But...the dishwasher...it bubbles

And the funny just keeps on rolling people.

So, I come downstairs from my shower the day after the hippie speakeasy party. I feel less than stellar given the indulgences of the last night, the lack of heat in the house and the fact that I slept in my clothes AND HOOKER BOOTS all night. But apparently I felt better than Pookie, B-Funk and the other kids because I walk downstairs to this hungoverness scene.


Pook stands in front of a bubbling dishwasher. Baffled. "But the dishwasher. It bubbles!"


And it continues to bubble. Baffling!


Oh my gosh! It bubbles on the INSIDE too! How does that happen?


I wish that this were a posed photo and not a candid one, but the way in which everybody's hung over ass deals with the dishwasher situation? Standing - Staring.


And yes, you guessed it, the wrong dish detergent was used in a coffee-less, hungover drunken morning. Time taken to figure this out: 30 minutes.

 

Joey V: A Study in Four Photos

That boy.

 

Can You Guess Who Said This...

"My sister is sitting on the floor in my personal speakeasy smoking pot with my friends, wearing a pair of red hooker boots and acting like she never stopped being 22. It's really all I could have asked for! Merry-fucking-Christmas."

 

The "Five Things" Meme

Avery tagged me with the post "five things you might not know about me" meme, so here we go.

1. I have an actual caffiene addiction. I tried to come off caffiene once last year to do the master cleanser, and I went into full-on withdrawl: shakes, throwing up, fever and chills. It was an actual chemical withdrawl. The introduction of Coke Blak into my life has not helped this addiction.

2. I once played Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask straight through in a PERFECT GAME with ALL the masks, a full purse of rupees when I ended and ALL THE HEART PIECES

3. I work for a gambling company but can't explain how a betting line works.

4. I had 13 years of classic dance training. Remember that the next time you watch me trip over something, because I'm also naturally clutzy.

5. I own a complete Strawberry Shortcake doll collection. Someday I'm going to collect all of the Brazilian ones, too.

And...tag. Kari, Ho, PHD, A-Train and Moon.

 

And Then There Was The Next Weekend

Because, if you were a logical person, you would say, "Wow, Jocelyn, San Francisco sounds like it might have worn your party-soul down even though you claimed it was mostly R&R. I hope you took it easy the next weekend."

But if you said that, then clearly you don't know me at all and if you did know me at all you would know that there is no rest in December. December is the holiday month, and that's the party month. And if you've read the holiday letter, then you would also be saying "But you said that JULY was the party month." And I would say, "Two out of twelve isn't a bad ratio." And you would roll your eyes. And I would take a shot, because it's December. Joking. Sort of.

Anyway, that next weekend Rox came into town with Paul & Cynthia in tow. Unfortunately, I was only able to snake one night out with them since I had other people coming into town, but I went for the jugular that night. Because if you only had one night to throw down with a girl you shared a tiny little college dorm with for two years and managed to only ever get into one fight with ("I'm trying to study FRENCH right now. Can you PLEASE just...arghhhhh"), you'd throw down too.

So we also invited Brent out because I had no idea when I might be able to do a little holiday throw down with him given the givens of my December schedule. And there are pictures at the end of this entry. And I suppose the highlights of the night are better told in bullet points.

- We try unsuccessfully for over an hour to ride the rides on the top of the stratosphere. Since we can't get entertained that way, I amuse us by engaging the elevator operators in conversation about the craziest thing they've ever seen in the Stratosphere elevator. The first guy doesn't want to play along until Mary Jane is invoked. Then he wants to be our best friend. The second one immediately answers "I got flashed" to which we immediately answer "We can do that!" Welcome to Vegas!

- We head down to Freemont Street for the Freemont Street Experience. I've never actually seen somebody take photos of the half-naked go-go dancers being projected onto the ceiling during the Freemont Street Experience before, but Paul does it, and I can mark seeing that off my list of things to see.

