A List of 10 People I'd Like to Punch in the Head

1. The DNC chapter in Florida: Are you morons? Listen, it's one thing for Republican delegates to get their seats stripped because if we know one thing for sure, it's that no matter how close the race is, the Republican party will have their shit together to unite behind a single candidate once there is a single candidate to unite behind. It's an entirely different thing to create unnecessary dissension in the Democratic party. This is party that, four years ago, had TYPOS in the letter they sent to the people who DONATED THE MAXIMUM AMOUNT to their candidate. This is not a party that has their shit together. Your having your primary BEFORE authorized primaries? Unnecessary dissension. It was going to suck either way. If they'd let you keep your delegates, then Camp Obama would have a completely legitimate gripe should Hillary win. If they take your delegates away then it's possible, just possible, that the winner of the primary won't actually be the person who won the primary. And, for the record, I think the DNC did the right thing by telling you that your delegates can't be seated. You can't just let people break the rules for no reason. How fucking hard would it have been for you to have had your primary a week later during authorized primary time? Way to create even more strife in a party not known for its unified front even in the best of circumstances.

2. The DNC of Michigan: See above. But I should not be surprised. That's a state that managed to resist change so strongly that it took one the most powerful state economies and turned it into a mockery.

3. Janet Jackson: For the song Feedback. Why must you take my memories of you and destroy them with a song about your Asian persuasion?

4. Stop and Go Pizza: For leaving the most annoying paper flier under my windshield, almost causing me to wreck in last night's rain storm.

5. Kelly Pickler: Just because.

6. The Girl at the Front Desk at the Gym: For staring at me like I was inconveniencing her when I asked for my towel.

7. Jack Frost: For creating actual freezing temperatures in Vegas this week.

8. Whipper: For not thinking that I was funny today when, clearly, I was funny.

9. Tom Brady: For that foul self-righteous smile in every press interview. Ew. Just gross. But you're going to win XLII, no doubt.

10. The Makers of Xanax: Because it's not doing shit for me this month.

But, for the record, here are three people I would like to engage in a deep lip lock.

1. K-Yo: For purchasing all of season 2 of Supernatural for me. I watched every episode this weekend, and it was glorious.

2. Halff: For purchasing all 94 episodes of Sex and the City for me. Last night I watched the episode where Carrie is having a breakdown about habitually hooking up with twenty-somethings. It was like a spiritual experience.

3. James Ferris: For mocking Google text and its need to POP.