So, January happened. And ruminations on a doll house.

I mean, did it? It simultaneously feels like this month lasted for ever and never happened at all. I have vague memories of buying some hot jeans, a purse I haven't even seen yet and a pair of shoes I can't wear for three more months. I have a vivid memory of having wine and Mediterranean food in Long Beach and then shopping for sex toys. I remember the Rose Bowl. I remember New Year's Day.

And, well, that's it.

I accomplished nothing this month, unless you count watching the entire first seasons of 90210 and Supernatural as accomplishing something.

I went through a lot of emotions this month. My head still hurts from them.

My aunt went through some of my uncle's things and found an illustration from a 1976 edition of Better Homes and Gardens that my uncle used as the inspiration for the dollhouse he hand-made me when I was seven. The doll house was yellow and had a special little attic where the dolls could store their extra dresses. It had white curtains that my aunt sewed for me and not one but two balconies so the dolls could enjoy the outside on breezy summer nights in Western Pennsylvania.

This month I realized that I can't stretch the four weeks between hair coloring even one extra day because the right side of my head wants to develop a grey streak so badly that it's starting to overpower everything else. After I realized that, I went and lay down in my bed to pout like a four year old and wallow in self-pity, and from my bed I could see the framed picture that eventually became my doll house. When I was a little girl, I played with that doll house all the time. I honestly always thought that I was practicing for when I was older. Now, I literally have a grey streak that requires me to send myself email reminders that it's time to color my hair, my month was so forgettable that most of what I remember involves shopping and crying, and I own a pink cell phone and pink iPod. Strange how life works out.

I'm really not feeling bad. I'm sure this weekend I'll go to Mesquite for the Super Bowl and it will be fun and insane and amazing and I'll start telling stories about how much I like the freedom of my life right now (and probably how I drank until I puked on the blackjack table) again by Monday. I'm just work-stressed and a little sad about some other things and maybe even a little PMS-driven. Ignore me. I'll be totally back to normal by Monday. If nothing else, I'll go out and do something crazy on purpose so we all have something to talk about! Promise! Love you! Mean it!

 

Five Pieces of Information You Should Not Start Your Week Without

1. Jon-Rae and the River Knows What You Need is an album you should listen to. If nothing else, listen to "Just One More" because it will rock your day. And who doesn't need a little rock to start the week?

2. I've been watching season one of 90210. I remember watching later seasons of 90210 and wondering why we ever found Jason Priestly and Luke Perry hot. But, no joke, go back and re-watch season one now that it's out on dvd. Those guys were HOT. HOT! I have no idea when they got "puffy face syndrome," which they did later. But back in the day? HOT!

3. If you haven't re-read your Essential Rumi collection recently, do. I had...forgotten.

4. This week on Dateline's fifty-four-millionth episode of "To Catch a Preditor", they catch a preditor for the second time. They act like this is a huge deal, but if you film the same set up 500 zillion times it's statistically likely to happen. I'm just saying.

5. Yeah, I had colds, remember? So I've watched a lot of tv on dvd lately. I got Supernatural because, you know, Jared Padalecki and Jensen Akles. But after watching it -- that's seriously a good little show. Do you hear me (I Love) Paul Jack and Dex? It's a good little show. I think you'd enjoy it.

 

Let's Get Back To the Fun With Three Conversations

A Conversation with Ryan

Ry
Yadda yadda yadda yap yap yap talking talking talking more talking yadda yadda more talking on and on won't shut up advice on people from RYAN is awesome talking more talking

Me
SHUT UP YOU'RE MAKING MY EARS BLEED

A Conversation with Matty

Matty
Go Bears! Go Bears! Bears in the Super Bowl!

Me
Your quarterback is named Sexy Rex and he can't string two sentences together. But I repeat, your quarterback is named Sexy Rex. Can you really be okay with that?

A Conversation with Hilary Clinton

Me
I'm glad you're running. I'm going to bust ass for you.

Hilary
It's about healthcare! It's about economy! It's about getting out of Iraq.

Me
Really? For me it's just about watching Bill stand behind you and hold his belly while he chuckles.

 

Recipes for "Found"

I stole that title from Hilary, because she is an amazing woman with an amazing way with words.

People gave me recipes for found. I followed them.

Shadalan told me to do something special for myself like take a long bubble bath and visualize what I wanted. And I did.

Carrie reminded me of this: "Let those around you help, if at all possible. As women, we try to be all things to everyone and there are days when we just do not have the answers -- that is ok."

