We Resume! Five Notes About Winter Blues

Believe me when I say, it was not my intention to go a month without writing, but work took over. Plus I've been mildly blue and while some folks write best when they can write about the sad stuff, I'm not that girl. But not to worry, I've pre-written for the week and we will be several entries deep. And yes! One of them will be the annual Idol fangrrrrl letter! And the other summarizes the best reactions from my friends when I got asked out by a 19 year old. True enough. And he was hot. And no, I didn't. The joy! The wonder. For today, however, we go with a five point update.

1. Chronic Winter's End Depression? I think it may be a trend. There are no shortage of people I know who are a little bit blue right now. It's a good time of year to be a little blue because there are lots of folks to commiserate with. I'm quite aware that in my normal cycle I'm not usually kicked out of my first quarter blues by now, but this year there are a lot of people there with me. And more intensely than usual. And not-fantastic things are happening to people to cause them to be blue. I read somewhere that this was an astrologically bad year for anybody who wasn't a Pisces. On the other hand, I read that it would be an astrologically fantastic year for me and my fish brethren. WHEN IS THAT PART HAPPENING?

2. Things Not to Do If You're a Little Bit Blue: Would include, but not be limited to, a)asking relationship advice from people who are not in good relationships or from people who are in good relationships or even from people who are in what seem to be good relationships but are in fact not as good under the surface as they may at first appear. You're not going to get anything out of those conversations that inspires you to feel positive. b)reading the last third of American Pastoral. c.) reading your own tarot cards. or d.) watching the season 5 finale of Buffy (yes, that is the one in which she sacrifices herself to save the world and dies - and by most people's arguments should have been where the show ended). The last one will leave you in tears for a couple of days at LEAST. And worse, if you were watching it on dvd, you can then go back and rewatch the heartbreaking last moment where Spike falls to the ground in tears over and over again, making it even worse. I am torn - because popular consensus says "don't watch six and seven," but a lone argument has been made that the comic books are actually quite wonderful but require you to have the background of seasons six and seven. I'm not sure what to do. A twitter!

3. Basketball time! So, you know, I'm dating some people and whatnot, and I realized the other day that I really do construct what men would consider perfect dates, but which just seem normal to me. So guy #1 (I have no clever knickname right now) is leaving the other day and we're talking about what to do next weekend, and I'm all like "I'm taking personal days on Thursday and Friday to go to the doctor's and then come home and watch the tournament all day long. Wanna come over and watch basketball?" Which is both intended as and interpreted as, "Wanna watch basketball and have sex?" And responded to with, "Oh my god, that is the most perfect date ever." However, still single in this household! (Refrain from comments shamus, refrain).

4. No, don't really refrain. I got a lot of borderline harsh wake up advice this week. Big winners included:
a. "Perhaps the next time you decide you don't want to be with somebody, you should be more honest about your feelings about them and if you really care about them, you shouldn't leave." (which it both true and totally unfair at the same time, sometimes you can absolutely love somebody but also be aware enough to know it's absolutely the wrong situation for you. It doesn't always have to be about feelings, yo. However, I did lie to myself about how much I felt for Boom when I cut it off and that, in truth, is coming back to haunt me now).

b. "Listen, you know how awesome you are. If you haven't found somebody, it's not because you don't have lots of options. When you say it's you, not them, that's 100% correct here." (that one is an amalgomation of a couple of ways that was said. And it sucks, because it's true. Maybe not in Boom's case, or in Charler's case, because those really were cases of just bad things being done that could not be recovered from, but in a lot of cases. In my family, we frequently discuss the dilemma of "Should you be with the one you can live with, or with the one you can't live without." I have long been an advocate of the latter, but I may be swaying to the former. On the other hand, part of me feels like I've fought it out so long looking for the latter, I may not be willing to give up at this point. It has been suggested not so mildly that it may be time to do that. Is that quitting?)

And then there was my personal favorite:
c. "Listen, among this group of friends, everybody knows that you will never be attracted naturally to what is good for you. Look at the people you've dated in the last five years, and then seriously ask yourself if you couldn't have figured out IN THE FIRST WEEK that that was going to go bad. Then start really figuring things out IN THE FIRST WEEK so that you never get to this point. (Except that, sometimes, it is all about the feelings, yo.)

At least my friends are honest. Which is what makes them awesome friends. I get it. It's me. Mostly. Well, no, really, entirely. At this point, it's entirely about me and some bad, identifiable patterns that would require diligence to break. But, yo, seriously, the heart wants what the heart wants, dude.

5. To Sum: I am, and have been for a long time, aware that it does not matter how much you love somebody, there are situations that are untennable and combinations of personalities and needs that are unmanageable and sometimes timing that is just unfortunate and even sometimes actions that may not be unforgivable but are unforgettable - and any of those situations require the honesty to face them and exit the situation no matter how much you love the person (Rhianna, I'm talking to you, girl). I'm okay with that. Unfortunately, when that is the reason behind a severing, you go through the dual breakdowns. There's the sadness during the logical and initial breaking up, and then sometime several months later something always happens that reminds you that the dream is really gone (queue music please) and that's when the emotional part catches up to you. I knew way back in November that there couldn't be a future for Boom and me, and by the end of December I was pretty much okay with that and moving on. And then something happened this week that made my heart override my head and it was like I finally had to let go there. Which is good, and needed, and the right thing. And it's spring and time to let go of old winter clothes anyway. But it still hurt.

Because the heart always wants what the heart wants. It doesn't care about your logic, no matter how logical you are. It's a jerk that way.