LAX/FAX Redux

Firstly, this month is exactly like deja vu. It's exactly like last year, where I got sick and couldn't run. But then I lost about 10 pounds which made me a better runner when I went back. And I got behind on everything, but because I was sick and homebound I got a lot of things organized and clean. And then I freaked out that I was getting a slow start to the year. And then I went on and had an amazingly, over-full, adventure-filled year. I'm hoping it all works out the same.

Anyway, let's get deep.

So, you may remember that back before the holiday there was this entry, complete with comment thread. And at the end of the comment thread it was suggested that I wake up on Christmas morning and really give some thought to whether I'm happy or not, and what I want, and what I miss. And because I believe that nothing is coincidental in the world, I figured it was pretty important that I do that.

So, you know, because I'm overly analytical -- often to the point of detriment -- I broke this down into three actual things. Was I happy. What did I Want. Who Did I Miss.

Who Did I Miss
You know, oddly, I didn't wake up missing anybody. But that may be because I had seen so many of the people who matter the most to me during the month of December. I had actually thought that I would wake up and miss some people. Some friendships that I had had to let grow of during the year. A couple of relationships that had ended, and not necessarily with rainbows and puppies. And maybe the fact that I didn't miss anybody was circumstantial that I'd spent the last three nights in houses full of people I love in a place that I love, and a couple of hours later my family was going to get there. Okay, I actually did miss my cousin Di desperately, but that's an anomaly and sometimes people have to miss holidays. But then there's the flip side. That if I hadn't been there for Christmas. And if I hadn't had the schedule flexibility and financial resources to basically spend a month traveling for the holiday gauntlet before the holiday, then I would have been missing people and places desperately. And that's part of the reason that a LAX/FAX holiday may be better for me. Take away my ability to make the holidays about being with ALL the people I love (or, you know, many and most of them) and I do get sad. I am not equipped to have that very special couple of months taken away from me. But that's also an issue with me and relationships in general. I am not designed to give ALL of myself to any one person. I am designed to have lots and lots of touchpoints. So I can really only function with somebody who can give me that ability without making me feel guilty or trapped. But anyway, missing people? I didn't feel it. That's a good thing.

Was I Happy?
Yes. I was happy. If I had been unhappy after coming off of such an amazing, adventurous, loving, blessed, experience full year, then there probably would have been no hope for me. Also, though, maybe not the best situation to ask me in, because I'm awfully reflective during the holidays. So if you look at the year I had, and then think about the fact that I would have been reflecting on how lucky I'd been that year, then it would be insane that I didn't wake up happy. And I was happy all day. It was a happy Christmas.

What Did I Want?
Okay, here's the curve ball.

I kept thinking that I wished I had a baby.

Yep. That's the thought that kept coming to my head. And maybe it was because I had spent time with Tyler and Cienna and Justin right before the holidays, and they are all charming and engaging children. But I kept thinking that it was time for me to be giving a child Christmas and starting to weave that fabric, which is a much differently colored fabric than the one I'm weaving now.

WHICH IS CRAZY.

It's crazy because I just got done telling you that I woke up happy and complete and full BECAUSE I was able to live my life the way I lived it last year. Which I could not have done with a baby. My parents weren't running off to Africa and Greece AFTER they had me. Nobody was living some kind of flexible, adventure seeking life AFTER they had me. And I know, I know, the parents out there will tell me that it's a different kind of adventure. And that the fulfillment of having your own family is a greater reward. And they're probably right. But I just got done figuring out how to live in a way that makes me feel happy and complete. WHY ON EARTH WOULD I SHAKE THAT UP?

So, we are back to the one constant with me. I want conflicting things at all times. Awesome!