Jayson told me to listen to some Leonard Cohen to remind myself what I needed. Particularly this one, which he remembered was always my favorite:

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin

Dance me through the panic 'til I'm gathered safely in

Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the end of love

Oh let me see your beauty when the witnesses are gone

Let me feel you moving like they do in Babylon

Show me slowly what I only know the limits of

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the end of love


Dance me to the wedding now, dance me on and on

Dance me very tenderly and dance me very long

We're both of us beneath our love, we're both of us above

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the end of love 

Hilary told me to read some Rumi and practice silence and remember that the only real control is surrender (damn that girl gets me). She sent me this Rumi poem:

SKY-CIRCLES

The way of love is not
a subtle argument.

The door there
is devastation.

Birds make great sky-circles
of their freedom.

How do they learn that?
They fall, and falling,
they're given wings.

And when I was reading, this is the one that stuck with me yesterday.

Ode 314

Those who don't feel this Love
pulling them like a river,
those who don't drink dawn
like a cup of spring water
or take in sunset like supper,
those who don't want to change,

let them sleep.

This Love is beyond the study of theology,
that old trickery and hypocrisy.
If you want to improve your mind that way,

sleep on.

I've given up on my brain.
I've torn the cloth to shreds
and thrown it away.

If you're not completely naked,
wrap your beautiful robe of words
around you,

and sleep.

And strangely, this morning, we found "found" together. And found for me was to realize that, even though there are three of us taking a journey at the same time, on the next part of the path, there's only room for two. And so, for me, "found" means letting go of the hand I've been holding on to and letting myself float away into the universe. And probably, honestly, I'm the only one of the three of us who trusts the universe enough to do that. But I was born under a lucky star and I've never ended up somewhere bad when I've remembered (or been reminded) that the only true form of control is surrender.

And so I'm floating again now. And I know there's at least a chance that when the universe sets me back down on solid ground, it will be on a different path with a different destination and a different traveling companion - or no traveling companion at all. And even though I can't imagine how that would be, I'm okay with it. Because I can't make it so there's room on that path for all three of us at the same time. And I can't make myself okay standing and waving while they take their journey when I could be floating up into the sky instead. And because I know that the universe is going to put me where I belong in the end. And because nobody's ever written a poem that moved me that was about forcing life to be what you wanted instead of standing in the middle of the life you have and seeing how beautiful it is.

 

But Tomorrow Is Only Twelve Hours Away

I've been getting lost in myself a lot lately. I think that nine out of ten people who deal with me on a daily basis wouldn't know that if I didn't say it here, because on the outside right now I think I seem way more put together than I even normally do. I haven't had a "I woke up late and wore sweatpants to work" day in weeks (other than those days when I was taking sick days and just rolling in late). I've been hyper-organized and super productive at work. My place is clean and cat hair free. I'm rolling into the week with a plan for completing everything on my work and personal to-do lists without fail by Friday. I'm back in the gym. I'm focused when people talk to me. My inbox was actually totally clean for 10 minutes last week and I returned almost a dozen phone calls. Most people think that, at this moment, I'm a laser.

But the truth is that there's a lot of the opposite going on right now. I've got a set of emotions going on in me right now that I've never experienced before, or at least experienced to the level of intensity that I'm feeling right now. And those emotions are happening in what is, quite possibly, the least conducive, most loaded, almost prohibitively daunting circumstances that I could imagine. It's almost like if somebody had said, "Here's the most perfect thing that you could imagine, but if you really want it not only are you going to have to work for it, you're going to have to WORK for it. And I don't think that you have it in you to WORK for it because it's been so much easier for you in the past than this. So prove you want it. And as soon as you think you've removed one obstacle, I'm going to throw another one in front of you."

So I wake up every day knowing that there's this potentially life-changing thing right in my grasp, but so not in my grasp at the same time. And lately there's been this bad, bad, bad, internal spiral going on where the swing between these fantastic feelings that get handed to me like little handmade gift cards every day and these other frustrated, helpless, hopeless feelings about the other side of the situation battle it out in my head to the point where, literally, I stop in the middle of the day and realize that I'm emotionally, mentally and psychologically completely lost. And this lost feeling is totally new to me. I mean, I know the destination, or at least the desired destination. I know where it is I want to go and that I'm willing to do the work to get there. I just have no idea what turn I'm supposed to make to get there.

