The Good, The Bad, The Just Plain Wrong

There's been a lot of asking me lately what I like and don't about the snowy white North. Though apparently people from further north would find it hysterical that I consider Montreal the great white north.

So, a list. We'll do the five good things first, because we're always all entertained by the bad more than the good.

Things that Rock About Canada
1. Makeup: You can buy Clinique, Anna Sui and even Benefit at your local corner pharmacy. Sure can. Leaving me broke? Yes. Giving me hours of enjoyment? Also yes.

2. Boys: They are a whole level of cuter up here. I mean, except for the boys that I know in the rest of the world, who are a lot cuter than the Canadian boys. That made no sense.

3. Snow When Viewed from Inside: Is really, really pretty. I so love it.

4. The Metro: I come, most recently, from Vegas. A place with no public transportation at all. So being able to get everywhere except the airport by public transport is a blessing.

5. Winter Means You Get to Wear Boots: It's been a long time since I was in a climate where you didn't look like a big poser dumbass if you were boots. On the other hand, see the list to follow.

6. Nationalized Health Care: Say what you want, or as one DCWP would say, propagate some conspiracy theory if you may, it's a better system. Nobody is dying here because they can't get health coverage.

7. Hockey: If you're a fan like I'm a fan, this is obviously a better place to be - except for maybe Pittsburgh. And honestly San Jose. Both of those places have rabid fans. And in San Jose you don't need to wear a coat to go to the game. I may have just moved this to the other category.

Okay. So, so far, that's it. And I know it's not fair, because I've only been here three months and a large portion of that has been as winter set in, and I know you know how I feel about winter. And it's not positive. So this is going to sound really negative when I bust into my list of things that suck about Canada. But hopefully I'll look back on this in a year and say, "Aw, wasn't that cute, when I thought all of those things about Canada sucked!" But this is a blog of transparency to my immediate emotions, and my immediate emotions are "Wow. So. This was a decision."

Things That Suck About Canada
1. Boys Who Speak French: I'm sorry. I have now tried to rally on several occasions about being excited about dating boys who speak French. It's just not my thing. I'll just say it, when you bust out the French while we're getting busy, I start to feel like I'm in a bad noir porn. And when you speak it in normal day-to-day life, I just get agitated. I've never been fond of the language. In a dating capacity, it's the equivalent of asking me if I want to go to McDonald's on a date. And not in the cute, Americana way. In the "Seriously, let's go get a Big Mac" way.

2. French: One might say that Montreal was a questionable relocation choice for somebody who's often gone on record as not enjoying things that are French unless they are wine, perfume, Agatha jewelry or a handful of tasteful, non-Euro feeling designers. But yet here I am!

3. French Food: I am a fan of French food. For occassion meals. Not daily. I cringe when I walk into a place and suddenly gravy (the poor person's sauce) is heaped on everything I am served. I do not need sauce, or gravy, or sauce, on everything I eat. Please. Serve a salad. Food, in fact, is what I miss most about the west coast.

4. Sushi: Is an extension of the above. I miss going into a place and the normal food being salad and some Asian fusion and sushi as at least one course, and let's not even get into amazingly good sushi such as one gets on the west coast. Montreal is admittedly not any of the following things: a world class sushi city, a world class vegetarian city, a world class salad city. Now, it is world class in the food department in many other things. But those are not things that I eat. PUT DOWN THE GRAVY LADLE PEOPLE.

5. Snow From the Outside: Oh my GOD. It blows so badly. I hate every moment of it. I hate the slush. I hate the way it makes my feet cold. I hate the way it feels on my face. I hate the idea that outdoor sports should be done in this weather. I hate that I'm not even upset about not having a car right now. I hate that people say that this weather is mild.

6. Snow Ruins Boots: Sure, it's awesome to get to wear your sassy, sassy boots out. It's not awesome that three months later your $600 boots are ruined by salt stains and slush. WTF? What's even the point then?

7. Customs: Just, just, don't even get me started.

8. Canadian Idol, Canadian "So You Think You Can Dance", Canadian-Produced TV Shows: At first, I was quite excited that I could realistically get a double dose of my favorite American trash TV reproduced for Canada. Then I watched one episode each of "So You Think You Can Dance" and "Canadian Idol" and said HELL NO. Something happens when a market size is 1/10 the market size of the US. And that something is that the quality of production on poorly produced TV goes to a whole new low. When the "SYTYCD" contestants are wearing dance costumes similar to those that I wore in my dance school days, we have an issue. And don't even get me started on Canadian Idol. Thank God for Burlington, Vermont and its network TV stations.

9. Did I mention it's 1/10 the market size? You don't really think of this because Canada is thought of as America North and Montreal is a big city, but you can't just pick up and go to the Target or Wal-Mart Supercenter and find anything and everything you need. Everything you're used to having a selection on? Assume 1/4 as much of a selection. On everything. Except perhaps cosmetics.

10. The Toronto Raptors: But listen, this could happen in the states too. You get trapped somewhere with some tragically bad sports team and are forced to watch their lame ass games on TV over and over again. But such is the case here. If the Raptors are playing, forget seeing a good NBA game. Then again, "Good NBA Game" may be an outdated term.

It could be worse, right?

We'll revisit this next year. I promise.