- It's rodeo week - did I mention that? So all the bands playing on Freemont Street are country bands. So we country dance. And we, drunkenly, begin a screaming campaign to get some Alan Jackson played. Oh yes, there is nothing more believable than me in my little vintage leather flapper jacket and hat yelling "PLAY SOME ALAN JACKSON" at the top of my lungs.

- We head to the Nugget for some $1 shrimp cocktail, which is as awesome as you might imagine. But we're drunk and can't blame the shrimp for making us sick.

- And then, for me (and Brent) the night ends because we still have to work the next day. But the most awesome thing I've heard in months happens in the cab on the way back to the Stardust.

Un-named Person #1
I just want to be married. I just want to be married before I'm 40. Why can't I be married before I'm 40?

Un-named Person #2 AND Un-named Person #3
Seriously, it's not all it's cracked up to be.

Un-named Person #1
You can both say that because you've already been married. I mean, sure, I've got my problems...but who doesn't??????????????????

Oh yes. We rode that joke for another solid night.

Anybody who has normal, on-going dialogue with me probably knows that that weekend then proceeded to spiral down into the worst kind of soap-opera drama and I'm pretty sure that nobody who was involved in that came out unscathed (check my big word!). I'm going to, against my normal nature, respect the privacy of everybody who was involved in that and not put it out to the universe on a blog (especially since it's already out there in about fifty million emails). But, seriously, I mean, I guess there's nothing else left to say about that.

Enjoy the pictures.


It only went downhill from here - seriously.


Between 1992 and 1996, about 50 photos JUST LIKE THIS were taken, except I'm pretty sure in all of them we were drinking cheap beer instead of high-end cocktails.


I told you it went downhill.


Like, downhill FAST.


What you should note here is how EMPTY that yard of horrible frozen drink is.


Less drunk.


More drunk.


Most drunk.

 

I'm Thankful That I Finally Had Time to Journal This

So, when last we left our fearless girl, it was Thanksgiving and she was going to San Francisco for some relaxation. And if you mean by "relaxation" encouraged high-volume drinking, expensive shoe buying and generally encouraged bad behavior, well, then, R & R it was for sure! There are actually A LOT of much better photos from the weekend on shamus' camera, including a little ditty I like to call "Jocelyn's Drunk Crawl: A Study in Three Photos." But that bitch won't send me those pictures, so you're all screwed. I've mostly broken this trip down by story instead of by day. Enjoy. I know I did.

Wednesday Day: Ashley OWNS shamus & Me
shamus and I spend the first part of the day on Wednesday with AshleyPooh. She's turning 21 this month you know, and she's already causing all kinds of trouble. What's most awesome about this is that even though shamus has a car, driving experience and money for gas, we basically harass AshleyPooh into driving us all over the bay area to run errands. "Hey, Ashley, can you drive us to Target in Daly City?" "Hey, Ash, they don't have a Trivial Pursuit board at Target. Can you take us back to Divis to go to Gamescape?" "Hey, Pooh, shamus needs to get his hair cut. Can you drive us to Bloomies and then stay there with us while he gets his hair cut? We can get some food." I really wish I could tell you ALL of the stories from the day, but she would kill me, so those can just be our special memories. Which is sad, because that shit is Funny. But the real reason I'm writing this is because we were all talking about how nice it is to hang out with Ashley now that she's an adult. And she's turned into a beautiful adult. I loved every conversation with her, especially the one that went like this.

AshleyPooh
That Escalade is HOT. I want one exactly like it, but black on black.

shamus
Girl, you work at Gymboree.

AshleyPooh
Temporarily.

It's funnier if you heard it. Look how beautiful she's grown up, y'all.



Wednesday Night: The Beginnings of Something Very Bad
Wednesday night is the first night I am introduced to Bart, who is a relation who is also not really a relation to Halff. He's Texan. He's a traveler, so we have that in common. Some would say he's pretty hot. But really, what this story comes down to is that it's true that you cannot put me in a room and expect for me NOT to flirt with single men unless I'm clearly in a position where I've been asked not to. And usually when I'm with shamus, I've been almost specifically asked TO do that for entertainment value. This story, so you know, is building so that we can get to Friday night. Work with me. It all starts with this exchange.

