You Never Call Me When You're Sober

TWO FUCKING AM IN THE MORNING PEOPLE.

This is the new M.O. If you wake me up in the middle of the night because you're drunk dialing me, I'm going to stay up afterwards and transcribe that shit so you can read it and be embarassed by it the next day. Except in this case, I know you won't actually read it. But whatever. This is the third night in four days my fragile sleep got killed by some silly boy drunk dialing me. I get that that's a hazard of my new found single status, but, look, really.

Him
I'm in New York. I'm driving home! I just left the club. My car was parked right in front of the club. I love you! I wish I was fucking you right now! There were like 500 cops right in front of the club and I'd had like 50 red bull and vodkas and if I were there right now would you have sex with me? Do you remember the day before I left when you stopped by in the morning to pick up your laundry basket? If I weren't so stupid we would have had sex right then. What are you doing right now? Are you in bed? You sound sleepy?

Me
Baby, it's 1:30 in the morning on a Thursday. Of course I'm sleeping. Are you driving drunk? Don't try to talk to me on the phone if you're driving drunk.

Him
There's DEA all over here. I'm in some coccaine ass Puerto Rican neighborhood. I'm coming out to Vegas next week to see you except that you said you had plans for Labor Day weekend. Stay in Vegas Labor Day weekend. My mom has an AK 47 under the kitchen table and she told me that if I was going to do drugs I should just do them there and she'd get rid of any cops. My mom is so cool. She wants me to marry you. I want to get you pregnant. Am I bad in bed? Is that why I never got you pregnant?

Me
Yeah, baby, I can't think of a better idea than you getting me pregnant. That's hot. That would be awesome. My baby's daddy gets hammered and drives while he drunk dials. Come on now.

Him
You think I'm terrible in bed. I'm so stupid. I should totally have had sex with you that morning when you came to pick up that basket. You're so hot. Hey, MF called me and he was all like 'What are you doing with Jocelyn?" and I was like "She's so great. I really love her. I'm going to marry her." My mom's got turkey and mashed potatoes at home for me. I'm so drunk. Do you want to go see Celine Dion with me next Saturday? We could go see Celine....
Every night in my dreams
I touch you. I feel you.
That is how I know you go on.
Near, far...
Wherever you are...
I believe that your heart will go.
Ooooonnn

Me
My God. Did you just know all the words to "My Heart Will Go On?"

Him
No, wait, let me start again.

Me
You want to sing that again?

Him
Yeah, from the beginning. Here we go.
Every night in my dreams
I touch you. I feel you.
That is how I know you go on.
Near, far...
Wherever you are...
I believe that your heart will go.
Ooooonnn

Me
That was really special.

Him
Are you in bed right now? Are you naked? Can I sing that again, from the beginning? I'll sing it really good this time.
Every night in my dreams
I touch you. I feel you.
That is how I know you go on.
Near, far...
Wherever you are...
I believe that your heart will go.
Ooooonnn

Me
You can sing right along at the Celine show on Saturday. I think I'll go out with my girls that night.

Him
Was I good? Did I sing good?

Me
Yes, baby, you sang great. Hey, do you think maybe you should hang up the phone and drive, you know, since you're loaded?

Him
There's DEA EVERYWHERE!!!! If all of my friends weren't dead from drugs, this town would be rocking. Will you have sex with me next weekend? Please. You're so hot.

Me
I'll do whatever you want, as long as you hang up the freakin' phone. Can you call me tomorrow when you're sober?

Him
I've been doing really good except for tonight. I'm totally going to get followed home by a cop and then my mom's going to go crazy with this AK 47 she keeps under the kitchen table and then I'm going to eat turkey. I love you. I really want to get you pregnant. Can I get you pregnant? If I got you pregnant, we could get married. Would you marry me if you were pregnant? We could take the little kids to sports arenas every day.

Me
I'm going to hang up now, okay?

Him
NEAR, FAR...
WHEREEVER YOU AAAAAAREEEEEEE

Me
Night, cuteness. Try to drive safely.

Click.

I so hope you read this so you know what you sounded like. Listen, I've woken people up in the throws of drunk dialing before too, but I NEVER MADE THEM LISTEN TO ME SINGING CELINE DION FOR HALF AN HOUR. Jesus.

YOU NEVER CALL ME WHEN YOU'RE SOBER. And I get it, because I know you don't have it in you to take responsibilty for the types of conversations you owe me if you were to call me sober. But please remember that the next time you nastily say to me "When YOU left ME" or "Since YOU left me" or "No, YOU'RE right, I'm not ready for a relationship," that none of that is true and it was never about my not wanting to be with you. It was about the fact that the idea of being responsible for somebody's feelings other than your own is so far beyond you. So please stop asking me to clean up for you. Or clean you up. Or whatever you want me to give you without you having to give me anything in return. We're not doing that. Again.