And I'm 1000 miles away from the only person who might be able to help me figure it out. Better yet, I got so lost that I think I got that person more than a little lost, too. So now we're lost together. And if I'm being honest, neither of us are all that good at maps or driving directions to begin with, so lost means lost. And any movie I've ever seen where two people get lost together and can't figure the map out then ends with some strange looking red-headed, freckled kids coming out of a corn field and killing everybody around with garden tools before stringing them up by the side of the road as an example of what happens when you stop paying attention and take a wrong turn. So I'm terrified.

Listen, I know my writing is horrible tonight, but I think that I should at least get props for saying "That's a lame metaphor, but I'm committing to it and riding it out to the very end."

I mean, I know enough to know that the only thing I can do here is get up every day and just focus on that day and doing the things I need to do in that day so that I can feel at the end of the day like I'm doing all I can to create a healthy situation for everybody, including me. So that's what I'll do. And I hope that it'll be enough.

I can't even write coherently about this, and I think that perhaps we might all agree that that's a sign that I must be really lost right now, because when was the last time that I said, "I can't even make it make sense when I take the time to write about it." I just sat here for forty-five minutes trying to organize my thoughts and feelings into paragraphs and gramatical structure and...nothing.

That's scary to me. But morning is only 12 hours away, and you never know. Maybe I'll find the road signs again tomorrow.

 

A Special Entry for G-Man of Playsure

Dear G-Man of Playsure,

You require no Amazon Wish List. Your gift giving skills are superior and second to none. And so, as a thank you, I give you this.



They're mine, they're cornfed, they're perky and they've never cheered for a Big 10 school that wasn't IU a day in their life.

 

Who Loves World Series of Beer Pong? I Do!

I'm a little behind on the personal writing front, but that doesn't mean I won't give you my favorite pictures from the World Series of Beer Pong. I LOVE THAT EVENT MORE THAN ANY EVENT IN THE WHOLE WORLD.



Oh yes, they took it seriously.


Very seriously.


Matching T-shirt seriously.


ADULT DIAPER SERIOUSLY.


This is, like, 1/1000 of all the beer used over the weekend.


Team Pregame Girl tries to sober up after a rough loss.


If Jocelyn had been sober, her picture of the Pregame Boy team would have been in focus!

 

I Do Not, in Any Way, Feel Like I am Slamming Into the New Year

I knew the first weeks would be rough. The travel. The bowl games. The work stress. The decompressing. My dogged determination that even with all of that going on I was going to have a blast one way or the other. On top of that, trying to explore LA as a real possibility for the first time as an actual instead of a, "Yes, I'll move to LA this year" vague kind of thing. Combined, of course, with the annual "The holidays are over and now I'm depressed becasue they are my favorite time of year" bout of depression.

And maybe, just maybe, I pushed it a little too hard to make sure I had the fun while I was slamming through the most absurd schedule a person has ever had. Okay, not the most absurd because I know some people with some crazy schedules. But that said, I decided to sneak one extra little trip to LA in last weekend (and my ladies and I went shopping and those jeans are HOT, but not as hot as that bag), and probably that trip was the one trip too many and now.I.have.strep and an ear infection.

Yes, it's hard to slam into the new year when you're sleeping 16 hours a day. Maybe more. I stare at my laptop. It does not speak back to me. I have a list of outlook tasks due today. They'll all be glaring at me in red by tomorrow because apparently the idea of organizing some logos is beyond me. My joint is a mess. I have 122 unanswered personal emails and 71 unanswered work emails. And none of the following things are likely to happen this weekend: a)Zelda completion, b)painting completion, c)phone call returns, d)knitting completions or f)personal writing goals.

But I do have the entire first season of "Supernatural" (thanks Charms94), the entire first seasons of "Melrose Place" and "90210" (Thanks Matt McD) and lots of new "Northern Exposure" (thanks Halff). So if you're going to be stuck in bed doing mindless things, at least those are good mindless things.

This sucks. That is all.

 

I may have a full inbox, but we're doing this first!

So every year RJ and I do this thing where we list our top five favorite movies of the year. Then we compare their total, cumulative IMDB scores and the person with the higher score wins dinner. You may be thinking that this would be a more admirable activity if there were no competition involved, but then you would clearly know nothing about either RJ or myself. Because we are competitive people. Anyway, here we go!

