Hi, Ace. I've forgotten about Bo already. Will you be my boyfriend?

Fan Letter to Ace Young #1
Hi, Ace.

Wow are you pretty. Last year, we were all loving on Bo, but that was like the kind of love that's all about "I know you don't shower but it would be hot to be your groupie in a bus one night and then we could fall passionately in love but realize that we could never be because you NEED TO BE FREE AND WILD."

But with you, Ace, it's not that kind of love. It's Love. It's "Nobody ever in the history of mankind has ever looked as much like what angels must look like as you do. And even though Father Figure is really kind of a creepy song for you to sing, I still can't stop loving you. I'm not at all creeped out by the fact that on your profile you say that Prince is your personal American idol. That doesn't mean that you're gay or weird or secretly do Prince dance moves in assless chaps in the privacy of your own home. It just means that you're comfortable with selecting your American Idol based on true musical genius."

So call me! I have all the Prince albums! We can totally watch Purple Rain, and then you can come to Vegas and we can go see the Prince tribute band, cleverly named Purple Reign! And then we can make sweet, passionate, sensitive love to any song OTHER than Father Figure!

Love,
Jocelyn - your #1 extra special super duper fan

PS: What kind of shampoo do you use? You have fabulous hair!

Ace Young Haiku #1
You really can't sing
all that well, but nobody
cares. Just look at you!

Fan Letter to Ryan Seacrest

Hi, Ryan.

I just wanted to drop you a line and tell you not to take it so hard. I know that you used to be the only guy on American Idol who was girl-pretty, and then along comes Ace and he's like 400% more girl-pretty than you are. Don't be threatened. He won't win because he's going to drop out of the competition long before the finals so that he can run away to Canada or some place like that with me and we can be sensitive granola lovers, so when that happens you can resume your roll as the only girl-pretty guy on American Idol. Don't stress. We all win here. You get hair-dominance back and I get my pretty little Ace on foreign soil.

Call me. We can make it work.

Later,
Jocelyn

Fan Letter to Ace Young #2
Dear Ace,

OHMYGOD! I just read this on your profile: "I love kids - they're the future." I CAN GIVE YOU KIDS!!!!! I'm 32, my clock is ticking! We can make the future and they can have your pretty skin and pretty eyes and pretty voice and pretty hair and they will be THE MOST PERFECT CHILDREN EVER. We can create our own power race, and you can sing to them every single night, just DON'T sing them Father Figure because that's creepy. I'm telling you. Let's make babies. We can name them with symbols like your idol Prince.

We can build a little house in the mountains in Denver so you can be near to your family. We can learn to cook vegan and do yoga, and you can share the secret about how you get your hair to look so perfect.

Call me! We can make babies!

Love,
Jocelyn - your #1 extra special super duper fan

Ace Young Haiku #2
When you eye fuck the
camera, I turn into
baby making slush.