How to Pamper a Girl Like a Princess

Sometimes, I get email from people I don't know who read this blog and I'm like "Really? That thing that I wrote was confusing to you?" But yesterday I got an email that was seriously like, "We guys are confused about how exactly you pamper a girl like a princess." And I was horrified! Because everybody should know that! How will you ever seduce the perfect woman if you don't really know how to princess pamper? And so, because I have been all about improving humanity recently, I'm going to explain it. Really, it's for the sake of all mankind. Thank me the next time you get laid, boys.

The first thing you have to understand is that there are three different ways to pamper a girl depending on what your desired outcome is. There's pampering to get her into bed, there's pampering to get her into some kind of ongoing relationship that's not, um, designed to end in marriage, and there's pampering because you want her to really love you and take care of you for the rest of your life. This is complicated, so keep up.

Pampering a Girl So You Can Sleep With Her: Listen, honestly, if you don't know how to do this, I'm not sure I can help you. Here are the basics though:
- Don't overdo it on dinner. If your real goal is to sleep with her, big bloated bellies don't help. But don't take her to McDonald's either (ahem, RJ).

- Lots of drinks. Not beer. Drinks. There's a difference.

- When the old dude/young chick comes by selling roses, buy one. Work this into your budget BEFORE you go out.

- There's no such thing as saying "You're beautiful" too many times.

Pampering a Girl So You Can Sugar Daddy Her: This is not really the best way to describe the type of relationship I'm really trying to explain here. But let's say you like a girl more than a one-night-stand, but you're definitely not looking for a wife or even a girlfriend. I like to call these LTNSR (long term, no strings relationships, also known as "What Jocelyn is Queen Of"). This is the case where you REALLY need to step up the pampering. Because let's be real, unless you are Adonis in bed, there's not much reason for most girls to stick around in this type of situation. Girls want husbands and babies, so if you want to convince a girl to be available for your one weekend a month of availability, you'd better turn the pamper-meter up to 100. Here's a list.
- No weekend counts unless you take her somewhere four star and romantic. Think beaches, think mountains, think bed and breakfast, think swanky. Do not try to sugar daddy if this is out of your budget.

- Room service. Plan to order it once you're there.

- Gifts. Expensive ones, but not ones that were chosen randomly. You still need to put thought into what she'll like.

- This is important. You have a life outside of her. She knows that. She's going to be curious about that. Part of the deal with princessing her is that you have to respect that she's choosing to be with you with no real future and therefore deserves whatever information she wants. Don't try to keep secrets. She needs that information to keep from falling for you for real.

- IM, text, email or call at least every other day. Keep the connection there.

- Mail her things. Like in the physical mail. But not things that will remind her painfully about your life outside of her. Things like "I was walking by a store and saw this and thought of you."

- And, finally, always, always, always, always when you see her tell her that you thought of her a lot when you weren't with her. Always.

Here's the thing you need to keep in mind: Everything that I described above can easily cross the line into "manipulation just to keep her hanging on." Be real. Keep it real. Know how much of this you're doing because you're both okay with your LTNSR and how much you're doing that just isn't fair. It's harder than it sounds.

Pampering a Girl So That She Will Fall In Love With You: This, of course, is the most admirable one, but also the most difficult one. Why is it difficult? Because when you think of "princessing" a girl, you think about what I described above with the whole LTNSR. But the reality is that there's a whole different kind of princessing that goes on if you want a girl to fall in love with you. And this is where most men don't see the difference. So here's a list.

- Listen, material things are important. I'd like to tell you that they're not, but unless your girl is Mother Theresa, they are. Don't forget Christmas and birthday presents. Presents bought for no reason at all are a good thing. The difference between pampering a girl for a LTNSR and pampering a girl to make her fall in love with you is that you don't have to buy expensive things. Know what three of the best princess presents I ever got were? A book about Hanson (yes, that Hanson) because he knew I would find it funny and endearing, a digital photo of my two favorite stuffed animals in a frame and a video postcard of a sunset. Because you're giving her time and energy, you don't need to spend. But you do need to give her "things" and "stuff."

- Really, seriously, and I can't emphasize this enough, you have to tell her that she's beautiful ALL THE TIME. Especially if she's "aging out." Every girl in the world is insecure about your finding somebody prettier than she is. Even Elizabeth Hurley got cheated on WITH A NASTY LA HOOKER. Tell her that you think she's beautiful even if she's just come home from the gym and hasn't shaved her legs in three days. Okay, don't do that, because she's not stupid and she'll never take you seriously again if you do.

- Surprises - and this is coming from me and I HATE surprises. Surprise her by stopping at the grocery store and bringing her back a Hershey bar and an orange. Surprise her by cleaning out her car for her because she's not good at remembering to do it herself. Surprise her by leaving her notes on her pillow at night. I could give you a list of 100 ways to surprise her, but this entry is long enough already.

- Music - if you're a hipster, make her mix tapes. If you're anybody else, regularly email her mp3s of songs that made you think of her that day.

- Always, always, always kiss her goodbye and hello no matter where you are and who's with you.

- Pull Out the Big Guns: Look, you can't get away with not doing this. Eventually, you need to pull the vacation card out. Save up. Do it right. Create a romantic environment that's totally removed from reality so that you can really let both of you get immersed in that feeling. Sorry. I know it's pricey, but princesses need vacations.

- And, finally, tell her every single day how important she is to you. Every.single.day. If you need to put it on your daily "to do" list, do it.

It's really not that hard, right? I mean, depending on what it is that you want in the end. I mean, are we asking for too much?

I'm so curious to hear if the ladies think I missed anything. I'm so curious to hear if the men think we really do want to much. Hit me up. I read email.