The Great Relationship Chart Debate: Simple or Complex?

You know, this story is kind of old. I'm guessing it happened circa 2007, because it would have happened right the beginning of what I like to call the "Year of ITBYYYWLGLMBUYMSGIYLMHWTF".¹. The conversation must have happened around the time of Pook's birthday because I was in Pittsburgh and it was warm and we were having coffee in the kitchen at the Wilkinsburg crib in the morning. Pook made the mistake of asking me about the state of my relationship with that particular boy, which as evidence by the year that follows was pretty much at the end of its game.

It's been argued that I'm overly analytical. This, of course, in contrast to the rest of the time when I'm decidedly not analytical. But when my brain gets going, sure, I'll concede that there's over thinking there. I got out some paper and a pen and proceed to explain relationships to Pook using this chart.



So, in my graph:

Line A: This is the progression chart of your minimum expectation relationship. It's what you'd need in order to consider it an LTR or even marriage material. It will progressively get better for a period of time and then, like all relationships, it will plateau. But it will plateau at a point where you're getting enough of what you need in order for you to understand that this is the relationship that you should choose and stay in. FOREVER.

Line B: This is what a relationship would look like if all of your fantasies came true. Even after the relationship plateaued, you would wake up every day feeling like you were sunbathing in a field of puppies all of whom sang songs from the Glee soundtrack and carried around trays of vodka cocktails strapped to their backs. You would have found the perfect relationship. And you would want to stay in it. FOREVER.

Line C: This is most relationships, and they suck. They plateau quickly, and well before you're even close to being at a point where you'd be getting what you needed out of a relationship. They feel like you're constantly in an episode of Melrose Place, but without the hot people and perfectly defined abs. Or, worse yet, they feel like every day somebody is reading the instruction manual to a dishwasher to you out loud, repeatedly. You exit quickly. Possibly breaking up via Facebook, or even text message.

Line D: But, this, Line D, this is the trouble point. This happens when the relationship plateaus just below the point where you'd be getting what you really need in order for the relationship to be a valid LTR or marriage potential. But it's close. It's right up there against that line. And the struggle you'll face is this: "What if I never get closer than this? What if this is as good as it gets and, because I'm waiting for a relationship that meets the expectations of Line A, I give up on one that is close in the manner of Line D and then forever after experience only Line C?" Especially for the over-thinker, this can be mind boggling. And it can also be a reason that you (stupidly) stay in a relationship longer than you should.

Pookie, being nothing if not a bastion of patience, listened to me detail the finer points of my relationship graph for well over half an hour. Then he got up, walked over to the kitchen counter, got a paper and pen, and drew this.²



Pook's version of this chart is much simpler.

Line A: Represents the development phase of the relationship.

Line B: This happens when you decide that this is a person that you want to be with, and your fight instinct kicks in to fight for the relationship. You'll notice this line is very short, because it doesn't happen very often.

Line C: Represents the first "flight response" from a relationship. It's called "OH MY GOD THIS PERSON IS NOTHING LIKE ME."

Line D: Represents the second "flight response" from a relationship. It's called "OH MY GOD THIS PERSON IS EXACTLY LIKE ME."

It's true. Pook is a lot more zen than I am, and that's a much clearer, streamlined, "the world is simple" way to look at relationships. However, with a few more years under his belt and a couple more serious relationships, I'm wondering if Pook hasn't started to think that my chart actually catches the subtleties and nuances better. AHEM.

What? These aren't the conversations that you have with your family? Happy Birthday, little brother. That's right, I transferred those charts to jpgs for you. It's the gift that keeps giving.

¹I Tried to Breakup with You for a Year and You Wouldn't Let Go and Let Me Be Until You Met Some Girl on the Internet and a Year Later Married Her What the Fuck?

² I was pretty self-absorbed in my own pontifications at the time, but I imagine that prior to heading over to the counter for said paper and pen, there was an eye roll by Pook. Possibly even an exasperated sigh.