Bart
So, yeah. What's your deal? Are you in a relationship or not?

me
I mean, I guess I'd go with no. Yeah, no. I mean. It's a weird time in my life. But, sure. No.

(Awkward Pause)

me (taking it up a notch because I can see that I've lost him with my hedging and I need to ENTERTAIN)
Which, I mean, I need to figure out because I WANT A BABY LIKE FIVE MINUTES AGO.

(here, we cut to shamus' face, which is contorting because he can see where I'm trying to take this - especially since he's aware that I so did not want a baby five minutes ago).

Bart
Well, I mean, you don't need a man for that anymore. I mean, unless you're looking for that - for the husband and the family. ARE YOU LOOKING FOR THAT? I CAN'T TELL IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR THAT.

me (thinking "awesome, i'm so going to win and turn this into something PERFECT by the end of the weekend")
I sure do! Who doesn't want that! What girl isn't looking for that?!

Remember all this, because Friday is awesome.

Wednesday Night: The Continuation of Something Very bad
By which I mean that by the end of Wednesday night I had gotten so drunk and messed up that I literally passed out face down on a couch. And there was a boy (who was not Bart) who found that hot. And when this was discussed with shamus, his response was "WHAT IS WRONG WITH STRAIGHT PEOPLE?" Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving: It's a beautiful thing
Thanksgiving morning was spent drinking coffee and playing cards. Then we all cooked. I learned how to cut brussel sprouts (which I kicked ass at) and how to make crostini (which I didn't kick ass at). Then there is this frantic and crazy rush to try to find extra beverages for the evening in which Halff is for some reason surprised that I'm running all over San Fran in my pajamas, which is surprising since I've never not done that. This is a day better told in pictures. So enjoy.


It was warm and friendly in the kitchen.



The turkey was not warm and friendly to start...


But Halff caressed it into caring.


And then he got REALLY dirty and stuffed it.


And shamus looked pretty.


And Avery & Janet made drinks.


If you looked at this picture, you would think I rocked that crostini.

The Halffingtons show up for dinner. Janet & Avery show up for dinner. Janet & Avery bring a cocktail kit to make some kind of deadly apple cocktail. And they make it Avery-style (which in case you've missed the last 8 or so years of my life means strong enough to knock a girl unconscious). And it's so wonderful to see them and they make me wish I were there to over-drink with them all the time, even though when I over-drink it seems like they're just drinking the right amount, so go figure. And this is where the photos of "Jocelyn's Drunk Crawl: A Study in Three Photos" would go if you all weren't screwed by the fact that I don't have the photos.

And here is how Thursday night ends:

Me
Hee hee - Bart, you should totally hear the Christmas ring tone on my phone! It's so cute! Hee hee!

Bart
Okay! What's the number! I'll call you!

Me
It's xxx-xxx-xxxx! Oh NO! Look how you have my phone number now!

(cut to shamus' face, which is glowing with joy)

I slept well that night and was amply thankful.

Black Friday: Don't TOUCH my Pink Puma Ballet Flats
But why would you go shopping on Black Friday, you ask.
a. Halff wanted some games for the wii
b. I wanted some shoes
c. We're AMERICAN

We start in the Puma store where I and fifty 17-year-old-Asian girls all want the pink Puma ballet flat. My battle to overcome the girls and secure a pair of the highly coveted shoes would be the story here, if the story weren't really shamus trying on a seemingly endless array of shoes, identifying that they weren't wide enough AND that they looked exactly like a pair that he already had and then still standing there debating whether or not to buy them. I TOLD you we were American.

Then to EB Games where Halff and fifty 17-year-old-Asian boys AND some REALLY disturbing 40-something white guys all want the same eight available wii games. The story here would be the battle to acquire games if the story weren't really that shamus took the singularly most awesome picture of me and Halff ever taken while we were in this store. SORRY YOU CAN'T SEE IT.

