, Larry and Jeremy, I am so sorry, but she has let her hair grow back in. It is no longer the psycho bleach blond crew cut. I did not get that joy. I got traditional Celine. Sorry. There are four costumes in this show. The one is the one that you inevitably saw on the Oprah special during opening night -- the one with the black pants and suspenders? Two are custom-made gowns for her to wear during the glory-note ballad-belting portions of the show. The fourth, which she wears for the entire first half of the show, is something vaguely resembling a dance recital costume I had in eighth grade. It's a red leotard with a bodice, and then sheer red flowing pants (sheer so you can see the leotard), and red chunky ankle boots. I don't pretend to understand this, but the only thing possibly more disturbing than that outfit itself was that Celine insisted on doing high kicks and squats while singing every song. EVERY.SONG. That visual enough would be scary, but in the whole leotard and sheer pants thing? Not okay. Also, you should know that the man who created this show, Dragone, whose name is everywhere, is responsible for some of the weirder Cirque things too, and apparently Celine had told him to go crazy because shit in this show just does not make sense. Some examples? Sure. Celine sings a song to her little boy. While she is sitting on the tip of the stage singing this song, all of the following things happen: a piano floats across the stage with two men playing it, a Japanese cherry tree suddenly grows up from the middle of the stage, three angels on swings descend from the ceiling and swing for a while before being carted back up and a man on a bicycle also floats across the stage. And only because she is sitting does Celine not do high kicks and squats. Sound CREEPY? It's got nothing on some of the other stellar moments. For example, during the early phase of the show, Celine appears to be singing in some gothic prison tower. In the tower with her are three sets of couples performing modern dance. There is also a butler in a yellow suit who does nothing but stand on the top of one of the stairways for the entire ten minute segment. And also, in the far corner, there is a bald man painted entirely white who performs freestyle dancing in EVERY SINGLE SONG SHE SINGS FOR THE ENTIRE SHOW. Celine, in a panic, runs from couple to couple to escape the gothic tower, but they block her way. Oh no! Whatever should Celine do in this situation? I know! Break into our favorite Meatloaf cover, "It's All Coming Back to Me Now." Surely the power of your voice in this classic ballad originally performed by a ROCK GOD will remedy the gothic prison tower situation. But then, suddenly, the modern dancers disappear! Celine is baffled, confused ... now she is alone in the gothic tower! What will she do? Yes! Of course, for seemingly no reason at all she will transition into "Because You Loved Me." The power of the ballad, people. Though, to be fair, there's some confusion as to whether it's the power of the ballad or the power of her high kicks and squats that causes her to eventually escape from the tower. I mean, I could go on. I could tell you about the number where the butler brings a chair into the middle of the stage and Celine sits in it with her legs spread and sings "Seduces Me" while 30 men in tights and no shirt writhe on the floor below her and occasionally give her toned down lap dances. Actually, that was pretty hot, if not weird. I could also tell you about how twice Celine stops the show, close to tears each time, to thank us for being her audience so she can perform. This goes on for quite a stretch. I could tell you about how during the last songs before the encore she sings "Love Can Move Mountains" and "I Drove All Night," and in order to rock she brings her guitarist and bassist on stage. Once, these guys had dreams of rocking. Now they are performing with Celine Dion and a troupe of forty modern dancers. That's all I'm saying. How about the number where she covers Stevie Wonder and performs a dance, a dance that includes high kicks and squats, with only the male dancers-of-color in her troupe. What the hell is that? Or, the moment when she plays air guitar. Repeatedly. There's also the curtain call, which is AWESOME. The first one, before the encore, Celine comes out and we're all clapping. She does a deep, opera-style curtsey. Then she moves stage left and does another one. We still clap. She moves stage right and does another one. We continue to clap. Then she stands there for a good five minutes with the mike in her hand, letting us clap while we wait for her to tell us thank you and get on with the encore. THIS GOES ON FOREVER. Finally, she thanks us again for giving her the opportunity to perform, and busts into the much-anticipated encore, "My Heart Will Go On." I'm not going to lie. I had a tear in my eye. And then for the final curtain call? Lather, rinse, repeat. Except that this time, when she leaves the stage for real, she does some high kicks and squats on the way out. I AM NOT JOKING. Mike asks me before I go to the show, "Will anybody be, you know, feeling the spirit when Celine sings?" Oh Mike, many people felt the spirit. The woman sitting behind me was up and dancing and singing on song TWO of the night. She had to be physically restrained. In between every.single.song rabid fans were yelling "I LOVE YOU CELINE!" and she would answer back, "I love you, too." And I would think, "I would love people too if they paid $300 to watch me do high kicks in some weirdo leotard while a troupe of modern dancers runs across the stage and a piano floats through the air. WHAT THE FUCK?" Best comment though was K-Rock, who in an email before I left for the show said, "Celine. Still. Best singer in de world. Have fun, if there's any to be had. Though I wouldn't be surprised if you told me you silently sang along to some blazing hits." Girl, I don't know what you mean by "silently." The whole theatre heard my version of "A New Love." Seriously. I mean, the piano flies through the air. This is VEGAS, baby.