Gubra: Sure, we all know that there's no way Yasmin Ahmad makes a film that I'm able to see and it's not my favorite of the year. Gubra, her second film following the character Orked, is a much more mature, serious and ultimately depressing film than the romantic Sepet. But it's also more beautifully written and thought provoking. You can only get this shit off of eBay, so if you do it, get Sepet too, because watching Orked transition from a believer to a non-believer is only effective if you've seen the first film. There's a third one out that I hope they screen at sfiff this year. I wrote some stuff when I first saw it. (imdb rating: 7.2)

Mind the Gap: Which I saw on cable of all things. I love me some Eric Schaeffer. I wrote a lot about this film when I first saw it, so I won't repeat, except to say that it's stunningly beautiful. Stunningly beautiful. (imdb rating: 7.0)

Wild Tigers I Have Known: I'm pretty sure that the first time I saw this movie I thought it had some pretty big issues and I was all like "Cam Archer, whatever have you done?" But the thing about this movie -- it's maybe not so much about any of the issues and ALL ABOUT the feeling it leaves you with, which I still have now, six months later. Sadness and hope and this surreal feeling about emotional development. I said it better the first time, I think. (imdb rating: 5.9)

007: Casino Royale: WHATTUP I LOVED THIS MOVIE SO MUCH!!!!!!! And no, before you say it, my love of this movie is only partially about Daniel Craig coming out of the ocean in his boy shorts. Every action sequence was amazing. The evolution of the Bond character who, to me in my thirties had become pretty flat, was enough to hold your interest through all three endings that this film had. Judi Dench - need I say more? It was sexy. It was hot. It was entertaining. And the thing that the moviemakers want to hear the most - it will make me go see the next Daniel Craig Bond flick. (imdb rating: 7.9)

The Descent: You know, I have to say that this fifth spot was a toss up and there are a lot of quality films in the honorable mentions pile below. But I'm a sucker for a good horror film. And what I appreciated (though I'm a bit ashamed to say it) about this film is how it portrayed women as strong and kick ass, but also so petty that they'll literally give each other up to monsters over having slept with each other's men, which I think is the true dichotomy of women. Plus, this movie scares the shit out of you if you watch it in the right circumstances. (I think I said this the first time). (imdb rating: 7.5)

Total imdb score: 35.5 (my love of that Cam Archer movie brought me down, man)

Making the honorable mention list this year were:
Borat: Because seriously, I'm not above that. And I love the rodeo scene. And I laughed my booty off (though unfortunately not literally).
The Departed: But mostly just because Leo was HAWT because those last five minutes ruined a lot for me.
My Rewatch of Cinema Paradiso: Still the best three minutes in closing a film ever. I wrote about this when I rewatched it.
Little Miss Sunshine: It is that good. Some poeple say it's not. They have quiet lives not full of crazy folk.
Illumination: It's very lovely. If you can handle grey. But lovely nonetheless. I wrote about this when I saw it.

And really, in a refreshing twist, only one film was so bad it made this "I wish I had these two hours of my life back." Thanks to Gravity - I say thanks for NOTHING. And I said it a lot the first time.

And of course, everything I saw last year is here.

And because I READ too, we can talk about books!

Red Earth and Pouring Rain: So part of the reason my read list is pretty light for the year (I mean, not including how many Dark Angel fan fiction books I read) is because this one took me so long to get through. It changed my life, though, seriously. I wrote about it FOREVER after I read it, so I won't go into it again. You can dig it out.

Queen Bees and Wanna Bes: But honestly, speaking of things that changed my life, I really did get a better understanding of myself when I read this. And talked about it again and again. It's not the best read you'll ever get, but if you're female, it will help you understand yourself A LOT better.

The World is Flat: And the G-Man cringes that this is on the list. I'm sorry, I know he has an agenda. But the observations, on-site visits and predictions in this book are unapologetic and I dig them. And if you haven't read it, then don't complain later when you don't understand the capitalisitc approach to globalization that's going to rule. Here's what I wrote the first time.

There are other fantastic books I read this year, but they were re-reads and I don't want to count them. You can, as always, see everything I read last year here.

And if you're really digging for books and films, here's last year's list (third entry down).

So yes, I'll finish writing about the holidays. And yes, there will be a yearly wrap-up entry. And, well, yes!

 

I Start 2007 With my ILLUSIONS SHATTERED

I have to address this though.

So, Moon, upon being tagged with the five things meme, reveals that he doesn't wash his hair every day and once -- no joke ... he shares this -- got tricked into drinking, sigh, urine.

So, now, instead of sitting across from Moon and thinking "He's so smart, he's so idealistic, he's such a believer, he's so dreamy," I will now ALWAYS sit there and think "Yep, he's the boy who drank pee."

WHY MUST ALL OF MY ILLUSIONS BE STRIPPED FROM ME?