Then Bloomies where we looked at lots of plate settings for the boys and lots of holiday party dresses for me and I was horrified that my favorite dress was a Marc by Marc Jacobs because that stuff is CRAP. But it was, and there we are (and yes, boys, I did get that dress when I got home).






Black Friday: The Conclusion of Something Really Bad
It was almost a better ending than I'd hoped for. First, we meet up at Rose Pistola for dinner with the Halffingtons, including Bart. I begin the evening with two lemon drops made with limoncelo. I then proceed to order butternut squash soup but insist that they take the marscapone off the top because I'm totally counting calories (see note about about double serving of sugar-filled cocktail). The soup, of course, is bland without the marscapone and in contrast to my rich liquor drink, and I kick the night off by taking four spoon fulls and then saying to the waitress (and to shamus and Halff's horror), "Take it back. It's just not good." Yes, I did. Oh yes.

Bart
So, if I came to Vegas, could I stay with you?

Me
Insert dead silence while my face twists into contortions of horror and totally being offended like you've only imagined.

shamus
Insert dead silence while his fact twists into a contortion trying to control the rolling laughter that's dying to come out of his mouth.

Bart (trying desperately to make a save from a dropped ball)
I mean on your floor! On your floor!

Bart's Mom
Insert sound of laughing at his horrible attempt to make a save here. Literally. His mom was laughing at him!

Me
Of course you could! You just give me a call when you're ready to come up! I've always got floor space for you sweetheart!

Yes, I did that people. Because it was Thanksgiving, I was not in anything even close to being able to be called a relationship that would prohibit me from going for "material", and that would have been a good story if he would have come up to visit during, no joke, rodeo week.

And then we saw Borat with Mr. Ho Lin. I wish I hadn't loved it the way that I did, but I'm AMERICAN.

Saturday & Sunday: I'd like a mimosa with my mimosa, please. And I'd like a Daniel Craig with my bedtime, please.
Saturday I hit up (I Love) Paul Jack and Dex. We head to lunch where we immediately supplement lunch with mimosas. Listen, I'm just going to start out with photos so you can see where this day went.





See those big old pint glasses in those photos? Those are empty mimosa glasses. Also, those are not the first, second or even third round of mimosas in those glasses. We only have a couple photos here. Wanna know why? I was too mimosa-ed out to operate a camera.

I have no stories. I have no stories because it was a perfect day in which we did nothing. By did nothing, I mean we watched science fiction dvds and talked and drunk dialed some folks and then literally laid in bed while Paul did animation on a teddy bear model and we all went "OH HOW CUTE" every time the teddy bear moved its arm. I kid you not. That was our day. And I LOVED it. I was a happy girl. I hope that Paul and Dex adopt me soon. I can behave like a small child without having all the same neediness of a small child.

In the morning on Sunday, after church and dim sum, both of which I attended in my pink Puma ballet flats which were not broken in and created huge blisters on the back of my ankles, we braved the crowds to go see His Hottness Daniel Craig in Casino Royale.

And so Daniel Craig would take off his shirt, and (I Love) Paul Jack would grab my hand and squeeze it because it was a significant moment. Then (I Love) Paul Jack would gurgle.

And Daniel Craig would emerge from the ocean wearing nothing but boy shorts, and (I Love) Paul Jack would grab my hand and squeeze it because it was a significant moment. Then (I Love) Paul Jack would gurgle.

And Daniel Craig would be naked and tied to a chair and all sweating, and (I Love) Paul Jack would grab my hand and squeeze it because it was a significant moment. Then (I Love) Paul Jack would gurgle.

That movie kicked ass.

And then we went to Origins to whore for bath product. And then (I Love) Paul Jack and Dex bought me a beautiful meal with a fantastic bottle of wine and we told funny stories about Napa trips and I never wanted to leave San Francisco again.

But I did that night, after taking a nap with my head in shamus' lap while Halff played with the wii and I said again that I never wanted to leave San Francisco again.

