Dear NFL: Let Me Tell You How It Is

(I'm working up to the bank system, HWP. That's a big one.)

Dear NFL,

Wow. You know what you should do? You should hire nannies for your players as part of their compensation. I LOVE the NFL, and even I am getting sick of this nonsense. When even Brett Favre acted like a child, you really have to examine what you're letting your players get away with.

May I remind you that when the NBA became a league of criminals and thugs, people stopped caring. There was financial evidence of it. Then you made them wear suits, which was the lamest patch job I've ever seen. It took a long time for a good kid from Cleveland to start to repair the damage, but then Kevin Garnett spoke after winning the championship and we all became convinced that they were all crazy again. Here's the video. We were just laughing at it in the office the other day. We love how he keeps bumping into Suzy Kolber.



Anything is possible! Shout out to everybody! Top of the world!

Anyway, here is a list of things I'm sick of hearing about:

Jay Cutler - whiny, baby, and somebody should tell him that he's just an employee. And the fact that this was even allowed to be a media show and somebody from the league didn't get him and his "people" shut up is embarrassing.

Michael Vick - ARE WE EVEN SERIOUSLY TALKING ABOUT WHAT TEAM MIGHT TAKE MICHAEL VICK AFTER HE GETS OUT OF PRISON? I know, it's standard operating procedure in your league to take the criminals back into the fold. Maybe it's time to stop this. Maybe the reason kids don't fear acting like criminals is that they see you constantly forgiving them. Maybe there are a lot of quarterbacks out there and you don't need this one just to sell novelty tickets.

T.O. - Okay, that's a lie. You can run all of the stories you want about T.O. not showing up for conditioning training and creating drama. Wanna know why? Because he's not committing crimes and with him you're getting exactly what you know you'll get. And because I'm partial.

Donte Whitner, Leon Hall, etc.: - I just, I don't understand why you don't seem to care how many of your players are getting arrested for DUIs, violence, riots. There are SO MANY people who would play in the NFL. Cut them loose after they show you they can't act like reasonable adults (by which I mean everybody gets one screw up, sort of) and get new talent.

Ray Lewis: I just threw this in here because it infuriates me so greatly that he's become a hero of the NFL.

Plax: He's a moron. Why are we still discussing this? Topic closed.

Possible Labor Stoppage: This makes my blood boil. I don't want to hear one more headline about the union having an issue with salary capping. Make the cap higher if it makes financial sense, but salary capping is what's made your league financially viable because it's made it interesting. See MLB as an example of how people stop caring when competing becomes about the luck of the draft. Whiny.

It's like the NFL headlines page of ESPN reads more like the NY Post gossip section these days. So let me tell you how this needs to go:

1. You reign your players in. Where I work, if I were to say, get arrested, there are some pretty clearly documented procedures and punishments. There's no reason you can't have those. And if they're applied to everybody, every time, we can't be complaining that there's preferential treatment, or some teams are softer than others.

2. Manage your players' PR people: I'm not allowed to go out in the world and say whatever I want about my bosses in public forums WHILE NEGOTIATIONS ARE STILL GOING ON NOLESS. Your people shouldn't be able to either. It's not unreasonable that part of people's contractual obligations involve shutting the hell up about internal operations. My god.

3. Get rid of Dan Snyder: Just because. What a tool.

4. Don't put known criminals in United Way ads: I mean, seriously. I saw one with Ray Lewis last season. Are you kidding me?

5. Stop acting like you have no social responsibility: Because you do. Successful organizations care about the character of their employees as much as their talent. See "banking industry" as an example of what happens when you stop caring about character. You don't want to end up like that, do you?

I'm fixing shit for everybody this week. It's what I do.

love,
jocelyn