Pampered Like a Princess, Fucked Like a Whore

Firstly, that sound you hear that is roughly the sound of a vortex sucking the earth through it is my mother's gasp of horror echoing across the continent as she thinks "Why, why, WHY can't my daughter have a sense of discretion?"

But that title? That's the title of my new self-help book for young women (by which I clearly mean 18 or over). It's going to be all about this concept that I was discussing this weekend. I decided that, before she finds true love and settles into a relationship for the rest of her life, every girl should have a relationship like the one in the title. The key, and this is the hard part, is that it has to be a relationship with a man whom she truly likes and respects and has a connection with. It has to be a man she considers her equal. But she's got to know that the relationship has no real future and she should just enjoy the time and space that the two of them can spend together for what it is. And then she needs to get pampered like a princess and fucked like a whore for however long it lasts. You'd be surprised how much that helps you come into your womanhood, or learn what it is to be a woman, or discover what you do and don't need men for, or learn how to be with a man without being needy. Lots of benefits. How brilliant will THAT self-help book be?

Anyway, in other news, I now give you another recipe. This one's for the perfect girls' night out on Saturday. Step-by-step for your convenience.

1. Have a non-rager on Friday night.

2. On Saturday, do all of the things you would normally do on a Saturday between the time you finished your non-rager and the time you were ready to start getting ready to go out again. This includes:
- Sleep until at least noon

- Wake up just long enough to go to Hottie World for club clothes (even though you have a closet FULL of club clothes) and Target for supplies

- Come back home, eat, and then promptly go back to sleep again between 3:00pm and 6:00pm. Rotate that napping action between the pool lounge, the couch and the bed. Don't feel ashamed of your commitment to napping.

3. Once again, begin the night with food that is incredibly bad for you. In this case, I mean enchiladas with a commitment to cheese from Fillipos.

4. Take your time on hair and makeup. Listen to Celine Dion and Fall Out Boy while you do that.

5. Take really dirty photos that result in every pair of panties you own being thrown around your joint. This will make you feel hot before you've even left the house. And you can update your MySpace profile as an added bonus.

6. Make sure you start out at a bar where the bartenders know and adore you. They will mix you free drinks and make you feel special when they try so hard to ignore all the other clients so they can hang out and talk to you. This will make you feel sexy and VIP before you've even entered the club, and we all know that FEELING sexy and VIP is the key step here. If you really want to amuse yourselves, tell said bartender about dirty photo session and watch that go down.

7. DON'T hang out in any club that looks dead. It's your big night out! You don't have time to see if things get live. If the club is dead, move on IMMEDIATELY.

8. Meet the hottest twins ever twinned by God.

(Realize, after you meet them, that you must be in a good place in your life because those guys were blazingly hot, into the two of you and ready to party ... and you all walked away to get your drink and dance on without them. That, my friends, is a new place for me.)

9. Go to Tao. Get your drink on. Get your dance on. Have mixed emotions about women humiliating the entire gender with some of their club antics. Get stuck in between a Persian grind off while your girl looks at you blankly since the two of you haven't done a ton of duo runs and she doesn't know your signal system. Really get your dance on. Get a little lost in it.

10. Meet men who are sporting Willie Nelson bandannas. Get in on that action.


11. End the night at New York, New York in the diner with a blt, a baked potato, six chicken tenders, a huge pile of cheesy potatoes and some over-buttered vegetables between the two of you. Have no shame in that.

Girls - the era is starting to end. We need to rock this shit a few more times before it does.