Except that it was warm in Vegas and dumping rain in San Francisco. Except that after I got back to Vegas, all kinds of good times were waiting for me. Except that we all know that if the reality was that I was supposed to be back in San Francisco, I'd be back there right now for sure.

I left more Thankful than I was when I got there. I left ready for December, armed with some now-well-broken-in pink Puma ballet flats, a selection on a holiday party dress and five pretty solid days of my version of rest and relaxation.


Applesauce is thankful too.

 

50 Holiday Wishes

I swear I'm sorry if I forgot you - I didn't mean to. I got lost in the list. But here we go finally. For Christmas, I wish for you...

1. Pookie: A completed River is to Train album that's full of love songs because you feel it.
2. PaulJack: Fifteen more play throughs of Twilight Princess. At a minimum.
3. Dex: Recovery from Twlight Princess Widower status.
4. shamus: New things in a new year.
5. Ashley: A trip to Vegas so I can show you how to be 21.
6. Ashleigh: Precious memories of Africa.
7. Ho: A finished novel. A finished cd. Dim sum all the time.
8. K-Yo: Girl, you know what I want for you.
9. AT&T (when am I coming up with a better name? who knows.): A book, some newsletters, lots of rides in a pimp new car and lazy mornings when we laugh at all those things.
10. Larry: New things in a new year for you, too.
11. Brent: Happy afternoons with Dogge, good grilling, lots of "House"
12. G-Man: THE job (you'll get it), whole grain homemade bread, "Superman," dude
13. Ferris: May the endless video games abound - oh, and a trip equal to Hawaii
14. Mom: Time for YOU, sista
15. Di: A bit of clarity between what you "need" vs. what you'd "prefer" so that you can be "ready"
16. Sara: A Jocelyn/Sara walk!
17. Greg: A year where he barely gets older at all.
18. Damon: More than five minutes of rest. True love, but I wish for that every year!
19. shadalan: See Tarot reading: Whose year is it?
20. KALM: Sunny Australia
21. Shims: Korean lawyers.
22. DCWP: A serious Emmitt Smith run for President.
23. Mrs. DCWP: A girls shopping day next time you're in New Mexico.
24. Kolodny: That thing? For it to BLOW FREAKIN UP.
25. RJ: I hope she's the one.
26. Ry: A raise. Oh, wait, that's in my hands!
27. ToniK: The beginning of a new journey.
28. K-Rock: Finding home in a new house.
29. Hott Scott: Religiousity at the end of a marathon. No more whack haircuts.
30. A-Train: Winning.
31. Paul M: I hope she's the one.
32. Joshua: A third cat. Seriously. You know you want her.
33. Gary: You know what I want for you, baby.
34. DivaMae: Glamour to the tenth degree.
35. Matt McD: Can we say professional recognition?
36. Kennel: A year where neither of them get any older.
37. Dale: Sexiness. Oh, wait, you have that already.
38. Jeff & Amanda: Healing.
39. Delicious Candy: A healthy little new one.
40. Sherri: That boy from Panic! At the Disco.
41. Avery & Janet: NY, NY
42. Crow & Seal: NY, NY
43. Rachel: Whatever she wants.
44. Trick: A healthy little new one.
45. Catwoman: Andrew Dan Jumbo, wrapped up in a box under your tree.
46. Lisa: Serenity. NOW.
47. Amy P. - Same thing I want for K-Yo, baby.
48. Jen R - Breaking the holiday curse
49. Jen G. - A re-emergence, please.
50. Rox - Way more partying, cause you're not doing it enough. Seriously.

 

And so....

REALLY, I am part-way done with writing about Thanksgiving...and then writing about Girls' Night, and then writing about Denver, and somewhere in there also writing about all the other craziness that happened over the last weeks...and also the usual what I wish for you for Christmas REALLY is happening. And you believe that you will never see me honestly write again, but you know that's not true because you can easily go back to last year at this time and see that I barely wrote at all then, either. Because I'm busy with mine and Pook's 250 christmas letters and my 65-person Christmas gift list and a full email inbox and college bowl season at work. But...I just want to get something off my chest, such as it is.

