A Monday Five That Is Not Mine

I am on what Red Delicious likes to refer to as negative time right now, which, you know, means that I'm really, really busy. Though, in fairness, I do get to work while watching the tournament games in the office, so that's good. However, instead of taking the time to write anything, I'm just transcribing other funny people's funny stuff that they said to me. Enjoy.

1. Mystery Wine

Joe
I am finally cracking into the mystery wine.

Me
I want a full report!

Joe
It's surprisingly good. Fine print says it's a Syrah and Cab blend. You should check it out.

Me
Is it cheap enough to support my alcoholic tendencies?

Joe
It's cheap enough to support mine.

2. More Robin Thicke

Ferris
Things Robin Thicke will do with you: 1. Roll with you. 2. Hold with you. 3. Stay warm and get out of the cold with you.

3. More Melissa Etheridge

Hott Scott
I was behind you while you were running at the gym today and I just kept thinking "Damn, I really hate Melissa Etheridge."

Me
Cause I think "Come to My Window" was on my playlist twice.

Hott Scott
So stalkerish. Like reverse stalkology. I mean, I sneak up to look in some girl's window and she's already there. Waiting. "Now who's the stalker?" she'll say in her head as she sings "Come to My Window" It's a game of chess, and I won't have it. I prefer good, old-fashioned voyeurism. Oh, I'll come to your window the second you fall asleep. They all fall asleep sometime.

I bet the witch in Hansel and Gretel was singing that all slow and evil with an Appalachian kind of accent while she watched the children approach the house.

Me
Dear God. I wonder what goes on in your head when you're NOT texting me.

Hott Scott
It's my crooked little house.

4. Twitch

Boom
What are you doing home?

Me
i came home to put on my easter clothes and bake the single most delicious thing in the world to take for dessert.

if you were here, i could bake and you could lick my bowl! whew! inappropriate innuendo humor for easter!

Boom
are you going to dress up like a bunny ?

Me
i totally have a slutty bunny outfit left over from some gay easter gala years and years ago. it has a little cotton tail and everything. i'm sure jesus thought it was an appropriate tribute when i wore it through the castro

Boom
does your nose twitch?

Me
if it's my nose that's twitching, you're in the wrong spot.

5. How is it that we're not all watching...

THIS!

It addition to just the concept....brilliant...it's on LIFETIME, it's hosted by Ian Ziering and judged by Chris Judd AND somebody named Vitamin C. I feel like we're probably missing out.