Have you ever done something that you KNEW was wrong and hurtful and bad, and that after you did it you *should* feed badly that you did it, and you should immediately apologize to the person it was hurtful to - even if that person has no idea that you did it, and you should feel horrible about yourself.

Except that you don't feel horrible about yourself and somehow you're justifying that by saying that the person whose feelings you know would be hurt if you admitted what you'd done has fallen way short in many ways of their end of the deal between the two of you? Even though that's kind of bullshit (and fyi, we're not talking about ANYBODY who reads this blog, so you can stop stressing that it's you!).

Right! Happy holidays! I should just let it go and pretend like it never happened. That's what we'll do!

 

The Jocelyn List

Let's firstly say HELL YES to the other ladies who contributed this year. I've added their lists below my list, with commentary. I've also provided these resources for you:

- A link to last year's list, which also includes good things
- A link to my wishlist because you all should not forget this girl this holiday season

That said, lets hit up style. I did not put the K-Fed album on this list, and let me tell you that it too EVERY EFFORT to not put the K-Fed cd on this list.

So, for starters...
Jocelyn's Top 10 Gift Suggestions for Women's Holiday Christmas Gifts 2007

Bare Escentual Mystical Eye Quickies
I say this as a girl who goes out a lot, but all girls tend to go out a lot during the holidays. This little quickie set makes your eyes look HOT no matter how hung over and strung out you may be before you got out. Plus, that color palette can work pretty much with whatever you're doing. And it glitters. It's the perfect quick fix for the party girl, or it's the perfect quick fix for the girl who doesn't party but for two weeks a year needs to look like she does. So, enjoy it. It's good. It's affordable ($22 plus shipping if you order online), and it makes a perfect gift OR a perfect stocking stuffer. And your lady will look hot. So go for it.


Origins Ginger Glow Gift Set
Unfortunately, Origins didn't do the lovely tub of Ginger Body Whip with gold glitter in it this year, but you can still get an adorable little gift set that includes a tube of the original Ginger Body Whip or nights when your party girl doesn't want to party but instead wants to sit and enjoy some Sex and the City on DVD with a cup of tea and a second tube that's full of my personal favorite Ginger Body Whip with gold shimmer. Also totally affordable! ($25 plus shipping if you order online - but just about everybody should have an Origins near them). It's a good one, folks!

Melrose Place: Season One DVD
I suppose the argument is going to be made that this should be 90210 Season One on DVD, but I'll argue that Melrose Place is by far the better show for women to get together and watch - it doesn't have the art value of 90210! What woman does not want to spend Christmas afternoon, after a long day of cooking and entertaining, watching Josie Bisset and Andrew Shue and Courtney Thorne Smith get dramatic on your ass? Plus, it's set in L.A. so it's full of swanky cocktails and good clothes (even for the early nineties). ($38.99 plus Amazon's absurd shipping)


The Holiday Cocktails Deck: 50 Holiday Drinks
NO I AM NOT SUGGESTING THIS BECAUSE I PERSONALLY AM ON A MISSION TO TRY ALL 50!!! I'm recommending it because I have a copy and it makes any holiday get-together good. What I particularly like about it is that you can travel with it, so I'm not just making hot-ass holiday cocktails for MY parties, I'm taking the book home with me to make cocktails for friends and family - and random men I meet at the bar (joking, TOTALLY joking). I've made a lot of the drinks in this deck (hold your jokes about my "problem" please). I recommend the one with champagne, campari and bitters. It's good stuff. If I were coming to San Francisco, I'd make them for hot Brad. Seriously. ($13.95 plus Amazon shipping)

Anna Sui Lipsticks
This is a rougher one, because if you're going to buy it you should at least know what color lipstick your woman wears. If you HAVE NO CLUE about this, then PLEASE DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS PURCHASE. However, if you know your woman's color system or can get her current lipstick and sneak it to the store with you, these are the best lipsticks EVER. They last for a very, very long time. The colors are rich, and each lipstick is infused with a touch of Anna Sui fragrance, so she get a lovely scent on top of everything else. Don't freak out by the idea of $20 for a tube of lipstick - I promise you that your woman's not. ($20 plus shipping). Great for stocking stuffers, too!

Mary Green: Day of the Week Boy Shorts
Oh so sexy! Listen, before you say it, YES, $90 is a lot for seven pairs of undies. And YES, do not attempt this purchase if you are not ENTIRELY sure what size your lady wears. And YES, even though they are not officially on my wish list I want a replacement pack because mine have gotten lost in travels over the last year and I wear a size small. All that out of the way, these boy shorts are SO CUTE and SO SEXY and SO COMFORTABLE and SO PLUSH and it's always fun to match your boyshort underwear to the day of the week like you did when you were a kid. They're my favorite thing that I'm recommending, sort of. I mean, I like it all, but these boy shorts are amazing. AMAZING. ($86 plus shipping from hipundies.com)

Designer Shoe Warehouse Gift Certficates
We'd all love it if the female obsession with shoes were a joke, but it's not. It's like crack coccaine, but I don't want to tell you to buy your women crack coccaine. Now, the thing here is that you will have do do some work and actually go to a Designer Shoe Warehouse (which your lady most likely knows as DSW) to get the card because they don't seem to be available online. But you can find your nearest location at this website. She, most likely, loves shoes. You, most likely, cannot pick shoes out for her. So give her a double gift - hot shoes AND a reason to shop.


The Bannana Nut Bread Candle From Target
Look, they have good candles. This one, in particular, is cute and snazzy and makes your whole home smell like bannana nut bread. Silly? Yes. Don't be making it your ONLY gift to her. But good? Yes! She'll LOVE it! Think how much you love the smell of fresh bannana nut bread. It's a good gift. Don't mock the messenger, yo. ($20 plus shipping)


Cell Phone Bling Kits
Maybe your woman is classy and doesn't want to put crystals all over her cell phone. This woman owns a pink Razr and shops at Paul Frank, so clearly I'm not the one to recommend for your woman if she's that kind of classy (but if she is, stick with the Anna Sui and the cocktail book and the panties). Me and my friends? We like blinging our shit out. Consider as a stocking stuffer a bling kit for a cell phone. If you're a super star, lift her phone and take it to a store and get it done for her. If you're not, you can get a kit from anywhere from $40 to $80 plus shipping.

If You're Going for the Super Big Gift - The Coach Mandy Suede Courier Bag
It's the most beautiful Coach bag going right now. It's like fine art. It's the most georgous bag you'll see all year. Make sure she's not going to be uncomfortable receiving an $800 bag from you - because chances are if she's not your wife or fiancee she will be. But if she's cool and your cool, that bag is AMAZING. I've touched it, and it feels like you're touching heaven. There are some other colors in the Courier bag, and some other styles in the Mandy Suede, but this is the killer, knock 'em dead one. $800, plus shipping. Maybe you should just put a payment down on a ring.

And now, some other women chime in for you.

Hil says:
The most romantic gift a man ever gave me was a journal to store my thoughts in. It showed he cared about what I think and that he had faith in my insights. So I think that's a can't-miss item for any man with a thinker on his list. That and a really nice pen. Here's a website that's got all kinds of funky inks, which are super cool: http://www.pendemonium.com

K-Yo Says:
For the cook/baker:
The Barefoot Contessa Cookbook: Great recipes, beautiful photos
Baking: From My home to yours--my favorite baker put all her favorite recipes in one book.
Silicone Spatulas--won't melt at really high temps and the also come in fun colors.

For the girly-girl
Frozen Lemon Custard Body Wash--not too sweet and a nice pick-me-up in the winter
Tarte Cheek Stain--the nicest, prettiest flush
Vincent Longo Lipstain Lipstick--sheer and lasts all day

For the movie fan
Bride and Prejudice--Jane Austin meets Bollywood. And Aiswarya Rai is the most beautiful woman in the world.
Young Frankenstein--Mel Brook's classic.
Roman Holiday--Gregory Peck falls in love with Audrey Hepburn. The best example of a therapeutic hair-cut.

Delicious Candy says:
I think every self-respecting woman should own the first season of Melrose Place. I already have the first season of 90210, and it's only worth it for the last two episodes. It's easy to forget that the show was at its best during the gang's junior and senior years.

Victoria's Secret flannel pajamas. Let her know she's just as cute and sexy when she's covered up. And, really, even the flannel pajamas are cute and sexy (at least on the models).

Cashmere gloves that are elbow length. Is there anything cuter on your girl when they're paired with an adorable hat and scarf?

Bath and body gifts sets. Women love variety and options when it comes to beauty products. So those sets of sprays and lotions at Victoria's Secret, which are sometimes just $10, are an easy A+. Another really cute thing is the wool-lined tote they have at Bath & Body Works and stuff it with different sprays and lotions.

While we on the subject of beauty products, there's an awesome makeup kit at Sephora for about $40. Every color imaginable is in the black box. It's not something I want, but I know a lot of other girls who dig it. Oh, and they have great lip gloss there too. Every girl loves lip gloss.

- Designer handbags
- A red iPod
- A spa package
- Wine and glasses. Women retain glasses like water. Even if we don't need it, we like to have it around.
- A cashmere sweater. Don't screw with a classic.
- A Burberry scarf. Again, don't screw with a classic.

My most-recommended fragrance this year is Vera Wang Princess. DO NOT buy her the Desperate Housewives fragrance if she's an adult. Only a pre-teen or teenager trying to be older would want to wear that.

Rachel Ray is not my favorite Food Network cook, but a lot of girls dig her. I recommend any of the cookbooks by Food Network chefs.

Jewelry, chocolate and stuffed animals are standards and still much adored. But make sure they're tailored to your girl. The circle pendant, chocolates with red and green sprinkles and teddy bear are what you get a girl you don't know so well. Get her something that's very her.

 

Vancouver - Take Me Home

I know that a bunch of photos don't really qualify as an update, but don't you want to see the much talked-about rubber-glove photos from Vancouver? I thought so. It's been SO LONG since this trip that I don't even remember the stories I was going to tell, but the pictures make me think that they were probably pretty good. Anyway, click any photo for a larger version. And, embarassingly, these have already been edited to remove the really horrifying ones.






Don't forget the Christmas wishlist!

 

And...We're Back!

Firslty - ladies, very important. I told somebody I would post the "what to buy the women in your family this year" list on Thursday. That gives you all three days to send any "don't miss" items to me so we can help my male friends avoid disaster again this year, por favor.

Delicious Candy, cause that's what I'm calling her now, sent me this text message this weekend:

"This is a longer blog lapse than usual. Are you okay? Busy at work? Busy with a boy?"

And yes, she used the word "lapse" in a text message. There need to be props for that.

Mostly I've been busy with this: You see, I have this theory that you ALWAYS need to give people the chance to prove to you that they're not anything like what the stereotypes about them would have you believe they're like. Nine times out of ten, they'll let you down and be EXACTLY like their stereotype, but on the tenth time you'll find somebody really special who will improve your quality of life - probably forever.

However, sometimes during the nine out of ten times, watching that person blow up into exactly what you expected them to be is like watching two cars in a head-on collision. And it leaves you feeling un-fucking-inspired.

And that's ALL I'm saying on that, ya'll (and yes, you, I used that contraction JUST.FOR.YOU). Except to say that I pre-wrote five entries this weekend and will roll them out day-by-day this week.

And don't forget about this, because it makes Christmas SO EASY if you just give me stuff I want. Like, for example, Supernatural with the world's hottest man, Jensen Ackles.